Love, Sex, Romance, Marriage: Is Marriage Necessary? on psychologytoday.com
Why did our ancestors marry? And why do we? Is marriage necessary?
As we count down to Valentine’s day in this Love, Sex, Romance, Power series, today I ask the question, “Is Marriage Necessary?” What can psychologists and couples therapists–and married people–learn from the history and sociology of marriage?
Have a look…and leave a comment:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201002/love-stories-is-marriage-necessary
Tags: Andrew Cherlin, Andrew Young, blended family, divorce, Elizabeth Edwards, evolutionary biology and marriage, history of marriage, infidelity, Jenny Sanford, Jon Edwards, Lori Gottlieb, love, Mark Sanford, marriage, Marry Him, remarriage, sociology of marriage, Staying True, stepfamily, Stephanie Coontz, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, The Politician, wednesday martin
February 5th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Well when you put it that way…no it’s not necessary! It’s funny to read this and enlightening because I have been struggling with wondering why it’s sometimes so hard to share my life with someone, even someone I love. Fascinating to see it in this context. Thanks for getting my brain going…never thought of it this way.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
Amen, Wednesday. I think it’s important to note that marriage is now–and has always been–much better suited to a man than a woman. I recommend that everyone who hasn’t already read Judy Syfers’s classic 1970 essay “Why I Want a Wife” would do well to google it and have a read. Even if you have read it before, look again. It holds up amazingly (and depressingly) well, even after all these years. I’ve been thinking about marriage a lot these days because in some of the classes I teach (American literature) we have been examining the historical basis of many wedding rituals and considering the implications of their “timeless” value. I’m not sure timelessness is such a good thing with some traditions.
In her wonderful book “Writing a Woman’s Life,” Carolyn Heilbrun discusses the marriage of Virginia and Leonard Woolf, and she considers the differences between Virginia’s experience in the marriage versus her biographer’s depiction of the marriage. Marriage is a bargain, Heilbrun tells us, “like buying a house or entering a profession.” We should enter it knowing that there are risks–like infidelity, for instance. But our culture tends to view marriages like the Edwards’s or the Sanford’s “as sad compromises, the best of a bad bargain.” But we don’t even have models for marriages that would be the best of a good bargain–especially for ambitious or smart women. What would that even look like?
I’ll paraphrase Gloria Steinem here, since I’ve had literally hundreds and hundreds of smart, ambitious young women pass through my college classrooms–and all of them are trying to figure out how they will balance marriage, family, school and career in their lives. None of my male students worry about that juggling act. They don’t have to. They’ll have wives.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
You know what the decline of marriage would mean?!? No more stepmoms! At least no more “official” stepmoms. Maybe that would be a wonderful, wonderful thing…
February 5th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
A commenter on my psych today blog put it really well: “we all acknowledge that we bring baggage to our marriages, but it’s funny we don’t acknowledge the baggage that the institution of marriage brings to our marriages.”
I agree with Kathy–”Writing a Woman’s Life” and “Why I Want a Wife” are great for anyone’s reading list. The part of stepmothering that is gender-bound and institutionally defined is less explored than the emotional aspects and psychology of the “role.” We talk about our feelings and struggles, but it changes things to see them in historical context–at least it does for me.
Very funny Jill! In that way that true things are very funny….! As in tragi-comic…
February 5th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
The John Edwards and Mark Sanford stories freaked me out I have to admit. And made me feel a little bit hopeless about marriage. What is it that when a man gets power he so often cheats and even starts another “secret family”?!
My marriage works but I don’t think marriage is relevant like it was for my mom. Even in the 60s marriage was about “his and hers roles”–now all that’s less clear. A confession: I do sometimes wonder if like would be easier unmarried! I guess that’s a luxury that women didn’t have before!
Oh, previously in history I guess there were no ex-wives, right? Because women died in childbirth and that’s the reason men remarried? So maybe that’s why women were marrying guys with kids left and right, too–not so scary to contemplate when there’s no ex in the picture!
Thanks for the great articlee. I have a headache!
February 7th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
It is interesting to question institutions like marriage with innocent perception as children can do.
We take so much for granted and that things have to be a certain way, we seldom think things can be a different way.
It suited the religion hierarchy to make us promise to be together in sickness and in health, it suited society to make women loyal.
So we fall for it, hook, line and sinker and we judge and we form opinions based on what society teaches us is proper without observing what is going on for us personally and daring to admit that public opinions are a lot of crap.
What society teaches us changes with what suits the hierarchy, it never teaches what suits individuals.
I will not marry out of principle, I have set my own agreement in place and I am finding my own way of living life which my heart can agree with.
We have bought into so much nonsense, I am stripping it back layer for layer to find what is useful for my life.
That required learning to trust my own thoughts, as I no longer could look outside for what is proper. But I am finding that I am trusting my own guidance about what is ‘proper’ more and more and guess what, my own ‘what is proper’ feels a lot more proper.
February 8th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
Wilma,
I’m sure many here will be inspired by the idea of looking to ourselves “rather than outside for what is proper.” And trusting our own guidance as you are doing. Thanks for your example, and thanks for reading and commenting…
wednesday
February 8th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Thanks Kathy for your recommendations here, and I wholly agree with them. Must reads for anyone wondering about marriage, or just wanting to be more thoughtful about it.
xx wednesday
February 9th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Nope, not necessary for me. And when it comes to finances, I have to tell you, I’m not getting married to a guy who owes child support, not in Canada where they can essentially garnish my wages for child support. Not sure what it’s like in the U.S. but it is scary here.
February 9th, 2010 at 10:41 am
that is, garnish my wages for HIS child support. Outrageous if you ask me and many of my friends married to guys with kids have been ruined financially by it. Plus I have to say honestly, I just resent paying for kids who wish I’d disappear.
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February 20th, 2010 at 3:34 pm
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