Comments on: Great Expectations: “Don’t Take It Personally!”

By: admin

admin — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:29:10 +0000

Hi Alice,
Let’s be truthful here: it stinks to be the stuck outsider in the stepfamily architecture. But it helps sometimes to know how common this stepmother reality is, and that you are not crazy or petty to resent and be hurt by feeling like a stranger in your own home.

You already know, from raising two girls of your own, that the pre-teen and early-teen years are extremely difficult on a parent. Even more so on a stepparent, who hasn’t built the groundwork that can make us a little more tolerant and resilient. I am so glad to hear that you and your partner can discuss these feelings you have. Please remember to keep the focus on the two of you; you must, since repartnerings with children are so remarkably vulnerable to dissolution from all the stressors, including preteen kids! I hope your partner will read the section of my book called “Your Marriage” (most stepfamilies are NOT formed through marriage but through co-habiting, and that whole chapter applies to you whether you are married or not). Thanks for reading and do keep me posted. best, wednesday

By: Alice

Alice — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:35:29 +0000

Finding your blog (and ordering your book) has been a godsend to me. I am in a committed relationship with a man w/ 2 preteen children who I believe to be good kids and for the most part things are usually good, but this is my first time in this role and I have found myself a “stranger in my own home,” encountering mute glances or even no glances -much less any greetings- as I walk into my home at the end of a work day, moments where I am told by their Father that they want to go shopping with him (between the lines is a BIG ‘ONLY’); one sided conversations, all of which were leaving me to feel resentful, angry, hurt, and depressed. The actions have not been overly dramatic, moreover subtle, but none the less it builds up and eats at me. Which just made your words all the more important, significant, and oh, so soothing to my dinged up spirit. I have brought your blog to the attention of my boyfriend and email him significant pieces that I think speak to our circumstances. He is open and we do communicate about the kids and work through problems that arise. I have two grown daughters in their mid to late 20’s and his children and mine are very fond of each other and that helps a lot. I have been able to let go of most of my fear and frustration since finding your blog. Your philosophy makes so much sense and I now redirect my energy and focus elsewhere and don’t worry so much about his kids and how we’re all going to “blend.” We’re not smoothies! Thank you!

By: admin

admin — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 02:00:23 +0000

Oh Gina,
I’m so glad to hear that the post actually helped someone in a concrete way. Thank you so much for letting me know. And your fiance sounds like a winner–he heard you out and could listen and act without being defensive when you talked to him about the challenges of dealing with his kids. What a great sign for the future. Please keep in touch…xx wednesday

By: Gina

Gina — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:43:00 +0000

Last night my fiancee said the dreaded “don’t take it personally” words. I got upset and he didn’t understand why. Before I read your post, I’m not sure i would have known why I was upset. I would have gone to our room and cried (which I did indulge in briefly), missed bedtime, and we would have ended up in a fight because I wouldn’t know how to express what I was feeling. Instead, I was able to understand this is a natural feeling, be with the family, and later email him (because sometimes its easier than face to face divulging) to articulate why it upset me and what I needed from him. He read it, hugged me and told me he understood.
So, thank you so much…you’ve helped this little family tremendously!

By: admin

admin — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 01:47:04 +0000

Aw, I’m blushing! Thanks for your kind words and thanks for reading. It was easy to write about how we haven’t yet considered how remarriage with children affects the woman who becomes our stepmother–because we haven’t. But thanks for your enthusiasm about the book. Come back soon! xx wednesday

By: Kathy

Kathy — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 21:39:04 +0000

Yippee, I was just having a bad day, and checked in here and found wednesday had written in her blog!!!

What I want to know is, out of all of the stepmothers in the world–and we are legion–many of whom knew these essential truths by instinct, what was it that gave Wednesday Martin the intellectual and emotional strength–it’s a sort of trailblazing leadership, really–to pull all of this research and her own wisdom together to develop a new paradigm for viewing stepmotherhood and women who are stepmothers?

Bravo, sister!

By: admin

admin — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:10:56 +0000

Hi Julie,
I was just considering writing a post about “Happy Enough” endings and “good enough” stepmothers. Thanks for the reminder.

“You can’t take this personally”–there just has to be a better way for him to say that! I have sort of trained my husband to take a deep breath and tell me, “I want to help you here. What can we do to get through this?” whenever we have these tense moments. I used to get a lot of “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sensitive about this?” etc. which just got us nowhere. Also for some reason by now, even during the arguments about stepissues, we are able to crack jokes! It only took a decade…! Hang in there and keep me posted. Thanks for reading.

By: Julie

Julie — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 14:54:58 +0000

My husband is the one most likely to say those awful words “you can’t take this personally”, and doesn’t understand when I ask him to put himself in my shoes. Thank you for making sure I don’t feel wicked, evil or even abby-normal as a stepmom who DOES take things personally (and then feels guilty and horrible about myself for having done so, to boot!). Your blog, like your book, resonate with my experiences — which makes me really happy your book doesn’t have an “unhappy” ending!

By: admin

admin — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 02:08:17 +0000

Dear Kimi, Life of a Stepmamma, and Jill

Isn’t it amazing what people say and expect sometimes? I think I’m going to do a post soon called, “Your friend who’s a stepmother wants you to read this” and then give them the facts…!

By: admin

admin — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 02:04:32 +0000

Dear Heather,
I sent your comment along to Izzy and Jacque, who were both delighted to hear that reading about stepmother reality in our books is helping you. Thanks for reading and and commenting–come back soon. xx wednesday