Love, Lust, Sex, Romance, Power, Marriage: Would you marry your man with kids again, knowing what you do now? Tell me about it!
Knowing what you do now, would you marry him again?
A few days ago I published a piece on psychologytoday.com called “Is Marriage Necessary?” You can also link to it via the post below.
One Boston University study found that nearly 75% of women with stepkids they interviewed would NOT do it over again–would not marry a man with kids, that is. Would you? Tell me about it (and remember your posts here are anonymous!)
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, marriage, relationship, remarriage with children, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, Valentine's Day, wednesday martin
February 8th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
Would I marry just any man with kids again? I don’t know. Would I marry my husband again? In a heartbeat! He has supported me in many ways in my role as a stepmother. From the beginning he taught his daughter that I was on par with him and deserved all the respect that he received from her. From the beginning he protected me from his ex-wife’s poison. From the beginning he made our marriage his priority and together we have parented our children. After 12 years of our relationship, 7 married, he continues to support me as a stepmother in this way. I wouldn’t trade him in for all the childless men in the world.
February 8th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Hi, I will take a deep breath and admit that there were many, many days in the beginning where things were so difficult that I would NOT have done it again. and even now that we’re thru so much I do sometimes think, when I look at everything ahead of us–his three kids having kids, dealing with weddings and inheritance and other tense topics–I do sometimes think wow what if I had married a guy without kids, life would be easier.
you asked and I told you! that said, there’s so much that’s good and improved after the years of dealing with difficulty! so much worth saving, that I would NEVER walk now after we walked through all that fire.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
I would marry my husband again, despite the pain we’ve experienced because of his kids. He’s a wonderful man and I’d be a fool to pass him up. In fact, as much as I dislike his ex wife, I am forever grateful to her for divorcing my husband because he’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
That said, I do now realize that I had no idea what I was getting into when I got married. I had no concept of parental alienation whatsoever. It never occurred to me that a woman would use her children to fight her battles the way my husband’s former wife has. I wish we didn’t have to deal with her or her alienated children, but I wouldn’t pass up my husband in order to avoid them. For the most part, marriage has been very good to me.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Would I do it again? Yes. But not the same way. I stuffed so many of my feelings for the last 13 years for the ‘good’ of his three children and their mom’s mental health that now I’m a mess. Being a step-mom isn’t the only issue, of course, but it’s a huge contributing factor. But my husband has been worth it. After all, though he let many things happen that I realize now I hated and were damaging, he only had the input I gave him to go on. And? My five bio-babies have been worth all the junk.
Would I want to know more details about the craziness before saying ‘I do’ again? Nope. In my case it was much better to be fairly clueless, get married quick, and discover the God-awful mess his ex is, and works on creating, later.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
I would marry him again, absolutely!
Yes, his children and ex-wife create extra stress in my life — but there would be extra stress even if he didn’t have kids or an ex. In-laws, coworkers, friends — there are any number of relationships in a person’s life than create havoc in a marriage. All marriages come with challenges, and ours just happens to be related to his kids/ex.
After I ended a five-year relationship in my 20s, I dated a lot. A lot. Not one of the guys (all of them child-free) I went out with during that time even holds a candle to my husband. He is my partner in all ways and my best friend. That gift is worth the sacrifice.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
I’m not sure. I would be with him — yes. But marry him? That’s a hard one. In some ways, it would be nice to have my own place, and to have my own life, and to have him as my significant other, but to have more of an auntie role the child-raising parts of it. To not be expected to contribute my time and money to the kids. To not be expected to be a parent to them. To not be expected to love them. To have anything I did for them that was a positive thing in their lives be seen as a nice extra — not as expected or owed to them.
On the other hand, actually getting married has led to his ex respecting me and my relationship with him more. She used to treat us kind of like he was still her husband, and I was just one of her husband’s cute little friends. (Granted, he had a role in not redrawing the lines himself, sooner. But it did seem to make difference to her, specifically.) I also feel taken more seriously by his family. And by people at the kids’ schools. That’s pretty positive.
I wish it were not necessary to get married to be respected by his family, by his children’s mom and by society as serious and committed partners.
February 8th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Anonymous,
Very interesting what you say–and why didn’t I think to include this in my post??–about women in partnership with men with kids kind of needing the marriage part to seem/feel/be legit.
