Great Expectation #3: “It’s Easy for My Cousin Trudie’s Best Friend/ Darlene in Accounts Payable/ That Lady on TV, so Anyone Can Do It!”
Why do some women with stepkids seem to have it so easy? Or, put another way, Why are you struggling when my friend Patty’s co-worker is doing really well with being a stepmother?
The first reason is that women with stepkids don’t always tell the whole story for fear of being judged. In spite of what your well meaning, totally ignorant friend thinks, her cousin’s best friend’s guitar teacher’s sister is likely not telling the whole truth when she breezily responds that stepmothering is “fine.” Why on earth would she tell the whole truth to and share the gory details with a relative stranger when she knows how harsh the judgment would be? In my experience, when you hear a story of a woman with stepkids who has “no problem with his kids whatsoever,” you’re hearing a highly edited version of the real story. A stepmother who seems not to struggle at all only seems that way.
And those women who really do have very happy outcomes and very little struggle are–wait for it–lucky. I don’t say it to be nasty. Or to denigrate their achievement. But plenty of women work very, very hard at being stepmothers and don’t have great outcomes. Those who do, do because all the factors that lead to stepmothering success are there, like when all the planets line up just so. The factors that lead to successful stepmother adjustment are:
1. A completely uninvolved, or completely supportive mother to the stepkids. This frees them from the loyalty binds that otherwise cripple stepmother/stepchild relations. When kids believe “Liking stepmom means killing mom,” there’s nothing much you can do. When, on the other hand, the kids’ mom tells them she really wants them to have a relationship with you (as did the amazing Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author with her kids’ stepmom Carole Marine of No One’s the Bitch), things can fall into place and stepmom and stepkids can build a relationship. But you can’t make her give her kids that permission, and most of the time, a mom doesn’t.
2. A husband or partner who puts the marriage or partnership first (yes, first) and makes it clear to the kids that stepmom is cherished, here to stay, his partner for life, and to be respected. When he makes this hierarchy clear, everyone adjusts better, and his wife feels partnered and supported in ways that will help her navigate the normal sturm und drang of stepfamily life.
3. A developmental moment that works. Teens and young adults are notably unreceptive to getting a stepparent. It’s part of their developmental imperative to separate, not to blend. Not much you can do about that.
4. A good temperamental match. You didn’t raise them from birth. Their personalities, quirks and beliefs may be miles away from your own and incompatible with what you care about. In any case, the temperament of her stepkids, and how it fits with her own, is another one of those variables that we don’t have control over.
There is unlikely, it’s true, to be love all around all the time with your stepkids. Good enough, however, can truly be good enough. And your marriage or partnership can be strong and satisfying even if your relationship with your stepkids is imperfect. The key (or one of them) is remembering that almost all steprelations are imperfect. Given that reality, great expectations can lay you low. But lowering your expectations of what you “should” be able to achieve with his kids and how you ought to feel about them can help you feel good. Great, even.
Tags: Carole Marine, expectations of stepmothers, Jennifer Newcomb Marine, No One's the Bitch, stepmonster, stepmother success factors, wednesday martin
August 24th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I was in denial about this issue for sooooo long. I gleefully told everyone that it was all fine and life was just peachy.I realize now that I wasted a lot of mental and physical energy trying to keep this up. But there’s no point in having regrets about it (bu i admit that I have to work really hard at being gentle with myself). I’m just so glad that there are other women out there who will have access to your book and blog early on in their SM lives. Thanks again! – G
August 25th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Great post! I think I got lucky with some of these, particularly number 4. But I am not delusional that this is by any means easy. I do however like to think of the positive because dwelling on the negative and the difficult does little for my outlook. I kind of tell it like it is. If things are going great, I say that. If I want to jump off a cliff, I say that. I do edit myself depending on who I’m talking to. This is true. If it’s not going to go anywhere, by all means, everything is great. Thanks for your great blog!
