Comments on: Holiday Countdown Tip #2: Prioritize Sex, Romance, and Couple Time

By: admin

admin — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 19:17:57 +0000

AJ,
I love these guidelines. Especially about the bedroom being a “step free zone”–no stressful conversations about disagreements over the kids, undermining exes, etc. Great idea.

Thanks for reading and commenting,
wednesday

By: AJ

AJ — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:30:19 +0000

We do a few things…

First, kid talk is absolutely off limits in the bedroom. Our pillow talk is about us and only us.

Second, we take weekend getaways whenever we can on the weekends we don’t have the kids. Just getting away from our own house helps take the focus off the to-dos, the latest kid or BM issue, etc.

Third, we take a few minutes each day to hug each other, say “I love you,” and chat over a cup of coffee or glass of wine. If one of the kids comes into the room during that time, my husband often will redirect them and ask them to go play somewhere else for a little while. Those few extra minutes are a huge gift. It is also huge for me that my husband is sending a message to the kids that our time as a couple is important and we won’t always stop our conversation because one of them appears on the scene.

By: Peggy

Peggy — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 03:09:45 +0000

Bless his heart, but my husband makes sure to give me those “get a room” kind of kisses during the family get togethers. Especially the ones where I’m surrounded by his ex-wife and her family – no matter how well we get a long, and we do, that kind of message from hubs to me goes a long, long way…and it’s not like we do this in front of 60 pairs of eyes…just off to the side, in a hallway or under the mistletoe

By: elizabeth

elizabeth — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:21:11 +0000

Looking at lots of saliva of stressed couples! What a job description! “Ok, have an argument. Now spit in this cup.”

Maybe during our next session of, “Why aren’t you talking?” I could ask for a spit sample. In a cup of course.

“Hmm. I see lots of cortisol in your spit today. Maybe we should go to the beach.”

There could be a cortisol detection kit that you buy at the drugstore, like those pregnancy test kits.

I don’t understand why men don’t enjoy talking about stressful problems. I love it!

By: wednesday

wednesday — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:32:22 +0000

Elizabeth,

Ahhhh, dealing with the classic gendered script regarding emotions, I see. It can be so aggravating when a husband who is otherwise so enlightened cleaves to this way of being, I know! And it’s so true that no matter which angle you’re coming from, men especially don’t enjoy talking about stressful problems. John Gottman has discovered, from looking at lots of saliva of stressed couples, that men’s cortisol levels shoot up more quickly than women’s during conflict with a partner, and their withdrawal is actually a strategy to minimize the stress. Which of course makes us “pursue” them all the more!

Great solution to get your husband out of town where there’s less stress. And I wholeheartedly agree with your definition of holiday: sleeping, reading, eating, talking….ahhhhh! thanks, wednesday

By: wednesday

wednesday — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:28:04 +0000

Tabitha,
Oh no. A step/daughter in a loyalty bind who is acting out, and undermining ex wife in the picture, plus unemployment makes for a super-stressed partnership.

First, I want to commend you and your husband on having the strength and commitment to weather these changes as you have for the last year. You both deserve a lot of credit so make sure you give it to each other.

The most important thing is the physical and mental health of you and your husband so please continue to take good care. I hope the two of you might find the time to take a long walk several times a week. Just a suggestion to get you thinking and feeling a little more positive.

So glad to hear about your date night. Keep it up, Tabitha. You guys can do it.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
xx wednesday

By: Tabitha

Tabitha — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:20:09 +0000

My hubby and I have just recently started our weekly date night again. We got full custody of his two girls this past March and it has been a whirlwind ever since. They needed to be taken back and forth to school. The oldest graduated high school and started college. Started looking for a job and finally found one last week. The youngest has to go every Saturday to visit mom and when she comes back it is like dealing with LInda Blair from the exorcist. Constant court dates that we are still dealing with because mom is still fighting for shared custody of youngest even though she now lives with us. Hubby lost his job last Christmas and still doesn’t have one to this day. I work full time as a 3rd grade teacher and the youngest now comes to school with me. Just found out that hubby has high cholesteral, an issue with his heart, and diabeties. Now we have another set of issues to deal with his health and mine as well. It has been one stressful moment after another. Who has time or the energy for sex let alone quiet time with partner. So we make the time and go out one a week to dinner and a movie or just dinner. This time I cheerish because it is just hubby and I with no interuptions from kids, phone, tv, etc.

I plan on making the Saturday after Christmas hubby and me time since older stepdaughter will be working and younger one will be with her mother. It will be romance time for the both of us. I feel that it is imperative in a second marriage with children to make US time in order to keep the bonds strong. God bless!

By: elizabeth

elizabeth — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 23:10:00 +0000

Where do you get the sexy elf suit that makes requests like that so compelling?

When my partner gets overwhelmed by family trouble–whether it’s his kids or his brother or whatever–he goes silent and withdrawn. Then it’s very difficult to connect with him. It might be a guy thing, or maybe it’s just him. I’m not sure.

Anyway getting away from the city seems to work better than anything to get him to talk and connect. Also like a lot of guys, talking about feelings, especially bad feelings, is really hard for him.

The city with all its distractions–shopping, phones, computers, tvs, general noise level–seems to make it harder to connect with him, especially when he’s upset about something. It helps to get him somewhere very quiet, where there’s nothing to do but read, talk, sleep, and eat. That’s a real winter holiday: sleeping, reading, eating, talking, sleeping again…

By: admin

admin — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:20:24 +0000

Kim,
Brava. What a great tradition–balancing “family” time with a couple’s getaway. That’s so therapeutic, and so smart.

(More than one shrink I interviewed suggested that when step/kids are around for a weekend or holiday, the couple take the following Monday morning off together if they can, just to reconnect. All for it).

Your post will run after the holidays–you may have noticed that I wasn’t on for a week or so–internet problems–so I’m getting back to it all now.

Thanks as ever for reading and commenting,
xx wednesday

By: Jill

Jill — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 20:02:02 +0000

I love this tip!