Ask Me and Other Stepmothering Experts a Question @ Stepmom Magazine!
Ask me a question today and I'll answer--Stepmom Magazine Virtual Experts Panel
I’ll be on the Stepmom Magazine facebook fan page today, participating in their expert panel. You ask the question, we answer. I”ll be on from 11 am to 11:45, and back on from 3 pm to 6 pm:
Hope to “see” you there!
xx wednesday
Tags: blended family, divorce, expert panel, stepfamily, Stepmom Magazine, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
March 24th, 2010 at 5:10 pm
Dear Expert,
I guess it’s a last ditch effort, writing for advice, after 3 counselors, anti depressants & anti anxiety medication just to get through the weekend with my 13 year old step daughter, not to mention the countless hours fighting with her father about her.
I am no stranger to hardship after raising 4 sons on my own, eventually to losing my 22 year old to an accidental drug overdose. I am a nurse and have a small following of young women who profess me to be a positive influence in there lives.
I met my husband when his only daughter was 9. Her mother never had a relationship in the 7 years (now almost 12 years) since their divorce. He has been present in her 10 mile radius the whole time, I left my area to live in his area because of her. She has two of electronic gadget possible, travels abroad, and only wears the best most expensive clothing.
I have been the major breadwinner because of the economy & a stall in my husbands business. Just a side note.
Over the years I have seen a pattern of lying, promiscuity and manipulation that I have been able to do very little about. It seems that very time I would try to tell my husband or her mother about something that I was concerned about I was received
with defensive attack.
My husband finally got a computer spy program that monitors all that she does on her computer, that is how they found out that she was giving blow jobs behind the local market. She came to me to tell me she was having sex, knowing that I would facilitate her getting on birthcontrol. I told my husband and he found evidence on her computer that this was true (since he does not believe what I tell him about her).
He doesn’t want me to tell her mother because it would hurt her feelings to know her daughter did not come to her. She is quite naive to the daughters manipulations as well. Her daughter gets bitter and snotty to me but most of the time if she does not like my rule or if I say “no” to anything she runs crying to her mom & dad and they take pity on her.
She is very pretty (Im attractive & don’t feel threatened) but she is called slut by most girls, has difficulty with friendships with girls, if she does bring a friend over, they both treat others very badly. She is failing several of her classes and lies about homework & assignments. I have tried till blue to teach her fun things, sewing, crafts, painting, mosaic, collage, cooking, canning, playing the piano, stargazing, and other wonderful girl things that her mother does not do. While my husband was very excited that I was doing this, he can’t help that she is just not interested unless she has the 100% attention of one person in the room. She doesn’t try to do anything for herself, she gets her parents to do everything, I mean everything for her. She has “come on” to one of my family members at every one of the last 3 gatherings she attended.
Because she is cute & sweet to people when she meets them (like she was to me), they don’t see what my problem is, they think they could help her and they start doting on her.
So now I gave up my living situation, I work my fanny off to contribute in every way, my sons are gone, and I have this….
I heard her say something about the stimulant for ADHD, Adderal, one day and that it makes people lose weight. I was alarmed, I know about this drug because 3 of my 4 sons had ADD. After that she has been telling everyone she can’t concentrate. While she doens’t pay attention in class, she was tested in 5th grade and was found not to have ADD. I was very concerned & told her mom & dad that I thought she was failing in oder to get medication (like she did for birth control). She told her dad that she want even going to try a different game plan until she was tested because she might need medication.
I lost it and told her she did not have ADD & was not going to get medication (based on what I know) and that there are many things we should be doing to help her do better in school. She ran out crying to her mother….the same day she had talked me into cutting her bangs, insisting it was ok with mom, and her father concurred consented.
Well now her mom has villainized me telling my husband we were not to make any rules or decisions with out her ok.
I did not want to divorce but I can’t stand this situation and EVERY single time I try to talk to my husband he argues and states reasons why its my fault and how my kids are no better. He defends his poor ex-wife and daughter.
I am not comfortable with this kind of behavior in my home, I can’t sit back and “ignore” her/it. It is not in me to do that. I told my husband that since they did not want me involved they would have to parent her elsewhere. I don’t care where, just not here.
Of course you can imagine this has only furthered the villianization. I have been told I can’t do this on my own. I feel as though we have already failed. He says he loves me and that I should separate our love for each other and good times and just
ignore it until it goes away in 4 years.
Do you see any hope or is this letter just a waste of your time?
Sincerely,
JLS
April 7th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
i see the struggle you are having but, i also sense that you are in a power struggle with your step daughter…the only way to work through a power struggle is to STOP trying to get power. Clearly, your husband and his ex are not wiling to address her behavior. you’re are only looking like the bad guy..so STOP..your husband completely left you off the hook when he said to detach your love and good times from her behavior…take the pass and let it go…
sincerely,
marueen costa