Great Expectation #4: You guys and his ex can all be best friends. Just try.
I’m not sure many people noticed the presence of Joan Kennedy at Ted Kennedy’s funeral. But I did. Writing about stepmothering skews your vision sometimes, and brings things into focus that interest only you (and, hopefully, other women with stepchildren).
The reason Joan Kennedy would show up to memorialize her ex was clear–she was there to honor a man she was married to for 25 years. But what was less clear, and captured my imagination, was how Victoria Kennedy might have felt about her being there. Happy? Indifferent? Outraged? This is the range of responses women with stepkids I interviewed for my book Stepmonster described when they discussed interfacing and interacting with their husband’s exes in scenarios as dire or much more ho-hum and everyday than a funeral.
It is only within the last 40 years or so that women in remarriages with children have begun to grapple with a new variable, the presence of an ex-spouse. Previously, most remarriages with children took place after one parent’s death. The presence of a mother and ex-wife in the picture invariably complicates things. As stepfamily researcher Mavis Hetherington has pointed out, stepfamilies, like machines, are subject to the law of moving parts. The more of people there are, the greater the opportunities for interpersonal conflict, differences of opinion, and unreconcilable points of view.
There are exceptions, of course, and much is made of them. With all the media hoopla over the last several years about Bruce and Demi and Ashton (and now Bruce’s wife, Emma) being best pals and spending holidays and vacations and evenings out together, highly cooperative, extremely chummy co-parenting involving all partners has a new, high-gloss visibility. And I found in the course my research that this means another great expectation is dogging women with stepkids: you have failed somehow if he and his ex-wife, and YOU and his ex-wife, aren’t enthusiastically doing holidays, birthday parties and slumber parties together for the kids. It’s what they want and need, after all (it’s not, actually, but more of that later).
This expectation percolates even before the marriage happens many times: I have received many emails from women asking me, “Do I have to invite my husband’s ex to the wedding?” Most of them have no desire to do so, but feel enormous pressure to go ahead and send out the invitation anyway. The pressure comes from the ex herself, the kids, the in-laws and in some cases even the husband-to-be. It also comes from the culture at large: we seem to have collectively bought into the idea that post-divorce and remarriage reality “should” be easy. Indeed, other women told me that they were expected to go to Christmas or Thanksgiving every year at their husband’s ex’s place–and even do so without complaint. “I felt like it was modern and hip to do every holiday over there, but I hated it,” one woman told me. “I put my foot down but it was surprising how many of my friends thought I was being petulant or unreasonable.” Once again I am reminded of pioneering stepfamily researcher Lucille Duberman’s insight way back in 1975: “A stepmother must be extraordinary in order to be seen as merely adequate.”
The “you should include the ex in everything starting with your wedding, make her and your husband friendly, and be friends with her yourself” expectation is so enormous, and so unrealistic, that it bears careful exploration and dissection before we simply discard it. On this charged topic it might be best to let the facts and the research speak for themselves.
1. High conflict divorces are stressful and unhealthy for children. Exes can address this by shooting for civility rather than BFF status. Mavis Hetherington found that the vast majority of exes are doing something called parallel parenting, in which they more or less stay out of each other’s way, and that the vast majority of kids are, to Hetherington’s surprise, doing quite well with this arrangement.
2. Hetherington and stepfamily researcher Francesca Adler-Baeder, who is also coordinator of the National Stepfamily Resource Center, found that highly cooperative and highly friendly co-parenting arrangements between exes were actually confusing for children; Adler-Baeder told me in a conversation that such relationship are as detrimental as high conflict ones, leading children to wonder, “If they all get along so well, why did they divorce, and what’s the point of being married?” Everyone being civil or even kind is great; love and closeness all around between exes and between a wife and and ex-wife is confusing for kids of all ages, numerous experts tell us.
3. Remarriages or repartnerings with children are remarkably vulnerable and have dramatically higher rates of divorce or dissolution than first marriages. Siphoning attention and energy from the partnership into an attempt to “fix” a relationship with the partner’s ex can have disastrous consequences for the couple. So feel free to put your focus on your partnership, not on your partner’s ex.
