Social Support–that’s “friends” to you and me–is your secret weapon
Friendship plays a huge role in our physical and emotional well-being
Do you have a Valentine’s Day hangover? Have you read a million articles and heard a million news reports about marriage and love and crazy proposal schemes and so on over the last days and weeks? Couples and romance are big news–and big business. With so much recent emphasis on the couple bond, romance, love, sex, and so on during the build-up to Valentine’s Day, some other very important relationships may not have gotten their due.
I’m talking about you and your friends. Why you need them, what they do for you, why you literally can’t live (or can’t live as well) without them.
I am honored to find myself a finalist for a “Books for a Better Life” award along with Jeffrey Zazlow. You know him–he co-authored The Final Lecture with Randy Pausch, and more recently wrote The Girls from Ames, a chronicle of the lives and friendships of 11 women from Ames, Iowa over the course of 40 years.
Zazlow found that, in spite of the fact that the women moved apart and lived in eight different states, their friendships sustained them in critical and remarkable ways. One woman lost a child to leukemia. Another battled breast cancer. The women dealt with transitions like divorce, job loss and the stresses of caring for their kids and their parents. Over and over, they supported one another with phone calls, gifts, and emails, extending and benefiting from the tangible and intangible rewards of friendship.
What does science have to say about social support and emotional and physical well-being? You might be surprised. Last spring a New York Times article summarized some pretty incredible research about what friendship can do for us, concluding that friendship is a, if not the, key ingredient in the brew of a healthy life.
A 2004 Ohio State University study looked at the effects of the stress hormone cortisol on lone hamsters versus those paired with a furry friend. Researchers found that skin wounds healed nearly twice as fast in the befriended hamsters. These animals also produced less of the stress hormone cortisol than did unpaired hamsters. Here’s something else: if the researchers deliberately stressed the hamsters by putting them in a confined area, those hamsters who had company in the stressful situation produced less cortisol than the ones confined alone. And the presence of another hamster increased the hamsters’ oxytocin levels. That’s a feel-good, happy type hormone that is also produced when you nurse a baby or fall madly in love. The study’s lead author concludes, “Stress delays wound healing in humans and other animals, and social contact helps counteract this delay.” That’s right, friendship helps us heal.
Another study of 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that those without friends were four times as likely to die as those with ten or more friends. And here’s something amazing: the women didn’t have to see or even be in touch with those friends for the friendship to have a protective effect. And just last year Harvard University researchers found that a good network of friends could promote brain health and improve memory function as we age.
Social support is good for guys, too. A Swedish study found that only smoking was a greater predictor of having a hard attack than was not having friends. That’s right, not having friends can be almost as bad for your health as smoking. As for smoking alone–okay, I’ll stop!
When it comes to your mental health, it seems friendships give us a leg up and a positive attitude, a sense that we Can Do (what woman partnered with someone with kids couldn’t use that?) One of my favorite studies on the topic is the slope slant study. College students were asked to stand at the bottom of a slope and describe its steepness. Those who stood with friends rated the slope as less steep, and the longer they’d been friends with the person they stood with, the less steep they rated it. Climb every mountain –with your best pal.
What does all this mean for women with stepchildren? I don’t think I need to spell it out for you. In a stressful situation your best bet may well be to find some supportive friends, and then hang on like hell. Get out–a good goal might be once a week–away from your home, your partner, and his or her kids if they’re in residence, and have a good time. One of my readers has a regular get-together with friends who have martinis and touch up their color or get haircuts (Okay, maybe the combination of gin and scissors makes me a little nervous, but that’s just me. And we know that even a bad haircut pales in comparison to bad physical and mental health brought on or exacerbated by social isolation!)
You could try a rotating movie night, bowling, whatever works to keep you feeling connected to your pals. Izzy Rose of Stepmother’s Milk is a big proponent of Girl’s Night Out–check out her website for suggestions.
Yes, your spouse is a great person. But research shows that couples who don’t make the extra effort can become isolated in their marriages–marooned together in essence (Gerstel and Sarkisian, “Marriage Reduces Social Ties,” paper for the Council on Contemporary Families, 2007). This can be especially maladaptive for stepcouples, since they may experience aggravating fractures and differences in opinion in their parnterships for the first several years and even longer. Getting out with friends can be a great release and rejuvenator for them, a way to step away from their differences, connect with friends, and feel supported in fundamental and, it turns out, life-altering, if not life-saving, ways.
That’s right. It turns out that friends are the new glass of red wine. Or the new dark chocolate. Or the new green tea. So indulge in friendship, without guilt.
Tags: Books for a Better Life award, health benefits of friendship, Jeffrey Zazlow, mental health benefits of friendship, Science Times, social support, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, The Girls from Ames, The New York Times, wednesday martin
February 17th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
How about getting together for wine, tea, and dark chocolate?
On Monday I got together with a friend I have not seen since November. She had big news: her violently abusive ex finally apologized to her! I had news for her too: a truce between me and my partner regarding me being around his violently abusive children. He has apparently finally accepted the fact that I won’t be in the same room with them, and he has to learn to live with that. I think he got tired of paying for counseling around this issue.
I was one of my friend’s sole supporters when she left her husband. Her friends and his family did not believe that he was violent, but I did. Similarly, she supported me in some of my worst moments with the stepkids and my partner. She told me that I could have a key to her house, if I ever had to run away from a violent stepkid again.
So, stick together, sisters! Eat some chocolate, have some red wine or green tea (depending on the time of day) and give each other strength and courage.