August 25th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I have to admit that my great “ah ha!” moment came when I realized and admitted to myself that these kids are NOT mine. I can’t say that aloud, as it sets my husband off if I do, but it helps me to re-center myself. We married when the kids were both teens (bad moment in time I now realize), the kids’ bio mom loves to create drama in lives all around her (but at least is no longer local!), and my personality, quirks and beliefs are GREATLY different than the kids. We do the usual stepfamily dance…two steps forward, three steps back and maybe a slide to the side…
Thanks for another posting that helps articulate feelings I had but did not voice.
August 25th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Dear Georgina,
Thanks for commenting. Interesting that you felt the need to fake that it was all just fine. But really, who wouldn’t? I remember a stranger asking me at a cocktail party, “Do your stepdaughters like you?” and I wanted to shoot back, “Do your teenaged daughters like YOU?” But really it was a light going off–as in, I’d better find a way to protect myself from the judgment. Still searching, of course!
Come back soon, xx wednesday
August 25th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Hi Julie,
Two steps forward, three steps back describes it so, so well. And I’m so glad your drama is long distance now. It makes a difference, doesn’t it? And just think, the older they get, the fewer pretext there will be for mom to be intrusive. Hang in there, and thanks for reading…xx wednesday
August 25th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Hi Maggie,
I so agree about reframing and trying to stay positive and keep those expectations realistic! Whenever I remind myself that the insanity is par for the course, it makes life easier. I’m glad you too, have found a formula that helps. Please keep me posted on how things go for you all, and especially your. xx wednesday
August 26th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Never forget that three steps forward, two steps back is STILL forward progress…
The planets aligned for me…I’m one of the “lucky” ones, but even lucky ones get their knickers bunched up, their eyes cross, and they often question, “WTF?”
My ex-wife-in-law, when it comes to me, is supportive of her kids having a relationship with me. I even have the email as proof, “I’m just glad their dad found someone so involved and who obviously loves them…” She’s not the type to take a few days off before her daughter’s wedding (which is this Friday) and to do the last minute stuff…that’s me. I’m working from home (yesterday and today) so that I can do the last minute stuff like go to the craft store and get the vases, ribbon, etc for the centerpieces. Likewise, I’m taking the WEEK off before my oldest daughter gets married in 6 weeks (see my head spin…two weddings in 6 weeks!)
When our grand daughter was born, bio mom proudly announced, “I don’t make cookies….” so I said, “well, I do…”
I’m an outsider with an insider pass. I’m the one my stepkids call because as my oldest stepson said in an email, “you always have an answer…” (it might not be a good answer or one you may want to hear, but I do try to find solution)
And none of this could be possible if my husband didn’t put our relationship first. He does. He’s freaking amazing. When he realized his youngest (Junior) was trying to get dad to pick sides by throwing me under the bus (don’t worry, the kid will throw his grandmother under the bus if he can get away with something) my husband pretty much chewed him up one side and down the other “Peggy will be here long after your gone, so don’t even go there…”
And then there’s that third thing – the thing that most people think is so weird – my husband’s ex-in-laws kept him…and then adopted me. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve dropped the Ex and now just introduce his ex-wife’s mother as my mother-in-law.
But remember, luck is when preparation meets opportunity…now…if I could get the left side of my life to look more like this side of my life, I’d be more balanced
August 26th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I believe my relationship with my own stepmother suffers from a huge discrepancy in #4. It’s like we are from two completely different universes. I have generally taken your approach of ‘good enough is good enough’ with us. I’m respectful and kind to her, but I can’t really say I like her and although I do love her as she’s been a part of my life for almost 30 years, I don’t feel that love like I do with my biological parents. And although she would deny it to the bone, I think she feels much the same way towards me. I think she feels and has always felt much of the ways you describe here on your site, but she is too afraid to be honest with herself and others. Although she won’t admit feelings of jealousy or resentment, she says she’s still angry about child support and custody issues. I’m not even sure if she really wants a relationship with me or if it’s just that she feels pressured to have one.
