Stepmother Top Concern #3–They Don’t Appreciate Me!
Have you heard the news? Being a stepmartyr makes no sense!
“How can I decrease my sense of resentment when it comes to my partner’s kids?” you readers keep writing and asking. Or, how to “witness that a stepchild has problems–whether it’s that he or she doesn’t try in school, is spoiled by mom and dad, is entitled or irresponsible, hasn’t developed key and age-appropriate life skills, or acts out in any number of ways–rather than experience it viscerally” and be torn apart by it?
In the end, problems between women and their stepchildren of any age can be traced to problems with the couple. If you have a partner or a husband or wife with whom you share a common vision of your stepparental role; who communicates to his kids that you are to be respected at the very least, and that you’re not going anywhere and treating you like a piece of furniture is not okay; then whatever his kids and ex throw at you, you can withstand. It’s not necessarily going to be fun at some points, but if you’re in an equitable partnership, you can survive just about anything steplife presents.
If your partnership is not there yet, there are steps you can take in the interim to reduce your resentment of stepchildren of any age who act out toward you or are simply ungrateful for your efforts on their behalf. Most importantly, you have got to start doing less. Today. This instant. Listen: Stepmartyrs are complicit in their mistreatment by his kids. In fact, stepmartyrs engineer their own mistreatment by his kids. No one can make you a stepmartyr but you. And you can stop it, too. Most women who write to me about finding steplife unbearable mention doing and doing and doing for his kids–and never receiving any acknowledgment whatever–let alone thanks.
So why do you keep doing it? Do you think it’s your job to be a stepmartyr? Who put you up to this? Is anyone holding a gun to your head? I doubt it. You’ve got to relax your expectations of yourself–radically and dramatically–and stop doing much of anything for anyone who doesn’t appreciate it if you are feeling depleted, resentful, and angry about your stepkids and your marriage or partnership.
Call it whatever you want–disengaging, stepping back, dialing it down–the words don’t matter but the reframing of your role, the redefining of your expectations of yourself, does.
Techniques for distancing themselves from unappreciative stepchildren that women with stepkids and experts alike have suggested to me all have one thing in common: they strive to transform the woman from a “stepmartyr” into a person who is healthily empowered and central in her household.
-Stop doing housework for your stepkids. Unless they are very little, they can wash their own dishes, help with dinner, make their own beds. Big ones can do their own laundry and sheets. Or their dad can. Or he can hire a cleaning person, if you have the financial flexibility for that. If you don’t feel like a maid, you might actually enjoy time with your stepkids. Or at least resent them less. “What do I do about the dishes piling up in the sink and the unfed dogs?” you wrote. You can have a conversation with your partner about the fact that you are going to be dialing back your involvement a bit for the sake of your marriage and your ability to have a relationship with his kids down the road–so this won’t come as a surprise. And so that, when the dishes pile up, it’s clear that they’re not yours to wash.
-Keep separate finances to lessen your sense that you are their financial maid as well. Think about it.
-Top your reserve tank off before a weekend or holiday together by doing something you want–and giving the kids or adult kids time alone with dad to boot. When they first show up, do something indulgent and satisfying for yourself (rather than just “hiding out” and feeling exiled from your own home). What would YOU like to do? Massage? Pedicure? Night out with friends? You might find that in this way, you actually look forward to his kids showing up. I’m not kidding. Or at least you’ll have a nice pedicure.
-Establish a rule that the couple gets to spend time alone when his kids are around, no matter what. If they’re visiting, make time to go for a walk without them. If the kids are in residence, weekly date night is a must. I say this as a person whose own date nights are notoriously lame (we once went to the post office and then Starbucks for our “date night,” but as least we got out). One smart couples therapist I know requires his couples in a remarriage with children who have weekend visitation to spend Monday morning after the kids leave alone together unless it’s utterly impossible. This way you reconnect after what may have been a stressful couple of days. Or even a fun couple of days without a lot of down time together.
