Comments on: Great Expectation #4: You guys and his ex can all be best friends. Just try. http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/ Official Blog for the Author of Stepmonster Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:59:00 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: susan nolen hoeksema - StartTags.com http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-12751 susan nolen hoeksema - StartTags.com Wed, 03 Mar 2010 04:25:05 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-12751 [...] and caring approach, excellent study tools, and received much appreciation from instructors and ...Wednesday Martin Blog Archive Great Expectation #4: You ...There is a great book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., a psychologist at Yale, called Women Who Think [...] [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The comment's server IP (66.77.233.127) doesn't match the comment's URL host IP (74.52.116.226) and so is spam. [...] and caring approach, excellent study tools, and received much appreciation from instructors and …Wednesday Martin Blog Archive Great Expectation #4: You …There is a great book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., a psychologist at Yale, called Women Who Think [...]

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]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3623 admin Tue, 08 Sep 2009 23:57:28 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3623 Kela, Fascinating insights from you here; thank you so much. You remind me of the words of one of my favorite stepfamily coaches, Mary Kelly-Smith of marriedwithbaggage.com. She asked me, "When did we all collectively buy into the idea that it was our job to shield and protect our children from pain at all costs?" What she meant is what you suggest here: that there is pain in the world and in childhood--divorce, switching schools, feeling misunderstood by a friend, a bully in class, a nasty teacher. And that constantly contorting ourselves to try to counter this reality, or blunt it, doesn't necessarily help our children. It just delays the development of resilience, one of the most important qualities we can develop. Did everyone hear Kela's point about an intrusive or interfering ex? One who demands that your husband do chores at her house or join for holidays or take the kids whenever she wants, regardless of the schedule, and threatens that otherwise he can't see the kids, etc? Or the ex who simply wants more chumminess than you, woman partnered with a man with kids, feels comfortable with? Kela says "There is no room for a third person in your marriage and if you allow exes to constantly intervene, be it directly or indirectly, your marriage will suffer for it." Say it, Kela. And thanks again for reading and posting. Kela,
Fascinating insights from you here; thank you so much. You remind me of the words of one of my favorite stepfamily coaches, Mary Kelly-Smith of marriedwithbaggage.com. She asked me, “When did we all collectively buy into the idea that it was our job to shield and protect our children from pain at all costs?” What she meant is what you suggest here: that there is pain in the world and in childhood–divorce, switching schools, feeling misunderstood by a friend, a bully in class, a nasty teacher. And that constantly contorting ourselves to try to counter this reality, or blunt it, doesn’t necessarily help our children. It just delays the development of resilience, one of the most important qualities we can develop.

Did everyone hear Kela’s point about an intrusive or interfering ex? One who demands that your husband do chores at her house or join for holidays or take the kids whenever she wants, regardless of the schedule, and threatens that otherwise he can’t see the kids, etc? Or the ex who simply wants more chumminess than you, woman partnered with a man with kids, feels comfortable with? Kela says “There is no room for a third person in your marriage and if you allow exes to constantly intervene, be it directly or indirectly, your marriage will suffer for it.” Say it, Kela. And thanks again for reading and posting.

