Stepmoms, What was YOUR wedding like?
For women marrying or partnering with men with kids, the wedding or commitment ceremony can get complicated. Some women like Elizabeth Saitta (see post below) and I elope to keep it simple–while others go for the whole shindig. I get emails every week from women asking, “Do I have to invite my husband’s ex to the wedding?” and “What if his kids have a meltdown?”
How did you handle your wedding or commitment ceremony? How did it go? Would you do it differently if you could do it again?
A wedding or commitment ceremony isn't always simple--especially when he has kids and an ex!
Tags: blended family, Elizabeth Saitta, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepchild, stepmonster, stepmother, wedding, wednesday martin
October 21st, 2009 at 8:31 pm
SD was our flower girl, but nothing more. No special “stepfam” ceremony, no sand ceremony or whatever. It wasn’t about SD, nor was it about “family,” per se; it was about Hubby and I. We didn’t include our hypothetical future kids, so I don’t see any reason to have included SD.
And certainly not BM. Gross. We didn’t even tell her we were getting married; it’s hardly any of her business.
October 21st, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Personally I really dislike this whole idea of “when you marry him you’re also marrying his kids and his ex.” Um, nope, I’m not. I’m marrying him.
My stepdaughter, 14 at the time, DID make a big bid for attention right as the ceremony was getting started (I won’t say how for privacy reasons) that I didn’t even know about until much later because my husband’s parents told her to pipe down and be respectful or else. I”m lucky I guess!
October 21st, 2009 at 11:26 pm
What a great topic Wednesday! Lila, I can identify with your post. We’ve now been married for 28 years!! When we married , our blended teenage sons were 18, 17, 14, 13, 13(twins). The rabbi looked at this brood and during the ceremony said that we’d need a good sense of humor dealing with 5 teenage boys. It turned out he was so right, one of my SS’s was high on drugs at the wedding and had to be sent home by his grandmother. Despite all of the drama, it was a really fun and together day. I never thought of eloping to Vegas. And during the months after the wedding we did have to deal with ss’s drug issues. Stepmonster was immediately put to the limit seteting test. More another time. I’m posting on your website because my sons and ss’s are all on facebook and I don’t want them to read my stuff on stepmonstering.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:21 am
My stepkids were included in our wedding as part of the wedding party (stepsons were the groomsmen, stepdaughter was the flower girl) but the ceremony was about just me and my husband.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:54 am
We didn’t do any special ceremony for the blending of the family, but I did want my stepkids to be in the wedding. My stepdaughter (9 at the time) was my flower girl and my stepson (4 at the time) was supposed to be a ring bearer, but he didn’t want to walk in front of all of the people so he decided to sit by grandma at the last second. All was well — everything turned out fine.
In fact, my stepson is responsible for the most hilarious family story we have to date — at the wedding, he kept hearing people talking about “the toast.” When the waiters brought out bubbling refreshment and everyone was told to raise a glass for toasts, he yells at the top of his lungs…”THAT’S NOT TOAST!!!!!!!!!”
We’ve turned “That’s not Toast” into our family motto when life hands us something we didn’t want.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:26 am
SD then 11 was DH’s “best girl”, and stood beside him and his best man for the ceremony. She read a short poem during the ceremony, and sang a song at the reception. We gave her a necklace during the reception also, but other than that, she was not “included” in our vows. No blending stuff here either. I was marrying her dad, not her, and definitely not BM. SD still felt included for sure, she picked her dress, helped with the venue, the favors and the centerpieces, and gave her opinion on her flowers as well. I did not want her to feel left out, but I wanted it to be a wedding between my husband and I first and foremost.
It all went really well, in the end. She had a great day and so did we.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:27 am
I was fascinated by the artists work and statement. And by the range of our experiences. I think I had some initial sadness when thinking about the wedding, that his would not be his first time seeing his future wife walking down the aisle. He’s “been there, done that.”
