Presumed Guilty
Recently, after getting some great national publicity–and some notably nasty blowback from a few adult stepchildren and women whose husbands had divorced them and then remarried–I was trying to figure out why our society’s suspicion of and anger toward women with stepkids runs so deep.
Of course there’s the cultural script to thank–those centuries of fairy tales that paved the way for so much fear, bias and misunderstanding about who stepmothers really are. And don’t forget the Wicked One’s Other face–the Stepmartyr, who is supposed to be all loving and all maternal every second of every day, who doesn’t mind subsuming her own needs and agendas to those of kids who resent and often mistreat her, and who will wait, patiently and forever, for the stepkids to decide she is actually okay after all, before closing shop emotionally in order to preserve her dignity. Fail to be a Stepmartyr, it seems, and you’re automatically the devil.
But what I really couldn’t figure out was the anger, the incredible rage elicited by the simple assertion that understanding stepmothers is a necessary piece of the puzzle, that the stepmother’s happiness and healthy adjustment matter as much as anyone else’s, that supporting stepmothers and having compassion for them, rather than simply lecturing to and judging them, will not just help stepmothers, but will keep entire stepfamilies healthier and on track.
“Who cares about what you feel?!” one person wrote. “Grow up!” another demanded. “He has kids and they’re supposed to come first. Shut up about the stepmother already!” My favorite: “Maybe when your own kids become teen agers and hate you you’ll understand us ex-wives better!”
Where was all this coming from?
Then it hit me: rage at stepmothers comes from a presumption of guilt. Forget about our legal system’s main and most democratic protection–the presumption of innocence. It doesn’t apply to stepfamilies and it especially doesn’t apply to stepmothers. It seems to be a common assumption that virtually every woman with stepchildren is also a homewrecker. And so, this thinking goes, having ruined a marriage and a family, she has no right to think of herself, her own feelings, her own situation, at all. Now that she destroyed a family, caring about herself one iota or asserting that she will not be mistreated in her own home is akin to an outrage: she must sacrifice herself at the altar of His Kids and take whatever his ex and the world dishes out because of What She Has Done.
Now I get the rage. But let’s move on to the research, and the facts.
In her article, “Stepmothers: Why So Much Stress?” a thorough and brilliant review of the sociological literature on stepmothering, Dr. Linda Nielsen of Wake Forest University explodes some of our society’s most entrenched myths about divorce and remarriage. First, Nielsen points out, women initiate divorces almost 85% of the time. Sure, divorced dads have initiated the proceedings some times. But not very often. To the response that, “She probably had no choice, because he cheated,” Nielsen points out that women are almost as likely to cheat as men. So the blanket presumption that, if the marriage fell apart because of infidelity, it was Him who stepped out is wrong half the time. Finally, Nielsen and other researchers have found, men only leave their wives for the woman they cheated with less than 15% of the time.
There’s no arguing with the fact that it could be utterly devastating to have a spouse who cheated on you and then left you and your kids high and dry, moving on to another relationship and essentially forgetting about you and the kids. Those of us who haven’t been there can’t even imagine the pain.
As for the woman with stepkids, presuming that she caused that unimaginable pain is usually, it turns out, a losing gamble.
Let’s say, however, that her husband did in fact leave his wife for her. Does that make stepmom the villain, or merely a lightning rod for anger at dad, who made the choice himself? And when a marriage dissolves due to the male partner’s infidelity, is that the deepest root of the problem? I’m not blaming the person who was cheated on here but rather asking, was his cheating the symptom of deeper problems in the couple dyad? Many couples therapist would tell us the answer is yes. It does not necessarily make any more sense to judge the Other Woman than it does to judge the One He Left. However his marriage feel apart, whatever the circumstances, and whenever she started sleeping with him, the woman with stepkids still needs compassion and support if the entire stepfamily is to have a fighting chance.
The presumption of guilt fuels attitudes that undermine not only couples, but children’s happiness and adjustment as well. When we punish women with stepchildren for what we suspect they may have done, the fate of entire families hangs in the balance.
Tags: divorce, Dr. Linda Nielsen, infidelity, remarriage with children, stepchildren, stepfamily, stepmonster, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren
August 7th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I think there are other factors, too. I think for all the mommies at the kids’ schools stepmoms also represent one of their huge fears — what they would have to live with if they got divorced! School mommies can be really cold to stepmoms. I think stepmoms are often the icon or the personification of divorce — they are the lightning rod for the fear, the discomfort, the insecurity, the judgment, and sometimes the rage about divorce.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Great post. I listened to you on NPR and read the comments afterward. I thought your interview went great and I have read your book so I am a fan of yours. I couldn’t believe some of the comments, I laugh at how fast people judge or make assumptions when some of them have never been in the situation themselves. Now I admit I never had a clue how hard being a stepmom would be, however I didn’t judge other stepmoms. Until you have been in this situation there is no way you could, that is why I sought out advice from other stepmothers, I couldn’t find that support from my family or friends. None of them could understand and have openly admitted they couldn’t help me or support me the way I needed.
I am so thankful for your book, I have made about 100 notes and have marked several of the pages. Its something I have used to have several conversations with my BF about our situation and I really enjoyed reading the chapter about understanding the husband. So true! That really helped me a lot.
Thank you so much for being a stepmother role model, thank you for being our voice! I really hope someday people’s naive views of stepmothers can become more realistic and positive. Have a great weekend!!
