Elizabeth Saitta, Artist
The wedding dress--an overdetermined signifier for those of us who marry a man with children
Her relationship with her husband and her relationship to stepmotherhood has informed Elizabeth’s work–which I love for its amazing fusion of the ethereal, the representational, and the symbolic–in fundamental ways. For her MFA thesis show (www.massartedgrad.org), she put together a powerful and thought-provoking group of works in a number of media–ink on paper and cheesecloth, wood, recycled aluminum, plaster. She’s better at discussing her work than I am so I will let her descriptions of this first piece, “Reality” (a repeated and fading image of a wedding dress) speak for themselves.
Elizabeth on “Reality” (ink on paper, 2008):
Ahhh yes….the wedding dress. Since I was about 9, I have thought and thought and thought about what my dress would look like, who I would marry, how many kids I would have, where I would live. I had so many expectations and I really believed they would all come true. The dress was my great-aunt’s. She gave it to my mom and my mom gave it to me. The dress represents the expectations of marriage that are so often handed down from generation to generation. I was happy and willing to buy into those expectations. And that is one of the things which has made it hard for me to come to grips with my situation sometimes. Things I thought I would have I will never have. I will never have a husband who has only said, “I do” to me. I will never be able to say that my husband is my husband and mine only. It is all too painfully tattooed in my mind and soul that my husband was another woman’s husband for 10 years. Sometimes that hurts me so badly, I can hardly breathe. Even just thinking of my wedding day – we went to Vegas and got married – just the two of us – I see the complication that exists when part of a step family. I wore a black shirt and shorts. No dress. And while I know it was the right decision for me and I would not have done it any other way being in the situation I’m in, it still leaves me with some pain.
I wanted to get married that way, because I wanted that day to be about my husband and me. I knew if we did a big, traditional wedding, the day would no longer be about the two of us, it would be about the four of us…me, my husband and his daughter and son. It would not have been the two of us standing up there, it would have been all four of us, pledging to be the “perfect” family. And I was not willing to sacrifice my wedding day. I would sacrifice the dress, the cake, the dancing…and I’ve continued to sacrifice a lot for my husband and my step kids….but I would not sacrifice that. Even now as I write this, I’m thinking, “Does this make me a horrible person? If someone read this, would they think I am a witch?” And you know, yes, there would be some who would think that…but oh well. They are not me and they do not know what I go through on a daily basis.
The only regrets I have are in regards to my family. I know I hurt my mom and dad very much, by going and getting married without them and as I sit here, my eyes well up, knowing I caused them pain. But I had to do what was right for me and I see now how much I have to do that as a stepmom – I am always fighting and nudging to get myself heard and make myself matter. That is why the dress in this piece fades. My reality is not the expectations of my great aunt or my mother. That can be equal parts painful and liberating.
Tags: Elizabeth Saitta, Massachusetts College of Art and Design Thesis Show, Reality, stepmother, stepmotherhood, stepmothering and artistic process, woman with stepchildren
October 21st, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Thank you so much for this, something truly different and got me thinking.
My own wedding was a mess. My husband’s daughter who was 17 at the time cried through the whole thing and wouldn’t speak to me at the reception. A difficult day and hard for me to let go of my resentment after. Luckily for me I have a husband who understands. He said I was a trooper to put up with so much drama at the wedding. We renewed our vows at ten years and it was just the two of us, believe me!
Thank you for this. I love it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Wow, I have never heard anyone speak out loud about that aspect of the wedding day. I too, thought it would have been wonderful to go away and be married just the two of us. If it had just been the older two kids, I’d have done it in a minute. But, the youngest could not be excluded. Even by then, the three of us had forged a mini-family within the bigger family. So, we had the big day, and the kids did stand up with us, in a non-traditional format. I loved that my oldest stepson stood on my side and my stepdaughter and youngest stepson stood by their dad. For some reason, I was very comforted that it was not my stepdaughter beside me, that would have felt weird. I promised to respect them and support the relationship they had with their dad. That felt okay to me, not to try to be their mom or that we’d all be a big family. I don’t know if they noticed the distinction, but we did. Also, I should say, my husband was really clear that it was OUR day and we didn’t leave one another’s side for about two hours of the 3-hour wedding/reception. We stayed glued together and later split up to mingle with others. It made a huge difference to me that he was so excited and showed it.
But, I get it, and also the urge to re-do vows at 10 years. That will likely mean a lot to me. It will just be the two of us at that point. Perfectly fitting.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Thanks for your thoughts here Kim and Dorie. I have heard many stories like Dorie’s–it can be very disappointing that the very day that means so much to you is so upsetting for his kids. I’m glad Dorie that your husband gave you props for putting up with that at your wedding. What a guy!
Interesting how you guys did it Kim, and glad to hear it felt true to what you wanted.It makes such a difference to have a supportive, loving husband who understands that his kids aren’t perfect and that stepfamily life is going to be tough sometimes for everyone–but particularly his wife. The guys who get it are sweethearts and have all my admiration.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I’ve been married 3 years. They were very hard, drama filled years. My husband’s ex would not give up her “rights.” After reading Elizabeth’s story, I am glad that I at least have a beautiful wedding to remember with family and friends.
No, I did not include the kids other than let them be in the wedding party. They did not help us cut the cake, I did make vows with them, etc. Perhaps because they were teenagers and I thought they were too old to Mother. I had hoped to be a friend, role model, mentor, etc. I did not expect to be Mom.
I think this was a very good decision now. The wedding was about us. It’s not just the step kids who will try to “steal” your wedding. Your Mom, your friends, etc., will all make well meaning comments about what your wedding should be like. I did understand that for just that one day, “it is all about us!” Too bad if others don’t like the dresses, decor, etc.
Kudos to any bride who does her wedding “her way.” I encourage all step mom’s to be princess for the day. That is what a wedding should be like…the brides one big moment to shine however she chooses.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
Mimi,
What a wonderful point about how everyone has an opinion and unfortunately many times and agenda about other people’s weddings! It certainly can be stressful for the bride and groom regardless of what their family structure is or will be.
Smart, too, to let teens be teens and give them and yourself that space not to try to be excessively parental.
Thanks for reading, and for commenting,
wednesday