]]> By: Kela http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3616 Kela Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:02:53 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3616 I've written a few articles on this subject and some have disagreed, including stepmothers. Our society has conditioned us to believe that the ONLY way stepfamilies can co-exist is if we ALL love each other because this is what the kids need - NOT! The kids need you to communicate in a civil manner, be consistent with drop off and pick up and discipline and set rules and boundaries in order to give them guidance. There is no rule that says that we all have to be BFF's. As a matter of fact, my personal experience and research does indiciate that it can be quite confusing for the children. Not only does planning holidays, vacations and birthdays together take an enormous amount of energy, but it sends the wrong message to children. Instead of encouraging them to get used to the idea of mom and dad being apart, you are reinforcing their fantasy of mom and dad being back together and in the process, subliminally sending the message that stepmom is indeed in the way! I encourage all of my clients to be amicable, yes, and work together to co-parent effectively, but encourage your child to embrace this new concept of family as soon as you divorce. Yes, mom and dad love the child just as they did prior to the divorce, but the reality is that they are not together anymore and must encourage that child, by example, to accept someone new, even if neither has remarried yet. Continuing with old family traditions does not encourage chidlren of divorce to embrace change and their future families; it only teaches them to live in the past. Furthermore, relationships take an enormous amount of work, especially marriages. As such, if you are spending all of your time trying to fix your relationship with your ex or your husband's ex, then really, I mean really, how much time are you actually spending on your marriage? Remarried couples must learn to get their priorities straight and put the focus back on them, as a couple. Once you remarry your priorities as a remarried couple are no different than those of a married couple. The husband and wife are the kings of the castle, the pillars of strength for their families and the kids follow suit...period. There is no room for a third person in your marriage and if you allow exes to constantly intervene, be it directly or indirectly, your marriage will suffer for it. The sooner remarried couples adopt this way of thinking in their marriages, the better their stepfamilies will function and the better the kids will benefit as a result. Once again, wonderful post, Wednesday! *Kela* www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com I’ve written a few articles on this subject and some have disagreed, including stepmothers. Our society has conditioned us to believe that the ONLY way stepfamilies can co-exist is if we ALL love each other because this is what the kids need – NOT! The kids need you to communicate in a civil manner, be consistent with drop off and pick up and discipline and set rules and boundaries in order to give them guidance. There is no rule that says that we all have to be BFF’s. As a matter of fact, my personal experience and research does indiciate that it can be quite confusing for the children. Not only does planning holidays, vacations and birthdays together take an enormous amount of energy, but it sends the wrong message to children. Instead of encouraging them to get used to the idea of mom and dad being apart, you are reinforcing their fantasy of mom and dad being back together and in the process, subliminally sending the message that stepmom is indeed in the way!

I encourage all of my clients to be amicable, yes, and work together to co-parent effectively, but encourage your child to embrace this new concept of family as soon as you divorce. Yes, mom and dad love the child just as they did prior to the divorce, but the reality is that they are not together anymore and must encourage that child, by example, to accept someone new, even if neither has remarried yet. Continuing with old family traditions does not encourage chidlren of divorce to embrace change and their future families; it only teaches them to live in the past.

Furthermore, relationships take an enormous amount of work, especially marriages. As such, if you are spending all of your time trying to fix your relationship with your ex or your husband’s ex, then really, I mean really, how much time are you actually spending on your marriage? Remarried couples must learn to get their priorities straight and put the focus back on them, as a couple. Once you remarry your priorities as a remarried couple are no different than those of a married couple. The husband and wife are the kings of the castle, the pillars of strength for their families and the kids follow suit…period. There is no room for a third person in your marriage and if you allow exes to constantly intervene, be it directly or indirectly, your marriage will suffer for it. The sooner remarried couples adopt this way of thinking in their marriages, the better their stepfamilies will function and the better the kids will benefit as a result.

Once again, wonderful post, Wednesday!

*Kela*
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3200 admin Fri, 04 Sep 2009 23:20:57 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3200 Hello Orlinda, I think it was just sloppy grammar that I didn't capitalize ex. However, now that you point it out, I'm going to continue this way. When we write "Ex," you are so right, we are sort of elevating her to iconic status which demeans her and us as people. Thanks for the insight, and thanks for reading and commenting. Come back soon. best, wednesday Hello Orlinda,
I think it was just sloppy grammar that I didn’t capitalize ex. However, now that you point it out, I’m going to continue this way. When we write “Ex,” you are so right, we are sort of elevating her to iconic status which demeans her and us as people. Thanks for the insight, and thanks for reading and commenting. Come back soon.
best, wednesday

]]> By: Orlinda http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3151 Orlinda Thu, 03 Sep 2009 20:31:21 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3151 Wednesday, Thank you for not capitalizing "ex". If, as stepmoms, we are aiming to have healthy marriages without toxic interference from an ex (or our toxic thoughts of her), why do I see so many articles on line refer to "The Ex"?? The capitalization of this invented title communicates a level of prominence in our lives and marriages. Ladies, let's please reframe the conversation to talk about our husband's "ex" or better yet, our "stepkids' mom" or some variation of the latter. Wednesday,
Thank you for not capitalizing “ex”. If, as stepmoms, we are aiming to have healthy marriages without toxic interference from an ex (or our toxic thoughts of her), why do I see so many articles on line refer to “The Ex”?? The capitalization of this invented title communicates a level of prominence in our lives and marriages. Ladies, let’s please reframe the conversation to talk about our husband’s “ex” or better yet, our “stepkids’ mom” or some variation of the latter.

