Why you shouldn’t put his kids first
One of the biggest points of confusion and controversy as I talk to people about Stepmonster and stepmother reality is the injunction, “Put the kids first” and “The kids should always come first” and other variations on this theme. It’s become a virtual mantra since Constance Ahrons introduced the idea of “The Good Divorce” and highly cooperative co-parenting after a breakup as ideal for the kids. The members of the ex-couple, Mom and Dad, should put their differences aside, Ahrons urges, for the sake of a more harmonious “bi-nuclear family” or divorced family that spans two households. This will spare the kids from ugly, painful loyalty binds and help with their adjustment to the shattering of family life as they knew it.
Ahrons is right. Numerous studies verify that high levels of conflict between parents pre and post-divorce can be emotionally devastating for kids. And that’s evidence enough that exes who can’t stand each other will do well to turn to Co-Parenting with an Idiot, What to Do When Your Ex Drives You Crazy, and other books that will help them through the minefield of diplomacy and emotional gymanstics it can take to Put Your Kids First.
But it turns out that putting the kids first is not something everyone should be doing. Particularly stepparents. And most especially stepmothers. Sure, their husbands need to carve out time for just the kids when they show up for their time with dad and stepmom. But it turns out that kids generally don’t need or even want the household to revolve around their every whim–it feels uncomfortable for everyone (if they do want the household to run that way, or have gotten used to being in charge, it’s a sign that parenting has been way too permissive, and that it’s time for the tide to change). Putting them “first” in this context merely keeps them in the status as “special visitor” or “little prince/princess,” rather than integrating them into the life of the couple and the stepfamily as true family members. It also builds stepmother resentment if every time his kids show up, she is suddenly shunted into outsider status or asked to cook, clean, and otherwise bend over backwards to accommodate them as her husband lavishes them with attention and refuses to draw the line when they misbehave, reasoning that “my wife has me all week but the kids only see me on the weekend, so she can just put up with it.” The withdrawal of affection that so often accompanies the kids’ stay frequently makes matters even more difficult for the woman with stepkids: many women told me their husbands won’t so much as hold their hands when his kids or even adult kids are in the house, making their visits synonymous with losing out on closeness. And this resentment will only worsen if the kids, as Mavis Hetherington discovered in her Virginia Longitudinal Study, are highly resentful of getting a stepmother, often for many years.
In short, one of the biggest reasons remarriage with kids is so hard on stepmom, experts told me as I researched my book Stepmonster, is that dads who divorce and remarry too often confuse the obligation to keep things civil with an ex for the child’s sake with a duty to put the kid first in the hierarchy of relations in a home forever. Translation: not cutting down your ex in front of your kids is good; letting your kids run your household, be rude to your partner, and even have veto power over your new partner because you feel too guilty to draw the line is bad. “Who’s in charge here?” one woman reported asking her then-fiance as his 12-year-old daughter “jokingly” berated him, called him rude names, and demanded to be waited on instead of getting things herself. “She is!” he replied, as if it were the funniest, most endearing state of affairs ever. Too often, it is in fact the father/child relationship that is given priority post-divorce and even post-remarriage, instead of the husband/wife relationship. How could a woman who becomes a wife not chafe against such a fundamental imbalance when she lives it every day or on every visit?
“His kids should always come first.” If the kids are unenthused about having a stepmother, and/or in a loyalty bind because mom has not given them permission to like stepmom, Wake Forest University sociologist Linda Nielsen notes, it is especially counter-productive for stepmom to siphon energy she would otherwise put into self-care (stepmothering is a notoriously difficult and decentering role) and care for her marriage to attempting to win their love and approval. She would do better to focus on her partnership, her friendships, and her work and hobbies, Nielsen says, rather than handing his kids all the power on a silver platter. Indeed, hard experience has taught many of us that pandering to stepkids who don’t like the fact of you doesn’t get you anywhere except lower on the family totem pole, angrier at your partner, and more disappointed with yourself and your marriage.
There’s much that divorced and remarried fathers can do to make his wife’s life easier. The first step is understanding that these aren’t her kids, they may not be crazy about having her in their lives, and so some adjusting of expectations are in order. Wanting your partner or wife to put your kids first, love them as if they’re her own, and feel as lenient and all-approving toward them as you do, particularly if they are unhappy or ambivalent about having her in their lives and/or have undue amount of power in the home, is a recipe for resentment, misunderstanding, and marital disaster.
