His kids don’t like me!
Who, aside from me, remembers the academy award acceptance speech by Sally Field (for Norma Rae) which culminated in the cringe-inducing, much maligned exclamation, “You like me! You really, really like me!” as she cradled her Oscar and choked back tears?
All these years later Sally (doing ads for Boniva, a measure of just how long it’s been) has yet to live it down. She was mocked for her outburst, I think, because her triumphal cry sounded needy and self-satisfied at once. We hated her for wanting approval so badly–and for being so pathetically grateful once she got it. Her need and vulnerability made us mean. Her desire for love brought out our contempt. And her expressed satisfaction at having won it made us want to take it away. She gave the academy–and us–all the power. And for that, she earned our disdain.
I’m going somewhere with this, believe it or not. Sally couldn’t help herself. It was part of who she was–insecure–but it was just part and parcel of who she was. Because no one wants and needs love and approval, no one craves it, like women do. At work, at our children’s schools, at the places we volunteer, from out bosses and our underlings, women are constantly seeking approval, building coalitions, seeking consensus, trying to bring about agreement. Trying to be liked.
Our affiliative and relational tendencies work in our favor sometimes–we might use our personal connections to build our profile at the office; friendships can lead to help with childcare, emotional support, and countless other benefits. But just as often, these tendencies are self-defeating. Sometimes they even seem sick. Have you ever gone on one of those crazy websites like www.urbanbaby.com? The amount of hostility between women there is staggering, with exchanges so vicious that even a 20-year-veteran of New York City living like me has to seek cover. But what truly astonishes, upon closer observation, is the attempts to come to agreement, to bring other women to one’s side in the debate about who else on the site is a bitch. Women go on to post a question, it seems, and stay on in spite of heaps of abuse in order to build a bridge and connect–to someone they will likely never meet. Obsessively. For hours at a time. This is how strong the drive to build coalitions and engineer consensus, agreement, and good relationships is among women. So strong that we will do it for hours on end with nasty, perhaps even sociopathic total strangers on a web site!
From a stepmother’s perspective, the culture at large seems to have hooked into our drive to be liked, our need for approval, in sinister ways. For example, stepmother success is currently measured in an absurd way, one that remains mostly unexamined: a good stepmother = a stepmother whose stepkids like her.
This standard is ridiculous because stepmothering is not always, and perhaps not even usually, a two way street: being nice and making an effort ourselves is, it turns out, no guarantee. Indeed, Mavis Hetherinton and Marilyn Coleman and Larry Ganong found that it often backfires in a stepmother’s face, particularly if the kids are in a loyalty bind: the more attractive, appealing, and kind a stepchild in a loyalty bind finds his or her stepmother, the more forcefully he or she will reject her. And loyalty binds don’t just dissolve when kids get older. One woman told Hetherington about how she and her siblings mocked their stepmother behind her back for being nice and upbeat and “sucking up to us.” Presumably, if she were less warm and made less of an effort, they would criticize her for that, too.
Not all stepchildren are unkind to or contemptuous of their stepmothers once they have become adults, of course. And not all situations are so bad. But most stepmothers do struggle at some point, and many do so for years. The anecdote underscores a dynamic that the research on stepfamilies shows to be all to common: adult women acting like supplicants to their partner’s kids.
When will we stop giving his kids all the power–to make us not only good stepmothers but also good women and good people? When will we stop needing to be really, really liked, and bending over backwards to get there? I don’t know, but my prediction is that once we manage it, the balance of power will be reset in our households; our marriages or partnerships will get a shot in the arm; and our resentment of his kids will decrease dramatically.
Anyone reading this, and reading this far, is likely a person who has made an effort with her husband or partner’s kids because she’s decent. There is good reason to try. But there are equally good and important reasons to know when to draw the line. If the options are preserving one’s dignity at the cost of seeming “cold, ” or continuing to give undue amounts of power to someone uninterested or incapable of interpersonal reciprocity for whatever reason, we might consider the wisdom of learning to live with the misperception that we are somehow “wicked,” rather than continuing in a vein that is self-abnegating, self-defeating, and just plain pathetic.