So many women described to me what you’re describing–their partner’s ex really not respecting the relationship until it was a marriage, at which point the boundaries got clearer and the couple more consolidated and the ex more hands off.
Another thing women described to me was his kids going bananas after they got married, even in the cases when they really liked and cared for stepmom. Something about making it official is very hard for many kids and even adults who discussed dad remarrying with me.
AJ, happy to hear such unabashed, upbeat optimism. Thanks for chiming in as ever.
Katie, I think I know what you mean. Do it again, but with a difference. And like you, I’ve written about how I really couldn’t and wouldn’t have accepted the bad news ahead of time. I was in a haze, and maybe that’s part of what got us through the tough adjustment period in part–some denial!
February 8th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Hmmmm…. this is a very good question and one I ask myself often.
As very difficult as this is…the answer is no. I would certainly want my current husband in my life, I just don’t know if I would marry him if I knew this is what my lot in life was going to be. I would certainly continue dating him, but I long for my own space. I would welcome having my own house to my own again and not have to share it with people who make me feel like an outcast in it. I want to keep my money for me and mine and not be expected to share it with he and his children with no gratitude whatsoever – just expectations. I don’t like being the ‘on again off again’ wife to my husband. On when we don’t have his kids, off when they return to their mother. No, being married to a man with children is not at all what I expected and is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. No, sadly I would not do this again…
February 8th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
I don’t know. My gut reaction is that hell no, I’d not do it again. In fact, if I knew what I know now, I would have never said yes to that first date, and if anything ever happens to my current marriage, I think I’d rather be alone than with another man with kids and an ex. I love my husband; he is wonderful and incredibly supportive. However the drama from the ex-wife and the skids, especially oldest SD, has been hell. A lot of days it just does not seem worth it.
February 8th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
I didn’t marry my partner and we’ve been together now for eleven years. The reason I didn’t marry him is that I wanted to keep control of my own property and finances, for starters. The other reason is that I think marriage is a patriarchal institution that is not good for women. I think it should be illegal. It is none of the government’s business whom you sleep with. I’m surprised more Republicans don’t see it my way.
Would I have moved to another city to live with him the way I did all those years ago? Maybe. It has been good for me in some ways. I got another degree and a better job by moving to a bigger city. I am accumulating social security points, an important thing for an old lady. We bought a house together which I hope will be a good investment. I still like him and even love him and I hope we will have a happy old age together.
But I wish I didn’t know what I know now, about how badly people can behave. I feel a lot sadder and wiser. I don’t trust people as much. I am more afraid of violence and more paranoid generally. But I am also stronger, meaner, and funnier than I was eleven years ago.
February 8th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Without a doubt. I moved across the world to be with my “man with kids” and he has been worth every tear shed, every pang of homesickness and every single frustrating setback that has come from uprooting my life and starting over again in a new (and sometimes very strange) place. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
February 8th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Wow, Elizabeth, can I just quote you for a second? “But I wish I didn’t know what I know now, about how badly people can behave. I feel a lot sadder and wiser. I don’t trust people as much. I am more afraid of violence and more paranoid generally. But I am also stronger, meaner, and funnier than I was eleven years ago.” I feel the exact same way! You’ve expressed it perfectly!! Thank you.
February 8th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
What an interesting post, Wednesday. The topic is so near and dear to my heart. Would I marry him again? Definitely yes…that part has all worked out really well. Would I marry a man with children again? NO WAY!! We’ve been together now over 30 years and our relationship is still really as good as ever. I don’t think I would ever want to get involved with someone with kids again but now since the step kids are a given…and all over 40 at this point….I have reverted to being my husband’s wife instead of being a step mother. In the beginning I felt somehow obligated to involve myself with his kids and their upbringing. That was a big mistake on my part. I think I was overinvolved and competitive for my husband’s attention. At this point, now that they are all grown (my 2 and his 3) and married with childen I’ve focussed my life on me and my husband and my own children and grandchildren and see the steps (who are geographically scattered) on an occasional basis. It feels so much healthier to take better care of myself in this way and realize what the priorities are. My husband doesn’t pressure me with seeing his kids and says that sometimes it’s easier for him if I don’t join in the weekend visits.