August 7th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Hi Jill,
What a great point. So many women I interview basically say the same thing: “I didn’t even meet him until x years after his divorce, but whenever I meet people and say I’m his second wife I can tell they think I’m a homewrecker, a bimbo, you name it.” Women also describe lots of dirty looks at school drop-off, and feeling judged by teachers and mostly other moms. I so agree that we’re threatening to some because we represent the fact that marriages don’t always last, and partners can become ex partners who repartner! Thanks for reading…
August 7th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Life of a stepmama:
Thanks for both of your very thoughtful and thought-provoking posts. I agree that much more needs to be learned and written about situations like yours in which it’s non-marital childbearing that makes the woman a stepmom. We really don’t have a good enough sense of all the ways women become stepmothers, let alone the rest of stepmother reality.
I’m so glad Stepmonster is giving you a feeling of being understood. I’ve been in that position of feeling like even my friends just don’t “get it,” by the way. Thanks for reading the book and the blog. Come back soon.
August 8th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Fantastic post as always.
It is so true that we are often presumed guilty simply by virtue of the role we are in. Is it any wonder that stepmothers feel they have to work twice as hard just to show everyone that we really are nice normal people!
I’ve reviewed your book on my blog, by the way. “Stepmonster” kicks serious ass, there is no other way to put it!
http://wickedsteppiesconfessions.blogspot.com/2009/08/wednesday-martin-i-salute-you.html
August 8th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
WickedSteppie,
Thank you so much for reading stepmonster and reviewing it. I am delighted that the book is making the rounds and that women like you are getting the word out about it. More than that, I’m glad it is helping you feel understood. “Stepmonster kicks serious ass” is perhaps my favorite of all endorsements. I doubt I can use it in my promotional materials, but it does touch my heart ; )
Please keep commenting and reading. And I will look forward to keeping up with you on your blog.
August 11th, 2009 at 10:19 am
This post really hits home for me. My husband’s ex-wife and just about everyone else who doesn’t know me and our story, has portrayed me as the one who broke up her marriage to my husband. Nothing could be further from the truth. First of all, I didn’t come on the scene until after he was out of the house and while, yes, he was still legally married, but they were separated.
She has called me awful things and has had the kids call me horrible things, “I broke up their family”, “I’m a homewrecker”, all of which are untrue.
My husband was nothing more than an empty shell in the last six years of his marriage. He had zero say in the raising of his children. He was only there to babysit them when his ex wanted to go out drinking with her friends and to provide a paycheck that was direct deposited into ex’s bank account, of which his name was not on. He had no access to his money, his schedule or his individuality. Granted, he did try to stand up for himself on occasion, but she would take this as him “stepping out of line” and take it out on the kids (destroying all of the china her grandmother had given her in front of the kids who were 8, 6 and 4 at the time and saying daddy made her do it, injuring herself in the face and saying he hit her, stuff like that).
He was on the brink of suicide before he left, because he was so guilt ridden over the idea of leaving his children. He had no proof of the things that had happened, so he couldn’t take them with him. She is really good at fooling people. Luckily, he did choose to leave over the alternative and boy, has he paid for that decision.
But why all the venom spewed at me? I showed up after that and it is unfair to blame that on me. I had nothing to do with his ex’s controlling ways, so to blame me for the downfall of their marriage is inaccurate.
I’m glad someone finally posted something about this, because it has been ticking me off for years.
August 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Ceclia,
Thanks for commenting. For women more than men, it’s profoundly difficult to be disliked or found wanting or thought “bad.” And so we often find judgments such as “she’s a homewrecker” devastating. I don’t have any answers here, but I do know that if you and your husband can laugh about it together, then the criticism truly can strengthen your bond. Aggravating to have to deal with it all, I know, and you have my sympathies. It all reminds me of a work of art by my Canadian friend Karen Piovaty: a silk screen of a woman doing a pirouette on top of a trophy. Underneath it says, “I”m a trophy wife cuz’ I deserve a trophy, dammit!”
August 11th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
p.s. Cecilia, I’m not there but it sounds to me like your husband’s ex has borderline personality disorder. Look it up if you don’t know about it already. Having a sense of what you’re up against, if she does have BPD, may be a big help to you and your husband. Good luck!
August 11th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
We actually have done some extensive research on BPD for that very reason. She does have many symptoms of the disorder, as well as some NPD and antisocial personality disorder symptoms.
My husband and I are at a point where we laugh about all of this because there is nothing else to do!
I get my dander up more than he does sometimes, but eventual laughter is key!
Thanks for your comments on my post!
August 13th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Great article. Think I’ll show these to my BF.
Cecelia….you could be me. Your situation is nearly identical to mine. It’s so hard when they play the martyr and make you out to be the homewrecker to everyone. It’s infuriating to listen to their old friends describe her as the most wonderful, loving person on earth when you know that she has physically and psychologically abused her ex in private. I’m expected to keep my mouth shut because it would be unseemly for me to air someone else’s dirty laundry in public, but I end up eating a lot of anger. Stepmoms take the blame while ex’s get to wrap themselves in the mantle of innocence and martyrdom whether or not it is deserved.
August 14th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
[...] other day I was reading Wednesday Martin’s article Presumed Guilty and after trading emails with her I realized that I’m living between two [...]
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August 30th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Thank you for writing this article. My husband and I remarried about six years after his divorce, and started attending the “old” church he had attended with his ex-wife. I have noticed that the people seem a bit cool, and I often wondered if they thought I had been responsible for the breakup, somehow.
It is so true that the role of stepmom is supposed to be one that is associated with a vague guilt, and therefore means we shouldn’t complain.