Will You Be Your Valentine?
You know you deserve it!
No, that’s not a typo. This post in the Sex, Love, Lust, Romance, Power series as we count down to Valentine’s Day is about something every woman with stepkids need to learn: self love.
As I was researching my book Stepmonster, one woman with teen stepkids told me her secret motto was, “Love yourself because your teen stepkids sure won’t!” Unfortunately this observation often holds true for younger and even older stepkids, too. In terribly loyalty binds, they perceive loving or even liking you as a betrayal of mom. And your efforts to win them over will only exacerbate their internal conflict, and their rejection of you.
Take heart–this is not an impossible bind. In spite of your relational tendencies, your need to have the love and approval of everyone, and the feeling that you have failed if you don’t have it from your stepkids, there is a way around it all. Stop focusing on winning them over. Start focusing on your partnership and yourself.
Self care is an important Valentine’s Day gift I’d like to see every woman with stepkids give herself. Because the research is clear that women who take time away from their stepfamilies and even their partners to go out with friends, read a novel, catch a movie mid-day, go for a walk, meditate, get a massage, and more are the ones with increased resilience in stressful situations–including steplife. No joke: self-love and self-care are your Rx.
Tell me here and now: What will you give YOURSELF for Valentine’s Day, to usher in a year of self-love in the face of the challenges of stepmothering? Check out self-care guru Peggy Nolan’s tips at thestepmomstoolbox.com for ideas if you need help.
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, Peggy Nolan, remarriage, remarriage with children, self care, self love, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, Valentine's Day, wednesday martin, women as approval-oriented
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Favorite self-care activities, not in order of preference:
1. Knitting, especially socks
2. Cooking, especially my new Thomas Keller cookbook
3. Running, especially in my Vibram five finger shoes
4. Yoga
5. Reading, especially my recent acquisition, Devil’s Dream
6. the Mozart piano sonatas
7. My DVD of old Beverly Hillbillies episodes
8. Hot baths
9. Cuddling with an affectionate dog
10. Laughing at everything
Just thinking about these things and looking forward to them makes me feel good.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:48 pm
Wednesday, great article and such an important message. I work with so many women who are obsessed with the approval of their stepchildren. These are intelligent rational women. These same women guilt themselves for not having more “feelings of love” towards the stepchildren who won’t give them the time of day. This is when some “positive reframing” comes in handy as I work with the women to release their expectations for themselves and their husband’s children. I have them imagine how freeing it would be to not care, not be attached to any kind of outcome. I remind them that they didn’t marry their husband so they could parent their kids. That it really doesn’t matter if their stepchildren never like her or her them. People just need to be kind and respectful…nothing more, nothing less. I see the desire for these stepmothers to gain approval from their stepchildren as being symptomatic of a deeper issue…and that’s about self-love and self-care. When we truly learn to love ourselves, accept ourselves…we can easily let go of the approval or feelings of others towards us. We are solid in ourselves. It’s between us and us and nobody else. The liberation that comes from this kind of self-knowing make any kind of relationship much smoother.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:22 pm
1. watching a movie on my computer by myself
2. going for a walk in the park mid-day (I work from home)
3. Us magazine. I don’t care what you think, I love it!
4. skype with my sister overseas: blah blah blah blah blah, very supportive and makes me feel understood, that’s a luxury
5. going OUT. otherwise I get into such a rut about SD and husband and fixing, fixing, fixing it all and doing doing doing for her which she doesn’t appreciate!
