Great Expectations: “Don’t Take It Personally!”
In my last post I considered just how unrealistic the expectation that women married to men with kids will be able to win those kids over with warmth, kindness, and good intentions alone is.
The second great expectation is just as lopsided and fantastical, and perhaps even harder to disabuse people of, since it seems, on the face of it, so perfectly reasonable. If you are married to or partnered with a man with kids, you have heard it over and over. Perhaps, before your own parternship, you even said it (or at least thought it) yourself of a woman struggling with her stepkids:
“It’s hard for his kids. So DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY when they (fill in the blank: ignore you; disrespect or fail to acknowledge you in your own home; mock you; attempt to “split the stepmother/father team”; pass along nasty messages from their mother; lie to their mother or father about something you have done or said to make you look bad; don’t invite you to their wedding or graduation; exclude you from conversations every visit by focusing entirely on events in the past before you came into the picture, etc.)
Too often when you’re a woman with stepkids of any age, “Don’t take it personally” has morphed from a comforting, “It’s-not-your-fault-and-they’re-mad-at-the-situation-not-at-you” bit of pablum into a more judgmental admonition: “If YOU have any feelings about this, stepmom, keep them to yourself.” It is, in fact, hard for his kids. And for him. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard (harder, in fact; though this isn’t a competition, the research says what it says) for the woman married to or partnered with the man with kids.
Indeed, there is a large body of research–starting with feminist social psychologists in the 60s and 70s, extending to the work of human behavioral ecologists, anthropologists, and sociologists today–demonstrating that women are more social and affiliative, that we place a higher value on successful relationships than men do. That means we are virtually primed, whether by nature, culture, or both, to take it profoundly personally–to become anxious, resentful, and even clinically depressed–when relations with his kids don’t go well. And when relations with his kids split us from him, creating tension, unhappiness, and a sense of failure.
In spite of the fact that women derive so much of our self-esteem from successful relationships–and suffer so intensely when we cannot bring them about–for too long, focusing on the perspective and experiences of the kids, something that has given us a great deal of knowledge, has occluded the entire notion of focusing on the stepmother herself, making it somehow unseemly, the height of bad manners and bad morals, to care about how we ourselves are feeling and adjusting. And so “Don’t take it personally,” every woman with stepchildren who has ever heard it will vouch, can also mean “Don’t tell me about it” or “What you’re going through doesn’t matter. Other people do.” Deviate from this script and you may well be considered a stepmonster, or pathological.
“Don’t take it personally” feels like a profoundly unsympathetic bit of advice because it is. In fact, it is actually an obligation, one more incredibly difficult feat we are supposed to be able to achieve graciously and effortlessly. And we’re judged, often harshly, if we aren’t able to pull off this trick of caring least about ourselves with no complaints.
“Why are you taking it so personally?” one woman reported being asked by her therapist when she talked about her stepson stealing money from her wallet and her husband’s response that she was overreacting. Because it made her feel like less of a person to be treated badly by her husband and her child, is a good guess. The fact that stepfamily dynamics are typically bruising to the stepmother is too often viewed, by experts and our entire society, as “proof” that she should not have any responses to it, and that she is “the problem” if she does.
What does it take, by the way, to not take it personally? A lot. It would be interesting to document how many stress hormones are produced in a single of episode of not taking a stepchild’s hostile acts or pointed dislike of us to heart. Even more interesting would be coming up with a measure for the difficulty of dealing with that hostility and dislike for a protracted period of time, as the literature shows us so many women with stepkids do. Parenting is stressful. Stepparenting is more so. And stepmothering is the most stressful endeavor of all. “To be considered adequate,” stepfamily researcher Lucille Duberman wrote several decades ago, “a stepmother must be extraordinary.”
“Don’t take it personally” is as flippant and insipid as advice to stepmothers gets. It presumes that stepmothering is easy, and that none of the insults are “real,” because it presumes that a stepmother’s feelings and adjustment matter less. Not taking it personally in the normal rough and tumble of steprelations would require the patience of Mother Teresa. But for woman with stepkids, the expectation goes, it’s all in a day’s work.
