Holiday Survival Tip #3–Let Someone Else Do It! (Thanks Mary, Talia, and Kela!)
You over the holidays. Just lose the cigarette.
Today’s tip comes to you courtesy of Talia and Mary (thanks to you both) as well as Kela Price, one of my favorite stepmom coaches, of www.blendefamilysoapopera.com
It is: Let someone else do it!
Talia says that after bad behavior from her stepkids around gifts the last few years, “I am taking a laid-back, hands-off approach this year.” She’s letting their dad choose their gifts. I suggest she also let him wrap them and, if Talia and her husband keep their finances separate, pay for them. These kids want gifts from Daddy, not Talia, anyway. Until they’re out of their loyalty binds, exacerbating them by giving gifts will work against Talia.
Mary writes that “There will be no bending over backwards [for resentful stepkids who don't appreciate the effort this holiday season]…it is a set-up for criticism and hurt feelings down the road.” Brava. By making the holidays normal and inclusive, rather than treating the kids like royalty to be pandered to, everyone wins. So have kids of all ages involved in meal planning, preparation, serving and clean-up as possible. Little ones can make holiday art or placecards for guests. This way the kids feel like part of the life of the couple rather than “special guests,” and the stepparent feels less depleted and resentful.
And here’s Kela:
Delegate!
by Kela Price,
www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
This holiday season, delegate, delegate, delegate! Don’t feel the need to do everything for everybody. If you cook, let your husband clean up or shop for the ingredients. Allow the kids to wrap presents for dad and you can even give them an age appropriate cooking task as well. Tell your husband to wrap his kids’ Christmas gifts. Make everything a team effort in order to decrease your chances of feeling burned out and resentful.
Of course delegating requires that you do it the right way. You have to communicate with your partner about it all. Talk about plans for the holidays and realistic expectations ahead of time with your spouse, and be as honest as possible. Resist the urge to fall into your people pleasing tendencies during this time of year and talk about what YOU expect. If your stepchildren don’t like you and don’t mind showing it, explain to your husband that you expect them to be respectful and courteous (they should be doing this all year long) during this time, so that they don’t create tension for other guests who might be invited to Christmas dinner. It is also helpful to discuss with your husband, what you expect of him. Often times, divorced dads seem to be even more permissive with not only the kids, but the ex-wife, during this time of year. Talk about these issues AHEAD of time! If you don’t discuss these issues ahead of time, you are likely to fall into the “for the sake of the kids” rituals and end up serving turkey and dressing to your husband, his kids and the ex-wife; all while they discuss old times and relive what once was. Explain the importance of creating new family traditions so that you ALL can move forward instead of being stuck in reverse.
Thanks Mary, Talia, and Kela for this great tip.
Tags: blended family, divorce, divorce with children, family, family stress, holiday season, holiday tips for stepfamilies, holidays and family stress, kela price, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepfamily, stepfamily stress, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, stepmothering, wednesday martin
December 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
This is how I’m letting someone else do it.
Richard and Junior are doing the heavy lifting – the dining room turned office is getting a remodel on Sunday (we’re a family of procrastinators…but it will get done before Christmas Eve!) and the room will morph into a library/sitting room with couch and everything.
I’m paying my youngest step daughter to come over and clean on either Monday or Tuesday. Bathrooms and Kitchen will be all sparkly (good for me) and YSD will earn some cash (good for her)
Richard does the majority of grocery shopping and cooking (did I luck out or what?), I will be doing a lot of baking this weekend with my neice.
I’ll be putting gift baskets and goodie bags together. And finishing my grand daughter’s blanket…the one I started in February…
December 17th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I love the art of delegating. This is hard for control freaks who have to have everything done their way. So it’s either exhaustion – doing everything yourself – or resignation – accepting the efforts of others, perfect or imperfect. I vote for the latter. Try it, you’ll learn to like it.
Thanks, Wednesday for the tip.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I am looking forward to Christmas for the first time in a long time, and it is in a large part thanks to your work, Wednesday! Thanks for what you do. It had made a big difference in my life.
December 18th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Thanks for writing Jill. So glad to hear you’re avoiding the holiday dreads. Keep it up!
Peggy, I’m with you: I’ll take baking over cooking any day.
Susan Wisdom’s right: it’s hard for many of us to delegate. I’m getting better…I think?
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