February 17th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
thanks for showing the reserach that backs up my gut feeling, that there is nothing better than seeing or being in touch with my friends when the going gets rough either in my marriage or at work. at first some of my friends were NOT sympathetic to my stepmothering dilemmas–”But think about how the kids feel, etc” as if I weren’t spending every second doing just that. I actually sh owed them jackie fletchers article on how to be a stepmother’s friend, how to support a woman with stepkids, and with two of my friends it made such a huge difference. the worst was one of my friends who had absolutely no sympathy about my two teen stepkids running hte household and basically trying to run me out–all the sympathy was for them and their pain, none for mine. I agree wtih wednesday, we have to understand where the kids are coming from but in a friendship and in general we have to validate stepmother’s feelings too–that’s the only way to really address teh issues. so I would say be careful when you talk to friends about stepmother stuff, they might not care to hear your point of view and that can be pretty upsetting–but when they can it’s a lifeline
February 17th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Dear Da Wiz,
Great for you and your friend that you had one another in these moments. Having a non-critical listener can make all the difference in the world in fortifying us to go forward with a decision–feeling supported can change everything.
Yes Terri I agree that it isn’t easy when a friend just doesn’t get it about the complexities of stepfamily life, and says something insipid or even worse, judgmental. I’ll post the link to Jacque’s article “How to be a Stepmom’s Friend” soon–thanks for the reminder!
thanks to you both for reading and commenting,
xx wednesday
February 17th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
My friend Laura and I made a pact that no matter what, we have dinner or lunch together twice a week. We’re not allowed to cancel! And if we do we HAVE to reschedule within the next couple of days. Come hell or high water. We’ve stuck to this for ten years, sometimes inviting other friends to join us, sometimes just the two of us. It’s one of the most sustaining friendships I can imagine. Laura listens without judging, and I do the same for her. Priceless!
February 17th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
I mean twice a month not twice per week! Though lunch with a girlfriend twice per week would be great!
February 17th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Girlfriends are the BEST. My favorite story is that I’m still best friends with two other women that I met in the 9th grade. We followed each other from Berkeley, CA to Portland, OR. We knew each others’ families from growing up together, we went away to different colleges but always remained friends. We’ve been through marriages and divorces, and two of us remarried into stepfamilies. We’re always there for each other whether joyful or sad. AND DO WE TALK! Soon we’re facing our BIG high school reunion…together. We never imagined we would last this long.
Thanks Wednesday for reminding me of what I’ve always known is true.
February 17th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
Congratulations to you Wednesday on being nominated for the award from Books for a Better Life. I am so pleased for you that you are being recognized for legitimizing stepmothers and recognizing our very complicated feelings. That is quite an honor. I know that I have truly changed and feel totally validated with my stepmom feelings…whatever they may be….even so many years after my husband and I were married. The feelings of isolation, anger, and confusion never go away. I have learned that I only have two or three people in my life with whom I can be totally honest and feel supported when I need to vent about any stepfamily issues. I am not honest with many of my friends because there is often judgment when I say the truth of how I am feeling. So, I feel lucky to have the people I do talk to and cherish those relationships.
February 18th, 2010 at 10:56 am
This is something I know for sure! I would be lost and lonely without my girlfriends! They are the core of my being. I meet for lunch, book club and any other time I can squeeze in between the two jobs I work.
I am blessed beyond belief with an amazing support group. These woman support, love and bless me with ears that listen (ad nauseum) to me.
Friendship rocks and mine are the best!
February 18th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Sally, always so good to know you are reading and thanks for your good wishes. So glad to be reminded of your friendships that are a source of support re your marriage and relationship with his kids! Only disclosing to people who can give you compassion is a smart lesson for all of us so thank you.
Susan, maybe you should write The Girls from Berkeley! Love the stories of long-term connections that continue to grow and nourish. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Hi Talia, So well put. We know that you are much better off, and so is your marriage or partnership, because you have friends who listen and prop you up if/when you need it!
xx wednesday
February 18th, 2010 at 11:24 am
Terri wrote:
“the worst was one of my friends who had absolutely no sympathy about my two teen stepkids running hte household and basically trying to run me out–all the sympathy was for them and their pain, none for mine.”
Unfortunately I’ve run into this attitude a lot with therapists, so much so that we eventually quit going to therapy.
February 18th, 2010 at 11:59 am
Coy Benedict: get your sleazy self outta here or suffer the wrath of da wiznitch!! This is not a pimping site.
February 18th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
Coy Benedict….what about these posts about stepmothers and friends is making you think about Asian women? It’s an interesting segue.
February 18th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
I think Coy Benedith is a spambot.
February 18th, 2010 at 6:44 pm
You are all right about the spam. Sorry, they’re getting more clever about getting through my spam filter. Thanks for the alert!
-wednesday
February 18th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Wednesday, I’m not sure how hands-on you are with maintaining the behind-the-scenes Wordpress stuff — if you have someone who maintains your website for you, it might be worth making sure they have upgraded your version of Wordpress to the latest version. I think that might have something to do with the spam. You mentioned once that you weren’t super into the tech side of things, so I thought it’s possible you might have a tech guy or girl who set up your website for you, but who isn’t around all the time to make sure you have the latest version. I hope it doesn’t come across as obnoxious!
February 18th, 2010 at 7:23 pm
Many thanks Jill, not hands-on enough, apparently. I appreciate your advice.
xx wednesday
February 23rd, 2010 at 10:19 am
[...] Expert advice from friend and colleague Wednesday Martin. Read the full article HERE [...]
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:56 am
Nice, Very nice