Tell Me About It–YOUR Friendships
Did you know friendships have a greater affect on your physical and emotional health than your marriage or partnership does?
I recently posted a piece on my blog that summarizes the research on how and why friendship is good for you. Now I want to know about YOUR friendships and support networks.
Fun fact: Did you know friendship benefits your health and emotional well-being even if you’re not in regular touch with your friends according to at least one study?
TELL ME ABOUT IT:
How many friends do you have? How many do you feel can listen to you talk about problems you might have step-wise in a supportive, non-judgmental way? When was your last get-together or contact with a friend and what did you do? Are you part of an organization–temple, mosque, church, support group–that gives you a feeling of community and support? Make a plan to see a friend right now, and tell us about what you’ll be doing.
Tags: blended family, divorce, emotional benefits of friendships, family, friendship, health benefits of friendship, remarriage, remarriage with children, research on friendship, stepchildren, stepmonster, stepmother, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren
February 18th, 2010 at 11:58 am
I don’t have lots of friends, but I really trust and adore the ones I do have. I think I’m a bit clan-ish and selective about who I let in my circle.
My friends give me an outlet for conversation and connection that I can’t get with my spouse. I love him dearly and tell him everything, but there is something unique about sharing woman-to-woman. I value it very much.
February 18th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Valentines Day – had lunch & shopping with my maid of honor. It was such a great day! (Especially since the hubby refused to recognize a hallmark holiday)
February 18th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
I tend to isolate myself, I’m realizing as I read your posts here, and it’s sinking in that this is NOT good. I’m a bit of an introvert and have to fight my impulse to just come home and fall into a book if I have any free time at all. Once I’m with my friends I do really enjoy their company. I would say I have a core of 5 – 10 friends. They don’t all know each other and we dont’ do big group outings but sometimes 3 or 4 of us go out.
I’m going to call a friend and make a plan after this. I think I’ll suggest we go to the movies and a drink over the weekend, always fun.
My concern is that my husband and I are living what you describe here as being kind of isolate d in our marriage. I thikn we need to get together with friends as a couple more too. We used to do a bridge night and I might try to get that goin gagain.
thanks!!
February 18th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Hi, When you count the ones I’m not in touch with (cool finding!) I’m thinking I have a group of about 20 friends. I’m in touch with about 8 girlfriends on a regular basis. We’re sort of a gang since college. We’re able to get together more often now that step/kids are older and out of the house. I have to say I’m really enjoying this period of my kids and stepkids being more independent and not living with us because it’s allowing me more time wth friends. Five of us are planning to all descend on a ski area not far from us this coming weekend. Can’t wait, pray for snow please! The last thing I did with a friend was Tuesday a work friend and I had lunch out. A nice treat.
February 18th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I have two friend networks, because I live in two places. One is in rural TN, and the other is in the huge city of Houston.
I have to say that my friends in TN are in some ways better and older friends. It’s easier to get to know people well in a small rural community. You can’t be too picky
about who your friends are; you can’t just hang with people who are exactly like you in age, income, religious beliefs, interests, etc. You have to be tolerant. In some ways, rural people can be more tolerant than urban people, for that reason.
But ALL my neighborhood friends in TN have one thing in common: we are gardeners! In my TN community, friendships are cultivated by a sort of reciprocity of favors: by doing stuff to help each other and giving each other stuff, mainly food and overflow from gardens. (This is not as prevalent in Houston: people don’t really seem to know how to reciprocate as easily. Maybe because they don’t have big gardens?)
I also cultivate these friendships by walking every day in the late afternoon. Our road is a dead end, and so it’s safe for people, dogs, and slow traffic. People cut off their engines on tractors and cars and sit and talk in the middle of the road for 30 or 40 minutes. That doesn’t happen in Houston. Traffic and cars and noise and speed are big obstacles to human contact.
In Houston, you have to make more of an effort to have friends, because everybody is so busy. Nobody tells stories for an hour or so like they do in the rural South. I know a lot less about the life stories of my Houston friends.
And you have to drive somewhere usually. I have some neighborhood friends in Houston, but not as many, and they’re not really old friends like in TN. Maybe they will be some day. I also have some work friends but we rarely get together outside of work.
