10 Day Countdown—Tip #1 (and a request for YOUR tips, too…)
Don't forget yourself this holiday season!
Ten days until Christmas. But whatever you celebrate—Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something else—this is a high pressure season for stepfamilies.
There’s the financial pressure of the recession, first of all, which is wrecking emotional havoc on Americans according to an article in today’s New York Times . Stepfamilies may be feeling very particular, additional economic pressure and stress at holiday time. How to pay for kids not in residence to come to Dad’s house? How much to spend on presents? How to feel happy if you’re unemployed or staring financial uncertainty in the face—with two sets of kids to support, as many divorced dads are?
Then there’s the pressure to be “just like family” over the holidays. Owing to our cultural script about homemaking, women are often the designated Martha Stewarts in the partnership, so stepmothers may be feeling great pressure to engineer a Norman Rockwell aura this holiday season, in spite of realities like resentful or rejecting stepchildren and out-of-control ex-wives (yes, this problem also intensifies over the holiday season. If the shoe doesn’t fit, friends of mine who are wonderful mothers and ex-wives, then a double holiday blessing to you. Good to know you exist!) All this can lead a woman with stepkids to feel less than generous, and to fret about becoming polarized over his kids showing up (he’s dying to see them; she’s, in many cases, depending on the ages and temperaments of, and history with the kids, dreading it).
So today I’m starting my ten-day countdown. Every day, another tip, thought, or something-or-other to help take you into the New Year.
I’d like to hear your tips, too—whether for relaxation strategies, great gifts for yourself and other stepmoms/partners, fun holiday rituals, you name it—so please share and I’ll pick some to post over the next days.
10 Day Countdown Tip #1
You know how they say the best way to get your finances on sound footing is to always pay yourself—your savings account, that is—first? Today’s tip is to apply that same lesson to spreading holiday cheer and kindness and generosity. Give some to you.
Give or buy yourself a present as you’re making or buying for others. Stepmothers I interviewed for my book Stepmonster were far from the selfish bitches of fairy tales. They mostly had the opposite problem, just like the women in Kati Morrison and Airdie Thompson-Guppy’s 1985 Canadian study of depleted, depressed and anxious stepmoms: namely, being waaayyyy too selfless left them feeling burned out and hopeless, while increasing their resentment of their stepchildren and spouses.
Have you checked out Peggy Nolan’s (of a Stepmom’s Toolbox) thoughts about self care? It’s always nice to give yourself a little something, but it’s more than that. The self-care recommendation is clinically sound. We know that women with stepkids who do things and take time for themselves—including going to a movie by yourself, leaving the teen meltdown to your husband and retreating to take a bath, or just finding a quiet place to sit down and read a novel during the holiday ruckus—have better adjustment outcomes and happier partnerships.
Self-care is about more than showering yourself with gifts (but hey, go ahead)—it will get you into a mindset of paying attention to your own needs. And that’s the first, absolutely necessary step to being able to take care of others, too.
What’s YOUR tip for surviving holiday stepfamily stress? Leave a comment…
Tags: blended family, countdown, divorce, family, Peggy Nolan, remarriage, remarriage with children, self care, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, stepmothers, wednesday martin
December 15th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Why are women the designated “Martha Stewarts”? If a woman wants to go all out, then so be it — but she shouldn’t have to be the perfect hostess or planner if she doesn’t want to be.
In my home, my husband does a lot of the cooking and he’s been helping with decorations and such for the holidays. He will do most of the shopping for his kids, as well.
Holidays seem to create unneeded pressure. I, for one, refuse to bow to that pressure from anyone.
December 15th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
If the kids are with you a lot throughout the year, try to have a family night where you all decorate the tree together. Understand that they may have some childhood ornaments they would like to have on the tree too, in addition to all the pretty matching ones that you’d really prefer to have exclusively on the tree.
This is a personal one for me since I really wanted a pretty, grown-up Christmas tree that first year and didn’t really want ornaments on it that the kids made in 3rd grade or whatever. But after the first year, I mellowed out and the tree decorating became a fun tradition. We have pretty ornaments and we have some pretty ugly handmade ones, but it’s fine, it includes all of our preferences.
