Wednesday Martin

A few days ago I published a piece on psychologytoday.com called “Is Marriage Necessary?” You can also link to it via the post below.

One Boston University study found that nearly 75% of women with stepkids they interviewed would NOT do it over again–would not marry a man with kids, that is. Would you? Tell me about it (and remember your posts here are anonymous!)

As we count down to Valentine’s day in this Love, Sex, Romance, Power series, today I ask the question, “Is Marriage Necessary?” What can psychologists and couples therapists–and married people–learn from the history and sociology of marriage?
Have a look…and leave a comment:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201002/love-stories-is-marriage-necessary

No, that’s not a typo. This post in the Sex, Love, Lust, Romance, Power series as we count down to Valentine’s Day is about something every woman with stepkids need to learn: self love.

As I was researching my book Stepmonster, one woman with teen stepkids told me her secret motto was, “Love yourself because your teen stepkids sure won’t!” Unfortunately this observation often holds true for younger and even older stepkids, too. In terribly loyalty binds, they perceive loving or even liking you as a betrayal of mom. And your efforts to win them over will only exacerbate their internal conflict, and their rejection of you.

Take heart–this is not an impossible bind. In spite of your relational tendencies, your need to have the love and approval of everyone, and the feeling that you have failed if you don’t have it from your stepkids, there is a way around it all. Stop focusing on winning them over. Start focusing on your partnership and yourself.

Self care is an important Valentine’s Day gift I’d like to see every woman with stepkids give herself. Because the research is clear that women who take time away from their stepfamilies and even their partners to go out with friends, read a novel, catch a movie mid-day, go for a walk, meditate, get a massage, and more are the ones with increased resilience in stressful situations–including steplife. No joke: self-love and self-care are your Rx.

Tell me here and now: What will you give YOURSELF for Valentine’s Day, to usher in a year of self-love in the face of the challenges of stepmothering? Check out self-care guru Peggy Nolan’s tips at thestepmomstoolbox.com for ideas if you need help.

As promised, an article about love, sex, and romance in stepfamilies as we count down to Valentine’s Day. Today’s guest post is by Susan Wisdom, LPC. Susan wants to know, Why are you obsessed with your husband’s ex? And she wants you to put your marriage first. Have a look…and leave a comment!:

http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295

Fourteen days until Valentine’s Day. What does this holiday mean for those of us in a remarriage or repartnership with children?

Over the next 14 days check in for posts about love, sex, romance, passion, and power in a remarriage with children.

Today you can check out my article for StepMom Magazine: “Get It On–Sex and the Woman with Stepkids.” Yes, you’ll have to subscribe to StepMom Magazine to read it–but it’s well worth it. Look for other articles by Mary Kelly-Williams of www.marriedwithbaggage.com, Susan Wisdom of Stepcoupling fame, the fantastic Jacque Fletcher, the witty La Belle Mere, and more. Have a look:
http://www.stepmommag.com/

If you live near Boca Raton or know anyone interested in understanding stepfamilies who does, please pass it along: I’ll be in Boca Raton on January 27, talking about stepfamily and stepmother reality and answering questions for the JCC/ B’nai Torah Synagogue Author Forum Series.

The venue and address:

B’nai Torah Synagogue
6261 SW 18th Street
Boca Raton, FL 33433
(561) 392.8566

Time: 7:30 pm.
All are welcome!

If you’d like a free copy of Stepmonster or know someone who would, click this link to a giveaway…deadline to enter is January 18.

http://chicgalleria.com/2010/01/book-giveaway-stepmonster/

If you live in Boulder or have a friend who does, be sure to check out the Stepmonster support group run by therapist Mary Kelly-Williams of www.marriedwithbaggage.com

Mary knows stepfamily issues and can help. She also does stepmother coaching via phone and Skype. Check out the meet-up link:

http://www.meetup.com/Stepmoms-AKA-Step-Monsters/calendar/12096233/?a=nr1o_grp&rv=nr1o

Reader Ali recently asked me to recommend a discussion board for her so she can connect with other women with stepchildren online. There are so many, a couple of which I have listed on the side of my blog under “resources.”

Please tell me about the discussion board for stepmothers you like best, and why. That will really help me make a recommendation for Ali–and all the women who come here. Thanks for your help!

If you want to share any details of your use of these online communities, I’d like to hear about it. For example, whether you use them daily or weekly or monthly; whether you are more likely to go on when you are distressed; what you consider positive and negative about connecting with other stepmoms online; and whether you have formed an in-person support group with women you’ve met online or have met any of them in person.

Did you ever confide in your best girlfriend about some aspect of stepfamily life that was driving you insane–rejecting, rude stepkids come to mind–only to find her looking at you like you were the Wicked Queen from Disney’s Snow White? It really, really hurts when a trusted confidante doesn’t get where you’re coming from–or, even worse, judges you. Jacque Fletcher has taken on the task of writing up just how to be a good and supportive friend to a woman with stepkids. Pass it along to anyone you think needs to know! Also check out the podcast in which Jacque and I dish about what a good girlfriend shouldn’t say to her stepmom pal: “Don’t take it personally!”

How to be a Stepmom’s Friend by Jacque Fletcher:
http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/05/how-to-be-a-stepmoms-friend/

Stepmom Circles Podcast: Jacque and Wednesday discuss how it makes a stepmom feel to be told “Don’t take it personally” by people who have no clue–and how to overcome the frustration of being misunderstood:
http://www.cyberears.com/index.php/Browse/playaudio/8065