Holiday Countdown Tip #2: Prioritize Sex, Romance, and Couple Time
This is mistletoe. You know what to do.
Thanks for all your tips. Please keep them coming. Today’s tip comes courtesy of Susan and PL. Susan writes:
“My husband and I get through [holiday stress] by planning an adult evening when it all ends. When the going gets tough we whisper it to each other. A shared secret plan is great for your marriage/partnership.”
PL advises: “Flirt with your husband.”
Smart women. Yes, we think of the holidays as “family” time–stepfamily, extended family, my family, your family, his kids, her kids, grandkids, and more. And that means that at this time of year in particular, and in remarriages or repartnerings with children in specific, we might not be giving the couple bond the attention it deserves.
In general, I learned while researching my book and reading the studies about stepfamily life, remarriages with children are much more fragile than first marriages or remarriages without children. You knew that already. You probably also already know that too often, the couple (well, the husband) thinks it’s “wrong” to carve out couple time when his kids of any age are around.
Wrong. You don’t just deserve couple time this holiday season–you need it. Experts I interviewed told me over and over that their patients in remarriages with children who made a priority of weekly or even daily alone time face-to-face had happier parnterships and better adjustments to stepfamily life all around. For the partner who is a stepparent, it’s crucial to be connecting with your parnter and getting “together alone moments” during this time of year if you are feeling outnumbered, overwhelmed, or like an outsider in your home.
Simply retreating to your room at night doesn’t count. Take ADDITIONAL time together. A ten-minute walk in the midst of a huge gathering, a run to the grocery store together–these are little opportunities to connect. Promise yourselves before a morning of all-family pandemonium begins, “Okay, we’ll get five minutes alone together before lunch.”
If you think your husband or partner won’t cooperate, think again. He might be feeling as overwhelmed and disconnected as you are! And if you ask effectively rather than putting him on the spot (think calm and formulaic in order to keep the emotional temperature down: “I’d love it if we could work in ten minutes alone together every day. I think it would really help me keep up my stamina and help me feel calm and helpful around the kids”), it’ll be hard for him to refuse so reasonable a request. Especially if you’re wearing that sexy elf suit of yours. I’m just kidding.
Tags: blended family, couple, divorce, family, holiday stress, holiday tips, remarriage, remarriage with children, romance, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, stepmothers, stress, wednesday martin
December 16th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
This is ringing so true for us this year, Wednesday. We have scheduled a get-away after the holidays every year for the last 4 years. This year, we have other plans that interfere with that. It turned out that my older brother is in a tough spot and I want to go visit him this weekend before Christmas when we don’t have the kids. I invited my husband to join me and we’ve managed to get away from work on Friday and the Monday, so we’re going for a 4-day weekend. I can already tell it has helped us get our shopping done early so we can come back for the grand finale without any stress. My husband went online and booked us in a couple of nights on the coast in some great hotels that have low winter rates, it’s turning into a mini-vacation with some exploration, which we love to do together.
I wasn’t too sure if this would add MORE stress for us, but we are both getting excited and it’s helping us focus on what is important, which is US. Not that our time with the kids isn’t exciting, but it all needs to be balanced, doesn’t it? This feels right this year, we’ll see if it becomes our new tradition. As a person who has historically enjoyed the holidays prior to my remarriage, I am rediscovering my love of the season and letting go of so many expectations that I had put on myself. What a relief. I’ve never liked the last-minute runaround and this urges us to get it finished up and move on to the fun stuff . . . our time together.
))))
December 16th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I love this tip!
December 16th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Kim,
Brava. What a great tradition–balancing “family” time with a couple’s getaway. That’s so therapeutic, and so smart.
(More than one shrink I interviewed suggested that when step/kids are around for a weekend or holiday, the couple take the following Monday morning off together if they can, just to reconnect. All for it).
Your post will run after the holidays–you may have noticed that I wasn’t on for a week or so–internet problems–so I’m getting back to it all now.
Thanks as ever for reading and commenting,
xx wednesday
December 16th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Where do you get the sexy elf suit that makes requests like that so compelling?
When my partner gets overwhelmed by family trouble–whether it’s his kids or his brother or whatever–he goes silent and withdrawn. Then it’s very difficult to connect with him. It might be a guy thing, or maybe it’s just him. I’m not sure.
Anyway getting away from the city seems to work better than anything to get him to talk and connect. Also like a lot of guys, talking about feelings, especially bad feelings, is really hard for him.