]]> By: Sally http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3138 Sally Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:05:21 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3138 Thanks again, Wednesday for raising the consciousness of stepmoms. I love your Great Expectations posts. The topics are so real and relevant and helpful to all the stepmoms who are reading them. I agree that some of the issues become easier as the stepkids get older. As you correctly remember from our conversations, I was able to bond with the wife of my ex at the wedding of my son and the relationship has continued. Actually it is fairly unconventional in that the relationship we have hasn't been shared with the rest of the family....my ex and my adult children. But when J (ex's wife ) comes to town, we usually meet for lunch....nobody else joins us and nobody else is told about it. No one in the family realizes that we are really friends now. They all think that we are just cordial and friendly at family events. In writing about this I am thinking that it's kind of weird but it would feel even weirder for me to do things as one big happy blended family. Thanks again, Wednesday for raising the consciousness of stepmoms. I love your Great Expectations posts. The topics are so real and relevant and helpful to all the stepmoms who are reading them. I agree that some of the issues become easier as the stepkids get older. As you correctly remember from our conversations, I was able to bond with the wife of my ex at the wedding of my son and the relationship has continued. Actually it is fairly unconventional in that the relationship we have hasn’t been shared with the rest of the family….my ex and my adult children. But when J (ex’s wife ) comes to town, we usually meet for lunch….nobody else joins us and nobody else is told about it. No one in the family realizes that we are really friends now. They all think that we are just cordial and friendly at family events. In writing about this I am thinking that it’s kind of weird but it would feel even weirder for me to do things as one big happy blended family.

]]> By: Mary Beth http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3135 Mary Beth Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:57:14 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3135 Wednesday, Thank you so much for you helpful and thoughtful reply. Mediation sounds like a wonderful RX! Best wishes to you. Mary Beth Wednesday,
Thank you so much for you helpful and thoughtful reply. Mediation sounds like a wonderful RX!
Best wishes to you.
Mary Beth

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3134 admin Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:23:27 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3134 Hi Mary Beth, It's so tough to be embroiled in a high-conflict situation with someone who sounds from your description to be very high-drama. The good news is that you are ahead of the game in realizing that you are ruminating. It's hard not to when a person in your life is behaving so outrageously, but knowing that this is going on in your head is a good step toward stopping or lessening it. There is a great book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., a psychologist at Yale, called Women Who Think Too Much--not about dealing with the ex, but about rumination. You might find it helpful. As to putting up with your husband's ex, the most important thing is that she not create a rift in your marriage. To that end, prioritizing and tending to your partnership is of the upmost importance. A regular date night is a big help according to many remarried couples I spoke to. So is you getting out on your own, without your husband or stepkids, to bitch to friends, have fun with them, relax, get out of the stressful home environment and rejuvenate yourself to prevent a common development when there is a conflictual ex in the picture, stepmaternal burnout. Finally, as a personal recommendation, I can tell you that meditation saved my nervous system in many a stressful situation like you describe. And remember that when stepkids get older, there are fewer pretexts for an ex-wife to contact her ex husband and his wife. Things may abate in a number of years, depending on how old the kids are (sounds far away, I know!) I hope others will have additional suggestions for you. Meanwhile you might check out the section of my book called "The Ex Factor." Good luck and please do keep us posted about what works and how you're doing. best, wednesday Hi Mary Beth,
It’s so tough to be embroiled in a high-conflict situation with someone who sounds from your description to be very high-drama. The good news is that you are ahead of the game in realizing that you are ruminating. It’s hard not to when a person in your life is behaving so outrageously, but knowing that this is going on in your head is a good step toward stopping or lessening it.

There is a great book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., a psychologist at Yale, called Women Who Think Too Much–not about dealing with the ex, but about rumination. You might find it helpful. As to putting up with your husband’s ex, the most important thing is that she not create a rift in your marriage. To that end, prioritizing and tending to your partnership is of the upmost importance. A regular date night is a big help according to many remarried couples I spoke to. So is you getting out on your own, without your husband or stepkids, to bitch to friends, have fun with them, relax, get out of the stressful home environment and rejuvenate yourself to prevent a common development when there is a conflictual ex in the picture, stepmaternal burnout.

