Tell Me About It–How Do YOU Balance Kids’ Needs with Yours?
How do you balance your needs as a couple with the kids' needs?
Susan Wisdom, LPC, is answering a question she hears a lot when she does therapy with couples in repartnerships with children: “How do we balance the needs of his kids with our needs as a couple?”
Have a look at her piece, “Your Needs, the Kids’ Needs–What’s a Stepcouple to Do?”
And let me know: How do you and your husband or partner balance these needs?
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepcoupling, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, Susan Wisdom, wednesday martin
February 25th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Our main problem is that we’re not wrapped up ENOUGH with each other! We don’t have much of a couple bond because of the “kids first” mentality around here. I wish I had the problem of my husband focusing too much on us. That would be easier to fix than dealing with him putting me and the marriage on the back burner while the kids take priority. Don’t mean to sound bitter, but that’s how it is with me!
February 25th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I agree with Jan, the biggest problem in most families (step or bio) is that the couple spends too much time focusing on the kids and not enough time with each other. That was the problem in both of our first marriages, so we made a commitment early in our relationship to have a date night. We have been faithful to our weekly date night (we’ve only missed 3 in 3 years) and I think it has been what has strengthened our relationship. When we’re happy as a couple, it trickles down to the kids. And if the percolator starts to boil (we have one particular “percolator” in our family), we’re able to stop it in it’s tracks because of the sheer strength of our relationship. We have a total of five children together, so it would be easy to get completely wrapped up in their needs and forget about each other. It’s really all about balance!
February 25th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
I agree with the other commenters. A healthy family involves both giving and taking. If the adults are only doing the giving and the kids are only doing the taking, then an unhealthy dynamic forms that affects everyone’s happiness. My relationship with my husband always comes first, mainly because even after the kids have grown up and moved out, we will still be there! I can’t imagine how much it would stink to be so wrapped up in the kids that we lose ourselves and our love for each other.
February 25th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Thanks,Jan and Brigette. You bring up a good point of our child centered culture today. Our children are raising their kids differently from the way we did it. While this is good for kids …maybe… it’s particularly hard on stepcouples because that bond is new, fragile, and susceptible to stepfamily pressures. (We all know what they are.) Brigette is right about a strong stepcouple relationship tricking down to the kids. The question is “how to you build and endure a strong stepcouple in today’s culture?”
I’m open to your ideas!
February 25th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
My husband and I always put each other first, even above the kids. That’s not to say that we feed and clothe ourselves before them, that’s not what I mean.
We always ask how the other feels about something before the decision is made, especially when it comes to his kids. My husband goes out of his way to make sure I am included in the decisions he has to make where his kids are concerned. It makes me feel like part of the family, where I would otherwise feel excluded and unimportant. He understands how hard it is for me to come into an already established family and he also values my opinion as an “outsider” of sorts on matters between him and BM. He does not always take my advice, but it’s ok. I feel special that he thought to ask.
My husband also understands that the bond between him and I will be there long after the children are grown, so that bond is the one that takes priority in our household. If we do not look out for one another’s feelings, we will have nothing to stand on when the kids are gone.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
A thought about friendship. I think that both women and men are relational but in different ways. Women have feelings and need to talk about them. They want to be heard and validated…certainly we stepmoms need this. Men have friends that THEY DON’T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS WITH.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Cecilia, you are very lucky! Thanks for sharing.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
one of the women I interviewed for my book told me that in spite of them having five children between the two of them (can you imagine FIVE teenagers?!) and lots of bumps, she could stick it out because her husband always said, “If we’re solid, we can deal with anything.” I told her she was very lucky!
it’s also my impression that with more involved fathering, divorced and repartnered men have become more conflicted and confused about how the be a father AND a partner.
like susan I am open to all suggestions here about how to get that balance!
xx wednesday
February 25th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
In our house, each kid gets time alone with their dad for a few hours every week — they each have a regular hangout alone date with their dad. Something we’re just starting to try is on the weekends they’re with us, I get time alone with my husband for a couple of hours out of the weekend — I think we’re going to try Sunday morning brunch while they’re sleeping in. (They’re teenagers, so this makes more sense than it would if they were younger!)
February 25th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Susan – I honestly don’t think our overly child-centered culture is good for children. I think it sends the message that childhood is the only “golden age” of life. Are adults meant to just give up their interests, hopes, dreams and individual pursuits in the name of giving children a good life? In the worst cases, being overly child-centered creates a situation where everything is done for that child by the adults in his or her life. When does the child learn to be his own individual and stand on his own two feet?
Wednesday – I have to agree with the other posters. I think the trouble in most families (nuclear or step) is that they drop everything in the name of the kids. Mom and Dad forget what makes them tick as individuals and as a couple. What kind of life is it, really, when you’re just living it for someone else (i.e. the children)?
I agree with Susan that balance is key. The kids’ needs should be considered and honored, but they are not the only family members with needs. Our society doesn’t really benefit from martyr parents, and it is ok for adults to honor their own needs as well.
February 25th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Hi all,
And thanks for your comments.
Jill, great plan. In my book I talk about how by giving the kids this “alone time” with dad we seem less threatening, plus we get a break ourselves. I love your Sunday brunch idea.