Remarriages are much more vulnerable than first marriages–the divorce rate is up to 72%, versus 43% for a first marriage! So it’s imperative that we rid ourselves, as individuals and as a society, of our dearly held but completely misinformed notion that the marriage has to come second when there’s been a divorce with kids, or the kids will be ruined for life. The truth of the matter is that the more we have our remarriages with kids revolve around the kids, the more of an Outsider stepmom becomes, and the harder it becomes for both the marriage and the relationship between stepmom and stepkids to evolve into something, real, meaningful, and reciprocal.
It’s often the case, Dr. Patricia Papernow notes, that the divorced and remarried dad feels loved, nurtured and supported by the very children his wife feels rejected, exhausted, and unappreciated by. The mandate that she and he put his kids first–before their marriage and before her own mental health–seems, in this context, the height of absurdity, if not sadism. His job is to invite his wife or partner to the inside of the family, to take a seat by his side at the head of the family table. The deep love he feels for his kids need not interfere with his ability to extend that invitation. Stepmothers are not supplicants in their own homes. Being loved and cherished, being an equal partner, is our sacred right.
Tags: Constance Ahrons, patricia papernow, remarriage with children, stepmonster, the good divorce, wednesday martin
August 7th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Hear hear!!! I feel for all the stepmothers who had to survive before Wednesday Martin!! Another fantastic article.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Wow!! I feel like I did something right, thanks to a smart and receptive husband and a great family/couples therapist over 25 years ago…also my own realization that I was also important in the stepfamily. I remember realizing that my needs mattered as much or maybe even more than those of my stepsons and also my own sons when we got married and worked to combine our then families. It took me a while to reach the point of thinking about me first and sometimes it felt weird but I knew that it would keep me sane. Thanks to Wednesday for her insightful book and compassion to stepmothers who, indeed have a really hard road. Bravo!!
August 7th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Hi Rebecca,
Thanks for reading. I am putting you on the blog roll now…! Sorry I’m so slow…
August 7th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Hi Sally,
Thanks for reading. A husband who’s clear about his marriage needing attention can make such a difference for the woman with stepkids! I’m glad you’re not facing some of the issues I write about thanks to your Great Guy.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:25 am
AMEN, sister!
August 7th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Believe me, it’s not totally perfect, even with a great guy. After all these years, there are still issues that come up…the new current issue is step-grandparenting. Wednesday, I know you have addressed this in the past. I must say that, for me, at this point I only exert my energy for issues that work for me. By that, I mean…now that there are many grandchildren from the combined family the prioritizing for the stepmother (me) continues. It is an ongoing issue of choice of who to take care of….me or someone else! When it comes to the steps, at this point my husband takes the lead in the amount and type of contact with his kids and grandkids.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:56 am
This is pretty much where I am and have been for quite some time. Your post has made me feel validated, and that deserves a big “Hurray!” For a long time I’ve battled with guilt over not putting stepdaughter first. But then when I started disengaging from her (survival tactic, ya know?), I had to learn to fight that guilt even harder, because all of the sudden she wasn’t the center of the universe around here–oh the horror! I had to retrain my brain to think that it’s a good thing that I don’t spend 24/7 playing with her just because she’s in this house, and it’s a good thing that she’s learning to function without 45 people watching her and saying, “Oh what a sweet kid! How funny she is! Blahblahexcessivecomplimentsblahblah.” It’s a hard transition and she’s fighting it quite a bit, but it’s working out for the best. It’s impacting DH, also, and how he interacts with her; he doesn’t spend as much time fawning over her and consequently she’s realizing that it’s not my job to entertain her, nor is it DH’s job to spend all of his free time with her. We’re slowly starting to function like a normal family. Emphasis on “slowly”!
So thanks for this post.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Wow!
Even my own mother says “She has to come first”. Making me feel like a real selfish bitch whenever I am exhausted or just outta love for the whole gig. I “knew what I was getting into” apparently.
No, I bloody well didn’t is the answer to that! This game is a minefield and sometimes, the more you put in, the less you get out. Which is why I try to focus on the quality of what I put in these days, not so much the quantity. I could be there every single weekend, every day of it, but I figure, kiddo comes over to see Dad, not me, really. Some days I’m in favour, some days not. I find that easier to cope with when I am taking care of my own needs and not adapting my entire life around being a SM. It actually makes being a SM more enjoyable when you bring the element of choice back into it.
