I dislike the person I have become, exposed to the hate and conflict of their divorce, emotionally battered as he experienced years of depression and guilt. Hated by his kid, resented by him at times…. I really, really hate that i know the things I know, that I understand due to experience, just how hateful one person can be to another. I’m less of what I could have been, if not for getting sucked into his life.

I love him dearly. We’re through the worst now and we will grow old together. I know he loves me… but that’s not enough to “do it over again”.

I’m not vocal about it; I have never admitted it to anyone before, but I would never, ever, ever be a step mother again and I’d never marry my husband again.

I have a friend who is dating a guy with kids. Though I don’t have the heart to tell her that she shouldn’t do it, I told her that it is very hard and she better be ready to take all the c***(+more).

If anyone asked me if it were a good idea to be with a man w/kids, I would say it depends on what you are made of.

I remember feeling that way a number of times. and then the players got older, got another focus, became different people…the normal developmental shifts took their course, and things changed for the much, much, better.

your stepkid is in a terrible loyalty bind, probably thanks to mom. that doesn’t mean you have to like or forgive the bad behavior. or, even more importantly, give your husband a pass for allowing it (even more, encouraging it, from the sounds of it).

can you disengage? it might spare you a lot of resentment and help you regain a measure of happiness to dial back your involvement with this kid radically. what do you think? xx wednesday

i adore my husband. but i would not have married him if i could have looked into the future and seen even one day that i’ve had with his child since then. i never knew someone so young could be so cruel and deliberatley malicious….and that so many “adults” would be so quick to deny, encourage and assist the behavior.
we are asked to give everything, expect nothing and be considered selfish for wanting to have a life outside of raising someone else’s trainwreck of an offspring.

Kela, so glad to hear from you on this topic and I know others can get great encouragement from a story like your own. Thanks for the sound and welcome advice and as always thanks for reading and commenting.

xx wednesday

Whatever you decide to do, I am rooting for you to find yourself in an equitable partnership down the line if that becomes possible. Don’t be a stranger, and thanks again for reading,
wednesday

I do have your book, and have found it to be tremendously helpful in understanding myself and the underlying reasons my marriage has failed. (my husband and I are currently separated). At my request, my husband also read a few chapters. However, he saw this as yet another “attack” on him. I get “With all due respect to Ms. Martin……” with that familiar condescending tone.

We did go to a therapist for a few months, both individually and as a couple. While not a specialist in step family dynamics, the therapist did point out to my husband that the marriage/partnership should take priority. (insert blank stare on my husband’s face)

So after all of this, and YEARS of me trying to assume the position as his partner, he STILL does not comprehend the fact that the partnership is the priority; and is ESSENTIAL before integrating his children into *our* life. So, what did he do for our 5th wedding anniversary that fell on a visitation day? He offered to take me to lunch on my lunch hour, so he could still spend the entire afternoon and evening with his kids. When I called him out on it – he screamed at me “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.” As if I was supposed to feel ‘honored’ to celebrate our anniversary on my lunch hour. (thunks head)

Many of my stories would give you nightmares. If you ever want some fodder for a book on “What NOT to do for remarried fathers”, look me up.