If the kids aren’t there that often and are basically just coming to “visit” for Christmas, I’d do the tree however you want it.
See if you can enlist the kids to help you bake Christmas cookies or go shopping with you for their dad. The first time it happens, they may be a little sullen, but after that first time it may become more enjoyable, even fun. If not, though, don’t push it. It’s not worth the hassle if it’s not fun for everyone.
Don’t overspend your own money on the kids in an effort to make them like you more. They won’t, and you’ll end up regretting the $$$ you spent.
Expect some talk about “remember that one Christmas when you and mom blah, blah, blah.” They may or may not be deliberately doing it to shut you out, but either way, you can always get busy doing something else where you don’t have to listen to it.
It seems like kids, even older ones, can get a little nostalgic around the holidays for the way things “used to be,” and if they want to reminisce with their dad about it, that’s fine, you just don’t need to stick around and hear about it if you don’t want to.
Those are just the personal experience ones off the top of my head.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
About presents: My partner gives presents to his kids, and I don’t. I give presents to my son and my matrilineal clan. This is not a cause of dissension or resentment; none of the stepchildren seem to expect presents from me. (Sometimes I give them a small birthday present, such as a photograph of their father. )
With my own family, too, I keep Christmas presents small and homemade: photographs in inexpensive bent acrylic frames; panettone bread; jars of jam; tie-dyed tee shirts; second-hand books; a Christmas playlist on CDs; and maybe some new handmade clothes for little kids. I have a lot of fun making these things: I make the jam in summer, work on the photos in the fall, and do all the rest in the few weeks before Christmas. Today I’m dyeing tee shirts and baking panettone. (I’m a teacher so I have some time off before Christmas.)
About meals and visits: In the past, these were bad for me because the stepchildren wouldn’t look at me or speak to me when they came. So I started going back to my own home for Christmas. I spend a lot of time alone at my farm over Christmas, and visiting with neighbors and my own family. Later in January, my partner will come to visit me. Last year he brought one of his sons and we went to the Grand Ole Opry for a special Christmas event.
At Christmas I think it’s best to emphasize food, dance, music, and partying over presents. It’s more traditional. For more information about this, read Unplug the Christmas Machine, a great book that helps make winter holidays more fun.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Wednesday,
I heart you! Thanks so much for the shout out in Tip #1!
We already have one family Christmas out of the way – it was with my family on Sunday. Instead of stressing out over presents for far too many people than my budget can afford (after all, my immediate remarried family is ever growing!) Richard and I donated to the Wounded Warrior Project on behalf of my family. Most of us are prior military and most of us know someone currently serving in harms way. Both of my sister-in-laws have brothers on deployment…and my own darling Richard and my son-in-law deploy Aug 1, 2010.
So – one way to difuse the stress is to give to a cause of your choice – something you feel passionate about, and ditch the “obligatory” gift giving.
As we head into this weekend, one gift that I’m giving is the gift of time. I’m having my neice spend the weekend with me. Together, she and I will be putting together 30 or so Christmas goodie bags for my Christmas Eve party. (Christmas coffee mugs filled with candy and hot cocoa mix – nothing elaborate or expensive – I love the Dollar Store!)
We also have Richard’s family Christmas this Saturday. We do a secret Santa drawing every Thanksgiving and we keep the dollar amount reasonable. We have two gifts to bring along with an appetizer and a dessert. No stress
Christmas Eve is a bit more daunting. What is originally just a night with our combined six kids, one grandbaby and now two son-in-laws, is turning out to be a mass production. This is a case were resisting would cause greater stress, so I’m going with the flow and I’ve turned this special evening into an Open House of sorts. Come one, come all…and yes, that includes Richard’s ex-wife. I’ll be keeping the Grey Goose chilled
In between all the family gatherings (which can be stressful), I spend a LOT of time on my yoga mat! Thankfully, the chaos of all this family togetherness ends when everyone goes home on Christmas Eve. Richard and I will have six glorious days of peace and quiet before New Years!
