Love, Lust, Sex, Power, Romance: Is There a Third Partner in Your Marriage?
Lose the third wheel--by obsessing less about your husband's ex
As promised, an article about love, sex, and romance in stepfamilies as we count down to Valentine’s Day. Today’s guest post is by Susan Wisdom, LPC. Susan wants to know, Why are you obsessed with your husband’s ex? And she wants you to put your marriage first. Have a look…and leave a comment!:
http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295
Tags: blended family, conflict with ex-wife, divorce, ex-wife, family, remarriage, stepcoupling, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom, wednesday martin
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:15 pm
I read the article, and I was feeling pretty bitter because I didn’t think this was being addressed, but Wednesday, your comment pointed out what I’m dealing with now:
“…even (perhaps especially!) when an ex-wife in the picture is hostile, intrusive, angry, and attempting to alienate the kids. Often such extremely uncooperative and undermining ex wives have some type of undiagnosed disorder (such as borderline personality disorder)…”
This is exactly what we’re dealing with and why I am obsessed at this juncture. I was not obsessed when our days weren’t absolutely filled with trying to stay ahead of this crazy-maker. Just last December, the ex attempted to file a restraining order, and, when that failed, she attempted to move for sole custody on the (completely baseless) grounds we are abusing her child. Since then our lives have been consumed. Daily calls to lawyers, counselors, doctors, and friends and family. Tons of counseling appointments. Lawyers’ fees. Desperately trying to maintain contact with an alienated child. It’s exhausting.
Ultimately, I know only I can detach from this situation in order to survive emotionally. Some days all that binds us is our desire to prove to the ex that she can’t break us up. In tough times like that, our shared anger is a source of strength. Maybe that’s unhealthy – I don’t really care, because right now we’re in survival mode.
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:25 pm
I think we obsess about the ex because we think she’s mentally ill. And she is so uncooperative that we don’t have a relationship with my husband’s children at all. She has successfully alienated them to the point at which the kids don’t even recognize my husband as their father anymore. And that’s sad, because they’re missing out on knowing a wonderful man. I doubt they consider me anything more than a homewrecker, despite the fact that I met their father after he divorced his ex.
My husband recently found his 16 year old daughter’s blog. He saw pictures of her and his older daughter, who is 18. He has not seen nor spoken to these kids, with whom he used to have a close, loving relationship, in over 5 years. Although they appear to be physically healthy, at least in the pictures, their real father’s absence in their lives is obvious. The younger daughter seems to be obsessed with her church. While she’s obviously very bright, she clearly lacks perspective and experience with people who aren’t like her. We know that she’s like this mostly because of her mother and her mother’s inability to let her 5 children experience life outside of mom’s orbit.
My husband and I are angry at his ex for all of this, but we’re also wary, because we suspect there will come a day when the other shoe will drop and these girls will try to re-engage… While my husband would love to talk with his daughters again, he doesn’t trust them because of their mother. My husband’s daughters have an older brother from their mother’s first marriage that my husband had raised and supported as his own. Last year, we discovered older brother’s nasty true colors and it definitely wasn’t a pretty sight.
So yeah, we obsess a bit about the ex… though it’s more out of self-preservation than any bitterness or jealousy on my part. I am not at all threatened by my husband’s first marriage or the kids and memories he had with his ex wife. I know he loves me and would never choose her over me. But I am threatened by the fact that she might use her kids as weapons again in an effort to cause drama. I can’t help but feel the need to be vigilant about that.
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Dear Wednesday and “So Tired Of This”
So glad to hear from both of you. This poor is a PERFECT example of what so many stepmothers suffer from in varying degrees. My heart goes out to her and others who have to contend with angry, intrusive exes…and yes, some with possible personality disorders, as Wednesday suggested.. These people make life so very difficult. It’s hard to tell you what to DO other than hang in there and continue to prove to her that she can’t and won’t break you apart. You definitely NEED AND DESERVE each other to stay strong and connected. You can learn to calm each other down as necessary. “The words, “we’re in this together, we love each other, the kids need us to be emotionally healthy”, etc can all be helpful. The art of skillful detachment is good important too. Do as many romantic date nights as you can and whatever you do, don’t talk about HER then. Take good care of yourselves, and hopefully as time passes, she’ll get it that she can’t and won’t win.
