Comments on: Demi and Ashton, Cozy with Bruce, Go to His Wedding http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/ Official Blog for the Author of Stepmonster Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:59:00 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-20895 admin Wed, 02 Feb 2011 20:14:10 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-20895 Your husband's wife does indeed sound possessive and insecure from your description. However I would avoid the tendency to vilify her and let him off the hook. He is as responsible for the change in relationship with you as she is. So you can stop the circuit of blame and anger at her by realizing it is a dynamic in his marriage and in his relationship to you that he is fully contributing to. Rather than holding "her" responsible for creating a bad situation for your kids. The specifics of your experience aside, researchers including Francesca Adler-Baeder of the National Stepfamily Resource Center have found that highly cooperative and highly close relations between ex spouses are as damaging as high conflict ones. I hope you and your ex and his wife are able to find a middle ground that is helpful for everyone and I commend you for having your children's best interests in mind. You can always normalize the situation, rather than adding fuel to the fire, by simply explaining to your children that sometimes when people remarry or repartner after a divorce they do not want to be as close to their ex spouse, but that they still love their children. If you explain to them that you are not hurt by this turn of events and respect that it is normal that couples often want privacy and new, less porous boundaries when they repartner after divorce, your children will not find anything unusual about dad being less in touch with you. Bottom line: it is in your children's best interest for you to de-personalize this injury you are experiencing as much as possible and show them that you are happy and fulfilled in your life regardless of how often you see your ex husband and his girlfriend. Good luck and thanks for commenting, Wednesday Your husband’s wife does indeed sound possessive and insecure from your description. However I would avoid the tendency to vilify her and let him off the hook. He is as responsible for the change in relationship with you as she is. So you can stop the circuit of blame and anger at her by realizing it is a dynamic in his marriage and in his relationship to you that he is fully contributing to. Rather than holding “her” responsible for creating a bad situation for your kids.

The specifics of your experience aside, researchers including Francesca Adler-Baeder of the National Stepfamily Resource Center have found that highly cooperative and highly close relations between ex spouses are as damaging as high conflict ones. I hope you and your ex and his wife are able to find a middle ground that is helpful for everyone and I commend you for having your children’s best interests in mind. You can always normalize the situation, rather than adding fuel to the fire, by simply explaining to your children that sometimes when people remarry or repartner after a divorce they do not want to be as close to their ex spouse, but that they still love their children. If you explain to them that you are not hurt by this turn of events and respect that it is normal that couples often want privacy and new, less porous boundaries when they repartner after divorce, your children will not find anything unusual about dad being less in touch with you.

Bottom line: it is in your children’s best interest for you to de-personalize this injury you are experiencing as much as possible and show them that you are happy and fulfilled in your life regardless of how often you see your ex husband and his girlfriend.
Good luck and thanks for commenting,
Wednesday