It helped when people said, “this is really the bride’s day,” so I just had a fun living out my own childhood wishes about the dress and the ceremony and the details. We had a pretty normal traditional ceremony with a brief mention of the kids in the script. We decided together that his son (11 years at the time) would be the best man and his daughter (9 years) would be my maid of honor (with just my niece as a flowergirl and no other attendants). I certainly chose her to make my husband happy, but I never really struggled with it too much. My only regret having his daughter be my maid of honor is that she really wasn’t able to help me that day — I couldn’t expect a 9 year old to anticipate what I needed like a friend would. So I had to ask for some extra help — eg during the ceremony I had to ask my mom to fix my crumpled dress as step-daughter just wasn’t tuned into it. The kids did ask if we would invite their mom, and I had a moment of panic when I thought my husband might want to do so. But he said absolutely not.
I’m one of the lucky ones with a bio mom who is actually supportive of me as stepmom. She even gave us a wedding present from our registry. She is happily remarried herself (which helps SO much). My guess isshe was relieved to not have her ex-husband be a single dad anymore — I personally think she didn’t fully trust him with the kids and decided she could trust me. Believe it or not, she had her kids call me this past year on Mother’s Day to wish me a happy mother’s day. I couldn’t believe it. I thanked her later, and she said she is also a stepmom (with her new husband) and knows how it feels. So I guess I “won” the jackpot for biomoms, if you can actually feel like you win anything as a stepmom! We aren’t friends or anything, but we are always polite and friendly.
Reading your book made me appreciate my situation a lot more, even while it is REALLY hard and sometimes I am like, did I really sign up for this? I grew up watching The Sound of Music and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, thinking being a stepmom like that would be awesome. Well. Now I know a little better. Sorry so long!
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:32 am
My SS was 9 when we got married, and was a co-Best man, because he was a little old to be a ring barer, plus we weren’t having a flower girl. Up until a few days before the wedding he kept saying he didn’t want to stand up in front of “all those peope” and he didn’t want us to get married. We dated for 4 1/2 years before we got married, so it wasn’t like we rushed into this and shocked him. He eventually came around, and now he says he wishes we would get married again because he had so much fun. He also pretended to lose the wedding ring and slapped at his pockets for a minute. All in all the wedding was about my husband and I, there was no special changes to the ceremony to include the Kid, and I think it worked out great.
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:22 am
Sally,
Lord! That story of SS being high at the wedding takes the wedding cake! Sorry, Sally, and glad to hear that it was, as you say, a fun day anyway. Thanks for reading and commenting. xx w
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:24 am
Amy,
When mom is easing their loyalty binds, you are home free, practically! I am glad to hear that it is going well for you and that it started off with such a nice ceremony. As you say, great that those around you were acknowledging “this is really the bride’s day.” Of course it is, and it sounds like you balanced that with his kids in a way that worked for you all. Thanks for commenting and come back soon. xx w
October 22nd, 2009 at 10:29 am
Hi,
I will say I guess I’m the wickedest one here, sigh. I really didn’t want anyone but me and my husband and our friends. The kids were really in phase of being angry about the marriage (guess who they aimed the anger at? hint: not their dad!) and my now-husband’s ex was in a rage. Tho they had been divorced over ten years! So in the end we just said, let’s not tempt fate and let’s not set ourselves up for fireworks. I would have been stressed having a big wedding because believe me between the kids and hte ex someone would have felt they HAD to make a scene. We got married by a lake by a justice of the peace. It was beautiful and all about us. After the kids weren’t mad but they STILL like to tease me: “Oh you should have had a big white wedding, it would be fun.” I think they’ve forgotten the bad feelings and mostly so have I. Maybe a big party for our 20th anniversary!