She didn’t choose me, I didn’t choose her. We are together as a result of choices that my partner, her father, made. He has to walk a difficult line, and I don’t really envy him.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
AMEN! Luckily for me I came into the SS life early, he was 1 1/2 years old when I started dating the BF, that was about a year ago. I wonder too how the SS will handle growing up knowing that his parents were never really together. They had broken off their newly started relationship about a month after the BM found out that she was pregnant. They had really only dated for about 4 months long distance before it was over. It is such a weird situation and something not discussed in any stepmom books. Most of them are geared towards divorce, and this was so far from that, it was basically the BF’s rebound from his divorce. His wife left him (another one to add to the stat women leave men more) and he was devastated, he was not thinking clearly and got involved with a girl who was after him for the wrong reasons.
Although it was the biggest mistake he has ever made and openly admits that, he knew there was no way he could not be a part of his son’s life and has made it his focus to travel 900 miles every month to see his son. Like he says sometimes our worst decisions have the best outcomes and his son was just that. I think it is important to focus on our relationship and I do not feel my feelings should be considered less because a child is involved. While I know a child’s needs should come before mine, I should still be first in his eyes if our relationship is going to last. If the SS were our son that is how it would be, and if we have our own children someday that is how it would be, so why should we treat the SS different just because he got a woman pregnant before he was with me? I am so thankful to have a supportative boyfriend, someday husband and I hope due to the circumstances the son will come to love me as his fathers wife and know I did not break up a relationship that was not there to start with. I read in one of my blended family books that un-wanted pregnancies was becoming a leading statistic for single mothers and blended families. Its becoming more and more of a common occurrence to have a child out of wedlock, if the relationship doesn’t last or was not planning on this outcome to begin with this is something that needs to be considered in the stepfamily paradigm. Not every stepfamily situation ended in divorce.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
What an interesting post. I have often used the ‘put the children first’ phrase, but it was always intended with regards to putting them above any emotional issues or power struggles the birth parents were having with one another. Never in regards to the hierarchies of the divorced parent’s subsequent households.
I really like how you approach this subject. I read so many ’stepmom’ blogs that have such a strong undercurrent of anger and I don’t feel that here. The stepparent role and particularly the role of stepmother is incredibly difficult. Recognizing and acknowledging and accepting your feelings no matter how ‘taboo’ is so important. And yes, knowing that you are a head of the household as well; with all the same rights and entitlements and expectations any mother and wife should have.
Growing up in my two blended families, I never wanted to be the center of the household. My father and stepmother would hold vacations off for my visits and it always made me feel weird. I didn’t want to be the standout any more than I already was. All I wanted was the comfort of knowing my role as a kid in the house and being able to carry it out. That and a little time with my dad.
I have often felt (although I’m sure she would deny it) that my stepmother felt the way you described and yet I never wanted to be the star when I was there for my visits. I never wanted the top spot in the house. Who needs that kind of pressure as a kid?
I have often wondered why she gave her power over to me even though I never wanted it. Maybe it was because she felt that was the right thing to do or because my dad made her feel like she should. And it did cause tension and bad feelings, which in turn made me feel like she resented me. Which in turn made me resent her. Let the emotional roller coasters begin!!
Anyway, very thought provoking. Thank you.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
It is probable during the process of divorce no. 1 that the father sought “a partner” in distancing from his soon to be ex-wife, taking comfort in the daughter’s love and need of him emotionally, now lost with the wife. This is exploitation, albeit perhaps not conscious, but I would say it is the parents duty to inform themselves of what children really need in the context of their relationship difficulties. There are plenty of professionals and other resources if one is truly concerned with understanding and putting the children first. In the typical scenario, children are exploited, elevated to little prince and princes related to competition, are unable to develop healthy identities. Children who feel they are more in control than their parents feel quite naturally an overwhelming anxiety — they sense viscerally, if not cognitively what their new roles are,and the roles are frightening and far beyond their cognitive and emotional maturity to handle. Taking care of one’s parents during a divorce is destructive. Children compensate by excercising this power they have been given to feel more secure and in control, since their parents are too stupid to understand they not only are NOT putting their children first, they are damaging them, undermining future abilities to develop competence and normalcy in relationships.