6. beading. making jewelry is relaxing for me. everything else melts away.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:01 pm
I can’t wait for Valentine’s Day! That weekend, my 13 year old stepdaughter will be with her father for an extra day while I meet one of my bestest girlfriends Emily for a weekend in Philadelphia. Emily and I both registered for a day-long workshop of the personal-spiritual growth sort and will share a hotel room, catch up on too many long talks that have been too long delayed. We both plan to bring our knitting and our yoga mats (these seem to be a theme, my fellow stepmonsters) and I expect to return home with my sides aching from too much laughter. It’s a win-win-win, since I’m sure my stepdaughter will benefit from the extra attention from my husband and my son while I’m gone. He’ll be happy because he won’t have to field the tension of her attitude towards me. I’ll come home happy and relaxed just as she returns to her mom’s house. And then we can get on with that Valentine’s Day activity that will leave another part of my body aching from too much of something else.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:17 pm
Thank you, Wednesday . . . can you imagine if you were a new stepmother and you received a “manual” (such as your book, and it’s upcoming sequel, right???) and in there one of the chapters was, “Everything you learned about pleasing others as a girl needs to be undone.” Can you imagine that? O.M.G. Mary, you’re comments are so right on. It’s a double-bind and until we learn to get out of it, we won’t be able to move out of it. Someone needs to take us by the hand and show us. It’s not something we’re able to figure out on our own, even the most intelligent women. It’s as though we need some new classes. The 80’s were all about revelations of sexual abuse in our society, the 90’s were all about yoga and how we all need to be like Gabriella Reese, and the 2010’s (oops, missed a decade) could be about a “new stepmother paradigm.”
It would change the planet.
So, for Valentine’s, my best girlfriend from Seattle is motoring down to Portland and we’re hanging out for some committee work we both volunteer for, but we’ll be dining out and relaxing and getting the dog therapy we all need over a long relaxing weekend. But, before or after the “day,” I think I’m scheduling myself in for a massage.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:05 am
“Among our chief weapons are…yoga, knitting, dogs, and a fanatical dedication to the Pope. Ahem. Our chief weapons are as follows: knitting, dogs, yoga, and a fanatical dedication to our own pleasures. Bring out the comfy chair!”–adapted from Monty Python
February 4th, 2010 at 10:04 am
Thanks to Mary for these insights about letting go of our need for approval from our husband’s or partner’s kids. Sometimes it’s enough to shoot for respect and good manner–and lowering our expectations this way can make our lives so much easier. I really believe any woman with stepkids who gets to work with Mary on this and other issues of steplife can count herself lucky, lucky, lucky. And I encourage everyone to consider her http://www.marriedwithbaggage.com workshops.
Kathy, your comment brought a very broad smile to my face! I hope you enjoy your time away with your girlfriend…and your time with your husband. Ahem.
Kim, sounds like you and Kathy are on the same page. Have you both read The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zazlow (I am VERY honored to be in his company as co-finalist for a “Books for a Better Life” award–I love his work)? It breaks down in research what you already know: women with a strong network of social support do better in all kinds of stressful situations, and have physically and emotionally healthier lives. Brava to you both for knowing that and acting on it!
Elizabeth, as ever, thanks for the laugh–and the great tips.
xx wednesday
February 4th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Wednesday – thanks for the shout out!
After I fell awake (going on six years of awakeness!) I realized that I had to love me first and be totally rock solid in who I was so that I didn’t have to look at others to validate me or define my self-worth. I’m on the journey of a life time to become a better me – that’s an inward journey, not an outward journey (although trips to exotic places are always FUN!)
This year, I will see the realization of two long term personal goals – I’ll have my 500 hour level certification as a yoga teacher and in November, I’ll be testing for my first degree black belt in Thai Kickboxing. I have a vibrant life outside of being a stepmom – it’s not an over arching defining role in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my stepkids – but because I take care of me and fill my own pitcher, there’s more of me to go around. Make sense?
Day to day self-care includes time on my yoga mat EVERY day, thai kicboxing class 2-3 times a week, running (or what resembles running) on the treadmill 2-3 times a week, writing, crocheting, photography, writing, reading, more writing, eating healthy, and an approach to life that comes from love and not fear.
xo
Peggy
February 4th, 2010 at 11:29 am
[...] Martin has a great post, “Will You Be Your Valentine?” Will you? What steps are you taking to take care of you? Check out her post and leave a comment [...]
February 4th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
I’m heading down to Austin, Texas with my mom this weekend to celebrate my birthday. No husband, no stepkids, nada. Just my mom and I.