December 15th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Martha Stewart I am NOT, but my husband IS. He loves decorating the house with xmas crap. I used to hate it (we didn’t do it like that in MY family!) but now after all these years, I think it’s wonderful. The same ornaments, old angels and ribbons, tired looking Santas, etc. It’s familiar, it’s home and it’s us. My attitude has completely changed over the years. Funny how that happens.
Susan Wisdom – reformed Scrooge
P.S I do the cooking.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
PL,
Have to laugh about your Xmas tree decorations insight. Did you read The Package Deal by Izzy Rose? I’m pretty sure she writes about her horror about wanting a pristine, beautifully art-directed Xmas tree–but getting a bunch of decorations that involved wooden spools, paste, and glitter as well from her stepkid’s treasure trove. Something like that. Anyway, the best laid hopes and plans…!
I think you’re so right that a stepkid’s loyalty binds are especially acute when it comes to Big Holidays. I like your suggestions about stepping back a little. Thanks for reading and commenting, and keep them coming!
wednesday
December 15th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
After 15 years, I am finally being enlightened with this fabulous community of step-moms! This year I’m focusing on DH and our son. I am planning the usual family get-togethers that happen each year with my family. His adult kids have invitation as usual.
My tip for this holiday is…..
Focus on the folks that I have a meaningful and loving relationship with which are my immediate family and friends. If the adult step-kids attend our family functions, polite chit-chat and move on. I am not going to worry if they feel included or even like their gifts. There will be no bending over backward and making an extra effort. All that is just a set-up for critism and hurt feelings for me from them down the road. I already know that no matter what they will find something wrong with what I said or did or gave it will be brought up in the future. If I have zero expectations of them then no let-down later. I am purchasing gifts and things that I know they would like but nothing expensive. Why? Because it’s what I think is the right thing to do not based on their poor behavior.
And what is better than Christmas morning with a six year old and great hubbie opening gifts with good coffee and all the love I need in one room!!!
Take heart folks. Focus on what is right in your life and who really love’s ya. Don’t miss those moments. I think that I’ve missed too many worrying about step-kids that I can never change no matter how much love and sincerity I give them.
This is MY year!
Merry Christmas and God Bless you ALL
December 15th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Exercise!!! We try not to get stressed at the holidays because this season is such a lovely time and we enjoy the season so much more than the day – it’s hard to enjoy if everything is all stressed. This year has been tough with my husband not working much (and not receiving unemployment); when it all seems too much I cue up my iPod list and sweat it out until my legs are jelly. I usually try a new physical challenge (“I’ll do the big hill by the beach twice today!”) and by the end of the session, I’m so amped on adrenaline and proud of my accomplishment that I have no time to dwell on the stressful things. Plus then I can justify eating all the treats at the holiday parties!
December 15th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
AJ, Susan, Elizabeth,
Love the enlightened division of emotional and other forms of labor in your households AJ and Scrooge aka Susan. That can really go the distance in keeping resentment to a minimum. Elizabeth’s solution is the kind of thing a non-stepfamily member might not “get”–but it works for Elizabeth and her parter, and that’s what counts (not to mention it sounding like fun…)
Peggy,
A wonderful and upbeat approach as ever.
And I welcome ALL of your suggestions, all of your, about favorite causes and charities you suggest we donate to this holiday season. I’ll compile a list so please let me know!
xx wednesday
December 15th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Wednesday, at least she got glitter.
I haven’t read The Package Deal, but I’ll bet I would’ve liked it. Back then I felt like the only woman in the world who couldn’t even plan Christmas tree decorations (much less anything bigger) without being afraid of hurting someone else’s kids’ feelings, and I felt pretty sorry for myself that first year or two.