Being so different, my ‘good enough’ and her ‘good enough’ are miles apart. She has told me that she doesn’t say what she really wants to say to me (although I’ve never asked her not to speak her mind and I’ve always listened to what she’s said), she feels she can’t call me whenever she wants to (although I’ve never dodged or not taken a call from her), she feels I don’t call or visit them enough (although I called just as much as she did and we went as much as possible); and all of this translates for her (as she has told me) to me controlling and setting all the terms for the relationship. It’s left me kind of dumbfounded as I never remembered setting any terms. I don’t understand why it’s only up to me to set the tone and nurture the relationship. I know I’m all grown up now, but I am the kid; can’t we at least be equals in that regard? I don’t want the responsibility for our relationship to rest in it’s entirety on my shoulders.
I’ve got a young family of my own and I don’t have the time to pretend I have feelings that aren’t there. I don’t want to hurt her but I also don’t want a relationship shoved down my throat. I’m tired of feeling inadequate, mean spirited or evil for not feeling the feelings that she wants me to have. On the flip side of that, I expect to be respected in the same manner that I respect her. But again, my idea of respect and hers varies quite a bit.
My father won’t speak about me or see me as (I believe and have been told by a half sibling) he feels it would be a betrayal to her. And I’m left wondering why he feels he has to choose? I’ve never tried to come between them. Never asked him to leave or not love her. Maybe I’m completely off the mark here. Maybe I’m too close and don’t understand her feelings enough to look at things correctly. So I ask you as the leading expert in stepmother’s, how should I proceed? I know you say that being a stepmother is harder than being a mother and I’ll tell you the converse is true as well. Because in my experience, being a stepdaughter has been much harder than being a daughter as well.
August 26th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Peggy,
It’s always great to hear your upbeat voice here. One thing I very much appreciate about your outlook is that you have never once generalized your outcome to those of other women. You are generous in your acknowledgment that it is circumstance that leads to stepfamily success, but even that if circumstances are not great, women with stepkids can still engineer a reality that works for us–happiness, a satisfying partnership. Given that so much of stepfamily “success” is the luck of the draw, I’m so grateful that you’re educating women with stepkids about the need for self care!
xx w
August 26th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Carolyn,
I’m so glad you’re reading, and that you wrote. I can really relate to what you’re saying about just feeling differently about your mother and father than you do about your stepmother, and being spread thin with young kids so that putting lots of work into the relationship with your stepmom doesn’t feel like the best use of your energy. And that being a stepdaughter is harder than being a daughter. Well said and so understandable!
You ask what to do about this feeling that you are obliged to make it better and bear the responsibility for your relationship with stepmom. I have some thoughts (though I’m not sure I have any perfect advice). It seems you are willing to put some energy into figuring out how you fit into the overall puzzle with your dad and stepmom, so you might start unravelling the mystery of how things got to this point (I’m sorry you’re not in communication with your dad!) by asking a few questions.
Did your stepmom come into your life when you were an adolescent, or did you and she have lots of clashes during that time? Sometimes, an adult stepchild and a stepmother just can’t “reset” after a difficult adolescence. In this regard, you and your stepmom would not be unusual at all.
Were you or are you now in a loyalty conflict (feeling that being nice to stepmom would be a betrayal of mom)? These loyalty binds can be very tough on everyone involved and may contribute to your stepmother’s feelings of being overlooked, second best, not important, etc.
I wonder if your stepmother feels that she put in lots of effort and is now resentful that it doesn’t feel reciprocated? This is one thing that leads stepmothers to retreat, along with feeling judged. Without knowing more about your situation, I can’t say for sure if this is going on, only that we know from the research that it is a common feeling that spurs feelings of resentment from the stepmother.
Without seeming shamelessly self-promoting, I want to suggest that it might help for you to read my book, and then pass it along to her. There is plenty in the book to validate your experience as well as hers. If nothing else, giving her the book or another book about stepmothering that you choose to read and pass along would show that you have some degree of interest in figuring out her feelings and motivations. How do you think she would respond?
