Wednesday Martin

I have three quick tips for you today, culled from experts including stepmothers in the trenches.

As the holidays get into high gear, the following three steps can help…

1. Bulwark PL advises: “Spend holiday time with your girlfriends.” Great advice. And sound. The women with stepchildren I interviewed for my book often described feeling outnumbered and overwhelmed at “all family” events if they didn’t live near their own family of origin or bring kids of their own to the mix. In my book I describe it as “barnacle syndrome”–the single, childless woman marries the guy with kids, an ex, and in-laws in town–and promptly feels out of her element, or like an Outsider, regardless of how warm and welcoming the other players are. These feelings tend to ebb as our partnerships strengthen, but may resurface during the holidays, when the “all together now” ethos activates the sense that you don’t share the same memories, and are newer to the scene. So call in the reinforcements. If possible, make sure your own favorite relatives are included in the celebrating, or that they get visited on the big day/s as well. Bring your “fictive kin” into the scene too–that’s friends who feel like family to you and me. Everyone should feel comfortable and in her element as much as possible in her own home during the holidays.

2. Banish Rumination Reader Mary advises, “Focus on the meaningful, loving relationships rather than the aggravating ones.” Well said. In my book Stepmonster I discuss rumination at length. Rumination–thinking over and over of negative scenarios or experiences, worrying about the future until we feel consumed–plagues women in particular. And stepmothers fall into its nets quite often. Rumination can lead to binge eating and drinking, anxiety, and depression. Have a look at Susan Nolen-Hoeksema’s “Women Who Think Too Much” or the section on rumination in Stepmonster–and tips for how to banish it. Many women find that very basic behavior modification techniques like what Mary suggests above, as well as meditation, can help keep negative, ruminative thoughts to a minimum.

3. Unplug the Christmas Machine. Okay, I stole that from the title of a book. Our friend Elizabeth mentioned it in one of her recent comments. What a great point she (and this book) make! This holiday can be about what you enjoy–reading, baking, cooking and eating with friends; exercising, relaxing, skiing, star-gazing, you name it. At a moment when so many of us are un- or underemployed and it feels like the world is going to hell, follow Elizabeth’s advice and make it simple, low-tech, and about togetherness rather than expense this season.

Thanks for your tips–keep them coming!

Tags: blended family, Christmas, divorce, family, holiday tips, holidays, rumination, step mother, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, wednesday martin

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