Comments on: Presumed Guilty http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/ Official Blog for the Author of Stepmonster Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:49:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Sharilee http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-2798 Sharilee Mon, 31 Aug 2009 02:57:06 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-2798 Thank you for writing this article. My husband and I remarried about six years after his divorce, and started attending the "old" church he had attended with his ex-wife. I have noticed that the people seem a bit cool, and I often wondered if they thought I had been responsible for the breakup, somehow. It is so true that the role of stepmom is supposed to be one that is associated with a vague guilt, and therefore means we shouldn't complain. Thank you for writing this article. My husband and I remarried about six years after his divorce, and started attending the “old” church he had attended with his ex-wife. I have noticed that the people seem a bit cool, and I often wondered if they thought I had been responsible for the breakup, somehow.

It is so true that the role of stepmom is supposed to be one that is associated with a vague guilt, and therefore means we shouldn’t complain.

]]> By: Between Two Extremes | The Stepmom's Tool Box http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-1139 Between Two Extremes | The Stepmom's Tool Box Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:20:17 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-1139 [...] other day I was reading Wednesday Martin’s article Presumed Guilty  and after trading emails with her I realized that I’m living between two [...] [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The comment's server IP (97.74.24.41) doesn't match the comment's URL host IP (97.74.182.1) and so is spam. [...] other day I was reading Wednesday Martin’s article Presumed Guilty  and after trading emails with her I realized that I’m living between two [...]

[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The comment’s server IP (97.74.24.41) doesn’t match the comment’s URL host IP (97.74.182.1) and so is spam.

]]> By: Athos http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-1056 Athos Thu, 13 Aug 2009 21:51:11 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-1056 Great article. Think I'll show these to my BF. Cecelia....you could be me. Your situation is nearly identical to mine. It's so hard when they play the martyr and make you out to be the homewrecker to everyone. It's infuriating to listen to their old friends describe her as the most wonderful, loving person on earth when you know that she has physically and psychologically abused her ex in private. I'm expected to keep my mouth shut because it would be unseemly for me to air someone else's dirty laundry in public, but I end up eating a lot of anger. Stepmoms take the blame while ex's get to wrap themselves in the mantle of innocence and martyrdom whether or not it is deserved. Great article. Think I’ll show these to my BF.

Cecelia….you could be me. Your situation is nearly identical to mine. It’s so hard when they play the martyr and make you out to be the homewrecker to everyone. It’s infuriating to listen to their old friends describe her as the most wonderful, loving person on earth when you know that she has physically and psychologically abused her ex in private. I’m expected to keep my mouth shut because it would be unseemly for me to air someone else’s dirty laundry in public, but I end up eating a lot of anger. Stepmoms take the blame while ex’s get to wrap themselves in the mantle of innocence and martyrdom whether or not it is deserved.

]]> By: Cecelia http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-903 Cecelia Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:04:39 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-903 We actually have done some extensive research on BPD for that very reason. She does have many symptoms of the disorder, as well as some NPD and antisocial personality disorder symptoms. My husband and I are at a point where we laugh about all of this because there is nothing else to do! :) I get my dander up more than he does sometimes, but eventual laughter is key! Thanks for your comments on my post! We actually have done some extensive research on BPD for that very reason. She does have many symptoms of the disorder, as well as some NPD and antisocial personality disorder symptoms.

My husband and I are at a point where we laugh about all of this because there is nothing else to do! :) I get my dander up more than he does sometimes, but eventual laughter is key!

Thanks for your comments on my post!

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-897 admin Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:12:55 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-897 p.s. Cecilia, I'm not there but it sounds to me like your husband's ex has borderline personality disorder. Look it up if you don't know about it already. Having a sense of what you're up against, if she does have BPD, may be a big help to you and your husband. Good luck! p.s. Cecilia, I’m not there but it sounds to me like your husband’s ex has borderline personality disorder. Look it up if you don’t know about it already. Having a sense of what you’re up against, if she does have BPD, may be a big help to you and your husband. Good luck!

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-895 admin Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:11:51 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-895 Ceclia, Thanks for commenting. For women more than men, it's profoundly difficult to be disliked or found wanting or thought "bad." And so we often find judgments such as "she's a homewrecker" devastating. I don't have any answers here, but I do know that if you and your husband can laugh about it together, then the criticism truly can strengthen your bond. Aggravating to have to deal with it all, I know, and you have my sympathies. It all reminds me of a work of art by my Canadian friend Karen Piovaty: a silk screen of a woman doing a pirouette on top of a trophy. Underneath it says, "I"m a trophy wife cuz' I deserve a trophy, dammit!" Ceclia,
Thanks for commenting. For women more than men, it’s profoundly difficult to be disliked or found wanting or thought “bad.” And so we often find judgments such as “she’s a homewrecker” devastating. I don’t have any answers here, but I do know that if you and your husband can laugh about it together, then the criticism truly can strengthen your bond. Aggravating to have to deal with it all, I know, and you have my sympathies. It all reminds me of a work of art by my Canadian friend Karen Piovaty: a silk screen of a woman doing a pirouette on top of a trophy. Underneath it says, “I”m a trophy wife cuz’ I deserve a trophy, dammit!”