February 9th, 2010 at 11:21 am
I don’t know that I’d marry my husband again — stepkids or not. I love my husband a lot and we’re in a good place right now but if I was given a magic wand and could go back to the day when we started talking about marriage I would have held off and probably not married him.
I love to think that we’d still be together now even if we weren’t married but probably not. We’ve come close to divorce a few times and I’ve had numerous headaches over how I would untangle myself from our finances.
I’m trying to be more of a second tier parent to my stepkids and to not be so involved in the outcomes of my husband and his ex-wife’s choices as it relates to their kids. I think not marrying my husband would have helped me come to that choice and resolution sooner.
February 9th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Yup, Yup, and Double YUP. I’d so marry Richard over and over and over again…even knowing what I now know about Junior. (I have three other stepkids, but Junior is our challenge) At any rate, all you have to do is read my icky, sweet, cavity inducing love story I wrote for the StepMom Magazine this month
February 9th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Anonymous…
I agree with everything you said. I feel very much the same way.
Like you, I love my husband and we too, are in a good place. But, truth be told, I think we both have thought about divorce a few times. (I know I sure have).
I have taken a very hands-off approach to parenting the steps. I’ve had my hand slapped one too many times. Once bitten, twice shy…
Take care and thank you for expressing my very thoughts.
February 9th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I don’t know if I’d marry him again or not but I would absolutely do things differently. I had No Idea what I was getting into and my greatest regret is that I didn’t trust my instincts. I didn’t take care of myself. I joined him in his desire to put The Child first (which also meant, by extension, putting The Mother first) –and while this was a good, generous impulse on his part, it backfired completely. It was a poisoned pill and it will probably always be in our collective marital system. Because of The Child, I have given up many things: we had no courtship, no honeymoon (figuratively or metaphorically), no chance to carve our own identity as a married couple, and my home was given over to Childproofing. I gave too much away. And though I did it from the very best of intentions, I have been punished ever since. I gave too much of myself away. And as I type this, I hear that great Shawn Colvin song echoing in my head, “I want it back!”
February 9th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
Kathy — that is exactly where I’m at after 13 years: I gave too much away. We had no honeymoon, not even a single night away or home without the step kids. I spent the morning after our wedding, less than 12 hours after ‘I do’ standing on a slab of ice, waiting for the schoolbus with my stepsons.
Now that they’re grown and I have five young one of my own? I have no idea who I am, what I like, or even how to pursue what I like. Even though I love my husband, this not knowing who I am, having given away pieces of every part of my being, we’re heading to counselling hoping to make heads or tails of the situation before I end up in deep trouble.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
I just realized a better way to put it:
Being a stepmom is being on the wrong end of a cannibalistic relationship.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:53 pm
katie, do you live in the midwest, by chance? We could meet. Although, exploring this more might hurt more than it helps. Sometimes I go through phases where I feel utterly trapped, and suffocating. What are my options, really? I now have a son of my own and I truly don’t consider divorce an option. But what else do I have, really? I’m not going to threaten divorce as some kind of tactic–that would be silly. And in a lot of ways, I have much to envy, there’s a lot that’s good in this marriage. In a lot of ways, I think that what I suffer from is a kind of cultural trauma from being an educated woman in a patriarchal society that tries to scam us into thinking that we’re not still completely misogynist. But is this a good bargain, really? Who is this marriage serving? Is this really partnership? What does partnership even look like for a stepmother? ach, my head hurts….
February 9th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
I’ve been thinking about this post and I just wanted to come back and say that I hate being a stepmom so much. I love my stepkids. But being a stepmom? I HATE it. I hate it, hate it, hate it.
February 11th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
I am three years into being a step-mom. One of my step-daughters is 13, the other 9. While I love my husband and his children dearly, I would not have married him if I knew then what I know now. Why not? Because of his ex. Even though she initiated the divorce after a lengthy affair, and married her lover, she has made our lives exceedingly difficult. I have never been able to do anything right by her, and therefore by her children. No matter how well I treat her children it’s either not enough or too much, and I am the perpetual scapegoat for every problem the children have. She has engaged in viscous attacks on my husband, and done everything she can to alienate him from his children. She has violated my provacy and boundaries numerous times. We’ve spent tens of thousands in court, not to mention the emotional trauma that comes with it all.