Triangulation used by divorced parents to assuage their sagging egos as parents and partners try to revive original feelings from their primary spousal relationships and further attempt to reassure themselves they are’t total failures because they put on such a, child damaging, display of what good parents they are. Add the crazy ex who undermines and competes with the new wife, and what a mess the original parents. This happens especially in opposite gender parent-child relationships; the mothers of sons, and the fathers of daughters. Moreover, in the instance of the “stepmonster” syndrome, why wouldn’t this pattern of triangulating continue with the father, daughter, and step-mother. It’s been going on, what’s to change the dynamics just because the father is remarried. People do not understand what “putting the kids first” really means. Perhaps if they had this level of insight and relationship skills, divorce would not be so prevalent.
August 9th, 2009 at 9:19 am
I am SO confused now and I think I may have done everyone in my blended family a disservice. My husband left for a work engagement at the same time my stepdaughter was admitted into the hospital for an illness. I took over the co-parenting with the kids’ mom and now we refer to nights when the kids are with me as Stepmom nights.
I pick the kids up from camp every day, feed them dinner, pay for their camp things, buy them clothes, etc (all that stuff child support is supposed to pay for) and keep them with me for a week at a time if necessary so mom can have time for herself.
I’ve put the kids first because it feels like no one else is.
Have I screwed everything up?
August 9th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Hi Erin,
How do you feel about it? That’s really the main thing here. For most of us, it seems (and I base this on the studies that show that stepmother rates of depression and anxiety are markedly higher than those of other family members) relationships with his kids feel unreciprocal and unfulfilling. Add to that the pressure from sometimes undermining exes, and the fact of stepchild loyalty binds and resentment, and for many women it wouldn’t feel good to take on what you’re taken on.
In my view there are many ways to be a woman with stepkids, many levels of involvement, a whole spectrum from disengaged to “like another parent.” And they can all be healthy, depending on the woman herself. I’m not sure you’re asking for advice, but mine would be that if you start feeling resentful, that’s a good sign to dial back your involvement. In any case, if you don’t feel used and underappreciated by your husband’s ex or your stepkids, and you don’t feel depleted by all you’ve taken on, it sounds like you’re far from screwing everything up. Good luck and thanks for reading.
August 11th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Putting our marriage first was so important to both of us that our wedding vows revolved around the marriage passages in Ephesians. Our marriage is the number one relationship in our home and outside our home.
I think my husband needs to speak to husbands of stepmoms everywhere!
August 13th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Peggy,
You are SO lucky that the hierarchy in your household is clear. And as you know it’s not just good for you and your husband–it’s also good for the kids. This is one of the cases were NOT putting the kids first is a way to have their best interests in mind!
August 30th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Wow! What a powerful idea! You have hit on so many of my fears and feelings that it’s hard to know how to respond. Let’s just say that my approach to stepparenting has changed a lot in the year and a half that I have been married. I started out so excited to be a one big happy family. Sure that we could all build a great life together.
Now, after a year and a half with two sometimes surly teenage boys, I have gone almost into survival mode. I feel so frusturated that I am powerless to have any influence on these boys, but yet they take up my whole life. They are here, but I feel like I cannot touch them because I have no power. It is very discouraging sometimes, and your article really encouraged me to not feel guilty about having my own feelings about what is happening.
thank you and bless you!
August 31st, 2009 at 9:59 am
Hi Sharilee,
Glad the article spoke to you about your experience. It’s true we’re seldom reassured, when we find it impossible to make “one big happy family with his kids,” that we stepmothers are not to blame, and that there are a lot of factors beyond our control preventing us from “blending” everyone together! I think the more women (and their partners) get to know the facts, the less pressure we’ll feel and the better couples will do.
Teen aged stepchildren can be very, very depleting for a stepmother. You are describing and living the conundrum of “responsibility without authority.” I encourage you to sit with your husband and perhaps someone trained in stepfamily dynamics to figure out who to have the role you want in your household. You don’t come second here. Your adjustment and happiness are crucial to the success of your partnership and your family. So take care and keep me posted.
best,
wednesday
September 11th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
My husband’s 1st wife died about 10 years ago and we have been married 3 years. His youngest daughter is 19 and started college this year. The problem is that we feel differently about parenting adult kids. My daughter was encouraged to drive her own car to school each week and she drove home on the weekends. The driving distance is approximately the same, 1 1/2 hours each way. His daughter wants him to pick her up and drop her off each week rather than drive her own car.