4. For all kinds of reasons, women are more relational and affiliative than men, deriving our self-esteem from successful relationships and often feeling anxious and even depressed when we cannot engineer them. Keep this in mind when it comes to your parnter’s ex. You do not have to be best friends with this person for co-parenting to work, and it’s not your job to repair what your husband and his ex broke.
5. Keep your eyes open, however, for opportunities to transform civility with his ex into something warmer. Sally told me she was pleasantly surprised when, thirty years after she and her husband divorced and he remarried, she found herself having much in common with her former rival. They now discuss their kids, grandkids, and more. “We’re both mothers-in-law now, and there’s a lot to dish about,” Sally told me recently. My friend Jennifer Newcomb Marine and her ex’s wife Carol Marine wrote a book, No One’s the Bitch, about their own personal journey from mutual disdain to respect and even affection for one another. It’s a good read and a helpful guide, but that does not mean making friendship with his ex your life’s work is a good idea for you. If your husband’s ex exacerbates her kids’ loyalty binds intentionally, for example, or has a personality disorder, your efforts will drain you and perhaps even feed into her sense that you are in the wrong and trying to “make up for it.”
6. Feel free to stay out of the fray completely, and to buck the pressure to work a miracle with his ex, with whom your husband may well be in a conflictual or high-conflict relationship. Never going much beyond saying hello on the phone when she calls is fine, too. Lots of women have no relationship with a husband’s ex beyond that. Why get involved in the logistics, planning, drop-offs and pick-ups and more if it increases opportunities for conflict and your husband can do it himself? A nice hello at the school concert is fine; you don’t have to sit next to each other and go to a diner together after to be a good person, a good wife, or a good stepmother.
Part of succeeding at being a woman with stepchildren is knowing that other people’s expectations (many of them ridiculous, such as, “You’re failing if you aren’t going on vacation with his ex”) need not become your own personal burden.
Tags: Carol Marine, ex-wife, Francesa Adler-Baeder, Jennifer Newcomb Marine, Joan Kennedy, Mavis Hetherington, No One's the Bitch, relationship with your husband's ex, stepmonster, Ted Kennedy, Victoria Kennedy, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren
August 31st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Oh no. Did I screw up…AGAIN? His ex and I have co-hosted birthday parties and are planning a blended family vacation to Europe next year all in the name of family harmony.
I’m so confused. Why is it bad or confusing for the kids if everyone gets along?
I realize my case may be completely different than most women’s. My husband is only home for 1/2 the weekend and that’s all any of us ever see him (the kids, me, etc.) otherwise he’s in another state or another country. The ex and I are more the co-parents than he and his ex now.
Am I wrong in maintaining this level of harmony?
August 31st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I noticed her and wondered about her, too. I once thought I was evolved enough to include all parents in all events but I have to say, I hate it and avoid it, if I can. And it’s not only the event that I hate but the time leading up to the event is worse than the actual thing.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
It’s great to hear this. I tried to be friendly the ex and wound up with a whole lotta BS to deal with as a result. We haven’t spoken since that fateful day, as that move really effed up my life for a good chunk of time.
In another life, we wouldn’t be friends; we couldn’t be more different. So I don’t think I need to try to do anything aside from staying out of her way. I do wish she liked me, but I think that’s just my middle school insecurities coming back to haunt me. It is what it is, and if we get along one day then so be it. I’m surely not trying any more.
Thanks for posting it. I should forward it to numerous people in my life.
August 31st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Dear Erin,
No you are not screwing up! What Dr. Adler-Baeder and Lois Braverman of the Ackerman Institute emphasized is that when the exes are extremely close and highly cooperative and friendly, it is confusing for their kids, who wonder, “WTF? Why’d they get a divorce, then, and what’s the point?” That scenario is also difficult for the wife/stepmom (as you can imagine it would be if one’s husband as his ex were really chummy and close; eventually, the husband wife relationship has to be primary, and in some cases there is a rather difficult transition as husband transfers his investment to wife rather than ex-wife).