One interesting thing is that in Houston, my friends are more ethnically diverse than in TN, but they are more politically and ideologically homogenous. I’ve noticed that people in Houston hang with people who are like them politically, religiously, and economically, more so than in rural TN. Houstonians often seem to have trouble liking or respecting or even talking to people who they think of as “different” politically or religiously.
I think of friendship as a subset of the issue of community. I’ve learned a lot about the decline of community in the US from reading Robert Putnam’s books and articles, particularly Bowling Alone.
February 18th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
I get a lot out of my church–just in terms of friendships, feeling supported, feeling part of something, a community I suppose is how I’d term it. I’m lucky that our church has been very active and enlightened (Unitarians : ) !) about dealing with family issues including stepfamilies. Our church has a support group for stepfamilies and for me that was a lifeline for a time. I became very good friends with three of the women from the group.
Also I’m in a bookgroup a bunch of like-minded friends started. We meet every Wednesday night so I saw friends just last night. There’s no such thing as seeing friends too often. I want to work on encouraging my husband to have more friendships–he’s has a good friend but mostly I think he talks to me and looks to me for support. Happy to be there for him but seems he’d be healthier with a group of friends, too?
February 18th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
I have the.best.friends.ever. Truly, I have been blessed with such amazing women in my life. They are an intelligent, loving, caring and strong group of women.
We meet monthly for book club, we go to movies, lunch, shows, whatever…it doesn’t matter as long as we are together. They have helped me weather some storms and have seen me at my worst and still they love and support me. I thank God every day for each of them. I know how truly special they each are and how honored I am to call them friends.
February 18th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
I’ve noticed too that men seem to have more trouble sometimes making friends and nurturing friendships than women do. I’ve heard or read that it’s in part because they are afraid if they get too close to another man, they might seem “gay.” Also I think that men are socialized not to talk about feelings and their inner life as much: that’s almost a cliche, but one that happens to be true.
Maybe our husbands and partners would have an easier time setting boundaries with their children if their children weren’t their only friends.
February 19th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being active duty military and a military spouse – it’s to build your own support network. I called it my safety net. Because I was far away from home, I had to build a network from strangers who became friends. And each time we moved, I had to build the network all over again. I still am connected to the networks I began building twenty-five years ago (YIKES!) and with my husband getting ready to deploy to the mid east this summer, I’m building a brand new support network.
Same goes for stepmoms – build your network. Cultivate a number of girlfriends because we needs girls we can have martinis with, girls we can talk about books with, girls we can go to the movies with, girls we can dish with, girls we can shop with, etc.
All in favor of Girls Night Out…say AYE!
February 20th, 2010 at 9:20 am
I have a small network of people I am very close to which is definitely a life saver. I also have a wonderful husband who is also my best friend. It is that relationship that has enabled us to get through incredibly trying times dealing with his children and ex wife. We are also blessed with a great church family.
February 23rd, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Friendships and support are vital. I work with many stepmothers and I am one. I am also a wife and mother. I have wonderful friends, EXCEPT when it comes to trying to talk to them about the challenges of stepfamilies. They don’t get it. They judge. It has become a burr in my friendships. Many of the stepmothers I work with experience this same sense of loneliness and isolation. Forget the term “stepmother”…how about “STEPPED-ON”. I love it and I will now call myself that
It is essential to have the support of other women and men who get it. Your work in this area provides that and I thank you so much for your friendship…I am a better person because of it.
February 25th, 2010 at 11:07 am
Mary, I don’t think you’re alone in discovering from hard experience that it pays to be very careful about disclosing stories about how difficult stepmothering can be. Some people, even friends, just can’t/won’t hear it. I have dreams of a big public education campaign–along the lines of what was done to educate our society about wearing seatbelts, the dangers of smoking, and the need to take precautions in the sun–about how stepfamilies really work and what they’re really about!! Better understanding would ease the difficulty for so many people!
Tracy, glad you have found that network and hold on to it!
Peggy, I love all the suggestions. And I know you practice what you preach!
Da Wiz, as usual, thanks for the insights. I think you’re so right that for men, friendship–which can be so adaptive and beneficial–is more fraught with anxiety and discomfort that it is for women because of our cultural script about how men should be self-sufficient, non-expressive, solitary, “solid as a rock,” etc.
xx wednesday