Finally, let me say that as wonderful as I think it is that you are thinking of ways to proceed here, I do respect and understand that sometimes step relations are very complicated indeed. The research shows lots of difficulty particularly between stepdaughters and stepmothers. If you can engineer an outcome that is “good enough” rather than perfect, loving, and close, that will be an achievement. So think about what “good enough” would mean for you, and keep me posted.
all best, wednesday
August 27th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Ah, Wednesday. You’ve provided such an insightful response. We did indeed have a tumultuous time during my adolescence. I lived with her and my father from the age of 15 – 18. It didn’t start well, it didn’t go well and it ended even worse. That was almost 16 years ago and it’s exactly as you say. She can’t ‘reset’. It’s like we all moved on with life and she’s still living in 1994. It makes me sad. And as much as I wish she could move on, I’m not willing to let her keep dragging me back there with her because it doesn’t feel like any penance I give will ever be enough. So right or wrong, I’ve said enough is enough…with that.
And she does feel like she put in lots of effort and it’s not reciprocated. She’s often reminding me of the things she bought me and that her efforts are close to only reason my father has ever had a relationship with me. But I’ve always had a hard time with that too because it’s hard not to compare: what accolades have my birth parents expected from me regarding caring for me as a child? None. What do I expect from my own children for providing for them? None. I know it’s not the same, but it’s hard to shake the feeling. And with regards to my dad, it’s hard not to feel like he’s really the one who should be thanking her for that so as nobody had to see him as the negligent father she claims he would have been otherwise.
It’s frustrating all around. She feels badly. I know because now she’s hurting me and I can only think it’s an attempt to make me feel badly too. She’s even doing absurd things; things I know she will one day be embarrassed of, all in the attempt to exact pain. And my biggest worry now is that if this goes on much longer, my ‘good enough’ is going to look more and more like ‘no thanks’. Because I can innately forgive my parents. I don’t know if I will be able to forgive her.
Thank you Wednesday for doing what you do. I hope stepmothers the world around read your work and feel self empowered and validated through acknowledging the feelings they have instead of denying them and becoming bitter and resentful. Because when that happens, the relationships with the children become collateral damage.
I will buy your book and I will pass it on to her. My only fear is that she’ll see the title, assume I’m insulting her and deposit into the closest garbage receptacle. But of course it’s worth a try. Because with or without a relationship with me, I want her and my father to be happy. Thank you for everything.
August 28th, 2009 at 10:02 am
As usual Wednesday, great stuff!
Really good too to hear from a stepdaughter from Carolyn. Lack of gratitude/appreciation is something that frequently dogs the stepmother/stepchild relationship, simply because it is one forged on choices, not by biological “accident” (forgive the terminology, Friday afternoon and couldn’t think of anything better!) as it is with bio parents. I’m also a stepdaughter – my dad and SM got together when I was 11, then divorced when I was 19, but despite the divorce, I’ve stayed in touch with SM, and still absolutely view her as part of my family. However, until I became a SM myself, I never appreciated just how hard things might have been for her, and once I realised the “choice” dynamic, it did make me appreciate the effort she put in all the more. She never asked for any accolades, but I actually think she does deserve some, because she could have made different choices, many times along the road, but she didn’t. As a result of the choices she made, we have both benefited, and I truly do appreciate her for that, and more than she may ever know. Because like Carolyn said, we can innately forgive our parents and our children – it takes a lot more to be able to forgive a stepparent or stepchild with whom those innate bonds are not present.
Maybe if she realises Carolyn that you understand and appreciate what she chose to do all those years ago, to pick up the slack for your dad, and to make the effort even though it was not always reciprocated, and you also explain to her that you are now choosing to stick with it and try and build a bridge instead of choosing to walk away, you might be able to start again as two adults on a different footing. All I know is, choice is powerful, and sometimes we have to understand the implications of making one choice or another in life. I think that is something that ultimately all step-relations have to realise they are founded on – choice, rather than the necessity of sharing DNA.
August 28th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Wednesday,
Thank you for giving voice to this issue: “But plenty of women work very, very hard at being stepmothers and don’t have great outcomes.”
So much of the burden of stepfamily success seems to hinge on the stepmom, who has the least power, control and influence in that dynamic. Thank you for making society at large aware that if things don’t work out, it’s certainly not for lack of trying, hoping and praying on our part.
Katherine
August 30th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Carolyn,
Looks like you are already getting some good advice/support here from Wicked Steppie. I have to commend you for trying to figure this puzzle of steprelations out–it can be so tough and sometimes it feels easier to just ignore it all. But of course, that doesn’t make the problems go away and usually just intensifies the feelings of resentment all around.