Thanks Wednesday posting my article and eliciting this very important response. I love this collegial approach.
xxSusan
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:48 pm
After 10 years as a stepmother with a diagnosed borderline biomom, I found that I stopped obsessing the moment the kids as teens left her and moved in with us fulltime (from 50/50 shared custody). That was when the opportunity for her to try to control and manipulate us and create conflict through the children disappeared, and since then I hardly think about her. Even if she has taken us to court repeatedly after that, it has all been about money, and as long as the kids are safe and not put in the middle, we can handle that.
However, it is very hard to ignore someone or not let them create upheaval in a family when someone repeatedly and consistently attacks and intrudes, takes you to court and adds tens of thousands to your debt, hurts the children so they come crying and upset to you to complain, and so on. I think it’s outright unrealistic to expect anyone, let alone a stepmother, to smile serenly and let it all go, when you always know that a phone call at 10.30pm can change your holiday plans just like that. I would think the obsession is very similar to the one Skinner labelled ‘intermittent reinforcement’ – just with a negative prefix.
What I would advise every couple who struggles with one partner’s ex, is to seek counseling very early on, and work hard on creating a game plan of consistent responses and reactions to every kind of interaction. The source of conflict between a couple isn’t necessarily the difficulties the ex is causing, but how it is handled. It’s a repeated reminder of how helpless, but still affected one can be as a stepparent. The partner with the connection to the ex is the only one with the power to deal with the problem, and the stepparent is greatly affected by the decisions, but not always heard. It is crucial for a relationship to feel that one is somewhat equal and can parttake in decision-making.
February 2nd, 2010 at 4:38 pm
would that it were as easy as ‘back off and relax.’ i think many of us are dealing with possessive, territorial moms/exes in the picture who would not be happy with us if we engaged, disengaged, tried to discipline,didn’t try to discipline, went to the school play or didn’t go to the school play. basically for many of us when it comes to his ex every single thing we do is wrong, not matter what. and that’s because she is just plain jealous and angry that he is remarried and she isn’t. wednesday’s book was the first one that acknowledged that with research to back it up–that ex wives are angrier after a divorce than ex-husbands are. (i underlined that about 500 times in stepmonster!) hello, that explains ALOT in my view! my husband and i are forever in ‘react’ mode wondering what crazy thing she’ll do next–drag us to court for some manufactured thing that never even happened, or leave a dramatic message on the voicemail about what a horrible, awful man my husband is (huh? he’s great to his kids, very involved and comitted) and how he’s never going to see his kids again if he tells them to eat their salad at dinner or what have you.
the point is true though that exhuasting and infuriating as it can be there is a way to let it go. i’m very into meditation now and highly recommend it if the ex is intrusive and abusive, etc. it helps my husband too and it helps us too that she acts like a nut and the kids need us to provide stability so we just try to keep it calm. i keep saying it will pass when they don’t live with her anymore. that’s what happedn to my sister who is also a stepmom. peace!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:32 am
Frankly, I found Susan Wisdom’s article to be judgmental and hostile to stepmothers, and thus, quite unhelpful. I didn’t see myself represented there fairly at all. I’m not “bitter” at being “second” and I don’t at all feel “second best.” I certainly don’t feel “inferior” because I’m not the “real mother.” Nor do I find it “easier” to keep directing negative energy towards my husband’s ex. I would much rather focus on my marriage and all of its unique qualities, would much rather celebrate the joyful union that my husband and I found. The tone underlying her notion that we stepmother’s “obsess” bothers me as well–I don’t obsess about my stepdaughter’s mother any more than I obsess about going to the bathroom. But it’s a fact of life that my bladder fills up and I must empty it on a regular basis. Likewise, it’s a fact of my life that her mother intrudes, disrupts and interferes in my life and so we must deal with her on a regular basis. This is not obsession, this is healthy maintenance.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Man, I feel for you, Ellen, the exes in our lives sound like they’re cut from the same cloth.