Rather than “not taking it personally,” we might insist that loyalty binds, hostility, and rejection be put out on the table and examined as a sign that something is wrong in the entire stepfamily system, rather than the stepmother’s head.
Tags: adult stepchildren, Constance Ahrons, James Bray, loyalty binds, Mavis Hetherington, stepchildren and hostility, stepchildren and rejection, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother adjustment, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren
August 18th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I was showing my fiance your blog and we stumbled upon your latest post. We had just been talking about my feelings when a friend “kindly” admonished me that I am overreacting and implied that if I understood child development, I would not be feeling the way I do. We learned quickly that we need to protect our brand new stepfamily from outside judgement. I think it’s a bit like dating — you need to keep the energy between your partner and yourself instead of diluting it by telling unnecessary people about what is going on. Humor has also helped us, I mean, sometimes you just have to laugh about it! Our latest joke is that we’ll send people who don’t get it a copy of your book for their next birthday present!
August 19th, 2009 at 9:01 am
What I love about reading your blog posts, and I’m sure many other women feel the same, is that sense of validation it gives. That I am not in fact crazy, or being overly sensitive. That there really are issues there that most people just don’t get.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Dead on, I love reading your posts they make me feel like I am not alone and have a valid reason to feel the way I feel.
I know I am not crazy but sometimes I start to wonder, some of my realtionships with freinds are strained for this exact reason. They throw out these statements thinking they are “helping” when in fact they only make me feel like my opinions, thoughts and feelings matter less.
I love the idea of sending this book to people who just do not get it, my Christmas shoipping list might be a little bit easier this year! Thanks for the great post.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:48 am
The Mother Teresa line totally resonated with me! Sometimes — especially when the kids were younger — it felt like being the way people expected me to be would have meant being the Buddha and Mother Teresa rolled into one. AND not really existing as a person — as anything other than an enlightened being.
August 19th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I really needed this today, Thank you so much. I’m a relatively new stepmom with very young stepkids and until recently I’ve been pushing all these new, crazy, up & down feelings aside but your blog has been a very bright light to the very dark places I have pushed these emotions. I’ve worked with children since I was a young teenager and never have I felt the sting of a childs words until now. Their father is truly amazing and is always trying to get me to talk about what’s going on in my head & how I feel but I truly suck at it and just say “ohh it doesn’t matter…” but thanks to you, Jacquelyn Fletcher & Izzy Rose…I’ve come to see they do matter, I matter and I need to learn to talk it out. I just got the book and I can’t wait to finish it. I just want to say THANK YOU!!!! to you and all the other stepmom’s who are blogging and commenting, it’s just such a liberating feeling to know I’m not crazy, nor am I alone in all this. Thanks guys
August 19th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Hi Eri,
How great that you and your partner have a commitment to protecting yourselves from those I call ignorant outsiders. It’s true that so many people are sure they know so well what you should do and feel. Great too, that you have a sense of humor about it. Support from your partner and feeling you are a team makes all things possible! Thanks for reading, xx wednesday
August 19th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Dear Heather,
I sent your comment along to Izzy and Jacque, who were both delighted to hear that reading about stepmother reality in our books is helping you. Thanks for reading and and commenting–come back soon. xx wednesday
August 19th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Dear Kimi, Life of a Stepmamma, and Jill
Isn’t it amazing what people say and expect sometimes? I think I’m going to do a post soon called, “Your friend who’s a stepmother wants you to read this” and then give them the facts…!
August 21st, 2009 at 9:54 am
My husband is the one most likely to say those awful words “you can’t take this personally”, and doesn’t understand when I ask him to put himself in my shoes. Thank you for making sure I don’t feel wicked, evil or even abby-normal as a stepmom who DOES take things personally (and then feels guilty and horrible about myself for having done so, to boot!). Your blog, like your book, resonate with my experiences — which makes me really happy your book doesn’t have an “unhappy” ending!
August 21st, 2009 at 10:10 am
Hi Julie,
I was just considering writing a post about “Happy Enough” endings and “good enough” stepmothers. Thanks for the reminder.