The city with all its distractions–shopping, phones, computers, tvs, general noise level–seems to make it harder to connect with him, especially when he’s upset about something. It helps to get him somewhere very quiet, where there’s nothing to do but read, talk, sleep, and eat. That’s a real winter holiday: sleeping, reading, eating, talking, sleeping again…
December 16th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
My hubby and I have just recently started our weekly date night again. We got full custody of his two girls this past March and it has been a whirlwind ever since. They needed to be taken back and forth to school. The oldest graduated high school and started college. Started looking for a job and finally found one last week. The youngest has to go every Saturday to visit mom and when she comes back it is like dealing with LInda Blair from the exorcist. Constant court dates that we are still dealing with because mom is still fighting for shared custody of youngest even though she now lives with us. Hubby lost his job last Christmas and still doesn’t have one to this day. I work full time as a 3rd grade teacher and the youngest now comes to school with me. Just found out that hubby has high cholesteral, an issue with his heart, and diabeties. Now we have another set of issues to deal with his health and mine as well. It has been one stressful moment after another. Who has time or the energy for sex let alone quiet time with partner. So we make the time and go out one a week to dinner and a movie or just dinner. This time I cheerish because it is just hubby and I with no interuptions from kids, phone, tv, etc.
I plan on making the Saturday after Christmas hubby and me time since older stepdaughter will be working and younger one will be with her mother. It will be romance time for the both of us. I feel that it is imperative in a second marriage with children to make US time in order to keep the bonds strong. God bless!
December 16th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Tabitha,
Oh no. A step/daughter in a loyalty bind who is acting out, and undermining ex wife in the picture, plus unemployment makes for a super-stressed partnership.
First, I want to commend you and your husband on having the strength and commitment to weather these changes as you have for the last year. You both deserve a lot of credit so make sure you give it to each other.
The most important thing is the physical and mental health of you and your husband so please continue to take good care. I hope the two of you might find the time to take a long walk several times a week. Just a suggestion to get you thinking and feeling a little more positive.
So glad to hear about your date night. Keep it up, Tabitha. You guys can do it.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
xx wednesday
December 16th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Elizabeth,
Ahhhh, dealing with the classic gendered script regarding emotions, I see. It can be so aggravating when a husband who is otherwise so enlightened cleaves to this way of being, I know! And it’s so true that no matter which angle you’re coming from, men especially don’t enjoy talking about stressful problems. John Gottman has discovered, from looking at lots of saliva of stressed couples, that men’s cortisol levels shoot up more quickly than women’s during conflict with a partner, and their withdrawal is actually a strategy to minimize the stress. Which of course makes us “pursue” them all the more!
Great solution to get your husband out of town where there’s less stress. And I wholeheartedly agree with your definition of holiday: sleeping, reading, eating, talking….ahhhhh! thanks, wednesday
December 16th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Looking at lots of saliva of stressed couples! What a job description! “Ok, have an argument. Now spit in this cup.”
Maybe during our next session of, “Why aren’t you talking?” I could ask for a spit sample. In a cup of course.
“Hmm. I see lots of cortisol in your spit today. Maybe we should go to the beach.”
There could be a cortisol detection kit that you buy at the drugstore, like those pregnancy test kits.
I don’t understand why men don’t enjoy talking about stressful problems. I love it!
December 16th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Bless his heart, but my husband makes sure to give me those “get a room” kind of kisses during the family get togethers. Especially the ones where I’m surrounded by his ex-wife and her family – no matter how well we get a long, and we do, that kind of message from hubs to me goes a long, long way…and it’s not like we do this in front of 60 pairs of eyes…just off to the side, in a hallway or under the mistletoe
December 18th, 2009 at 11:30 am
We do a few things…
First, kid talk is absolutely off limits in the bedroom. Our pillow talk is about us and only us.
Second, we take weekend getaways whenever we can on the weekends we don’t have the kids. Just getting away from our own house helps take the focus off the to-dos, the latest kid or BM issue, etc.
Third, we take a few minutes each day to hug each other, say “I love you,” and chat over a cup of coffee or glass of wine. If one of the kids comes into the room during that time, my husband often will redirect them and ask them to go play somewhere else for a little while. Those few extra minutes are a huge gift. It is also huge for me that my husband is sending a message to the kids that our time as a couple is important and we won’t always stop our conversation because one of them appears on the scene.
December 19th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
AJ,
I love these guidelines. Especially about the bedroom being a “step free zone”–no stressful conversations about disagreements over the kids, undermining exes, etc. Great idea.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
wednesday