]]> By: Colleen http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-20894 Colleen Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:44:28 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-20894 My ex and I approached our divorce in the same manner as what I will call the "Demi/Bruce" approach. We actually did do vacations together. We got along very well - proving to the kids that we were friends prior to marriage and we wanted to maintain that friendship even though our marriage hadn't worked. The children were in 4th and 7th grade when their father moved out. For the first year we did things this way. The children were never confused, never asked if we were getting back together, never once assumed we were. I spoke to them at length about it b/c I was concerned they would be confused They both totally got it and they thrived in that environment. Many people, including a friend who is a therapist, commented on how extremely well they were doing. My current husband was all for this relationship and he and my ex actually get along pretty well. He was/is confident in our relationship, was never threatened by my friendship with my ex and was very supportive. Then my ex started dating his current girlfriend which, this article points out, is often an issue. She stated, and I quote "I just don't like her b/c she's your ex-wife" "She's trying to hard to be my friend (this b/c I had a conversation with her about migraines, a common topic." End of the day, she is an extremely immature 50+ yr old woman who didn't trust my ex to have a friendship with me (she would wait until he got in the shower to look through his text messages to see if he'd sent me a text) and did everything she could to undermine it. End result - we no longer have a friendship and my children are very upset about that and are now experiencing many of the typical negative results of divorced parents. The boys are now raised the way she wants in their house, which is very much the opposite of how we agreed to raise them. That is what is confusing for my kids. I'm sure many children may be confused by parents who are still friendly and who still do things with their kids. But I'm also sure that there are plenty of kids whose parents "divorce normally" who still want their parents to get back together and are confused as to why their parents split. What I know is the "Demi/Bruce" was was working great for 3 adults and 2 kids, kids who were thriving in that environment and had a clear understanding that their parents had moved on. I think it's a shame that another person couldn't be mature enough to trust their partner to have a friendship with an ex which would have lead to both families getting along. My ex and I approached our divorce in the same manner as what I will call the “Demi/Bruce” approach. We actually did do vacations together. We got along very well – proving to the kids that we were friends prior to marriage and we wanted to maintain that friendship even though our marriage hadn’t worked. The children were in 4th and 7th grade when their father moved out. For the first year we did things this way. The children were never confused, never asked if we were getting back together, never once assumed we were. I spoke to them at length about it b/c I was concerned they would be confused They both totally got it and they thrived in that environment. Many people, including a friend who is a therapist, commented on how extremely well they were doing.

My current husband was all for this relationship and he and my ex actually get along pretty well. He was/is confident in our relationship, was never threatened by my friendship with my ex and was very supportive.

Then my ex started dating his current girlfriend which, this article points out, is often an issue. She stated, and I quote “I just don’t like her b/c she’s your ex-wife” “She’s trying to hard to be my friend (this b/c I had a conversation with her about migraines, a common topic.” End of the day, she is an extremely immature 50+ yr old woman who didn’t trust my ex to have a friendship with me (she would wait until he got in the shower to look through his text messages to see if he’d sent me a text) and did everything she could to undermine it. End result – we no longer have a friendship and my children are very upset about that and are now experiencing many of the typical negative results of divorced parents. The boys are now raised the way she wants in their house, which is very much the opposite of how we agreed to raise them. That is what is confusing for my kids.

I’m sure many children may be confused by parents who are still friendly and who still do things with their kids. But I’m also sure that there are plenty of kids whose parents “divorce normally” who still want their parents to get back together and are confused as to why their parents split. What I know is the “Demi/Bruce” was was working great for 3 adults and 2 kids, kids who were thriving in that environment and had a clear understanding that their parents had moved on. I think it’s a shame that another person couldn’t be mature enough to trust their partner to have a friendship with an ex which would have lead to both families getting along.

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-23 admin Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:28:52 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-23 Sally, I love your story of an unexpected connection with your husband's ex! Also how clever of you guys to have topics that are "off limits," such as Him. Please keep me posted, and please keep reading and commenting! Sally,
I love your story of an unexpected connection with your husband’s ex! Also how clever of you guys to have topics that are “off limits,” such as Him. Please keep me posted, and please keep reading and commenting!

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-22 admin Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:27:28 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-22 Jenna, It's hard when someone, particularly our husband's ex, not to mention the entire culture, thinks that nothing short of a mom and a stepmom being BFFs will suffice for the kids' sake. Glad you know differently and have found some boundaries that work. Good luck! Jenna,
It’s hard when someone, particularly our husband’s ex, not to mention the entire culture, thinks that nothing short of a mom and a stepmom being BFFs will suffice for the kids’ sake. Glad you know differently and have found some boundaries that work. Good luck!

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-21 admin Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:25:18 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-21 Carole, Thanks for writing. I think a lot of women with stepkids share your sense of stress about the upcoming "event season"--graduations, weddings, and other ceremonies that are difficult moments for lots of us. I'll post something about this time of year and these events--and how women with stepkids often feel about it all--soon. Carole,
Thanks for writing. I think a lot of women with stepkids share your sense of stress about the upcoming “event season”–graduations, weddings, and other ceremonies that are difficult moments for lots of us. I’ll post something about this time of year and these events–and how women with stepkids often feel about it all–soon.