I think it’s not “wrong” to do what you’re doing if it’s okay with you that you’re putting your energy where you are! Many women would resent it and that would be normal but you’re one who doesn’t, and this works for you. There’s a spectrum! (One woman I interviewed had a husband whose ex-wife, with a dx of BPD, wanted to do blended family vacations and my interview subject said NO WAY; another woman I interviewed was delighted to do big “blended” holidays with her husbands ex and all their kids because the situation had worked out well and she felt very close to the ex and the kids; another woman I interviewed tried a “family holiday” with his ex once and said, Never again.)
Sorry if I gave you the impression that I’m trying to prescribe what women should do. I’m not! I’m trying to counter the cultural pressure that many of us feel to do things that we don’t want to do, and to act as if it doesn’t bother us IF it does. If you’re happy, then it works for you. Thanks for commenting! xx wednesday
August 31st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Hi Maggie and Eyes,
It’s a lot of pressure, isn’t it? I’m amazed at how many people out there say things like, ‘You do stuff together with his ex and the kids, right?’ as if that’s somehow the easiest thing in the world. I think the media has really warped everyone’s thinking here. I’m glad that there are a few people out there for whom it IS easy to have a very linked bi-nuclear family household arrangement. Erin is one of them, and it works for her. Sally on the other hand just became friends with her ex’s wife after 30 years, and was surprised by it herself. It wasn’t a goal, or something she put a lot of energy into, but eventually, it happened. Which I think is great.
Again there’s a whole range and I think that it’s unreasonable to expect the wife/stepmom to broker peace when she’s under so much pressure and likely getting so much resentment herself. I’d like us to have the luxury to focus on our own sanity first and foremost! thanks for reading, wednesday
August 31st, 2009 at 4:43 pm
“your efforts will drain you and perhaps even feed into her sense that you are in the wrong and trying to “make up for it”
This sentence really interested me. I have, over the years, bent over backwards to tread softly around the BM, making it clear to her that she is the kids mother and I am in no way a threat to her and have no intention of getting involved with decisions about the kids or overstepping the mark, or ever putting so much as a little toe out of place your majesty etc… etc… etc…. This has always been done to keep the peace etc… It never occurred to me that I could potentially be feeding into her sense that I am in the wrong!
Another great article.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Another Stepmom,
You sentence, “The problem for me comes when we offer an even minimal amount of what I view as common courtesy and it isn’t reciprocated or appreciated” really resonated with me and with others, I’m sure. I share your wish that it could be as straight-forward a matter as extending the warmth we feel is just everyone’s due and having it reciprocated, and your frustration that so often this isn’t the case. After one radio interview I did, a commentator said, “I don’t have problems with my husband’s ex wife because we all act like grown-ups. It’s that simple.” Ignorance is so widespread, and unfortunately it is NOT that simple in most step-situations. Mavis Hetherington has found that ex wives experience more anger and resentment than ex-husbands do, and that they experience it for longer. Ex-wives are also, according to Ann Bernstein, more likely to exhibit “accusatory suffering” as well as exacerbate their children’s loyalty binds. For the stepmothers in these situations, modeling civility for their stepchildren’s benefit and their own sanity is a Herculean task, and I feel they deserve recognition for that, not pressure and “shoulds” from those who have no clue about stepfamily reality. Fortunately there are many exceptions, including ex-wives like author Jennifer Newcomb Marine. You might be interested in her book, No One’s the Bitch.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
I look forward to your articles each week. They are so true and help me validate a lot of my thoughts. My boyfriend and his ex had been celebrating birthdays and holidays together for the 3 years they have been divorced… until I came along. I don’t have a problem being in the same place as her if it’s a school event or at one of the kids’ athletic events, but no longer will birthday present exchanging be happening simultaneously at one person’s house. For me (and for the kids too, I think), it’s just weird. Hopefully last Christmas was the last year the kids woke up to find him sleeping on their mom’s couch as well, but I’m saving that discussion for later. Thanks!!!