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:26 am
Geena,
I think there is a range here, a wide range, of how inclusive we feel like being, and how much we want to emphasize just the couple bond. And as you suggest, I think it has to do with whether we’re feeling besieged or supported as we consider heading down the aisle. A ceremony and all the attendant pressures can bring out the worst fears in the kid and the ex and us, I know, but it sounds like you made it work and had a lovely ceremony. Here’s looking forward to your 20th…wednesday
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Last November when my husband and I were married. His son very happily stood with the groomsmen and was part of the party in his 16-year-old way. His daughter (19) agreed to be a bridesmaid and then abruptly refused to be in the wedding or to even attend. Our marriage is about us and not the stepkids but our life includes them very much so. It did hurt and still does to know that his daughter refused to be present on that day.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
My SS who was 31/2 at the time was best boy, but didn’t really have a specific part. My SD was 7 and she was the flower girl. The day of the wedding, I was getting dressed and DH’s half-sister (who had picked up the kids from BM’s and was taking them to the venue) stopped in and said to me “I think the kids are okay with this.” I was speechless.
Later, when we had finished with the ceremony and were entering the reception hall, she stopped me again and said “BM is really okay with this.” I was so upset and pissed off! That was not the time or the place. I have never forgotten this.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Wednesday, I guess I never told you about the wedding until today. It’s good that you bring up the topics that you do…they serve to jar my memory. This topic is really an important one. xox
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Dear A.,
Boy that would have TICKED me off as well. What a busy body. There’s nothing like a remarriage with children to bring the busybodies out of the wood work. Who asked them, anyway?? And who the hell talks about BM’s feelings about the bride’s wedding to the bride on the her wedding day? Only a clod. I hope one day she just reminds you of Mrs. Kravis on Bewitched and you can laugh about her meddling ways. Until then, you have my sympathies, and all my good wishes for your marriage.
Come back soon, xx wednesday
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Aiieeee, I made a lot of mistakes. DH’s son, then 8, was very, very upset that we were marrying (need I mention BM’s reaction?). We did our very best to try to win him over, which was probably exactly the wrong thing to do. I even wrote SS, then 8, into my part of the vows, adding “and I take your son, XXX, as my family.”
Our wedding was tiny, and SS held the rings. I still cringe when I look at the pictures to see how anxiously we both turned to him right after the ceremony to see how he was doing, instead of focusing on each other and the moment. We even let SS “help” us cut the cake (yes…the three of us holding the knife…).
And unfortunately, SS has never accepted us as a family, despite our efforts. Nearly 11 years later, my husband and I are happy and content with one another–but secretly when I think of those vows I made to “take” stepson…I have to admit that I consider myself “divorced” from them (doesn’t that take the “wicked” cake?).
October 24th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Kathy,
Look, at the very least, in retrospect you don’t have to kick yourself and say, “Maybe the reason he’s keeping his distance all these years is that I didn’t reach out to him from the very beginning and he felt shut out of our wedding.” Really what matters is that your marriage works. Even if your stepson doesn’t want to be part of your lives, you are doing a wonderful thing in showing him that partnerships can last. He might surprise you and come around. And he might never come around. There’s such a wide range of responses, particularly for a kid whose mother is negative about her ex remarrying. Kudos to you and your husband for making it work. xx wednesday
October 24th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Thanks Wednesday!
The funny thing–but I think not untypical–is that BM had already been remarried for over two years when we married. And she’s still married, so SS has seen both of his parents settled into long marriages. I think it proves what you quote Mavis Hetherington as reporting–that women tend to be much more upset than men are when their exes remarry, and unfortunately, children are very influenced by that.
On a slightly different topic, wouldn’t it be interesting to try to figure out what the characteristics of remarriages are, that DON’T fall prey to the somewhat UNencouraging statistics (high divorce rate for second marriages). Marriages with a stepmother, that is. For example, I wonder whether it correlates with eventually working out a positive relationship of some kind with her stepchildren…hasn’t been my particular experience, but I wonder…
October 26th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
My husband and I got married on the beach in Mexico. It was absolutely beautiful! We would have loved for my stepson (7 at the time) to be in our wedding, but his mother wouldn’t even allow him to attend. My son (also 7 at the time) was in the wedding, however, and he was very excited about us getting married. The only thing I would’ve changed is that I would have wanted my stepson there. That being said, we weren’t changing our plans because his mother wouldn’t allow him to come at the very last minute.