Finally, as a personal recommendation, I can tell you that meditation saved my nervous system in many a stressful situation like you describe. And remember that when stepkids get older, there are fewer pretexts for an ex-wife to contact her ex husband and his wife. Things may abate in a number of years, depending on how old the kids are (sounds far away, I know!)

I hope others will have additional suggestions for you. Meanwhile you might check out the section of my book called “The Ex Factor.” Good luck and please do keep us posted about what works and how you’re doing. best, wednesday

]]> By: Mary Beth http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3132 Mary Beth Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:07:37 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3132 Hello All, I am having a difficult time dealing with an extremely challenging ex-wife/bio Mom. She is stunningly cruel and disrespectful toward us. She sends us horrible emails with all sorts of untrue and wild accusations. She also meddles in our parenting in an effort to turn my stepdaugther against us. In short, she is a nightmare (and I can't believe I am saying this b/c I had naively believed that I would have a pleasant and cordial relationship with her). My husband and I do not "retaliate" with disrespectful behavior and we have, on several occasions, asked her to join us in therapy sessions so that we can learn how to better communicate and co-parent. She refuses. With this said, I have come to understand that I cannot change her behavior but I can change how I respond to it. Unfortunately, lately I am doing an awful job and I am allowing this behavior to occupy my consciousness much more than it should (ruminating thoughts, etc.). I don't want this woman's cruelty to permeate my family. I am wondering if you have any advice that is geared towards this very situation (or if you can point me to the right place for some thoughtful guidance/support)? Thank you very much. Thank you very much! Hello All,
I am having a difficult time dealing with an extremely challenging ex-wife/bio Mom. She is stunningly cruel and disrespectful toward us. She sends us horrible emails with all sorts of untrue and wild accusations. She also meddles in our parenting in an effort to turn my stepdaugther against us. In short, she is a nightmare (and I can’t believe I am saying this b/c I had naively believed that I would have a pleasant and cordial relationship with her). My husband and I do not “retaliate” with disrespectful behavior and we have, on several occasions, asked her to join us in therapy sessions so that we can learn how to better communicate and co-parent. She refuses. With this said, I have come to understand that I cannot change her behavior but I can change how I respond to it. Unfortunately, lately I am doing an awful job and I am allowing this behavior to occupy my consciousness much more than it should (ruminating thoughts, etc.). I don’t want this woman’s cruelty to permeate my family. I am wondering if you have any advice that is geared towards this very situation (or if you can point me to the right place for some thoughtful guidance/support)? Thank you very much.

Thank you very much!

]]> By: Peggy http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectation-4-you-guys-and-his-ex-can-all-be-best-friends-just-try/comment-page-1/#comment-3103 Peggy Wed, 02 Sep 2009 11:06:39 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=422#comment-3103 Wednesday - Sally gives me hope! I don't know if I'll bond with my ex-husband's wife, but maybe I can balance out my left side a bit more ;-) My oldest daughter gets married Oct 17... And I agree and advocate that the number one relationship to focus on is the marriage relationship. One sister stepmom that I'm working with has connected the dots and realized that the issues she's experiencing in her remarried family are a symptom of issues in the marriage. So...she's focusing on her marriage, making marriage deposits, and she's become a "student" of John Gottman. (I so love that you included his research in your book - and I just really hope more stepmoms pay attention to that section - it's SO important!) xxoo Wednesday – Sally gives me hope! I don’t know if I’ll bond with my ex-husband’s wife, but maybe I can balance out my left side a bit more ;-) My oldest daughter gets married Oct 17…

And I agree and advocate that the number one relationship to focus on is the marriage relationship. One sister stepmom that I’m working with has connected the dots and realized that the issues she’s experiencing in her remarried family are a symptom of issues in the marriage. So…she’s focusing on her marriage, making marriage deposits, and she’s become a “student” of John Gottman. (I so love that you included his research in your book – and I just really hope more stepmoms pay attention to that section – it’s SO important!)

xxoo

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