AJ, yes, I agree and there is plenty of evidence that dad’s task here is to transfer the site of intimacy and decision making from the dad-kid relationship to the husband-wife or partner-partner dyad. If he can’t do that, we’ll have really empowered, confused kids, resentful wives/partners, and dads who feel forever conflicted and guilty. As I say over and over in my book, in a remarriage with kids, Marriage first.
xx wednesday
February 26th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I agree with Wednesday …”Marriage first” because that’s where the good energy and fuel comes from to mutually support the kids, deal with the exes, and meet all the sf challenges.
Jill – superb idea to do Sunday brunch while the teenagers sleep in. It’s those kind of traditions that work so well. Thanks
Everyone – keep coming up with ideas that work for your stepcouple and stepfamily.
xxSusan
February 28th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
This is so important. I read your article on SEX in Stepmom Magazine In February and it was a relief to know that other step moms lose their libido under the pressure of adapting to this situation. I used to love sex but there have been so many overwhelming emotions along the way that sometimes it seems like something on my to do list. It doesn’t help that we are falling into a pattern where we don’t have sex when we have the kids (half the time) which I’m sure is a slippery slope to trouble. I know we have to put our marriage first sex included, and I loved your tips from that article, so thank you so much. It is a real challenge to keep the relationship fresh and fun but the most important aspect of this whole scenario.
March 1st, 2010 at 10:26 am
AJ and Wednesday,
With day-to-day living, I agree with your ‘marriage first’ point of view. Right now, though, putting the needs of the relationship first in my life = moving out of state for my career. In a shared custody situation, it’s awful to feel like I’m instigating this type of change in my SD’s life. Even though my partner is on board and willing to come (even if his daughter can’t), it’s forever altering the nature of the contact my tween SD has with both parents, and with me. It’s hard to put adult decisions like career mobility, quality of life, salary and retirement savings, affordability of housing (whatever!), before needs of the child. While I imagine it’s good for her to see us take a healthy risk and achieve things, I also imagine the loss she’ll feel over what’s known and familiar. Custody law certainly isn’t on our side, nor are the sympathies of most parents we’ve talked to….
March 1st, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for reading and for commenting. I do think it’s a huge help for women to know they’re not alone and that many of our experience when we take on life with stepkids of any age follows an almost predictable and normal (if really frustrating sometimes) trajectory. Oh, that pattern you describe–get out of it! Otherwise you’ll equate his kids showing up with missing out on affection and sex, and inevitably come to resent him and them for it. Here’s hoping for a discussion between you and your partner about it soon!
Frankie, what you’re going through does sound really difficult. Your stepdaughter certainly is fortunate to have three adults in the picture who are thinking through how life decisions and transitions will impact her. Sometimes there is no perfect answer. Without knowing more about your situation, I can only wish you the very best and guess that you and your partner will come up with all the creative solutions you can so that your marriage and your stepdaughter are both healthy. Good luck, and come back soon, xx wednesday
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:34 pm
What an eye opener. I feel that I am starting that pattern and I didn’t realize it: the kids are around and I am ignored = resentful me! The kids aren’t around and I am adored = happy me. Not a good long term scenario. Need to find balance in life.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
Great to read and reflect and get more ideas. For myself, I’ve nudged my husband to spend more time alone with his kids, but we have never formalized it. I know from being a stepdaughter that I cherished time alone with my parents. That did not mean I resented being around my stepdad or stepmom, but just that there was a level of closeness that I needed to have with my parents. In the early years of our marriage, I tried to be around for most of the “family” events, mostly so I could sort out how to fit and where to sit and how it was all coming together. As Wednesday says, there is a predictability that I couldn’t see back then, but now it’s clear as a bell. Here’s stage 1, stage 2, stage 3.
And, maybe we’re at Stage 4, not sure. Right now, with 2 in college and a 14-year-old at home, I’m trying less. I feel more secure in my relationship with my husband and am ready to let go of a whole bunch of things, just in time cuz the kids are “that age.” This weekend, for example, I’m headed back to my hometown to visit my older brother who’d having a rough time and living alone. I’ll see old friends from high school and my brother and I are even visiting our stepdad.
Being gone for a weekend every other month or so has actually strengthened my relationship with my husband. We have always had a date night that we have stuck with at least 90% of the time, and it feels good for me to get back in touch with some of my other kinds of supports. In the end, it’s what Susan said, we women have to talk. Emphasis on HAVE. “The Female Brain”, Louann Brizendine, MD, is a wonderful look at WHY we need to do that. Such fabulous validation backed up with a great deal of research. Anyway, when I can do the yak with friends stuff and come into connection with my husband without the need to process, he and I always have a better start to our time together. Which isn’t to say he and I don’t talk, we DO, but with a different entrance and softer progression which works well.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Forgot to mention that when I’m gone, my stepson is here so he and his dad get their alone time.
And, I don’t cook for the kids. That takes a huge pressure off my relationship with my husband. Occasionally, I offer up cooking a meal when I’ve got the itch, but my husband likes to cook and has always done that for his kids, so I let him. He knows what they like, don’t like, and I don’t carry my resentments into our private time. It works for us.
March 19th, 2010 at 11:54 am
Hi Everyone -
Just read over these comments. They’re great! What strikes me is how creative you women/stepmoms are.. Also how patient you have to be. And how sad some your situations are. But when the chores are done, TV is off, cells phones and computers are silenced, it’s just the two of you in the sack…finally. If possible, that’s the time to be mindful of what you have, two warm bodies of people who partnered up to power through the challenges of stepcoupling and stepparenting. After hugs, kisses… or whatever, you’d better get to sleep because tomorrow’s another day. You’ll need your energy..
Susan