The bottom line is that the kids already have two parents — plus me and their stepdad. How fortunate for me that I am not a primary parent — I am a bonus parent. I will leave the primary parenting to the two people who brought the kids into the world.

I want to support my husband and make things easier on him, but if making things easier for him just means that the burden becomes my own, my resentment will just build. It is not good for any of us if I continue to let that happen.

Love Stepmum of the Year’s idea of giving Dad Time as an Xmas gift. Not surprised that it was very popular!

I continue to be concerned about Elizabeth’s situation with an adult stepdaughter who cannot let go of her hostility and resentment. Elizabeth, what are you doing for yourself these days? I see your solution of removing yourself as constructive, and perhaps your only option at this point. Please keep us posted.
All best and happy new year with my wishes for plenty of interpersonal peace and prosperity to all readers,
xx wednesday

And spending an extra night at my favourite music festival after my partner and the boys had headed back home was a great reminder of the things and people I chose for myself BEFORE this crazy family came along, and need to actively keep choosing at each step to retain my sanity.

On the present thing, after some nasty, intrusive pre-Christmas questioning about what I gave them last year (for the purpose of demonstrating that I’m not as “good” a step-parent as their mum’s boyfriend), my stepboys got Dadventures this year – an different activity each to do one on one with Dad while I cared for their siblings.

It was very popular. It could be as cheap or expensive as you like. It got me out of the game of who gave biggest, best, fastest, more. It gave them what they really wanted most – time alone with Dad.

This is going to be my gold standard for gift giving from now on.

Oh, and they didn’t get me anything this year, but I’ve decided that gifts to them are like postcards (as is all of stepparenting, for that matter!) – you send it out and don’t necessarily expect to get it back.

Thanks as always, Wednesday!

Wednesday – thanks so much for that. I have tried to cultivate relationships with my stepkids that are separate from our relationships with my husband. This has worked with my stepdaughter but not my stepson. I think it very much reflects the ages I came into their lives as per your book. (Which I devoured in one sitting and then lent to a friend.. I must get it back!) I really like the idea of giving him a gift if he has one for me. We have still not seen them for “Christmas” but should be picking them up tomorrow. Actually, it will only be my stepdaughter as stepson has already informed husband that he does not intend coming. We live “too far away” from all of his friends. (Only a 10 minute drive from his Mom’s.) I can’t say I’m unhappy about that, as I can now give my stepdaughter her gifts and not have to worry about StepSon.

I realized later that when I remove myself from potential harm’s way, some of The Kids don’t like it, and so they penalize him. That made me realize that all along, the deal has been, “Dad, we’ll be nice to you if you let us beat up on Elizabeth. If not, not.” I’ve had enough of that, and so now he’s worried about retaliation, especially from the newly engaged daughter.

I wonder how common this quid pro quo is.

Anna,
I do have a whole section in my book Stepmonster on gift-giving in stepfamilies and how overdetermined it can be. One solution to your dilemma might be to bow out of gift-giving entirely and let it be your husband’s deal. Do nothing in that regard, nothing, no buying, no wrapping, no giving, until both your stepkids are older and your stepson gets a grip and learns the deal. Gifts are given in an exchange economy. Life is not a potlatch. You and your husband don’t “owe” his son because your husband divorced his mother, etc. My book goes into the psychology behind why stepchildren don’t give.

Another option is to have a gift available should your stepson give one to you. If he gives, you give. If he doesn’t, you don’t. Plain and simple. It’s the way life works and 16 is pretty late to be learning it. He’s more than ready.

So there are a couple of options. This might be advice that’s too late–I’ve been on vacation. But would love to know how it all turned/turns out.
best,
wednesday

More “fun” is coming, however, when they return and arrive here, expectant for gifts.

I’m beating myself up at the moment, because my 16 year old stepson, who cannot bear to even address me, and will speak over me in my own home as if I do not exist, (and who only comes around here when it is gift giving time) is getting nothing from me (and very little from my husband), compared to my 13 year old step-daughter, who loves to come despite the pressure she receives from her Mother.

Wednesday – do you have any thoughts on how to approach the whole gift situation? On the one hand, I don’t think I’m being “fair”. On the other hand.. I’m just “Dad’s wife”, so who says I have to be?!

My partner had to go to a family party on Christmas Eve, and he thought that at this party, his daughter might invite herself and her fiance over. He wanted to say yes, and have me be there, because that would be “the whole point,” as he put it: for the fiance to meet me. But if my son had been 1/10 as mean to my partner as his daughter has been to me, I wouldn’t “make” them be together: I would keep them apart. But my partner has always been this way: the meaner kids are, the more he wants me to hang with them!

This morning I figured something out: this is no accident. He has a lot of disowned rage against women, I think. His mother died when he was a baby. His father remarried, and then his stepmother died. The maid that took care of him left. His wife emotionally abandoned him years before they divorced. He can’t express any anger at all, ever, at anybody. Aha. The daughter is now The Return of the Repressed. This is a role that her brother played for many years, until he became too sick to do it any more. (He has a mysterious auto-immune disease.)

I learned from a book called If Men Could Talk that it’s not unusual for men to act out their disowned anger at women in weird ways. They often can’t talk about it, or even think about it. In my partner’s case, I think he can’t even act on it himself: he projects it onto his kids, and they act it out. (No doubt they are acting out some of their mother’s anger as well.)

For a long time, I thought this anger was just normal stepfamily drama, in the early years after a divorce. Now I think it’s more than that: it’s been 11 years, and the kids are adults. Now it’s starting to seem like some kind of Greek drama, about the Curse of the House of X, where the children inherit the karma of the fathers.

It seems rational for me to distance myself from the Fall of this House as much as possible, until my partner wakes up from his dream. If he does.