What would YOU tell a woman who’s dating a guy with kids?
One of my favorite writer/researchers on stepmothering, Jacque Fletcher, is the special guest on radio show Single Again? Now What. At 6 pm tonight. Check it out at www.SingleAgainNowWhatRadio.com
He has kids. Now what?!
http://momstart.com/2009/10/guest-post-by-wednesday-martin-ph-d-he-has-kids-now-what/
Tags: dating, dating with kids, divorce, Jacque Fletcher, man with kids, momstart.com, stepmonster, stepmother, The Career Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man with Kids, wednesday martin
October 29th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Great article, Wednesday!
To add to a combination of points 3 and 6, – don’t usurp the man’s parenting (or lack thereof), or push him to do things he otherwise wouldn’t, because over time he’ll grow resentful of what you “made him do”, and/or you’ll grow resentful because all of your efforts are unwelcomed and unappreciated.
To add to point 6, don’t lose focus of your relationship with the man over time. I’m just recently discovering that my focus needs to be more on the two of us and our relationship and a whole lot less on his three kids, who are all adults now. I haven’t neglected him or our relationship but I’ve tried to be all emcompassing of him and the kids at all times and it just doesn’t need to be that way, especially since, as adults, there is less involvement with them.
My last suggestion is point 4. I sometimes think women see what they want to see, instead of what actually is, and then we get caught up in fixing, correcting or putting up with things we otherwise wouldn’t, for the sake of being in a relationship. I can’t stress enough that we need to pay attention to the clues, and accept them for what they are, and perhaps move on, instead of trying to find ways to overcome or ignore them.
Katherine
October 29th, 2009 at 9:23 am
If a friend came to me and asked for advice on dating a man with kids, I think the first thing I would say is, everyone’s experience is different. Just reading the responses to the “wedding” post, although we share some common experiences and feelings, our experiences are also varied in some respects. But, for me, I have found that the number one requirement is that you love your husband….first and foremost. The fact that I got to know my husband and truly love and respect him for who he is, that is what makes all of the “hard stuff” bearable. I agree with Katherine when she says that sometimes “women see what they want to see, instead of what actually is.” You have to be sure you really love and respect the man first (and he love and respect you as well). I would walk to the ends of the earth for my husband, so dealing with some of the painful parts of being a stepmom is doable.
I also think honesty with your spouse and yourself is key. You have to be honest with your feelings and share those with your husband. His reactions can speak volumes. And you have to be honest with yourself – that it may not be easy, but that you don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself to “be” something you don’t feel comfortable being. The stepfamily can be what you make it and it can take a variety of different forms.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Liz,
Very helpful insights about how stepfamilies can take shape in different ways. I wish more people understood that, rather than starting from a concept of how a stepfamily “should” be. I couldn’t agree with you more about the couple bond being so important. As I was researching Stepmonster, so many women told me that with a husband’s support, it was possible to tolerate nearly anything stepfamily life dished out, but without that support, the littlest thing would sink the ship.
Thanks for reading and come back soon,
wednesday
October 30th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Thanks Katherine,
And boy I could have used your advice years ago about not pushing my husband to do things my way! Knowing when the step back would have saved me a lot of aggravation. But as you say, with a strong couple bond, you move forward rather than getting stuck in the anger.
xx wednesday
November 6th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Look for more comments on this post on my facebook fan page.
xx wednesday
December 10th, 2009 at 8:05 am
What would YOU tell a man who’s dating a woman with kids? Even with the best match where the kids take a shine to either Mum or Dads new partner, i think it’s fair to say there will come a time when the ole, “You’re not my real Mum. YOU can’t tell ME what to do!’ will rear it’s ugly head. This is especially the case with younger children. I take my hat off to anyone who gets involved, but just remember this; when you start a new relationship with a parent, it’s not just about you and the other half, but the whole new family unit.