Comments on: Great Expectations: Time to Get Real about What Stepmothers Can Accomplish http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/ Official Blog for the Author of Stepmonster Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:59:00 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Cheryl http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-20537 Cheryl Mon, 13 Dec 2010 18:17:12 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-20537 I have been involved with my husband's family for 30 years. 20 of which we have been married. His ex left him and the children. He had to raise his 3 kids, ages 15( boy) 10 (girl) and 5(girl). He had no help except hired (kids never listened to them). I waited to marry him when the youngest was in high school (the others were gone) I too lavished attention and love on his kids. The boy basically did his own thing and was pleasant. The girls- another story. Even though the mom abandoned them, she still interfered with phone calls telling them they didn't have to listen to their dad and not to let me . She was pretty effective. When they would visit our home (the youngest has since married and has a child), they are not respectful of the house or rules of the house. My husband does not want to cause problems with them,so he doesn't back me . His guilt and need to be loved by his kids is stronger than any loyalty to me- even though I am the one living with him 24/7. I am not sure I understand the devotion to a mother who has abandoned them and is not exactly an upstanding citizen. She has stolen money and many things from their home (of course they don't know about that). My husband has had to bring charges against her- however - he never says anything bad about her- even when her behavior has caused so much pain and havoc. To make matters worse, my step son just died a few months ago so when the girls come over - it is awful. My youngest step daughter is moody and rude (to her husband, her dad and me). I realize she is in pain but the comment will always be- she is hurting - let her be. She has been nasty for years. When she (and her sister) visit- it is extremely uncomfortable for me. I am not sure what to do . My husband is not able to do anything and I feel helpless. I have been involved with my husband’s family for 30 years. 20 of which we have been married. His ex left him and the children. He had to raise his 3 kids, ages 15( boy) 10 (girl) and 5(girl). He had no help except hired (kids never listened to them). I waited to marry him when the youngest was in high school (the others were gone) I too lavished attention and love on his kids. The boy basically did his own thing and was pleasant. The girls- another story. Even though the mom abandoned them, she still interfered with phone calls telling them they didn’t have to listen to their dad and not to let me . She was pretty effective. When they would visit our home (the youngest has since married and has a child), they are not respectful of the house or rules of the house. My husband does not want to cause problems with them,so he doesn’t back me . His guilt and need to be loved by his kids is stronger than any loyalty to me- even though I am the one living with him 24/7. I am not sure I understand the devotion to a mother who has abandoned them and is not exactly an upstanding citizen. She has stolen money and many things from their home (of course they don’t know about that). My husband has had to bring charges against her- however – he never says anything bad about her- even when her behavior has caused so much pain and havoc.
To make matters worse, my step son just died a few months ago so when the girls come over – it is awful. My youngest step daughter is moody and rude (to her husband, her dad and me). I realize she is in pain but the comment will always be- she is hurting – let her be.
She has been nasty for years. When she (and her sister) visit- it is extremely uncomfortable for me. I am not sure what to do . My husband is not able to do anything and I feel helpless.

]]> By: Warning signs for stepmothers « Stepmum Of The Year http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-19993 Warning signs for stepmothers « Stepmum Of The Year Fri, 24 Sep 2010 14:00:25 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-19993 [...] Wednesday Martin says in Stepmonster, this is a nothing but a cop-out. He wants his kids to benefit from better [...] [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The comment's server IP (72.233.69.20) doesn't match the comment's URL host IP (72.233.2.58) and so is spam. [...] Wednesday Martin says in Stepmonster, this is a nothing but a cop-out. He wants his kids to benefit from better [...]

[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The comment’s server IP (72.233.69.20) doesn’t match the comment’s URL host IP (72.233.2.58) and so is spam.

]]> By: Wednesday Martin l Stepmonster l Thinking about step mothers — The Grown Up Child http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-3148 Wednesday Martin l Stepmonster l Thinking about step mothers — The Grown Up Child Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:13:23 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-3148 [...] Read the rest…here [...] [...] Read the rest…here [...]

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-1537 admin Tue, 18 Aug 2009 19:04:19 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-1537 Hi Wicked S, "The less you put in, the less you'll get back"? Simply not true if she's in a loyalty bind, period. And even if she's not in a loyalty bind, stepkids do NOT always or even usually give back what they get in terms of affection, especially at her age (according to those longitudinal studies by Bray, Hetherington, and Ahrons), and there is NO rule saying that lavishing love and attention now is money in the bank for later. In fact, it's a recipe for resentment. There's only so much a person can take, as you say. But there's only so much a woman with stepkids should be expected to give, and I hope your husband comes to understand that. Come back soon, xx wednesday Hi Wicked S,

“The less you put in, the less you’ll get back”? Simply not true if she’s in a loyalty bind, period. And even if she’s not in a loyalty bind, stepkids do NOT always or even usually give back what they get in terms of affection, especially at her age (according to those longitudinal studies by Bray, Hetherington, and Ahrons), and there is NO rule saying that lavishing love and attention now is money in the bank for later. In fact, it’s a recipe for resentment.

