How Did/Do You Handle Teen Tsuris??
Teens feel the imperative to separate--stepmothers frequently feel obliged to blend. Talk about a collision course!
It doesn’t matter if you don’t speak Yiddish–once your child or stepchild enters the teen years, you’re living the definition of tsuris!
Women with kids and women with stepchildren, I want to know: how did/do you handle typical teen tsuris, drama, and difficulty? What are YOUR best suggestions for surviving those years with your teen child or stepchild? Leave a comment, and thanks!
November 8th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I try to ignore it. And it’s not working. I’m so resentful of my 15 yo SD! She’s so self-absorbed, so inconsiderate, so selfish. Any advice greatly appreciated!!
November 10th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Okay, so I did it, and, about time, according to many of my neighbors, friends, even my husband. I could not have written this email on Friday, so I didn’t comment here sooner. I’ve been married 3.5 years, in the kids life for 5.5. “Kids” are 21, 19, 14.
I’ve been silent for most of those 5+ years, trying to ignore inappropriate kid behavior and not being successful, seething inside and bugging my husband about what I think needs to change, telling him when I think the kids have been disrespectful, etc. After all, all the books say to leave the discipline and managing of their behavior to the biological parent, especially since we are the non-custodial parents. Well, let’s just say, my husband and I have never really fought until this year. And, I think I was close to a breaking point. I felt so very misunderstood and unheard and abandoned. I have been depressed and more depressed.
Had a good long chat with myself last week. I was reading Izzy Rose’s book and loved her word of a “pod” of people, instead of a family. That and one of Wednesday’s recent posts about the sooner the stepmother quits being a doormat . . . sooooooo, I did it.
On Saturday, my 21-year-old stepdaughter was chatting away and I asked her, “so can you help clarify for me, what should I make of it when I send you a photo/text and you don’t respond.” Long story short, she had a lame excuse and in front of her dad and her brother, I called “BS” and told her she was sending a very negative message. She used her lame excuse again, of not being very good at responding. and I said, BS, again because she was responding to her friends while we were talking. I think she got the point and she was more respectful the next day.
Then, the next day when all the kids were here for lunch and when it was time to sit down, I said, “Okay everyone, get out your cell phone and set it right beside your plate so you have it really handly and you can get to it immediately in case someone needs you.” They were all staring at me, we’ve asked them a MILLION times to NOT text at the table, and they ignore it. No one took their phone out and only one time did someone look at their phone, but she did not return the text.
Later, same day, middle SS, 19, was trying to make something happen on-line and it’s not working and he starts swearing, and I told him to stop and if he wanted to swear, he could go outside. He stopped. They were all looking at me, surprised.
My husband’s response, “It’s nice to hear your voice.” I said I agreed and that I was no longer mad at him. We both decided that was worth something. I’ve told him that I intend to keep gently, but firmly and consistently, calling them on their disrespect and that I need him to back me up. I asked him to please keep his disagreement to himself and we could talk about it later and if something I do is inconsistent with how we feel, I will come back to the kids and change it, but that I need his support in the moment.
It took 24 hours to take back my life and for the first time in my marriage, I feel like the woman-of-the-house. It was definitely “time.”
November 10th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Kim,
Wow. And interesting. I remember being advised by a therapist to stop back seat driving my husband regarding his kids’ behavior many years ago. I took that to mean Just shut up and be a doormat and objected. And the therapist explained that wasn’t what he meant at all–he meant to just matter of factly tell the kids x, y, or z myself, in a neutral, civil, but firm way. It didn’t come easy, and it sounds like your struggle was very similar!
So you’re feeling better and not so disempowered in your household iwth this one, simple change. Brava! When there are so many confusing messages and fears of seeming wicked, it’s hard to be even normally and healthily assertive in our own households. What a great outcome, which could only work with your husband supporting you as you say.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
xx wednesday
November 10th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Good for you, Kim! I personally know how difficult teenage stepkids can be (mine are all much older now). Bravo to you for taking charge of things for yourself and not depending on your husband to take on your cause. I didn’t do that until they got much older and I applaud your assertive move.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
A few weeks ago, my stepdaughter (16) wanted to use the printer, which is mine. She didn’t want to have to ask me to use it. She started on a rant of calling me a bitch, saying she hated me, telling me I was an asshole. My husband just stood there. Eventually, he ended up on the couch, begging her not leave the house and go back to her mothers. It was pathetic. My other stepdaughter (13) took down every picture in her bedroom that had anything remotely to do with me. Neither one of them will any of the clothes that were purchased by me or me and my husband jointly. Do you know why they are mad? Because my husband will not divorce me. I am so tired of hearing about the plight of the divorced child. Many of these kids are tyrants. I am so dreading the holidays.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Amy,
I can only imagine how frustrated and upset you must be by this state of affairs in your home! I have often written about the fact that post-divorce children often have tremendous and inappropriate amounts of power in the home. And relations between stepmothers and teen stepdaughters are the most difficult of all.
This is clearly the case in your home. Your husband’s failure to support you as your stepdaughters behaved in this way–and in fact his enabling of their disrespectful behavior through his unwillingness to draw a line–must have you feeling very discouraged. I would imagine that with the situation this charged, it is probably very difficult if not impossible to even have a discussion on the topic with your husband without it becoming explosive.
Have you tried counseling–with someone who really, truly understands and specializes in stepfamily issues and dynamics? You deserve an informed, sympathetic ear and sound advice! Please feel free to email me at this website address (wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com) if I can help make a referral. Or you can check the National Stepfamily Resource Center web site.
good luck and keep us posted,
wednesday