I feel that when a child graduates high school, they should assume the responsibilities of an adult and learn independence and get the experience that they will need later and that includes the driving experience. The weather is nice now, the perfect time to become confident with the roads to school. Second semester, they will be hazardous and I would have wanted him to drive her during those bad driving conditions, but not each week.
So, not only do we disagree about parental roles in older children’s lives, but for three years we have had virtually no time for each other. I have moved out to the country and am home alone all day while he works 10 hour days and I am disabled and cannot drive to town to visit, shop, etc. except infrequently. I also cannot drive the 3 hour roundtrip and then he picks her up from work on Friday (because she doesn’t have her car and we live half an hour out of town), another hour of driving late in the evening. He is off on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But now on Friday he must begin driving by 2 p.m. and usually leaves earlier to run an errand or two and then I usually don’t see him until around 11-midnight because of picking her up from work. The time in-between is spent away from home because of the long drive and he can accomplish other things that need to be done.
Then, on Sunday, he around dinner time and takes her back to school. So, each Friday and Sunday are not ours as a couple, a large part of the day is usually spent apart from each other.
I have shared my feelings with him and he doesn’t agree. He feels that taking her and picking her up each week is time well spent and he loves it. He feels that I shouldn’t feel unloved and that I should understand. He doesn’t feel that he is chosing her above me, and that he shouldn’t have to choose, but should try to be a good parent and husband. He does not understand that he is often dead-tired when I see him or that we have virtually no time to be a couple. For three years we didn’t have a date night or down time alone because of a busy schedule and obligations and I thought that when the last child went to college, we would begin to spend more time together….Now, it is even less than before.
Please give me feedback. Am I wrong? I do want him to be a good father, but I also want a loving husband and to know that I am important. When “I” am apart from him, he has sulked and acted very unhappy, saying that he misses me. Why doesn’t he see that I feel the same way now (I miss him and am also lonely), but I feel he is choosing to have us separated and that he is choosing an adult child ahead of his wife. By the way, this child will be in college for more than 7 years for her chosen field and I don’t see this changing. He is prepared to do this for “at least” a year.
September 12th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Dear Donna,
Are you “wrong”? Absolutely not. It is unfortunate and counter-productive for your husband to tell you that he “disagrees” with your feelings (particularly when he himself feels so down when you’re not around) His expectations of you–that you should tolerate having virtually no time alone with him and happily enable the unhealthy dynamic that prevails between him and his daughter when it comes to driving, and most likely in other areas as well–are unfair and unrealistic.
Anyone in your position might very well feel resentful of both your husband and his daughter and I commend you for sounding as balanced and fair as you do in a situation that has obviously been going on for a very long time.
Your husband says he doesn’t want to have to choose between his daughter and his wife, but that is not what you are asking. You are asking him at this late date to take the step he never took when the two of your first got together: prioritize the marriage because remarriages with children are so fragile and require so much tending. And if you DON’T prioritize the marriage you have the situation you are in now, where 19 year olds call the shots and have a guilty dad at their beck and call.
These situations are usually much more difficult and husband guilt much more intense when the man is a widower, rather than divorced. This is another piece of the puzzle here.
In short, your weekends, the only time for you to be with your husband, are being goggled up by his guilt toward his daughter. Does he know that he is destroying your happiness in the marriage? Does he think you will simply get used to making this accomodation? Or that you should? I think he probably doesn’t even understand his own thinkings and feelings here, and that is why he tells you that it’s YOUR responsibility to just get used to him having these bizarre expectations.
Will he go to counselling? Frankly I think your best shot is to find a professional who has a clue about stepfamily dynamics to work to educate your husband. But it will have to be someone with a very traditional, “marriage first” mentality rather than a “two firsts” (the wife AND the kids come first) which just doesn’t work and won’t help here. Do you have a trusted minister, for example? The driving issue is just a symptom of a larger, overarching problem about putting the kids before the marriage. However, you might suggest, until he sees the light, a compromise. Can’t she take a bus one way, or get a ride from a friend? That is a reasonable middle ground position to take.
I also suggest you buy my book, Stepmonster, because I think it would truly help you reframe your expectations. You deserve more than you are getting here. You are not crazy, but you are also not alone. Good luck and keep me posted if you wish.
all best,
wednesday
September 15th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Wow, you hit the nail on the head with this one!! My husband and I have been together for 17 years, and although I got along well with his 3 kids, the visits were always tense for me, as whenever the kids are around, I was virtually non-existent and became a maid. They have grown (the last child graduated this year) and I thought we were on our way to “our” lives.
