Comments on: Tell Me About It–How Do YOU Balance Kids’ Needs with Yours? http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/ Official Blog for the Author of Stepmonster Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:49:16 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Susan Wisdom http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-13798 Susan Wisdom Fri, 19 Mar 2010 16:54:15 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-13798 Hi Everyone - Just read over these comments. They're great! What strikes me is how creative you women/stepmoms are.. Also how patient you have to be. And how sad some your situations are. But when the chores are done, TV is off, cells phones and computers are silenced, it's just the two of you in the sack...finally. If possible, that's the time to be mindful of what you have, two warm bodies of people who partnered up to power through the challenges of stepcoupling and stepparenting. After hugs, kisses... or whatever, you'd better get to sleep because tomorrow's another day. You'll need your energy.. Susan Hi Everyone -
Just read over these comments. They’re great! What strikes me is how creative you women/stepmoms are.. Also how patient you have to be. And how sad some your situations are. But when the chores are done, TV is off, cells phones and computers are silenced, it’s just the two of you in the sack…finally. If possible, that’s the time to be mindful of what you have, two warm bodies of people who partnered up to power through the challenges of stepcoupling and stepparenting. After hugs, kisses… or whatever, you’d better get to sleep because tomorrow’s another day. You’ll need your energy..
Susan

]]> By: Kim http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12857 Kim Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:41:14 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12857 Forgot to mention that when I'm gone, my stepson is here so he and his dad get their alone time. ;-) And, I don't cook for the kids. That takes a huge pressure off my relationship with my husband. Occasionally, I offer up cooking a meal when I've got the itch, but my husband likes to cook and has always done that for his kids, so I let him. He knows what they like, don't like, and I don't carry my resentments into our private time. It works for us. Forgot to mention that when I’m gone, my stepson is here so he and his dad get their alone time. ;-) And, I don’t cook for the kids. That takes a huge pressure off my relationship with my husband. Occasionally, I offer up cooking a meal when I’ve got the itch, but my husband likes to cook and has always done that for his kids, so I let him. He knows what they like, don’t like, and I don’t carry my resentments into our private time. It works for us.

]]> By: Kim http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12856 Kim Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:36:35 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12856 Great to read and reflect and get more ideas. For myself, I've nudged my husband to spend more time alone with his kids, but we have never formalized it. I know from being a stepdaughter that I cherished time alone with my parents. That did not mean I resented being around my stepdad or stepmom, but just that there was a level of closeness that I needed to have with my parents. In the early years of our marriage, I tried to be around for most of the "family" events, mostly so I could sort out how to fit and where to sit and how it was all coming together. As Wednesday says, there is a predictability that I couldn't see back then, but now it's clear as a bell. Here's stage 1, stage 2, stage 3. And, maybe we're at Stage 4, not sure. Right now, with 2 in college and a 14-year-old at home, I'm trying less. I feel more secure in my relationship with my husband and am ready to let go of a whole bunch of things, just in time cuz the kids are "that age." This weekend, for example, I'm headed back to my hometown to visit my older brother who'd having a rough time and living alone. I'll see old friends from high school and my brother and I are even visiting our stepdad. Being gone for a weekend every other month or so has actually strengthened my relationship with my husband. We have always had a date night that we have stuck with at least 90% of the time, and it feels good for me to get back in touch with some of my other kinds of supports. In the end, it's what Susan said, we women have to talk. Emphasis on HAVE. "The Female Brain", Louann Brizendine, MD, is a wonderful look at WHY we need to do that. Such fabulous validation backed up with a great deal of research. Anyway, when I can do the yak with friends stuff and come into connection with my husband without the need to process, he and I always have a better start to our time together. Which isn't to say he and I don't talk, we DO, but with a different entrance and softer progression which works well. Great to read and reflect and get more ideas. For myself, I’ve nudged my husband to spend more time alone with his kids, but we have never formalized it. I know from being a stepdaughter that I cherished time alone with my parents. That did not mean I resented being around my stepdad or stepmom, but just that there was a level of closeness that I needed to have with my parents. In the early years of our marriage, I tried to be around for most of the “family” events, mostly so I could sort out how to fit and where to sit and how it was all coming together. As Wednesday says, there is a predictability that I couldn’t see back then, but now it’s clear as a bell. Here’s stage 1, stage 2, stage 3.

And, maybe we’re at Stage 4, not sure. Right now, with 2 in college and a 14-year-old at home, I’m trying less. I feel more secure in my relationship with my husband and am ready to let go of a whole bunch of things, just in time cuz the kids are “that age.” This weekend, for example, I’m headed back to my hometown to visit my older brother who’d having a rough time and living alone. I’ll see old friends from high school and my brother and I are even visiting our stepdad.