“You can’t take this personally”–there just has to be a better way for him to say that! I have sort of trained my husband to take a deep breath and tell me, “I want to help you here. What can we do to get through this?” whenever we have these tense moments. I used to get a lot of “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sensitive about this?” etc. which just got us nowhere. Also for some reason by now, even during the arguments about stepissues, we are able to crack jokes! It only took a decade…! Hang in there and keep me posted. Thanks for reading.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Yippee, I was just having a bad day, and checked in here and found wednesday had written in her blog!!!
What I want to know is, out of all of the stepmothers in the world–and we are legion–many of whom knew these essential truths by instinct, what was it that gave Wednesday Martin the intellectual and emotional strength–it’s a sort of trailblazing leadership, really–to pull all of this research and her own wisdom together to develop a new paradigm for viewing stepmotherhood and women who are stepmothers?
Bravo, sister!
August 21st, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Aw, I’m blushing! Thanks for your kind words and thanks for reading. It was easy to write about how we haven’t yet considered how remarriage with children affects the woman who becomes our stepmother–because we haven’t. But thanks for your enthusiasm about the book. Come back soon! xx wednesday
August 25th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Last night my fiancee said the dreaded “don’t take it personally” words. I got upset and he didn’t understand why. Before I read your post, I’m not sure i would have known why I was upset. I would have gone to our room and cried (which I did indulge in briefly), missed bedtime, and we would have ended up in a fight because I wouldn’t know how to express what I was feeling. Instead, I was able to understand this is a natural feeling, be with the family, and later email him (because sometimes its easier than face to face divulging) to articulate why it upset me and what I needed from him. He read it, hugged me and told me he understood.
So, thank you so much…you’ve helped this little family tremendously!
August 25th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Oh Gina,
I’m so glad to hear that the post actually helped someone in a concrete way. Thank you so much for letting me know. And your fiance sounds like a winner–he heard you out and could listen and act without being defensive when you talked to him about the challenges of dealing with his kids. What a great sign for the future. Please keep in touch…xx wednesday
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:35 am
Finding your blog (and ordering your book) has been a godsend to me. I am in a committed relationship with a man w/ 2 preteen children who I believe to be good kids and for the most part things are usually good, but this is my first time in this role and I have found myself a “stranger in my own home,” encountering mute glances or even no glances -much less any greetings- as I walk into my home at the end of a work day, moments where I am told by their Father that they want to go shopping with him (between the lines is a BIG ‘ONLY’); one sided conversations, all of which were leaving me to feel resentful, angry, hurt, and depressed. The actions have not been overly dramatic, moreover subtle, but none the less it builds up and eats at me. Which just made your words all the more important, significant, and oh, so soothing to my dinged up spirit. I have brought your blog to the attention of my boyfriend and email him significant pieces that I think speak to our circumstances. He is open and we do communicate about the kids and work through problems that arise. I have two grown daughters in their mid to late 20’s and his children and mine are very fond of each other and that helps a lot. I have been able to let go of most of my fear and frustration since finding your blog. Your philosophy makes so much sense and I now redirect my energy and focus elsewhere and don’t worry so much about his kids and how we’re all going to “blend.” We’re not smoothies! Thank you!
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:29 am
Hi Alice,
Let’s be truthful here: it stinks to be the stuck outsider in the stepfamily architecture. But it helps sometimes to know how common this stepmother reality is, and that you are not crazy or petty to resent and be hurt by feeling like a stranger in your own home.
You already know, from raising two girls of your own, that the pre-teen and early-teen years are extremely difficult on a parent. Even more so on a stepparent, who hasn’t built the groundwork that can make us a little more tolerant and resilient. I am so glad to hear that you and your partner can discuss these feelings you have. Please remember to keep the focus on the two of you; you must, since repartnerings with children are so remarkably vulnerable to dissolution from all the stressors, including preteen kids! I hope your partner will read the section of my book called “Your Marriage” (most stepfamilies are NOT formed through marriage but through co-habiting, and that whole chapter applies to you whether you are married or not). Thanks for reading and do keep me posted. best, wednesday