His 21 year old middle daughter moved in a month ago and she is destoying our home and marriage. I have had to take a second job to help with the additional expenses, (the water bill alone has doubled) then I found out my husband is getting laid off at the end of this month.
I am exhausted and then I come home to listen to her potty mouth because she is angry that her employer has asked her to do additional hours (she only works 2-6 hours a day) and that “I did not effing come up here to effing do that, I effing came up here to relax & sit on the effing beach” (we live in a small coastal community) and that she wanted to move in with us because it is hard for her to “pay my rent and smoke all the weed I want!!!”. Her dad seems to think this is OK, as he want to “be there for her” I work 7 days a week!! One is a demanding management job and the other is cleaning houses..both jobs are different but niether one is easy.
We do not charge her rent and we gave her full use of one of my cars. Incidentaly, I am the primary provider and I have paid for all of our cars and I am the one who pays rent, utilities, etc. Always have. It the old mantra “I pay child support so I am broke”
I left for work the day before yesterday and I was loading into my car she started bitching at me that SHE needed that car that day. We gave her full use of the other car, but SHE wants to drive that one!! Anyway, after I said 3 times that “I need my car” she yelled at me “FINE TAKE YOUR CAR THEN” and slammed the front door. Then yesterday after work at the day job, I go the the parking lot to find that she switched cars!! She had MY car and left the other one! Grrr!!!!!
And stupid things are driving me CRAZY like how she sits at my spot on the couch every night. I sat there for 17 years!! My husband even told her that that is where I sit, but she sits there anyway and plants her butt and looks smug. I may be a little nuts, but sorry, that is where I like to sit, and where I have always sat, and for Gods sake it is my house and couch! I work 2 jobs is it really to much to ask to sit my silly butt where I am the most comfortable??
I am ignored, hardly spoken to when she is here, and since she is “hungry when she gets home” my husband prepares meals to accomodate her and eats with her, we no longer have our dinners together which had been our routine for many years, since the beginning of our relationship.
So anyway my husband and I started arguing last night and she started interjecting which is so incredibly out of line I cannot even tell you how much it upsets me.
And now I have had 2 friends tell me that my husband spoke with them and that he says that everything is my fault, and his daughter is “not the problem.”
I am so hurt and dismayed I cannot even tell you, I am supposed to be his partner and I have been regulated as “the problem” even though I am the one keeping the roof over their heads, and cars under their butts. I feel totally disrepected and taken advantage of, and hurt, mostly.
Thanks for listening!
September 15th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Dear Dale,
I feel the need to respond to your post right away. Although you do not ask for
advice here, I am going to give it anyway, because your situation, if I am
reading correctly, is urgent and intolerable to you.
First, I hope you will get my book from the library or used from amazon.com. Or
give me your address (email me at wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com) and I will send
you a complementary copy. You need an overview of the issues.
I hear that you are feeling disrespected, taken advantage of, and hurt by your
husband’s failure to be a partner. These feelings are not wrong in any way. The
issue is not you. The issue, again, is your husband’s choice to put his energies
into his bond with his daughter at the expense of his partner’s well-being and
happiness.
The answer here is boundaries. At the very least your disrespectful stepdaughter
needs to pay rent. But the bigger, overarching issue is your husband’s failure
as a partner and his poor parenting.
I can’t remember the last time I have advised something like this, and as a
caveat, you and I have not spoken in person. But in your position, I would
simply give my husband an ultimatum: I’m tired of this. Either she moves out or
I do. Another possibility is that you tell him that either things change
immediately, or he and his daughter move out and you stay in the house. If he is
willing to seek counselling and work this out as a couple (she shouldn’t go to
counselling with you until you have therapy as a couple), perhaps he can move
back in with you. I say all this without knowing the particulars of your
situation (whose name the lease or mortgage is in, etc.) but you get my idea.
The most important thing here, should you choose to issue an ultimatum, is that
you stay as flat and unemotional as possible, and say over and over, in a flat,
neutral voice, “I will not be disrespected in my own home. I will not be with a
partner who fails to partner. I believe there are issues between you and your
daughter and I cannot continue to be part of this unhealthy dynamic.” Say it
like a robot if you must. But do NOT, no matter what, allow yourself to be
baited into an argument. Men become very fearful and respectful when their wives
remain rational and say they want change or else, and totally dismissive when
their wives are asking for or demanding change while acting “emotional.”