September 1st, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I’m hanging out there on the tree branch with Erin. On the left side of my life, I have NO contact with MY exhusband and his wife (my girls’ stepmother…she was the OW, yadda yadda yadda) - and while I’ve been willing to extend the olive branch to that side…it’s not wanted.
The Right Side is a vastly different story. My stepkids know and often say, their mom and dad are much better divorced then they ever were married (high conflict). What helps is the framework that his ex’ family has created over the last 30 years. Her mom and stepmom are best friends and they do vacation together - I know this because I vacation with them.
This past weekend, we had a wedding. My youngest step daughter tied the knot. Her motherS and her father gave her away. I can’t wait for the professional pictures to come in - BM and I stood next to each other in so many pictures. We’re not an exception to the rule, we’re not abnormal, we might be on the rare side, but we are an example of how it can work as opposed to how it doesn’t or can’t. It can work, but it takes two reasonable, mature people who are willing to build the relationship.
And at this same wedding was another mom/stepmom relationship that doesn’t work - not so much because of the mom, but because of the wackiness of the stepmom. My son-in-law’s stepmother is everything we stepmoms never want to be.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I just want to reiterate that what works in my life may not work in the lives of others. I seriously got lucky and I’m grateful that long before I walked into the picture, the family framework was already there. I give 90% of the credit to the two women I refer to as my mother-in-laws, who just happen to be BM’s mom and stepmom.
The rest of it was up to me and BM. Have I slogged through some stuff? You betcha - even wrote about it in this month’s issue of StepMom. Have BM and I butted heads? You betcha - BUT - because of the family framework, we worked through it and moved forward. Are we BFF? No. Not yet. But after Friday’s wedding, we’re moving that much closer to a stronger relationship.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Hi Peggy,
Interesting, as always, to have you here. Sally, an interview subject in my book, also bonded with her ex husband’s wife at a wedding. She also describing having a long conversation with her ex-mother-in -law at that celebration. These big life transitions can sometimes be an opportunity to see things in a new way after many years and kind of start again. Wonderful!
My concern, as ever, is that women with stepkids are burdened with unrealistic expectations on all sides, and the one about it being her responsibility to blend a family, get the kids to like her, AND be on very friendly terms with her husband’s ex (not to mention brokering a rapprochement between the exes!) is just the newest one.
Civility, cordiality, warmth–these things happen for the lucky and make life so much easier all around. But as you said, you are surrounded by committed and mature parent figures working together, which is great and not, if we look at the big longitudinal studies, the norm, at least not yet! Bray, Ahrons, Hetherington and others all found that for women who really struggling with stepmothering, the fly in the ointment of steprelations is in fact often an ex-wife who is intentionally or unintentionally undermining, exacerbates her children’s loyalty binds, and is highly involved in her ex-husband’s household, in combination with a husband who is unsupportive of his wife as primary partner and equal. It’s likely easier to fix the husband side of the equation, and certainly more urgent, before deciding whether to address the ex side of the equation.
I don’t doubt that ex-wives who DON’T fit the description (and I know several of you!) might chafe at Hetherington’s and others’ findings that women (ex-wives) experience and express more anger and resentment than men (ex-husbands) and hold on to it for longer, and are more involved and intrusive than ex-husbands, and more likely to play the “accusatory suffering game,” making life particularly difficult for many stepmothers. In my book, any woman who works hard to be a compassionate co-parent post-divorce for the sake of her kids deserves plenty of recognition and praise–and hopefully others will follow her example.
To make a long story short, there ought to be choices. I want women with stepkids to feel free to buck the newest great expectation that they “ought to” pour energy into making it work with hubby’s ex. It’s not a moral issue–it’s a choice made after you assess the terrain including your own inclinations. My message is that it’s fine to simply keep that relationship cordial and focus on one’s own mental health and marriage. For plenty of women with stepkids, those are already full time jobs! And for the woman whose ex is in a conflictual or even highly conflictual relationship with an ex, it’s fine and probably advisable (according to the shrinks and lawyers I interviewed) to stay out of the fray.