I can only add one thing to the mix here, which might be of interest to you. I have learned from interviewing other women and my own personal experience just how powerful an apology can be in a stepfamily, and how reparative. A few years ago my own stepdaugher, a young adult by then, told me she had been “an angry adolescent” and apologized “for making it hard for you.” The truth is she had been doing all normal things given the circumstances. But it had, in fact, been hard for me at the time, and the half-life of the past was, in fact, impacting my friendship with her in subtle ways that I was not even much aware of. Until she said she was sorry. Which made the friendship feel much less lopsided, much more reciprocal. I was very touched. She was acknowledging that in my role as stepmother, it made sense that I would not have had all the automatic built-in tolerance that a parent does for a teen going through a difficult phase of individuating (plus, in the stepfamily example, rejecting and hostile behavior toward a stepparent out of loyalty binds). I told her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized for having been an imperfect stepparent myself during that tough time, but the truth is, her apology was a very important sign of appreciation and it changed my feelings about her in profound ways, making her seem mature and caring and self-aware in ways I hadn’t noticed before.
So there’s one more bit of information to add to the hopper as you move forward. Wishing you all the best, and looking forward to hearing more from you!
wednesday
August 30th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Hi Katherine,
One of the things that I find most upsetting in my work is realizing the number of people out there who do NOT understand that it is mostly circumstance that leads to success, not trying hard and being nice. I think society at large needs to understand that good intentions on the stepmother’s part are NOT enough. Luck plays a tremendous role here. Once we get that into people’s noggins, I think there will be much more compassion for stepmothers, and much less judgment. People really aren’t aware of the facts. Thanks for reading…
wednesday
September 1st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Thanks Wicked Steppie and Wednesday again for insightful feedback.
I wish I could apologize. I want to and yet it feels like by doing it, I would be stomping all over my own self worth in the process. Eight months ago I might have been able to do it. Maybe without even giving it a second thought. But now things have changed, for me.
Because for the last several years I’ve been able to maintain my relationship with my stepmom without thinking a whole lot about our history. There was a gap of years where we were not in each other’s lives and when we were reintroduced, I saw it in just that way. Me an adult with my own life and her, my dad’s wife; my stepmom. But when her feelings came spilling out about how she hadn’t gotten past things, I couldn’t help but go back there and it wasn’t a pretty place.
I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t easy. But I was the kid who had to listen to her insist to me one night that my mother didn’t love me. Over and over she said it along with the evidence support her claim, like that she wasn’t calling and not paying child support. She challenged me to deny it. Asked what evidence I had to the contrary. Told me I had to concede she was right.
I had hardly remembered it a year ago and now it’s all I can think of when I consider apologizing. Because I have read your work and others and I now understand that this particular night probably had very little to do with her trying to make me feel bad and more to do with her anger at my mother, her anger at my father, her anger at herself and her resentment at the situation. But it felt like abuse to me.
And so it seems I’m now just as stuck as she is. I’ve bought your book and I will pass it on to her. I do want her to find happiness. But an apology? It’s not that I don’t think she deserves one. It’s just that it’s too difficult for me to give. Right now. Hopefully that will change in the future.
Thanks again Wednesday. You really have given me so much insight into her and our relationship. I’m really grateful for that.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
“But I was the kid who had to listen to her insist to me one night that my mother didn’t love me. Over and over she said it along with the evidence support her claim, like that she wasn’t calling and not paying child support. She challenged me to deny it. Asked what evidence I had to the contrary. Told me I had to concede she was right.”
It sounds like your stepmom treated you in a way that really, really wasn’t appropriate. Also, if she is still trying to get you act in a different way or show her more affection based on things she did for you financially in the past — I wouldn’t tolerate that from my own biological parents, not for one second, let alone a stepparent. I wouldn’t apologize if I were you. I think trusting your own judgment on this is the way to go. I hope you don’t hold it against stepmoms in general. I would NEVER treat my stepkids this way, now or in the rest of this lifetime, no matter how difficult things are (and they are often very, very hard).