Good luck and do keep us posted if you are so inclined.
Best,
wednesday
September 21st, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Thank you so much for your kind and quick reply. I sent you a message via your email address!
Wow, you are right about so many things, especially about feeling disrespected and unappreciated. It is never enough, he had the audacity to complain a couple of days ago “when was the last time YOU cooked me a meal!” I am working 2 jobs!! One is salaried, so full time + and the other p/t!! So of course, I said “Well I would cook a meal if I had the chance, dinner is already cooked and eaten when I get home, I would be happy to cook a meal but no one wants to have to wait!”
I can’t do everything, and this is not my kid for godness sake, she is his and I should not be expected to bend over backwards for her time and time again!! If we as step parents are expected to understand/respect the fact that THEY have kids, what makes them think that they do not have to understand/respect that we DO NOT??
October 12th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Thanks for boosting some level of sanity… assuming I have any left
I’ve been with my Fiancé for 4.1/2 years now and when I came along, his son was almost 7. We agreed that it takes a village to raise a family so I thought we were in line on most things. I have never been heavy handed and moved into a step mom role very gradually. The problem is with my man (the father) and his inability to draw boundaries with the ex (whom he still hasn’t divorced). The ex cheated on him with a heroine addict when the boy was just a toddler. I know at the time that the father wanted her back and did a pretty shoddy job of drawing boundaries with her. In fact, after he finally left her to come to the east coast (and helped her get a job with his new company) he allowed her and the heroine addict to move into his condo with him. They now work at the same location and she’s managed to insert herself into his work zone a few times a week on average. Sometimes she eavesdrops and sometimes she lurks behind him reading his monitor. She seems to play off a lot of these visits as necessary in order to exchange information or sports gear back and forth (though this apparently can’t be done off site). The reason I believe she does this is to have a safe zone in which to assert her agenda whereby I am not around to point out any other options or viewpoints other than the ones she wishes to have him agree to. He’s quite passive aggressive and has some pretty severe anxiety issues. She corners him at work unannounced (which is confrontational to him), and refuses to email or text request for scheduled times to talk about whatever. In other words, he doesn’t stand up to her, he doesn’t straighten out her misguided assertions and she tends to draw on all sorts of negative assertions of our relationship and me. This is of course the same man whom she very clearly doesn’t want, but seems to want to control. She was quite successful earlier this year and after hearing him on the phone with me (at his private office, work hours, child at school and not present) in a very heated conversation, she demanded that their son not come to our house until he end the relationship with me. She also barred me (he allowed this to happen out of fear, she threatening to sue him for custody of their child if I were to be present) from all child related school/sports events. She’s managed through the years to guilt him into most events that seem to have a goal of alienating me from their lives.
E.g. I wrote her a letter at one point last year stating all the good things I do for her son in which I would think she would at least be thankful for. I mentioned events like helping him with some art for school and helping him paint his pinewood car for cub scouts (she wasn’t involved in his scouts or baseball and has told the father that “that is your deal”). She then cornered him on a titrate and insinuating he wasn’t doing his fatherly role by saying things like “why was she doing these things, you’re the father, where were you?”. Now he’s got this major guilt trip and I have to make my point that he shouldn’t be doing it alone, we’re a family… duh.
He had a really bad relationship with his father who was never available and an alcoholic and I feel he tries to overcompensate. He has a hard time drawing the Bud/Dad line and I often try to help with that, but often times seems like a loosing battle when we’re constantly being barraged by the ex who quite clearly (to me at least) has her own agenda and tries at every opportunity to insert her agenda by seemingly manipulating his guilt.
I have always tried to be as your article suggested and be inclusive in a family way. I’ve often times felt like I’ve lost my sanity. I do so much and then I have to defend what should be my clear position/role in their lives. The mother has such animosity towards me and my fiancé and often times we’ll hear statements about things she’s said from the boy himself. I’ve looked up parental alienation and this is horrible. I once again find myself being the only one who is seemingly trying to honestly protect the boy with no agenda of my own, and putting my own relationship in the line of fire to try to get my Fiancé see her actions without the rose colored glasses on. Don’t get me wrong, I wish for a world where we could all talk about things and get along, but I frankly don’t see how that’s a possibility when she is sabotaging his life and mine due to (what I suspect) are her own insecurities.