Thanks for reading and commenting, xx wednesday
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:06 am
Wednesday - Sally gives me hope! I don’t know if I’ll bond with my ex-husband’s wife, but maybe I can balance out my left side a bit more
My oldest daughter gets married Oct 17…
And I agree and advocate that the number one relationship to focus on is the marriage relationship. One sister stepmom that I’m working with has connected the dots and realized that the issues she’s experiencing in her remarried family are a symptom of issues in the marriage. So…she’s focusing on her marriage, making marriage deposits, and she’s become a “student” of John Gottman. (I so love that you included his research in your book - and I just really hope more stepmoms pay attention to that section - it’s SO important!)
xxoo
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Hello All,
I am having a difficult time dealing with an extremely challenging ex-wife/bio Mom. She is stunningly cruel and disrespectful toward us. She sends us horrible emails with all sorts of untrue and wild accusations. She also meddles in our parenting in an effort to turn my stepdaugther against us. In short, she is a nightmare (and I can’t believe I am saying this b/c I had naively believed that I would have a pleasant and cordial relationship with her). My husband and I do not “retaliate” with disrespectful behavior and we have, on several occasions, asked her to join us in therapy sessions so that we can learn how to better communicate and co-parent. She refuses. With this said, I have come to understand that I cannot change her behavior but I can change how I respond to it. Unfortunately, lately I am doing an awful job and I am allowing this behavior to occupy my consciousness much more than it should (ruminating thoughts, etc.). I don’t want this woman’s cruelty to permeate my family. I am wondering if you have any advice that is geared towards this very situation (or if you can point me to the right place for some thoughtful guidance/support)? Thank you very much.
Thank you very much!
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Hi Mary Beth,
It’s so tough to be embroiled in a high-conflict situation with someone who sounds from your description to be very high-drama. The good news is that you are ahead of the game in realizing that you are ruminating. It’s hard not to when a person in your life is behaving so outrageously, but knowing that this is going on in your head is a good step toward stopping or lessening it.
There is a great book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., a psychologist at Yale, called Women Who Think Too Much–not about dealing with the ex, but about rumination. You might find it helpful. As to putting up with your husband’s ex, the most important thing is that she not create a rift in your marriage. To that end, prioritizing and tending to your partnership is of the upmost importance. A regular date night is a big help according to many remarried couples I spoke to. So is you getting out on your own, without your husband or stepkids, to bitch to friends, have fun with them, relax, get out of the stressful home environment and rejuvenate yourself to prevent a common development when there is a conflictual ex in the picture, stepmaternal burnout.
Finally, as a personal recommendation, I can tell you that meditation saved my nervous system in many a stressful situation like you describe. And remember that when stepkids get older, there are fewer pretexts for an ex-wife to contact her ex husband and his wife. Things may abate in a number of years, depending on how old the kids are (sounds far away, I know!)
I hope others will have additional suggestions for you. Meanwhile you might check out the section of my book called “The Ex Factor.” Good luck and please do keep us posted about what works and how you’re doing. best, wednesday
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Wednesday,
Thank you so much for you helpful and thoughtful reply. Mediation sounds like a wonderful RX!
Best wishes to you.
Mary Beth
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Thanks again, Wednesday for raising the consciousness of stepmoms. I love your Great Expectations posts. The topics are so real and relevant and helpful to all the stepmoms who are reading them. I agree that some of the issues become easier as the stepkids get older. As you correctly remember from our conversations, I was able to bond with the wife of my ex at the wedding of my son and the relationship has continued. Actually it is fairly unconventional in that the relationship we have hasn’t been shared with the rest of the family….my ex and my adult children. But when J (ex’s wife ) comes to town, we usually meet for lunch….nobody else joins us and nobody else is told about it. No one in the family realizes that we are really friends now. They all think that we are just cordial and friendly at family events. In writing about this I am thinking that it’s kind of weird but it would feel even weirder for me to do things as one big happy blended family.