Step-mothering is an emotional mine field no matter what, but a toxic ex is like napalm to a marriage. My husband is in the horrible predicament of having to choose to continue to fight for his children, or to stop fighting and save his marriage. It is not a position I would wish on anyone, and one I swore I would never put him in. But the reality is that his ex-wife harrasses us and abuses us. If anyone else did to me the things she has done, I would have avoided them at all costs for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, if I want to be with my husband, she is unavoidable.
Admittedly, I did not see the red flags when I should have. I chalked her initial behavior up to uneasiness about having me around. I figured that, once she got to know me, things would get easier. I excused her behavior because I knew it must be hard to have another woman in your child’s lives, and to see the man you were married to for 12 years marry someone else. I thought things would get better. They didn’t. I shouldn’t have married him until I saw improvement.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Kathy and Katy,
Glad you connected here and hope you will continue to find others who will listen and understand. Social support is crucial in any stressful situation, and stepmothering, as you both know well, can be very stressful! Kathy, I can relate to those question, particularly well do I remember wondering, at times, Who is this marriage serving? Great question you ask: What does partnership even look like for a stepmother?
Heidi, you’ll find a lot of writing in my book about what you describe as a “toxic ex”–why some ex wives are undermining and hostile. I don’t view these relationships through rose-colored glasses by any means; in short I think that in our society women are programmed to all but go crazy when they become ex wives with children. And knowing the facts about where the behavior comes from can really, really help. It sounds like you can’t make peace with this person by any means; you can only work on this relationship internally. Forget about winning her over. Part of the challenge here is accepting that someone dislikes you no matter how hard you try. That’s your job here–and it’s antithetical to our training as women. We want so badly to be liked. Now you’re in the structural position of the disliked and it’s hard. Time to work with that. One thing that might help is knowing that this WILL get better when the kids aren’t living with either parent and there are fewer pretexts for interference. Hang in there…
-wednesday
February 11th, 2010 at 6:39 pm
Hi “First Anonymous,”
I hear you, loud and clear. I said that so many times to my therapist back in the day. And to his enormous discredit, it freaked him out and he thought there was “something wrong.” Yeah, in the whole stepfamily system, maybe, but not with me. I just got it, and he didn’t. That said I’m wondering, does it help at all if I tell you that after all that, I actually feel things are vastly, vastly improved after the statistically normative first five years of struggle have now segued into a decade? Like you, I really truly like my stepkids and these days things feel so much different than they did five years ago. Also just wondering if you have checked out Jacque Fletchers post on becomingastepmom.com, for stepmoms who feel hopeless, fed up, and ready to throw in the towel? If you read it, let me know if it helps.
Sending you lots of support,
xx wednesday
February 12th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Absolutely not. I would not marry my husband again. He does not have the emotional/psychological capacity to be a partner *and* a father. There has never been a question as to what is more important to him. (hint: it’s not our marriage)
Before the attacks roll in about kids being the “be all, end all”
“most important”; spare me the lectures. If there is no partnership – there is no family – be it a blended one or intact one. I’ve wasted 6 years of my life figuring this out.
February 12th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Oh boy Teresa,
I feel for you! And the thing about this blog is that it does not attract the kind of women who will lecture you that “the kids should come first”! So you’ve come to the right place. My philosophy is very clear that in a remarriage or repartnership with kids, the partnership gets priority since it is the weakest link and needs nurturing and support. Divorced and remarried/repartnered men with kids can’t expect partnership or support from a woman they’ve told to take a back seat or low position in the hierarchy of the family.
At the risk of sounding self-promoting, I want to recommend you read my book if you haven’t. I think you would find the book helps you feel understood. What you describe is unfortunately very familiar to many women who marry men with kids. I also wonder if you have found a compassionate therapist who gets how hard your position is? That could help tremendously as well.
Take care of yourself, and hope you will be back soon,
best,
wednesday
February 12th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
That does help to hear — a lot!
I did read Jacque’s article, but I didn’t really feel like it was aimed at me. I love my guy and our relationship is good. I actually love my stepkids. I just hate the “being a stepmom” part of it. Maybe for me part of the answer right now is just letting my husband be the parent and not thinking I have to be or act like a parent myself. And other people’s expectations (maybe even including my stepkids’s expectations, to an extent) about what I “should” do or provide or be responsible for or help with can go jump in the lake!