Now, nine years later, I was telling DH the other day how much I’d changed (like he hadn’t noticed) as far as the whole Christmas tree issue goes and how much fun it is for everyone to get together and decorate the tree every year, and now that we have a new grandbaby, how much fun that’ll be when she’s older and we can help her make some ornaments to put on our tree, etc.
So much for that pristine, tastefully adorned tree I used to want.
I think that would be my other tip for holidays in stepland. Ask yourself how much a perfect tree or a perfect meal is really going to matter a year or two from now, and just try to relax and let things flow.
The old pre-steplife grown-up Christmases with friends and good music and good wine may be replaced or at least added onto by kid-filled, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reinder Christmases and all the mess (both physical and mental) that accompanies holiday times with stepkids.
But the more you can relax, get out and spend a little holiday time with girlfriends, laugh and be a good sport when maybe you really don’t feel like it, go take a hot bath with a good book when you need a break from it all, and flirt with your DH a little since he’s the reason you’re there in the first place, the better memories you’ll have later. And imperfection is more fun than perfection anyway.
December 15th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Christmas tree that didn’t have a lot of handmade kids’ ornaments on it, made out of popsicle sticks and glitter! Do such trees actually exist?!?
December 15th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I’ve found that the best way for everyone to be happy is for everyone to be able to say one thing that continues. Ask them what is important to them. You’ll be surprised. I am as it changes every year. And don’t forget to ask yourself!
It also helps when you have one domineering family member who wants everything their way. You allow everyone a little of what they want.
My hubbie and I get through it by planning an adult evening when it all ends. When the going gets tough, we whisper it to each other. A shared secret plan is great for your marriage!
December 15th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Susan,
You racy lady. Thanks for reminding us about the importance of the COUPLE BOND over the holiday season. Sometimes that gets lost in the shuffle as we focus on family, stepfamily, extended family, friends, etc.
PL, Amen to getting out with one’s girlfriends–not to mention asking yourself whether you can let something go (different from being a doormat– more like allowing yourself to relax and refocus).
You all certainly inspire me…wednesday
December 15th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
I’m giving experiences, not gifts, to my stepboys this year.
After recent crummy behaviour around gifts, I’ve decided to give each of them what they really want much more than the latest Lego Mega Roadkill Fantasy Kit or whatever, if only they knew it – one-on-one time with their Dad, doing a special activity together.
I’m planning it, paying for it and caring for the other kids while each boys and my partner do their thing together. Waaaay generous, in my opinion, though probably less immediately, shred-the-wrapping-paper popular on Christmas morning.
I’ll also arrange one experience that we’ll all do together, maybe a surfing lesson or something like that.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:07 am
I am taking a very laid back, hands off approach this year. In past years, everything I purchased for my steps (daughter 14/son 12) was sent to Goodwill with tags still on each item. This year, I let their Father choose. I went shopping with him, but he was the decision maker and purchaser. I had to do this so that I wouldn’t be resentful.
I did all the shopping for my daughters alone…
December 16th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Stepmum of the year,
Surfing lessons?? Will you be my stepmum please? Seriously, nice that with the gifts you’re giving, you’re reframing the kids’ expectations–giving can be about time together, as Elizabeth also suggests above, rather than ripping paper off presents. Great idea.
Talia, not a pretty experience you had. Talk about feeling unappreciated! Smart of you to delegate the gifting to your husband. I think you’re right that it will decrease your resentment. I’ve interviewed many women in long term happy partnerships who said they felt better once they stopped feeling they had to shop for, wrap, send xmas/bday presents knowing the history of no acknowledgment/ thanks. Lowering the bar for oneself is usually a good thing when it comes to stepkids. Thanks for reading and commenting.
December 20th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
The biggest thing I’ve learned from last year is that for younger kids especially it doesn’t really matter when the holiday celebration takes place, just that it does. Kids remember feelings, not dates on the calendar.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:39 am
Nice thought Stef, especially as many of us may be experiencing “visitation games” around the holidays. The kids care that it happens, and aren’t so particular about the date. So if hubby is feeling blue that he only gets them Christmas Eve, or only part of the day on Christmas, this is something to remember.