And. I. Can. Not. Wait.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Erin,
Well said. It can all get to be too much sometimes, and then stepping out of the situation is very therapeutic! I hope you have a great time. And happy birthday!
xx wednesday
February 4th, 2010 at 4:54 pm
Over on Susan’s guest post Marie asked me what my self-care tricks are. Well Marie, since you asked….um, I don’t think I really have any, which is pretty terrible. So I’m reading over my reader’s suggestions and thinking up a few of my own:
1. I too love gossip rags Rene! The Star is a fixation and it’s always nice for me to have a totally selfish moment with that mag. I have been known to tell my husband to STOP TALKING TO ME because I’m reading Star!
2. Baking cookies. I’m not much for cooking but I’m all for baking. Chocolate chip cookies, preferably. I don’t know why that calms me and makes me happy but it does.
3. Going to the movies with my husband or a friend.
4. A glass of Montepulciano. Once in a while!
5. Just walking around the block. Like Rene I work from home and can get away with it. It resets my angst meter.
6. Meditation. I have been recommending it for ages for women in stressful step situations and often they think I’m joking. But it can truly help.
7. Exercise. Not because I like it while I’m doing it–I don’t. But because I like the way I feel after.
8. Going to Barney’s. And buying something that’s less than $250. It’s a nice splurge, but I don’t have to feel too guilty about the price point if it’s only once in a while! Spending more would make me feel awful unless it was a real necessity. And the whole point is getting something that’s NOT a necessity!
9. Getting a blowout. Afterwards I look and feel a million times better.
10. Lunch with a friend. Just do it!!
xx wednesday
February 4th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Since I consider myself to be homebase from which all expeditions are being made into a success or not, I have found it a lot easier to really take care of myself.
It homebase is not well equiped, expeditions fail and why would I want that, why would anybody want that?
So I now even can ask for sponsorship from the ones who benefit from homebase.
So I no longer clean the bathrooms, I no longer always do the vacuumcleaning.
I do Pilates every day.
I want attention when I need to talk so I am sure I am getting it.
I take time out during the day to check where I am at.
I insist on coffee in bed every day.
I ask for acknowledgment when I need it.
My self care has become important for everybody now they notice the difference.
February 5th, 2010 at 9:04 am
Wednesday,
Hi! What a great post! I am new to self-care. Recently, I’ve stopped putting my life on pause when the steps arrive. I continue my life as it was when they aren’t with us. I run, cook things that I like (imagine!), go out with my friends, visit my sister and even (shocking!!!) take weekends to visit my Mom. I take the time they are with us as ‘my’ time. It has made me much happier.
I also delegate the chores. There is no reason why I should have to do all the housework a well as hold two jobs working 60+ hours a week.
I am a work in progress….
February 5th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
We often think way too much about the rest of the family and not enough about ourselves. This has lead me to a depression that has kept me away from work since last September!
I am first learning to say no. To do things for others when it gives me pleasure to do so and not resentment. If not, I either don’t do it or delegate it to someone who will actually be happy to do it.
I have also decided to take at least 1 evening every two weeks for myself and get away. If no girlfriends are available, I’ll go to the movies by myself or to supper by myself but I want to get away from the routine and taking care of everyone at least one night every once in a while and let my dear man take care of the kids for once while I take care of myself.
Nobody else will take care of me as well as I can
February 5th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Hi Talia and Alexandra,
Talia, doing all the housework plus holding down two jobs is a sure-fire recipe for resentment and stepmaternal burnout. Glad you took some steps to make that more equitable. And glad to hear you step out of the stepfamily system sometimes. Makes it easier, doesn’t it?
Alexandra,
You are living proof that women with stepkids suffer much higher rates of depression than women without, but it sounds like you are moving in the direction of self-care and taking care not to get too overwhelmed.
Hope you will both be back soon. Thanks for reading and for commenting.
xx wednesday
February 5th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Wilma,
Pilates every DAY?? You are to be commended my friend! I love the analogy of you as the homebase from which expeditions take place–apt and helpful.
thanks for reading and commenting and don’t be a stranger,
xx wednesday