]]> By: Cecelia http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-891 Cecelia Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:19:34 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-891 This post really hits home for me. My husband's ex-wife and just about everyone else who doesn't know me and our story, has portrayed me as the one who broke up her marriage to my husband. Nothing could be further from the truth. First of all, I didn't come on the scene until after he was out of the house and while, yes, he was still legally married, but they were separated. She has called me awful things and has had the kids call me horrible things, "I broke up their family", "I'm a homewrecker", all of which are untrue. My husband was nothing more than an empty shell in the last six years of his marriage. He had zero say in the raising of his children. He was only there to babysit them when his ex wanted to go out drinking with her friends and to provide a paycheck that was direct deposited into ex's bank account, of which his name was not on. He had no access to his money, his schedule or his individuality. Granted, he did try to stand up for himself on occasion, but she would take this as him "stepping out of line" and take it out on the kids (destroying all of the china her grandmother had given her in front of the kids who were 8, 6 and 4 at the time and saying daddy made her do it, injuring herself in the face and saying he hit her, stuff like that). He was on the brink of suicide before he left, because he was so guilt ridden over the idea of leaving his children. He had no proof of the things that had happened, so he couldn't take them with him. She is really good at fooling people. Luckily, he did choose to leave over the alternative and boy, has he paid for that decision. But why all the venom spewed at me? I showed up after that and it is unfair to blame that on me. I had nothing to do with his ex's controlling ways, so to blame me for the downfall of their marriage is inaccurate. I'm glad someone finally posted something about this, because it has been ticking me off for years. This post really hits home for me. My husband’s ex-wife and just about everyone else who doesn’t know me and our story, has portrayed me as the one who broke up her marriage to my husband. Nothing could be further from the truth. First of all, I didn’t come on the scene until after he was out of the house and while, yes, he was still legally married, but they were separated.

She has called me awful things and has had the kids call me horrible things, “I broke up their family”, “I’m a homewrecker”, all of which are untrue.

My husband was nothing more than an empty shell in the last six years of his marriage. He had zero say in the raising of his children. He was only there to babysit them when his ex wanted to go out drinking with her friends and to provide a paycheck that was direct deposited into ex’s bank account, of which his name was not on. He had no access to his money, his schedule or his individuality. Granted, he did try to stand up for himself on occasion, but she would take this as him “stepping out of line” and take it out on the kids (destroying all of the china her grandmother had given her in front of the kids who were 8, 6 and 4 at the time and saying daddy made her do it, injuring herself in the face and saying he hit her, stuff like that).

He was on the brink of suicide before he left, because he was so guilt ridden over the idea of leaving his children. He had no proof of the things that had happened, so he couldn’t take them with him. She is really good at fooling people. Luckily, he did choose to leave over the alternative and boy, has he paid for that decision.

But why all the venom spewed at me? I showed up after that and it is unfair to blame that on me. I had nothing to do with his ex’s controlling ways, so to blame me for the downfall of their marriage is inaccurate.

I’m glad someone finally posted something about this, because it has been ticking me off for years.

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-793 admin Sun, 09 Aug 2009 01:31:36 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-793 WickedSteppie, Thank you so much for reading stepmonster and reviewing it. I am delighted that the book is making the rounds and that women like you are getting the word out about it. More than that, I'm glad it is helping you feel understood. "Stepmonster kicks serious ass" is perhaps my favorite of all endorsements. I doubt I can use it in my promotional materials, but it does touch my heart ; ) Please keep commenting and reading. And I will look forward to keeping up with you on your blog. WickedSteppie,
Thank you so much for reading stepmonster and reviewing it. I am delighted that the book is making the rounds and that women like you are getting the word out about it. More than that, I’m glad it is helping you feel understood. “Stepmonster kicks serious ass” is perhaps my favorite of all endorsements. I doubt I can use it in my promotional materials, but it does touch my heart ; )

Please keep commenting and reading. And I will look forward to keeping up with you on your blog.

]]> By: WickedSteppie http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-790 WickedSteppie Sat, 08 Aug 2009 21:45:05 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-790 Fantastic post as always. It is so true that we are often presumed guilty simply by virtue of the role we are in. Is it any wonder that stepmothers feel they have to work twice as hard just to show everyone that we really are nice normal people! I've reviewed your book on my blog, by the way. "Stepmonster" kicks serious ass, there is no other way to put it! http://wickedsteppiesconfessions.blogspot.com/2009/08/wednesday-martin-i-salute-you.html Fantastic post as always.

It is so true that we are often presumed guilty simply by virtue of the role we are in. Is it any wonder that stepmothers feel they have to work twice as hard just to show everyone that we really are nice normal people!

I’ve reviewed your book on my blog, by the way. “Stepmonster” kicks serious ass, there is no other way to put it!
http://wickedsteppiesconfessions.blogspot.com/2009/08/wednesday-martin-i-salute-you.html

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2009/08/presumed-guilty/comment-page-1/#comment-780 admin Sat, 08 Aug 2009 01:19:22 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=397#comment-780 Life of a stepmama: Thanks for both of your very thoughtful and thought-provoking posts. I agree that much more needs to be learned and written about situations like yours in which it's non-marital childbearing that makes the woman a stepmom. We really don't have a good enough sense of all the ways women become stepmothers, let alone the rest of stepmother reality. I'm so glad Stepmonster is giving you a feeling of being understood. I've been in that position of feeling like even my friends just don't "get it," by the way. Thanks for reading the book and the blog. Come back soon. Life of a stepmama:
Thanks for both of your very thoughtful and thought-provoking posts. I agree that much more needs to be learned and written about situations like yours in which it’s non-marital childbearing that makes the woman a stepmom. We really don’t have a good enough sense of all the ways women become stepmothers, let alone the rest of stepmother reality.

I’m so glad Stepmonster is giving you a feeling of being understood. I’ve been in that position of feeling like even my friends just don’t “get it,” by the way. Thanks for reading the book and the blog. Come back soon.

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