Being gone for a weekend every other month or so has actually strengthened my relationship with my husband. We have always had a date night that we have stuck with at least 90% of the time, and it feels good for me to get back in touch with some of my other kinds of supports. In the end, it’s what Susan said, we women have to talk. Emphasis on HAVE. “The Female Brain”, Louann Brizendine, MD, is a wonderful look at WHY we need to do that. Such fabulous validation backed up with a great deal of research. Anyway, when I can do the yak with friends stuff and come into connection with my husband without the need to process, he and I always have a better start to our time together. Which isn’t to say he and I don’t talk, we DO, but with a different entrance and softer progression which works well.

]]> By: Lisa Bagshaw http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12732 Lisa Bagshaw Wed, 03 Mar 2010 01:34:18 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12732 What an eye opener. I feel that I am starting that pattern and I didn't realize it: the kids are around and I am ignored = resentful me! The kids aren't around and I am adored = happy me. Not a good long term scenario. Need to find balance in life. What an eye opener. I feel that I am starting that pattern and I didn’t realize it: the kids are around and I am ignored = resentful me! The kids aren’t around and I am adored = happy me. Not a good long term scenario. Need to find balance in life.

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12662 admin Mon, 01 Mar 2010 19:08:52 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12662 Hi Lisa, Thanks for reading and for commenting. I do think it's a huge help for women to know they're not alone and that many of our experience when we take on life with stepkids of any age follows an almost predictable and normal (if really frustrating sometimes) trajectory. Oh, that pattern you describe--get out of it! Otherwise you'll equate his kids showing up with missing out on affection and sex, and inevitably come to resent him and them for it. Here's hoping for a discussion between you and your partner about it soon! Frankie, what you're going through does sound really difficult. Your stepdaughter certainly is fortunate to have three adults in the picture who are thinking through how life decisions and transitions will impact her. Sometimes there is no perfect answer. Without knowing more about your situation, I can only wish you the very best and guess that you and your partner will come up with all the creative solutions you can so that your marriage and your stepdaughter are both healthy. Good luck, and come back soon, xx wednesday Hi Lisa,
Thanks for reading and for commenting. I do think it’s a huge help for women to know they’re not alone and that many of our experience when we take on life with stepkids of any age follows an almost predictable and normal (if really frustrating sometimes) trajectory. Oh, that pattern you describe–get out of it! Otherwise you’ll equate his kids showing up with missing out on affection and sex, and inevitably come to resent him and them for it. Here’s hoping for a discussion between you and your partner about it soon!

Frankie, what you’re going through does sound really difficult. Your stepdaughter certainly is fortunate to have three adults in the picture who are thinking through how life decisions and transitions will impact her. Sometimes there is no perfect answer. Without knowing more about your situation, I can only wish you the very best and guess that you and your partner will come up with all the creative solutions you can so that your marriage and your stepdaughter are both healthy. Good luck, and come back soon, xx wednesday

]]> By: Frankie http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12654 Frankie Mon, 01 Mar 2010 15:26:39 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12654 AJ and Wednesday, With day-to-day living, I agree with your 'marriage first' point of view. Right now, though, putting the needs of the relationship first in my life = moving out of state for my career. In a shared custody situation, it's awful to feel like I'm instigating this type of change in my SD's life. Even though my partner is on board and willing to come (even if his daughter can't), it's forever altering the nature of the contact my tween SD has with both parents, and with me. It's hard to put adult decisions like career mobility, quality of life, salary and retirement savings, affordability of housing (whatever!), before needs of the child. While I imagine it's good for her to see us take a healthy risk and achieve things, I also imagine the loss she'll feel over what's known and familiar. Custody law certainly isn't on our side, nor are the sympathies of most parents we've talked to.... AJ and Wednesday,

With day-to-day living, I agree with your ‘marriage first’ point of view. Right now, though, putting the needs of the relationship first in my life = moving out of state for my career. In a shared custody situation, it’s awful to feel like I’m instigating this type of change in my SD’s life. Even though my partner is on board and willing to come (even if his daughter can’t), it’s forever altering the nature of the contact my tween SD has with both parents, and with me. It’s hard to put adult decisions like career mobility, quality of life, salary and retirement savings, affordability of housing (whatever!), before needs of the child. While I imagine it’s good for her to see us take a healthy risk and achieve things, I also imagine the loss she’ll feel over what’s known and familiar. Custody law certainly isn’t on our side, nor are the sympathies of most parents we’ve talked to….