Thankfully we are not all in a position where these are our only choices. But some of us are. Here, then, is a silent, secret mantra for anyone whose need for love and approval from a four year old or a forty year old stuck in a loyalty bind, or just stuck in a rut, is leaving her frustrated and resentful: “You don’t like me. You really, really don’t like me. And frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Tags: affiliative behavior, Larry Ganong, Marilyn Coleman, Mavis Hetherington, power imbalances in stepfamily, relational, stepchild hostility toward stepmother, stepchild resentment of stepmother, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, urban baby, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren, women's social behavior
September 8th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Wednesday, what an important message! A message that every human being needs to learn, that not everyone needs to like us, and so what if they don’t? If we don’t learn that, then we never truly “grow up”. My husband’s child didn’t like me for many years. My well meaning friends would say, “Don’t worry. Maybe when she grows up, it’ll change. I’m sure she’ll like you some day.” They would be shocked when I would reply, “Don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter, one way or another. My self-worth is not dependent on whether or not my “stepdaughter” likes me. If she does, great. If not, that’s okay. She didn’t ask for this situation. I’m not dependent on what she thinks of me for my happiness.” It’s really as simple as that. This philosophy extends to anybody in our life, including, gulp, our spouses. For me, it gets down to this…do I connect with myself? Do I love myself? Am I the one I depend on at the end of a long hard day?” Cuz, if I don’t connect with me, if I don’t like me, then I’m in a whole world of hurt. Great post Wednesday. And much needed words.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:12 am
This is something that I am guilty of (guilty? no… prone to) with not just my stepchildren but more so with my husbands family. Sometimes I feel very judged (whether its in my head or not, I’m not sure?) but I do find myself bending over backwards to be liked and understood - which is probably the main reason why I started my blog. I’m constantly feeling an urge to express everything, in attempt to get people to understand me better and not judge me and see that I’m a good person.
I should really, really (and I’ve known this for a while now) stop trying, stop caring so much what others think and just be me.
Funnily enough I have post prepared myself on this very subject coming up soon.
Thanks for another great post.
LBM xxxx
September 9th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Great message!!!
September 9th, 2009 at 8:51 am
AMEN! I’m to this point. I tried very hard for two years to get them to like and respect me. They don’t. And really I don’t give a damn anymore. I am kind, respectful, but I’m not putting it all out there anymore for it to be stomped down by children.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I think it is the combination of the children’s behavior and the perception of others (well meaning and not so well meaning friends) that pushes us into the corner of tryiing and trying even if we feel like fools. Wednesday, you emphasize it in your book but I think without a partner who is in our corner, it’s an impossible situation. I think not many people can relate or understand to our need to withhold in order to preserve who we are and protect our core
September 9th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I think that a lot of this is not just the stepmother wanting to be liked but wanting to be accepted and liked by others as La Belle Mere says. I’m dating/living with a father and I know I would like others in his circle to like me. But that’s MY issue — I have a problem being disliked by anyone (and who does?).
I might be seen by the kids as trying to “kiss up” to them and some of it is me trying to make sure that they have no reason to dislike me. OTOH, I know my BF has dropped the ball in making his house a home for them. I’ve been buying their favorite foods and drinks and installing a game system so they’d enjoy staying here along with basic girly stuff like razors, special shampoos. It’s a slippery slope from being nice and decent to trying to buy off kids, I know.
Truthfully, my joke has been “as long as they don’t hurt my pets, steal from my wallet or set the house on fire, I’m okay.” I can see that they are teenagers and I try not to take much of it personally. It helps seeing how they treat their own parents and it’s not much different. I still know enough about myself to be cautious and not overeager and quick to want them to like me. I’m just happy enough with how things are now. I also know that I’m probably not all that typical and I don’t have as much interaction as some of the other stepmothers do.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I’m a recent fan of your blog (was led here by your book, Stepmonster, which I SOOO related to) and I couldn’t agree more with this post. I think we’re all hard-wired in some way to think that having other people like us is important. After all, if we didn’t care what others thought of us then doesn’t that in some way make us societal outcasts? I’ve come to learn that it’s more important for me to be true to myself than to be liked, because sometimes people like us for all the wrong reasons. And sometimes being liked means giving up important core parts of myself just so people will approve of me. I’ve done that and the cost is too great. I try not to do that any more. It’s a struggle some days, but it’s worth it.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Dear A.,
You’re ahead of most of us here, having worked hard to need approval less. And it’s an interesting question you ask, about the line between being freed by caring less about the approval of others who just shouldn’t be put in a position to give it–and being a sociopath who just doesn’t care! The affiliative tendencies make us human but, in my opinion, are maladaptive for us in our current stepmothering environments many times! Most women will not need to worry about “not caring enough,” being hardwired–as you suggest–to care too much. Thanks for reading and commenting.
xx wednesday
September 9th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Hi Lori,
Thank you for the good laugh (”If they don’t steal from me, harm my pets, or set the house on fire, we’re okay). But in seriousness too, I think you’re onto something with the lowered expectations. Not just of the kids, but of yourself. It’s nice that you’re at once making an effort, and mindful of when it will be too much of an effort and begin to feel depleting or unreciprocated. I think knowing where that line is really helps in preventing burn out and stepmaternal depletion, not to mention resentment. Come back soon…wednesday
September 10th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Wednesday - Bravo! I wrote about something very similar earlier this week (”An Invitation to Change” on my blog)
It took me 40 years of living (and one year of fighting for my life) to become a RECOVERING people pleaser.
