The Real Scandal of “Sexting”
Poor judgment + risk-taking + society's double standards = vulnerable teen girls
If you have a teen step/daughter or know anyone who does, you’ll want to read about sexting. Check out my newest post on psychologytoday.com–and leave a comment!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200912/the-real-scandal-sexting/comments
Tags: Jaime Grubbs, parenting teens, poor judgment, psychology today, Rachel Uchitel, sexting, stepmonster, stepmother advice, stepmother support, stepmothering, stepmothers, teen girls, teens, teens and risk-taking behaviors, teens poor judgment of, texting, Tiger Woods, wednesday martin
December 10th, 2009 at 11:43 am
I don’t have teens but if I did I would be worried. It is astonishing that in this day and age the girls did not get the support they needed, particularly from their schools. They got a scarlet letter–I like your term “social death” because that is what this kind of bullying feels like–and instead of support they get suspended? If I had a teen, especially a teen girl, I would probably feel even more outraged than I do. As it is, this story is very upsetting. And an important topic. Thanks for the link.
December 10th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
we had problems like these s/sd age 16. the hardest part was getting her mom to agree that 1)texting while driving is bad; 2)sending “sexy” texts is bad (they weren’t really sexaul, but they were provocative in a too-grown-up way, ex. her winking and licking her lips while heavily made up.
basically once we got on the same page we blocked her from texting. it is hard to keep up with all the technology but I feel you have to make the effort to protect teens and especially teen girls from themselves.
December 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Well, all I can say is that this is freaking me out. I have a pre-teen SD. The idea that kids can be prosecuted for making stupid decisions like this, not to mention persecuted by their peers at schools where the adults in charge just make matters worse is more than upsetting. Something to think about. And worry about!
December 11th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Block texting. It’s easy, it’s painless. Texting is not a right. And in my home, it’s not even a privilege. My stepson is 17, but he’s too immature to handle texting. I blocked it two years ago. (His phone is on my plan, so I can do anything I want to it).
My husband HATES texting. HATES it. The only time I text him is if he’s calling and I’m on a conference call…or if he’s in the field (Army guy) and then it’s a simple, “I love you.”
My adult daughters (both varieties) text – but they’re adults, pay their own bills, and don’t live under my roof.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Thanks for the great advice Peggy. And by the way, I think Peggy’s solution has a larger lesson. Which is, let’s remember the research: post-divorce, across the board, kids do best with authoritative parenting. Not authoritarian parenting (with high levels of control and low levels of warmth) and not permissive parenting (high levels of warmth and low levels of control). Authoritative parenting (high levels of warmth, high levels of control).
It’s not that complicated. And it’s not that hard to achieve if both members of the couple are on the same page. Peggy’s suggestion is a great example of authoritative, effective parenting and the way it protects kids from themselves.
December 21st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
When it comes to sexting and my own teenage children, we have talked about how it is illegal for young teenagers to send or possess naked pictures on your phone. While I do afford them a good amount of privacy with their phones, I would not hesitate to confiscate their phones if I sensed any shenanigans or participation of bullying of any kind. We constantly stress treating the less fortunate and ill with sensitivity. You don’t have to be friends with people you don’t like, but you don’t attempt or ever take a lead role in the assassination of someone’s character. In fact, I would prefer my children took a lead role in putting an end to any bullying they encounter.
(Incidentally, even in regard to fully-clothed amateur photography, we continue to have discussions about asking permisssion to post and/or forward pictures. Just because somebody posed for a picture doesn’t mean you own the image outright. And yes, girls and boys, posing with your tongue hanging out like a dog is at the very least inviting sexual ideations, and, at the most, slutty.)
With teenagers, however, taking a stand against their peers is very difficult and probably unrealistic in the over all social structure of humanity. Off-color humor, name-calling, and jokes are part of growing up. Teenagers are particularly cruel. You can, however, simply not take part in these kinds of activities, or distance yourself from those who do through silence.
And while my teenage children and I have also talked about young people who are depressed as being unavoidably sick and in need of doctor’s care, same as a person with cancer, I’ve also stated that you don’t ever want to be a part of any person’s suicide, not in the least, even if you really cannot and should not be held responsible for a suicide. If you must distance yourself from a sick person, as we all sometimes must, don’t do it via derisive and mocking behaviors, just let the relationship fade if it must.
Dealing with mental illness is obviously very complicated, particularly amongst teenagers in situations with less educated parents, communities, and school administrators. Keeping teenagers on the right and ethical track regarding cell phones requires the right combination of trust, respect, and vigilance.
December 23rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
James,
Thank you so much for reading, and for commenting. It’s always helpful to hear what thoughtful parents are doing for their kids in an era when there are more potential dangers than ever before. I’m especially interested in the compassionate ways you speak to your kids about bullying and cruelty at school.
best,
wednesday
February 28th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Nice Nice.
April 13th, 2010 at 11:25 am
I will enjoy reading what you’re planning on next, simply because your blog is a great read, you happen to be writing with fire.