September 3rd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Wednesday,
Thank you for not capitalizing “ex”. If, as stepmoms, we are aiming to have healthy marriages without toxic interference from an ex (or our toxic thoughts of her), why do I see so many articles on line refer to “The Ex”?? The capitalization of this invented title communicates a level of prominence in our lives and marriages. Ladies, let’s please reframe the conversation to talk about our husband’s “ex” or better yet, our “stepkids’ mom” or some variation of the latter.
September 4th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Hello Orlinda,
I think it was just sloppy grammar that I didn’t capitalize ex. However, now that you point it out, I’m going to continue this way. When we write “Ex,” you are so right, we are sort of elevating her to iconic status which demeans her and us as people. Thanks for the insight, and thanks for reading and commenting. Come back soon.
best, wednesday
September 8th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I’ve written a few articles on this subject and some have disagreed, including stepmothers. Our society has conditioned us to believe that the ONLY way stepfamilies can co-exist is if we ALL love each other because this is what the kids need - NOT! The kids need you to communicate in a civil manner, be consistent with drop off and pick up and discipline and set rules and boundaries in order to give them guidance. There is no rule that says that we all have to be BFF’s. As a matter of fact, my personal experience and research does indiciate that it can be quite confusing for the children. Not only does planning holidays, vacations and birthdays together take an enormous amount of energy, but it sends the wrong message to children. Instead of encouraging them to get used to the idea of mom and dad being apart, you are reinforcing their fantasy of mom and dad being back together and in the process, subliminally sending the message that stepmom is indeed in the way!
I encourage all of my clients to be amicable, yes, and work together to co-parent effectively, but encourage your child to embrace this new concept of family as soon as you divorce. Yes, mom and dad love the child just as they did prior to the divorce, but the reality is that they are not together anymore and must encourage that child, by example, to accept someone new, even if neither has remarried yet. Continuing with old family traditions does not encourage chidlren of divorce to embrace change and their future families; it only teaches them to live in the past.
Furthermore, relationships take an enormous amount of work, especially marriages. As such, if you are spending all of your time trying to fix your relationship with your ex or your husband’s ex, then really, I mean really, how much time are you actually spending on your marriage? Remarried couples must learn to get their priorities straight and put the focus back on them, as a couple. Once you remarry your priorities as a remarried couple are no different than those of a married couple. The husband and wife are the kings of the castle, the pillars of strength for their families and the kids follow suit…period. There is no room for a third person in your marriage and if you allow exes to constantly intervene, be it directly or indirectly, your marriage will suffer for it. The sooner remarried couples adopt this way of thinking in their marriages, the better their stepfamilies will function and the better the kids will benefit as a result.
Once again, wonderful post, Wednesday!
*Kela*
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
September 8th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Kela,
Fascinating insights from you here; thank you so much. You remind me of the words of one of my favorite stepfamily coaches, Mary Kelly-Smith of marriedwithbaggage.com. She asked me, “When did we all collectively buy into the idea that it was our job to shield and protect our children from pain at all costs?” What she meant is what you suggest here: that there is pain in the world and in childhood–divorce, switching schools, feeling misunderstood by a friend, a bully in class, a nasty teacher. And that constantly contorting ourselves to try to counter this reality, or blunt it, doesn’t necessarily help our children. It just delays the development of resilience, one of the most important qualities we can develop.
Did everyone hear Kela’s point about an intrusive or interfering ex? One who demands that your husband do chores at her house or join for holidays or take the kids whenever she wants, regardless of the schedule, and threatens that otherwise he can’t see the kids, etc? Or the ex who simply wants more chumminess than you, woman partnered with a man with kids, feels comfortable with? Kela says “There is no room for a third person in your marriage and if you allow exes to constantly intervene, be it directly or indirectly, your marriage will suffer for it.” Say it, Kela. And thanks again for reading and posting.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:25 pm
[...] and caring approach, excellent study tools, and received much appreciation from instructors and …Wednesday Martin Blog Archive Great Expectation #4: You …There is a great book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., a psychologist at Yale, called Women Who Think [...]
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