I remember a training call I was on a few years ago and the guest trainer said this (and I’m paraphrasing): You know 100 people (this makes the math easier for me). 98 of those people really like you. Two of them can’t stand you. Instead of growing your relationships with the 98 that darn near worship you, you focus your time and energy on the two that can’t stand you because you really want them to like you.
At the time that I heard this, there was one person that hated my guts: my exhusband. And I didn’t understand why. We were married for 19 years, we had two kids together…but there I was, trying to make peace, extending olive branches, blah blah blah. And then the training I listened to made sense. And I stopped. I stopped trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip. I stopped wasting my time and energy on someone who hated me and quite frankly, I wasn’t all that keen on either.
It’s a bonus that my stepkids like me. That my husband’s family likes me. That his ex-wife’s family likes me. But I don’t go out of my way to “make them like me.” I am who I am - if you like me, GREAT. If you don’t, well, that’s ok, too. (And if you hate my guts, I’m totally fine with that!)
xo
Peggy
September 10th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Thanks for the response. I plan to keep reading. Us stepmoms need more folks out there like you who are realistic about what the role involves.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Peggy,
I absolutely love your guest trainer’s comment–we ruminate and ruminate on the 2%, how well said. I’m glad you decided to put your energies where you have rather than trying to engineer peace with someone who didn’t want it. Love having your perspective here, as usual. Be well and come back soon, xx wednesday
September 24th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I am newer to “stepmotherhood” and am just starting to reach out to the blog world for support and insight. And I whole-heartedly believe in this truth. Luckily, my stepson is only 5 and even though he is definitely in the midst of a loyalty bind, he is also young enough to see the truth in people. And as a result, despite his mom’s attempts, we get along fairly well. But I do find myself trying to please my inlaws to no end. When I was first introduced they would slip all the time and call me by the ex’s name, talk endlessly about how wedding no.1 was, how they pampered her at baby showers, etc. And not only did this deeply hurt to hear, it also drove something deep into me that I WOULD gain their approval, and not only that but their love. And even though I have spent so many hours upset by the ex, truly I want her to like me. And I know that no matter what she never will and that makes me want her to like me that much more. Weird isn’t it. And she has actually asked my husband why I don’t like her?!?! It is the most wonderful and simultaneously hard thing to be a woman!
September 25th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Hi Sarah,
You don’t need to gain your in-laws approval, they should gain yours. And it looks like so far they have not. Do you plan on having children? Will they spoil you with a nice baby shower? When in-laws treat you second best and ignore how their words and actions can make you feel, it can give you an out. That out is avoidance. You know how you and your spouse have to take turns at eachothers families homes for holidays, etc? Just go to your own families for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, Easter, etc…….
September 25th, 2009 at 8:47 am
My husband and I do have a daughter (1 yr old). And I can’t say they haven’t been supportive, they have. But its always with this attitude of “Well you know how much we did for son and his first wife and we just can’t do all that for you.” I honestly don’t think they do it to be mean or even rude. I think they are as self-centered in this mess as we all tend to become in disaster. They mourn their lost money that they invested in the marriage, they mourn the grandchild they are allowed very little access, they put in so much work to impress my husbands ex-wife and her family (which only value the materialistic heap of crap that “fills” up their lives) and I understand their resulting feeling of loss and their own selfish focus in all this. I come from a family where divorce is not a way of dealing with problems. The marriages in my family are far from perfect, but I was always taught that you choose to love, and that committment is forever. But my husbands parents have both been remarried and are very familiar with the scenarios that develop from blended homes. I don’t blame my inlaws. But even though I realize their point of view is just different from mine, I still want to be their favorite. I want them to praise the day I came into son’s life. I want that approval. Honestly, from everyone, I DO care what people think. Thats the true heart of the mess.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I am glad that you referenced the Sally Field speech. I loved that speech. I thought it was hilarious. I totally thought that she was doing a parody of her past slew of acting jobs like Gidget. I also saw it as psuedo-embodiment of the Norma Rae character in a way, too. “Can you believe little ‘ol me did this?”
When the reaction to the speech was, as you described, I was shocked.
As a stepmother, hopefully with a sense of humor, I actually quoted that speech a lot.
When I first became a stepmom, 12 years ago, sometimes the kids wouldn’t even say good morning or hello or good-bye to me. I’d always say it for them as they passed through the room. Over time they began to give me little responses. When they were out of sight but the others were present I would grab my heart and swoon, “He likes me! He really, really likes me!”
It made everybody laugh. Of course, they were 9, 7 and 5 years old so I don’t think they got the Sally Field reference!
To this day when the kids give me a nice little greeting we all kind of grin. We all know that it is their little gift to me!
“They like me! They really, really like me!”
http://www.stepmotherinthesuburbs.blogspot.com
October 5th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Denise,
You sound like you have a stepmother’s best weapon in your arsenal–a great sense of humor. Clearly it got you through some rough moments. Thanks for reading, for commenting, and for the link to you blog. Looks great.
xx wednesday