]]> By: Lisa Bagshaw http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12636 Lisa Bagshaw Mon, 01 Mar 2010 04:51:17 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12636 This is so important. I read your article on SEX in Stepmom Magazine In February and it was a relief to know that other step moms lose their libido under the pressure of adapting to this situation. I used to love sex but there have been so many overwhelming emotions along the way that sometimes it seems like something on my to do list. It doesn't help that we are falling into a pattern where we don't have sex when we have the kids (half the time) which I'm sure is a slippery slope to trouble. I know we have to put our marriage first sex included, and I loved your tips from that article, so thank you so much. It is a real challenge to keep the relationship fresh and fun but the most important aspect of this whole scenario. This is so important. I read your article on SEX in Stepmom Magazine In February and it was a relief to know that other step moms lose their libido under the pressure of adapting to this situation. I used to love sex but there have been so many overwhelming emotions along the way that sometimes it seems like something on my to do list. It doesn’t help that we are falling into a pattern where we don’t have sex when we have the kids (half the time) which I’m sure is a slippery slope to trouble. I know we have to put our marriage first sex included, and I loved your tips from that article, so thank you so much. It is a real challenge to keep the relationship fresh and fun but the most important aspect of this whole scenario.

]]> By: Susan Wisdom http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12517 Susan Wisdom Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:21:11 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12517 I agree with Wednesday ..."Marriage first" because that's where the good energy and fuel comes from to mutually support the kids, deal with the exes, and meet all the sf challenges. Jill - superb idea to do Sunday brunch while the teenagers sleep in. It's those kind of traditions that work so well. Thanks Everyone - keep coming up with ideas that work for your stepcouple and stepfamily. xxSusan I agree with Wednesday …”Marriage first” because that’s where the good energy and fuel comes from to mutually support the kids, deal with the exes, and meet all the sf challenges.

Jill – superb idea to do Sunday brunch while the teenagers sleep in. It’s those kind of traditions that work so well. Thanks

Everyone – keep coming up with ideas that work for your stepcouple and stepfamily.

xxSusan

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12486 admin Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:09:11 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12486 Hi all, And thanks for your comments. Jill, great plan. In my book I talk about how by giving the kids this "alone time" with dad we seem less threatening, plus we get a break ourselves. I love your Sunday brunch idea. AJ, yes, I agree and there is plenty of evidence that dad's task here is to transfer the site of intimacy and decision making from the dad-kid relationship to the husband-wife or partner-partner dyad. If he can't do that, we'll have really empowered, confused kids, resentful wives/partners, and dads who feel forever conflicted and guilty. As I say over and over in my book, in a remarriage with kids, Marriage first. xx wednesday Hi all,
And thanks for your comments.
Jill, great plan. In my book I talk about how by giving the kids this “alone time” with dad we seem less threatening, plus we get a break ourselves. I love your Sunday brunch idea.

AJ, yes, I agree and there is plenty of evidence that dad’s task here is to transfer the site of intimacy and decision making from the dad-kid relationship to the husband-wife or partner-partner dyad. If he can’t do that, we’ll have really empowered, confused kids, resentful wives/partners, and dads who feel forever conflicted and guilty. As I say over and over in my book, in a remarriage with kids, Marriage first.

xx wednesday

]]> By: A.J. http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/02/tell-me-about-it-how-do-you-balance-kids-needs-with-yours/comment-page-1/#comment-12476 A.J. Thu, 25 Feb 2010 22:18:50 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=826#comment-12476 Susan - I honestly don't think our overly child-centered culture is good for children. I think it sends the message that childhood is the only "golden age" of life. Are adults meant to just give up their interests, hopes, dreams and individual pursuits in the name of giving children a good life? In the worst cases, being overly child-centered creates a situation where everything is done for that child by the adults in his or her life. When does the child learn to be his own individual and stand on his own two feet? Wednesday - I have to agree with the other posters. I think the trouble in most families (nuclear or step) is that they drop everything in the name of the kids. Mom and Dad forget what makes them tick as individuals and as a couple. What kind of life is it, really, when you're just living it for someone else (i.e. the children)? I agree with Susan that balance is key. The kids' needs should be considered and honored, but they are not the only family members with needs. Our society doesn't really benefit from martyr parents, and it is ok for adults to honor their own needs as well. Susan – I honestly don’t think our overly child-centered culture is good for children. I think it sends the message that childhood is the only “golden age” of life. Are adults meant to just give up their interests, hopes, dreams and individual pursuits in the name of giving children a good life? In the worst cases, being overly child-centered creates a situation where everything is done for that child by the adults in his or her life. When does the child learn to be his own individual and stand on his own two feet?

Wednesday – I have to agree with the other posters. I think the trouble in most families (nuclear or step) is that they drop everything in the name of the kids. Mom and Dad forget what makes them tick as individuals and as a couple. What kind of life is it, really, when you’re just living it for someone else (i.e. the children)?

I agree with Susan that balance is key. The kids’ needs should be considered and honored, but they are not the only family members with needs. Our society doesn’t really benefit from martyr parents, and it is ok for adults to honor their own needs as well.

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