When and Why the Kids Don’t Come First
I would love your thoughts on my new piece on stepmothering for the Huffington Post: please post a comment!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wednesday-martin/when-and-why-you-shouldnt_b_343135.html
If the partnership gets shunted to the back burner whenever his kids are around, it's a recipe for resentment and martial/stepfamily tension
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, Huffington Post, marriage first, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepchild, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, wednesday martin
November 4th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
—I think its fabulous to have great relationships with our stepkids. However, we are still a role model and mentor that sometimes requires us not always to be their best friends either. I see stepmoms in a unique position to become protege’s to their stepkids. Placing the stepkids places the stepkids in the position for manipulation. I learned this the hard way myself when my stepdaughter told me everything her mother buys for her is “crap.” Following the motto that kids come first, I used to go out and buy her what I thought she “really” needed. Until one day, BM said that I bribe her kids. That was a “light bulb” moment for us all. SD was enjoying creating this rivalry of manipulation to get what she wanted from us all. This also caused problems in my marriage with BF as he wanted to know why I couldnt get along with BM? I realized that my marriage can only go as far as the childrens manipulation. They are more resiliant than we know or want to believe. So, its important, in my opionion to make your marriage #1 so that SD have a good example of a healthy marriage.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Hi Erin,
And thanks for this. Interesting how common the manipulation is. My experience is that kids are very canny about power, and whenever they sense that they can play mom off dad, or mom off stepmom, or dad off stepmom, etc., they will do so. This often happens when the relationship between dad and mom is conflictual, or when they do parallel parenting (which Hetherington found something like 80% of divorced couples do), and so it’s not easy to communicate with the ex.
It’s difficult to tolerate a stepchild behaving manipulatively for many of us. Kudos to you for recognizing it, giving it a name, and moving forward with a strategy to deal with it.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Dear Wednesday,
I really appreciate the candor with which you explore issues concerning stepmothers. This post was refreshing to read. As a childless stepmother of 6 plus years, I have been struggling with the role, and one of my major issues has been my inability to put my stepson first all of the time. It’s impossible to do that anyway, unrealistic, and even if I could do it (and be happy with it!), I can’t and haven’t been able to understand how the “divorced child comes first” mandate meshes with having my marriage be the primary relationship in the home. When I’ve voiced concerns about this unresolvable conflict, I have been branded selfish, petty, jealous, un-maternal, childish, etc, by my own family members, my husband’s ex, my husband and even some friends.
It’s been a huge relief to me to read your posts, and now, your book. For the first time in the 9 years that I’ve been with my husband I have found validation through your book, which I haven’t been able to put down since I got it a couple of days ago. I’m not crazy, I’m not “making a big deal out of nothing,” and it’s not all up to me to make this stepfamily work!!
I love that your insights on the complex role of stepmothers is backed up by research and data. I no longer feel so alone, and I’m not kicking myself any more either for supposedly having known what I was getting myself into when I married.
We have also been experiencing manipulation by my stepson (age 13), who for years has enjoyed immense power over the adults involved in this gig. (His parents do NOT communicate well and are constantly at odds with each other.) I have tried to point this out to my husband, who typically comes to his son’s defense with assertions that the son is “just a child” and therefore not capable of such machinations. Ha!
I’ve passed the Huff Post article onto my husband and as soon as I’m finished with your book, I’m hoping he’ll read that as well. It will be interesting to see how he responds to your insights!
Thanks again for your very powerful and long overdue explorations of stepmothers.
Best,
Lisa