And, amen, Kathy! My “obsession” is daily maintenance at preventing our lives from exploding due to the continuous grenades lobbed in our direction. She keeps bumping up against the boundaries and knows exactly how to stalk and harass without actually committing the crimes of stalking and harassment. It’s terrible!
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Kathy,
It’s always good to hear from you. I share your sense and the sense other women are expressing that it is hard for people sometimes to understand just how undermining and hostile the mothers of our husbands’ kids can be, and how difficult and impractical the advice is to “just let it go.” I remember vividly when a friend of mine, a clinical psychologist herself, finally got it. I had been sobbing about some aspect of steplife when she showed up on my doorstep, and when I explained what was going on, she said, “I think this is the first time I’ve really understood how much of your life this is consuming, just in terms of the time that has to go into undoing the damage being created in your life.” And that’s a shrink talking–it took her months and months of talking to me to understand that my life was being consumed not because I chose it, but because it was beyond my control.
What I take from Susan’s piece is that if there is any way for us to create emotional distance between ourselves and our husband’s ex, or insulate ourselves from it, that is a completely valid and necessary course of action. It could be “obsessing” less. Or it could be turning to a trick from cognitive behavioral therapy every time she does something that aggravates or undermines. Such as developing a calming mantra, etc. (I wish I had more “etc.s!)
I also really strongly feel as a researcher that the cultural piece is missing in our discussions about ex-wives. Stephanie Coontz and Linda Nielsen, two sociologists who have studied divorce and remarriage extensively, have noted that white middle class and upper middle class women tend to come from a very possessive mothering model, a paradigm in which there is only ONE maternal figure who must do it all alone. And so the idea of anyone else being vaguely maternal is profoundly threatening. There’s research showing that in societies and groups where there is more of an “it takes a village” mentality about childrearing–many parts of the Caribbean, in certain American Indian tribes, in Hawaii to name a few–there is less conflict between wives and ex-wives, mothers and stepmothers, owing to the fact that kids grow up with MANY quasi-parental and quasi-maternal figures, rendering the stepmother not an entirely novel or threatening thing.
If stepmothers are meeting mothers halfway here by feeling possessive and territorial and like “I’m a better mother than she is”–well then, that’s going to be explosive, and there are steps we can take to reel it in, even if we really ARE better parent figures than mom is (sorry, it happens to be true in many cases!) But when we’re NOT being competitive about parenting, when this hostility is coming from mom alone, there’s nothing much for us to do to change her social programming. Except be clear about the boundaries, as you say, protect our marriages and ourselves, and wait for the kids to grow up so that mom has fewer pretexts to meddle, interfere, be intrusive, and lash out.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:32 pm
Arwen,
Thanks for your wise words here. I couldn’t agree more that finding a licensed and very experienced therapist, one who has worked with couples in a remarriage with children and knows just how difficult it can be, is key. Good luck with your personal situation. Keep us posted, and thanks for reading and commenting.
xx wednesday
February 4th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Okay Wednesday, what are YOU going to do?? I’m curious!! Always looking for tips/ideas…and of course just curious about your own strategies. Thanks!
February 5th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
I want to be clear with Wednesday’s readers. Many stepmoms are in horrible situations with hostile, invasive, and vindictive exspouses, who are trying to ruin their marriages and their relationship with the stepkids. It’s impossible to NOT BE OBSESSED with that ex and the painful situation they’re in. I’ve heard terrible stories, and it always upsets me tremendously. All they can hope for is strength, coping skills and time passage to get through it and survive… (and sometimes that’s not possible.) They can also hope that the love and support from the stepcouple relationship will provide the strength and skills they need. There’s a huge continuum ranging from the evil to the perfectly decent ex.
The ex I was referring to in my article is the less invasive one who’s still in the picture because she is the biological mother and co-parent to the kids. They can be okay women but still resented by the stepmom. This resentment is natural as the kids act like, look like and love Mom. I suggest that rather than obsessing and competing with Mom, they build new fresh relationships with the stepkids slowly so that familiarity and trust can take place.
I believe there’s plenty of room for healthy parenting and stepparenting in today’s stepfamilies. I believe it takes an village to raise kids today. And I believe “no one has to be the bitch!”