Kela
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
October 26th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
While we haven’t gotten married yet, the day’s quickly approaching. My fiance and I decided to take off to Vegas, but it was important to him that he have his three children there and standing with him. His two boys will be standing with him while his daughter (as well as my sister) will be standing with me. We’re not going to have any special ceremonies or vows – I think it’s enough that the kids will be up there with us. Besides – as many people have said – the marriage is between him and I. I’m not marrying either of his sons or his daughter.
We’ll see how it goes!
October 27th, 2009 at 2:11 am
We got married without DH’s children 11 years ago, after a relationship of 6 years. It had been my wish to run off and get married, just the 2 of us, on a beach, but DH’s mother put pressure on to include her Had we not included her this would have resulted in DH being disinherited (ridiculous, I know), so we had a small wedding with a few friends and DH’s mother and brother. By this time we were living on a different continent to stepchildren, and the rest of the family, and quite frankly I did not want anyone attending who did not wish us well in our marriage. Stepchildren were very resentful and pre-marriage when we were living in same town as stepchildren and bitter “ex”, I experienced all the usual negative stuff . I didn’t want them there to spoil the day, my husband understood! BTW, today, 17 years after I met their father, they are still resentful towards me, although I’ve really only seen them for a few weeks per year during their annual visits to us. We also only had them visit us one at a time because we found that to be more manageable. We now have 3 children of our own. DH’s children are adults. I also feel like Kathy – “divorced” from them. I feel that if it hasn’t worked between us by now, if they still can’t accept me after 17 years, then it’s never going to happen. However, it’s been wonderful to come across this website and read about the striking similarities in the stepmother experience.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I love reading all these comments! We had a super small wedding (I’m shy) and gave The Kid the option of attending. He said he didn’t want to because he didn’t want to upset his mom. About two weeks before the wedding, he told his mom he really wanted to come (she didn’t know about the wedding prior to the comment, because we were afraid she was try to trash the day). She said he could and so he was the best man. I have never seen a more genuine smile on his face than the one in our wedding pictures. It was only as the day went on that he started to get tired and anxious about getting home, because he knew he was going to get grilled about the day. He missed the cake, but we saved him a piece and he ate it the next time he came over. The only thing I would have done differently is have someone else drop The Kid off to his mother. Halfway through our lunch, my husband had to leave for an hour to drop his son off. I was surrounded by great company and lots of love, but it still bothered me that he had to see her on our wedding day.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Eyes Wide,
Well, that says it all! The Kid’s emotional ups and downs, highs and lows, and ambivalence–and hubby needing to leave midday and see his ex-wife on your wedding day. Modern life is just too weird sometimes. I have always been upfront with my husband about my very primitive, deep blocks about sharing. Stepfamily life has really brought them out for me!
That’s why I understand the impulse to elope. But I am so interested to see the range here–and have unwittingly discovered how much women love to talk about their weddings! Thanks for reading and commenting, and please come back soon.
xx wednesday
October 27th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Annesa,
Thanks to you and Kathy for introducing me to the concept of feeling “divorced” from his kids. I have a feeling this will be a very important thing for me to be thinking about and could helpful for lots of women to explore.
I will think it over and try to post something. Meanwhile, I would love to read any additional thoughts you might want to share on the topic.
all best, and thanks for reading, wednesday
October 27th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I have two grown children and my husband had two teenage children when we were married almost 3 years ago. I was not very interested in having a wedding. We both had been married before so why? To me, the ceremony wasn’t important. But my husband never had a wedding. He and BM eloped because her parents were fighting so much about who would attend their wedding. Hello? This should have been a tip off for me.
So wanted to give my husband the wedding he never had. While planning, I was surprised at how excited my daughters were to help. So, I really got into it and went all out. The week before the wedding, his son wanted to not be in it (he was the best man.) His daughter, nasty and petulant from day one, was not interested at all. She was one of my brides maids but refused to participate and looked unhappy the entire day. I was so happy, I barely noticed.
I look back at the pictures and amazed. How could I have not noticed her grimace in every photo except a few family shots where she managed a strained smile? It was certainly a sign of things to come.