]]> By: Sally http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-20 Sally Mon, 30 Mar 2009 03:59:13 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-20 Thanks, Wednesday. I have no interest in being friends with my ex. But a very weird event has happened. The wife of my ex and I have developed a nice (if a bit strange) telephone relationship in the last 10 years. Now that all of the various children are grown and married we realize we have things in common. We don't discuss it with the adult children and we've agreed not to discuss her husband who is my ex. This is a place that's new territory for me. Thanks, Wednesday. I have no interest in being friends with my ex. But a very weird event has happened. The wife of my ex and I have developed a nice (if a bit strange) telephone relationship in the last 10 years. Now that all of the various children are grown and married we realize we have things in common. We don’t discuss it with the adult children and we’ve agreed not to discuss her husband who is my ex. This is a place that’s new territory for me.

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-19 admin Sun, 29 Mar 2009 01:26:27 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-19 Sally, I have interviewed a couple of women who were surprised, years into it, to discover that they actually were able to have some enjoyable conversations and interactions, friendships even, with their husband's exes. I think that's great if you want it and you can pull it off. As for being best pals with the ex, I'm with your sons on this one! Sally,
I have interviewed a couple of women who were surprised, years into it, to discover that they actually were able to have some enjoyable conversations and interactions, friendships even, with their husband’s exes. I think that’s great if you want it and you can pull it off. As for being best pals with the ex, I’m with your sons on this one!

]]> By: Sally http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-18 Sally Sat, 28 Mar 2009 05:21:09 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-18 I agree that too much togetherness with exes is weird and uncomfortable for everyone...for me, and especially my now adult age sons and their wives. Sure there is a very occasional grandchild's birthday party that we all are there for but it is a rarity as opposed to a regular thing. Thank goodness for that! It just feels unreal and dishonest in my situation to do that. My greatest opposition is that it is uncomfortable for my sons. They've said they don't like it. I agree that too much togetherness with exes is weird and uncomfortable for everyone…for me, and especially my now adult age sons and their wives. Sure there is a very occasional grandchild’s birthday party that we all are there for but it is a rarity as opposed to a regular thing. Thank goodness for that! It just feels unreal and dishonest in my situation to do that. My greatest opposition is that it is uncomfortable for my sons. They’ve said they don’t like it.

]]> By: Carole http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-16 Carole Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:04:15 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-16 i guess i'm lucky that dh's ex lives across the country! i think they have a pretty "good divorce", they communicate abut the big issues. still i'm not looking forward to my stepson's upcoming graduation cermony, lots of stress. people who think it's easy haven't been there. i guess i’m lucky that dh’s ex lives across the country! i think they have a pretty “good divorce”, they communicate abut the big issues. still i’m not looking forward to my stepson’s upcoming graduation cermony, lots of stress. people who think it’s easy haven’t been there.

]]> By: Jenna P http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/03/demi-and-ashton-cozy-with-bruce-go-to-his-wedding/comment-page-1/#comment-15 Jenna P Thu, 26 Mar 2009 21:02:41 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=41#comment-15 Thank you for this. My husband used to live in the same apartment building as his ex-wife. She wanted us all to go on vacations together. That's not for me. I like some healthy boundaries. I'm lucky my husband agreed. For us it works better to have his boys come see us rather than all do stuff together. Come on, it's just awkward. Why aren't we allowed to admit that? Thank you for this. My husband used to live in the same apartment building as his ex-wife. She wanted us all to go on vacations together. That’s not for me. I like some healthy boundaries. I’m lucky my husband agreed. For us it works better to have his boys come see us rather than all do stuff together. Come on, it’s just awkward. Why aren’t we allowed to admit that?

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