February 12th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
In my case, I would marry my wonderful husband a thousand times over. I never believed in the concept of a soul-mate until I met him. He is perfect for me in so many ways. On the rough days, though, I can’t forget that I also had to marry his ex, our stepson, his financial obligations, and his vasectomy. Even in the best relationships, where both people want the relationship to work and are able to talk openly to each other, being the “second wife” is really hard.
February 12th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
First Anonymous,
Thanks for letting me know about Jacque’s piece. I often find her work very centering and soothing for me personally! As for those expectations–yes, let them go. Who SAYS you have to go to anyone’s soccer game or make them dinner or have an opinion about homework or get involved in their tsuris? You don’t. One option is to be supportive (I say this because it sounds like you really LIKE your stepkids, just get to feel burdened by the expectation that you be parental/maternal) yet disengaged around certain activities, behaviors, what have you.
I wish women with stepkids would feel freer to tell themselves, in crucial moments, “Not my kid, not my problem”–and actually mean it, thus freeing themselves from a role they don’t want or need to embrace. It’s not going to hurt the kids and who cares what people who don’t know the first thing about stepparenting think about how you “should” act, feel, and be?
xx wendesday
February 12th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
MK,
How well said. Thank you for reading and for commenting (and you know that the vasectomy part made me laugh, even as it made me want to cry. You are funny and that never hurts in a step situation!)
wednesday
February 12th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
In the beginning of my relationship with my husband (we were together for 3 years prior to getting married), I would have uttered a resounding, “hell no.” But now, I would absolutely marry my husband again. I can’t say that I’d marry any man with kids again, but definitely my husband. In the beginning, however, I felt a lot like Katie and Kathy. But with constant communication, counseling (from a counselor who had experience and therefore understood our issues) and lots of hard work, my husband and I finally began to focus on our marriage and he stopped allowing his ex-wife’s actions to tear us apart. As a matter of fact, he began to shield our marriage from such actions. At that point, I began to trust him and have confidence in our marriage, which allowed me to be who I wanted to be instead of who I thought I should be. Over time, we developed a true partnership. Now, we are expecting our first child and happier than I ever thought I could be with anyone. Things aren’t perfect because his ex-wife is not comfortable being excluded from our marriage (they don’t do family outings, holidays and other activities together like she would like), but we see that as her problem and not ours. It no longer affects us. Thank God!
To all who seem to have lost hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Find the RIGHT therapist and instead of focusing on what an ex-spouse is or isn’t doing, express to your spouse how you feel your marriage is going in the wrong direction, and how you want to change that. Doing so, will allow you to take the focus off of the ex and put it into fixing your marriage.
*Kela*
February 13th, 2010 at 2:49 pm
No.
February 17th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Wednesday,
I do have your book, and have found it to be tremendously helpful in understanding myself and the underlying reasons my marriage has failed. (my husband and I are currently separated). At my request, my husband also read a few chapters. However, he saw this as yet another “attack” on him. I get “With all due respect to Ms. Martin……” with that familiar condescending tone.
We did go to a therapist for a few months, both individually and as a couple. While not a specialist in step family dynamics, the therapist did point out to my husband that the marriage/partnership should take priority. (insert blank stare on my husband’s face)
So after all of this, and YEARS of me trying to assume the position as his partner, he STILL does not comprehend the fact that the partnership is the priority; and is ESSENTIAL before integrating his children into *our* life. So, what did he do for our 5th wedding anniversary that fell on a visitation day? He offered to take me to lunch on my lunch hour, so he could still spend the entire afternoon and evening with his kids. When I called him out on it – he screamed at me “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.” As if I was supposed to feel ‘honored’ to celebrate our anniversary on my lunch hour. (thunks head)
Many of my stories would give you nightmares. If you ever want some fodder for a book on “What NOT to do for remarried fathers”, look me up.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Thank you for writing Teresa, and you have my sympathies about your separation. I wonder what a therapist who DOES specialize in stepfamily dynamics could do for you and your estranged husband? There are trained professionals out there who really know how to help couples in a repartnership with children.
