Live Interview On Wednesday Jan 6th–Author Exposure/BlogTalk Radio
Let
Please tune in for my live interview on Author Exposure/BlogTalk Radio this Wednesday January 6th at 12:30 p.m. Host Traci Green and I will discuss Stepmonster and stepmother reality. She’s dating a man with kids–get ready to dish!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/catch-that-book
Tags: Author Exposure, call-in radio show, Catch That Book, radio interview, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, Traci Green, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren
January 6th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Fantastic interview, Wednesday! I only wish it could have been longer!
January 6th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Thanks for listening Pearl–glad you know you enjoyed it.
-wednesday
January 6th, 2010 at 11:19 pm
Wednesday, just a general comment as I have just found your blog/site. I have been wanting to write you a long letter for two months–ever since I read the introduction to your book. I found a copy of it in one of my favorite independent bookstores. I stopped in there about a year ago (before I got married to someone with kids) looking for a book just like this. I figured there had to be a smart, thoughtful and honest book about stepmothering. But there wasn’t. Stopped back again this fall and found your book. It’s really incredible, and it has made a huge impact on me. I’m 6 months into stepmothering. My partner has three kids (14, 12, 7). Compared to some of your case studies, I have a very good situation–supportive partner and stepkids who like me. And it is still much, much harder that I ever imagined. So many of the things you write about in your book are just dead on–especially the issue of non-sympathy from friends & relatives. I try to explain how frustrated I get by my stepkids’ actions (or more accurately in most cases, *inactions*) and I get “oh, they are just kids!” I think it’s just very difficult for people who have their own kids to understand step-parenting. I could go on and on about how many cases studies in your book paralleled my experience. Thank you for writing this book. You are on my “if I could have dinner with 10 people” list! I hope you get a great deal of attention for the book. It is fantastic, and I’ll be recommending & giving it to all stepmothers I know.
January 7th, 2010 at 11:16 am
Ali,
Thank you for reading the book, and for letting me know about it. I’m so glad you found some things in it that resonated with your experience, and I hope it will be helpful to you. Wow, 14, 12, and 7–adolescence is tough and I’m sure you’re learning that! I have written a few pieces (in addition to the book) on having teen stepkids, both here and on my Psychology Today blog (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster) that might be of interest to you. Meanwhile, I hope you’ll be back soon and keep us posted on how it all goes with you.
best,
wednesday
January 7th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Ali and Wednesday, you both got me thinking even more about something I’m struggling with in my stepfamily, and in particular, in my relationship with my partner. I’m the stepmother to two teens – 15 and 17 – that live with us full-time. My experience over the last 3+ years in this situation has generally spanned a spectrum from “mildly tolerable” to (much more often) “unbearable/miserable/frustrating beyond belief/add similar adjectives here.” That latter part of that feeling spectrum stems in large part, I think, from the dynamic that Wednesday writes about so well in Stepmonster: the awful cycle of trying to talk to my partner about something that upsets me with his kids; him minimizing it or telling me to let it go, it’s no big deal, it’s my problem, etc.; me feeling invalidated and unheard, but shutting up (while getting increasingly resentful) until I can’t take it anymore; then bringing it up again when I’ve reached my limit again, only to have my partner react even more strongly and angrily to me. We are locked in this pattern and seem unable to get out of it, and it is not only ruining the atmosphere in our house, but also steadily eating away at the strengths in our relationship. Not to mention making me feel entirely the part of the wicked, nagging, petty stepmother, and making me wonder every day why my partner keeps coming home to me every night, and fearing that someday he won’t.
Sorry – that was lengthy – but I wanted to offer up a suggestion that perhaps in one of your future blogs posts, podcasts, etc., you might focus specifically on “fighting right” about the kids and their behavior in the stepcouple context, particularly when (my own situation, so I’m being selfish here!) the stepmother is dealing with a very permissive father who has never really disciplined his kids, set boundaries with them, or expected much of anything from them in the way of chores, helping around the house, etc. Your discussions of these challenges in Stepmonster are so helpful and resonate so much with me – I would just love to see these topics unpacked even further.
Thanks, Wednesday and Ali, for getting me thinking and inspiring me to post! And thanks for your consideration.
January 11th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Wednesday & Pearl, thanks for the feedback! This exchange is making me think I’d like to look for a stepmom’s discussion board–do you have one to suggest, Wednesday? I’ve never been part of a discussion board/chat room etc.
Pearl, something that has really worked for my partner and me is to have the conversations at a neutral time–not while I’m upset about things. Also a wise marital counselor told us not to have these conversations in bed, even though it’s a convenient time to have private conversation. She said bed needs to be a sacred space where each partner knows they can go w/o having a difficult conversation. It sounds like you have a real challenge though, in that your partner isn’t open to hearing your concerns. Good luck–and have you found a good couples’ therapist?
Last week, I made the decision that the things that were bothering me (dishes not cleared, towels left on the floor, etc.), were things that I needed to let go of. I communicated to my partner that I wasn’t going to remind the kids to do those things and I wasn’t going to do them myself. Teaching them to do those things is their dad’s role, and something I can let go of, which gets me out of a) being a nag; and b) doing work that I feel unappreciated for. Fortunately for me, he agreed that it’s his role and supported my decision. It’s been a great change!
January 12th, 2010 at 1:49 am
Ali – ahh.. the great “towels on the floor” debate.
I bought every member of the family their own special big thick bathsheet type towel in their favorite color, and disposed of all the old cruddy ones. (Because I’m such a wonderful person and wanted the kids to feel like they had their own things here. Ha.)
Then when towels were left on the floor, it was very obvious whose they were, and it only took a few times of kids having skanky towels to dry themselves with, that the problem spontaneously resolved itself with no further input from me.
Natural consequences are wonderful teachers, and sometimes, we can help them along.