But back to the wedding. What would I do differently? Maybe marry a man without kids?? I love my husband but I certainly didn’t need to vastly spoiled children set out to destroy our marraige because BM (whom he divorced 13 years before I met him) was crying hysterically that I stole her family. Did I mention she has two children with a subsequent boyfriend?
The wedding itself was magical for both my husband and I. He is very sweet and sentimental and I was glad to give him that gift. I was glad my daughters, friends and family shared in the event. I am even glad I didn’t notice the anger and hostility of his daughter which might have marred the day for me.
I wish I had been more prepared for marrying a man with children but then again, maybe I wouldn’t have done it. I have the worlds best husband and we are committed for life (uhmm, or we wouldn’t have made it this far) but it was definately a bumpy right those first terrible two years.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I got married a year ago October. It was my first wedding, and my DH considered it his first “real” wedding (his first was a shot gun wedding at the justice of peace). We had a band, food, about 150 friends and family. My SS then 4 was the ring bearer. He did really well, but we had family members waiting in the wings in case the pressure got to be too much for the little guy. None of the ex’s family was there. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It was primarily about my husband and I, but SS was as involved as a 4 yo. could be.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Wednesday – when I married Richard, I married the love of my life. He had the wedding with all the trimmings with his first wife. I did not. And it meant so much to have my dad walk me down the aisle. So we had a wedding with all the trimmings. My bridesmaids were my two daughters and my two stepdaughters. My maid of honor was my step sister. My flower girl was my niece. The best man was Richard’s ex-wife’s oldest brother. Two groomsmen were another brother and her step brother. Two more were my oldest stepson and one of my brother’s. Our ring bearer was Junior…my youngest stepson.
Yes…Richard’s ex was invited to the wedding. My ex was not (my family would have hanged me). His ex missed the wedding but showed up at the reception (she got stuck behind a car accident). Her parents and stepparents are in my extended family photographs as is my own stepmom (I have two, but stepmom #1 is MOM).
I’ve heard that Richard’s ex cried at our reception. I was pretty much oblivious to the actions of others, but her mom confirmed that she did cry because in her 17 year marriage to Richard, she never had what I have with him. She finally saw the man that I saw right from the start.
I look back at my wedding scrapbook and realize what a fabulous day of celebration it truly was. I have pictures of our six kids dancing together in a big circle. My youngest daughter leading the conga line…my oldest stepson and my oldest daughter laughing together…and all four girls goosing each other in the family photos. The older adult kids all get along – it’s just Junior they (and we) have issues with (because he’s The Wild Thing).
October 29th, 2009 at 8:03 am
We included our children, I have a son then 16 and he has three children 10, 8 and 3 at the time and we included them in everything, they were our only attendents, we had the sand ceremony to unite our two families, it was a true blending and at the reception we had a blast, the kids requested songs and danced with us, they had sparkling cider, my son even helped feed my husband cake, it was all in fun! The kids had a great time but did have a couple of meltdowns prior and a lot had to do with their mom and feeling sad for her that she hasn’t met anyone yet, which is understandable. The youngest played with his cars during the ceremony but when it came time for him to pour sand with my son and I he was right there, it was a truly joyful day and NO I did not invite my husbands ex, if I were her I wouldn’t have wanted to be there and I feel that it only makes the children more uncomfortable.
December 11th, 2009 at 12:45 am
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January 10th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
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Mother Son Wedding Songs
June 11th, 2010 at 11:54 am
I am reading these comments with interest. I am getting married in three months. Just having a very small wedding with about 30 close family. My teenage children are fine with the wedding, but his two college age daughters are essentially estranged from him at this point. The oldest only calls him for money and this has been for years. It seems that the younger isn’t speaking with him really since I came into the picture several years ago. What litttle contact I have had was witness to them acting out their anger on their father and I am worried about inviting them to our small affair. I don’t want our wedding to be used as a forum for their venting against their father yet I do feel that if they are not invited that is wrong. Help?