Whatever you decide to do, I am rooting for you to find yourself in an equitable partnership down the line if that becomes possible. Don’t be a stranger, and thanks again for reading,
wednesday
February 18th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Anonymous,
Over and out. Thanks for commenting.
Kela, so glad to hear from you on this topic and I know others can get great encouragement from a story like your own. Thanks for the sound and welcome advice and as always thanks for reading and commenting.
xx wednesday
February 28th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
After reading all of the comments here I feel particularly blessed that my husband is the man he is. Like so many others here I had no idea what I was getting myself involved in. However, my husband, right from the beginning made our relationship a priority and made it abundantly clear to his daughter that I must be respected and treated as an authority figure in her life – no matter what her personal feelings on the subject. I now understand, after 4 years of marriage, that if he hadn’t done this there is absolutely no way our marriage could have survived. Unlike many step-moms, my step-daughter lives with us and her mother has limited involvement in her life. One mistake that I made was, as it sounds like many others did as well, was over-involving myself. I met with nothing but resentment and renewed resolve to make my life a living hell from my step-daughter. It’s been a tough situation because she has many issues and I find myself unable to help her through them, but she does not want my help. One problem in particular that I have found myself dealing with is being judged harshly by absolutely everyone on how good of a parenting job I’m doing with her. I have found that most people have no conception whatsoever what it’s like to live with and parent a child with emotional/learning issues who is not yours. It is definitely true that until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes you should not judge me! Yes, I’d marry him again, but I do wish I has been better prepared for what I was getting myself into!
March 1st, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Amy,
Given the situation you’re dealing with–a child with emotional and learning issues in residence who resents your efforts to build a relationship with her–there’s nothing better or more important than a husband who is committed to his marriage. Sometimes a little disengaging can go a long way–as can learning to buck the need for approval from know-it-alls and busybodies who actually know very little of what you’re going through or what stepfamily life is really about. Hang in there and come back soon! wednesday
March 8th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! After 3 years together and seeing and witnessing everything he has gone through (with his ex) since we got married , I would run the other way!!! His ex has had DHS come into my home and almost have my son , and our daughter together taken away from us bc of ONE COMMENT and a ER visit, which after a lenghty investigation EVERYTHING she said turned out to be false!! . However SHE left him and the kds. She walked out on them 6 years ago and has not come back, she gets visitation every other weekend and is actively pursueing a homosexual lifestyle…. But again, NO ,I would run the other way if i had to do it all over again!
April 12th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
no, no and no.
i adore my husband. but i would not have married him if i could have looked into the future and seen even one day that i’ve had with his child since then. i never knew someone so young could be so cruel and deliberatley malicious….and that so many “adults” would be so quick to deny, encourage and assist the behavior.
we are asked to give everything, expect nothing and be considered selfish for wanting to have a life outside of raising someone else’s trainwreck of an offspring.
April 13th, 2010 at 10:15 am
oh brother mrs. x.,
feeling your pain. you seem to be in very good company, unfortunately, in your feeling that perhaps this relationship is not worth all the trouble.
I remember feeling that way a number of times. and then the players got older, got another focus, became different people…the normal developmental shifts took their course, and things changed for the much, much, better.
your stepkid is in a terrible loyalty bind, probably thanks to mom. that doesn’t mean you have to like or forgive the bad behavior. or, even more importantly, give your husband a pass for allowing it (even more, encouraging it, from the sounds of it).
can you disengage? it might spare you a lot of resentment and help you regain a measure of happiness to dial back your involvement with this kid radically. what do you think? xx wednesday
July 28th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
No, I wouldn’t. It’s not because of my husband or even his kid or his ex. My husband is a very good man and his ex and I get along very well. My husband’s son is great and he respects me and I have the authority to provide guidance and discipline him when I take care of him. The reason I wouldn’t do it again is because I just don’t have the patience to deal with such an unstable situation. Relationships are hard enough and this just adds another layer of hardship.
I have a friend who is dating a guy with kids. Though I don’t have the heart to tell her that she shouldn’t do it, I told her that it is very hard and she better be ready to take all the c***(+more).
If anyone asked me if it were a good idea to be with a man w/kids, I would say it depends on what you are made of.