I am not a voice that I feel gets through to him and I keep hoping that someone would come along and tell him that he has a right to his life without her asserting herself, her agendas and her will to control how he chooses to father his son into our relationship. I don’t know where to turn. I keep hoping our couples counselor will step up and say something solid and real to help him define his role, whether it be as a father or in our relationship and how that relates as a father. The boy is now 11 and after not spending the first 6 months of this year around us, he’s now quite surly and disrespectful. Of course this could just be age related, but with the mother disparaging me and the father I’ve tried to explain to my fiancé that when a parent disparages another parent that the child may think that they should also feel that way due to natural loyalties to the seemingly injured parent (mom). She will use phrases in order to keep her live-at work only connection with him such as “for our son’s sake” and “he didn’t ask for separate houses”. I just don’t see this as healthy. I’ve suggested she get another set of sports gear so there wouldn’t be a need for this interchange at work, once again she used the “for our son’s sake”. I think that the boy is learning not only how to be the tool that his mother has used against the dad, but I fear that he will also learn when he has a kid of his own and if he splits from the mother that the mother has a right to do this to him as well. He deserves a healthy relationship without his ex’s influence in his ear coercing him out of guilt… I believe I do as well, yet I feel almost crazy for having to ask for it.
October 13th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Valli,
I wonder if there’s anything more stressful for a wife than a husband who is passive regarding his intrusive ex. You have all my sympathies as you navigate the reality of a manipulative and undermining, not mention angry sounding, intruder in your marriage.
Yes, I do share your sense that your husband having much better boundaries and more self confidence would help protect all of you, and help the two of you feel more like a couple. I hope your couple’s counsellor will step up here. Does he or she have training, other than a class or two in school, in the area of stepfamily dynamics? Is he or she certified by any stepfamily training institute? How many couples in a remarriage with children has he or she worked with? These are questions to ask, particularly if you don’t feel you and your husband are getting helpful guidance and insight. The National Stepfamily Resource Center has a list of QUALIFIED stepfamily and stepcouple therapists, should you decide to seek a new counsellor or another point of view. You could also ask for a referral from blendedfamilysoapopera.com.
Good luck in this difficult situation. I see it as a very good sign that you and your husband are doing couples work–even if you need to find a new counsellor, your husband is clearly committed to you and your marriage.
April 7th, 2010 at 9:15 am
Hello Wednesday,
I liked this article and I agree with you, albeit from a slightly different perspective. I am the first wife and mother (in fact the divorce is going through shortly) and my ex-husband now lives with the woman he had an affair with who is 18 years younger. She is trying very hard to be nice to my children but I don’t think they like her very much although they don’t say so to me.
I too often hear the mantra ‘put the children first’ and, like you, I don’t agree with it. I think that one should put one’s own self-respect and dignity first and only after that, the marriage and the children. Children learn by example and mothers who show that they are willing to subjugate themselves to others – even their own children – are not showing a good example. I want my girls to see that a woman is someone who is kind, loving, dignified but also strong and does not allow others to walk all over her. My ex-husband constantly talks about the well-being of the children, but strangely only when it coincides completely with his own self-interest. He has asked me to tell my children what a wonderful person his mistress is so that they will get on better but I say nothing and will continue to do so. My mother always said ‘if you don’t have something nice to say, say nothing at all’ and that’s precisely what I do.
I could degrade the other woman if I wanted to but I don’t because I don’t want her in my life, not even in my words or thoughts. I believe very firmly that happiness taken at the expense of someone else’s isn’t worth having. When my children mention her I say neutrally ‘fine’ or ‘OK’ and move on without saying anything negative. I try to behave in a way that I would like my daughters to behave should they find themselves in a similar situation.
So I agree with you when you say ‘…completely misinformed notion that the marriage has to come second when there’s been a divorce with kids, or the kids will be ruined for life…’ although I would add that above all one should remain true to oneself. I think we should have more confidence in children. Divorce in itself doesn’t ruin them although if it is handled badly this can have seriously negative consequences on them. What they need around them are loving parents (biological or step) who are pillars of honour and integrity, who live their lives well while respecting those around them. They do not need people who bend and twist themselves out of shape in an attempt to accommodate them.
April 7th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
You’re reply to Dale was brilliant!
My hubby always uses my ‘tone’ or tears as an excuse to avoid serious discussions.
No more – I robot!