There’s only so much a person can take, as you say. But there’s only so much a woman with stepkids should be expected to give, and I hope your husband comes to understand that. Come back soon, xx wednesday

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-1535 admin Tue, 18 Aug 2009 19:00:23 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-1535 Eri, Your guy is clearly a keeper. Most men are NOT where he is for many years, I suspect. Nice that he knows how to take some of the pressure off you so that you feel less resentment. Keep me posted, and thanks for reading... xx w Eri,
Your guy is clearly a keeper. Most men are NOT where he is for many years, I suspect. Nice that he knows how to take some of the pressure off you so that you feel less resentment. Keep me posted, and thanks for reading…
xx w

]]> By: WickedSteppie http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-1513 WickedSteppie Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:56:12 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-1513 I do wish my partner would get his head around some of this sometimes. I have a step-daughter who is in a loyalty bind, and there's a fair share of permissive parenting as well, though I'm pleased to say he's knocked a lot of that on the head. He gets very upset with me when I've had a tough time and I cut off a bit, and he says that the less I put in the less I'll get out. That may be true to some extent, but there also comes a point where it's silly to keep bleeding yourself dry on a lost cause. Go focus on something else for a while and try again when you've recovered some strength and resilience. There's only so much a person can take. I do wish my partner would get his head around some of this sometimes. I have a step-daughter who is in a loyalty bind, and there’s a fair share of permissive parenting as well, though I’m pleased to say he’s knocked a lot of that on the head. He gets very upset with me when I’ve had a tough time and I cut off a bit, and he says that the less I put in the less I’ll get out. That may be true to some extent, but there also comes a point where it’s silly to keep bleeding yourself dry on a lost cause. Go focus on something else for a while and try again when you’ve recovered some strength and resilience. There’s only so much a person can take.

]]> By: Eri http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-1408 Eri Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:26:44 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-1408 So true, so true, so true! Last night a huge burden lifted off my shoulder when my fiance pointed out that right now, I don't like his daughter, who has been acting out against me, and that it's OK for me to feel that way and that he supports me fully. It's incredible how much we censor ourselves as women and try to suppress the "dark" feelings. But now that I finally admitted it, that yes, I don't like her right now -- boy, does it feel good. After three years of reaching out, I was burning out and needed to give myself permission to not be perfect. The funniest thing is that all this time, I couldn't even admit to myself how hard I was trying because I wasn't going to be the woman who gives 200% and then be rejected. We have a long way to go but thank you for having this forum! So true, so true, so true! Last night a huge burden lifted off my shoulder when my fiance pointed out that right now, I don’t like his daughter, who has been acting out against me, and that it’s OK for me to feel that way and that he supports me fully. It’s incredible how much we censor ourselves as women and try to suppress the “dark” feelings. But now that I finally admitted it, that yes, I don’t like her right now — boy, does it feel good. After three years of reaching out, I was burning out and needed to give myself permission to not be perfect. The funniest thing is that all this time, I couldn’t even admit to myself how hard I was trying because I wasn’t going to be the woman who gives 200% and then be rejected. We have a long way to go but thank you for having this forum!

]]> By: Kimi http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-1247 Kimi Sat, 15 Aug 2009 19:38:05 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-1247 Very well said. I am quickly falling in love with your blog. I just want to comment "Amen" to each of your posts :) Very well said. I am quickly falling in love with your blog. I just want to comment “Amen” to each of your posts :)

]]> By: Issues Surrounding Children And Divorce | Online Dating Advice http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-1234 Issues Surrounding Children And Divorce | Online Dating Advice Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:04:51 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-1234 [...] Wednesday Martin» Blog Archive » Great Expectations: Time to Get … [...] [...] Wednesday Martin» Blog Archive » Great Expectations: Time to Get … [...]

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/great-expectations-time-to-get-real-about-what-stepmothers-can-accomplish/comment-page-1/#comment-1214 admin Sat, 15 Aug 2009 15:22:58 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=420#comment-1214 Kathy, So glad to have you here reading and commenting. I absolutely love the analogy of "running for office" with the partner's kids. What that really captures is the sense of pressure, exhaustion, and real depletion women can feel as their home comes to feel like most protracted, and sometimes most high-stakes of all campaign trails. Come back soon, wednesday Kathy,
So glad to have you here reading and commenting. I absolutely love the analogy of “running for office” with the partner’s kids. What that really captures is the sense of pressure, exhaustion, and real depletion women can feel as their home comes to feel like most protracted, and sometimes most high-stakes of all campaign trails.

Come back soon,
wednesday

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