-A written stepfamily contract. That’s right, a document you and your husband or partner come up with together to get on the same page about what’s to be expected of his kids of any age when they’re around. It might be a charged undertaking, but it can also help you and your partner come to an understanding about what you each expect. Depending on their age, dad might expect them to sign the contract, too. It can spell out what is no longer okay (ex. “taking stepmom’s stuff without asking” or “swearing at stepmom,” “smoking in the house,” etc.) but also sweeten the deal and make you seem reasonable with offers like “some alone time with dad every time you’re here.” For adult stepkids, this can be a contract between you and your husband about what you can both reasonably expect of one another when his kids are around.
-Bulwark, bulwark, bulwark to decrease your sense of being overwhelmed and outnumbered and on duty. Have YOUR friends in the house when his kids of any age show up. Make plans for people who help you feel supported and understood on hand all around you the entire time his kids are around. Isolation is your worst enemy so buoy yourself with pals. In your house. As needed. Call in for reinforcements.
“How do I sell this to my husband?” Good question. Let’s be strategic here. It never helps, no matter how angry you are, to come across that way. Men are notoriously quick to retreat in the face of female rage, no matter how righteous! So present yourself to your husband as what you truly are: sad, disappointed, and needing to give this one more try. “I think that part of the reason I’m so resentful of your kids is that I’m doing too much. I think if I did less, it wouldn’t matter that they don’t always remember to say ‘thank you’ or that they sometimes don’t acknowledge me at all. I might be able to salvage my warm feelings for them, and those feelings might even grow, if I were less resentful.” Explain to your partner that, since these kids aren’t yours, you need to be extra careful about allowing a relationship to grow–since it’s not an automatic thing–and that stepping back and doing less is one way experts recommend you do this.
You can explain the bulwarking in the same way. The more buoyed and supported you are, the less vulnerable you will feel–and be. That’s better for not only you but for your partnership and your relationship with his kids down the line.
Tell me about it–what are YOUR techniques to decrease your resentment of stepchildren who do not acknowledge your efforts–or perhaps even your presence? What has worked for you?
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, remarriage with children, resentment in stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepmartyr, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren
March 15th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
An idea about piles of dirty dishes:
When my stepdaughter was 19, she lived with us full time. She had two chores: to clean the one bathroom in the house once a week, and to take out the trash, once a week. We cooked and cleaned the house and did everything else. She paid no rent, although she was working and going to school.
It was like pulling teeth to get her to do these simple chores once a week. Worse, she often left piles of dirty dishes in the sink.
We asked an online parenting group from our university what to do. The suggestion was: “put the dirty dishes in a pan and put them on her bed.” !!! We were shocked by this suggestion, but we did it. It worked! (The problem with refusing to do other people’s dishes is: what if you need to cook and the kitchen is full of dirty dishes?)
She stopped leaving dirty dishes in the sink for us to do, but she still wouldn’t do her “chores,” so after nearly a year of this (and some other problems involving alcohol and drug abuse) we asked her to get her own place. It took her six months, but she did.
March 15th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
I love and always look forward to date nights. After all those stresses, one quiet evening with my hubby recharges me.
March 15th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Not sure what it is with step-kids and their resistance to chores. It does seem to be a universal theme though. My stepkids truly believe that they should be able to trash my house as they wish, pilfer anything that takes their fancy, and that I should just smile, shut-up and mindlessly clean up their mess like a slave.
Anyways.. I have four suggestions to handle the washing-up dilemma.
(1) Paper plates and disposable cutlery. Seriously. If they are supposed to do the dishes and they don’t.. pull out the paper backups. The catch? Replenishing the paper-plate supplies comes out of their allowance.
(2) Color coded plates. Each member of the household has their own color of plates, bowls cutlery, cups etc. If they don’t wash up their own stuff or place their own stuff in the dishwasher.. they don’t get to eat the next time a meal is served.
(3) Remove all but 1 set of .. whichever. For me, it was glasses as my stepkids would use a new glass for what seemed like every mouthful of drink. I removed all but 4 of the glasses (one each family member) so there simply wasn’t a new clean glass for them to reach for every time they wanted a drink. They had to rinse the old one out for themselves if they wanted a clean glass. (my stepdaughter went to huge lengths to obtain fresh glassware, even raiding the picnic set in the garage rather than actually rinse out her own cup, but eventually I tracked down and locked up everything and she was forced to.)
(4) Refuse to cook the next meal until the dishes from the last meal were cleaned up. Talk to your husband about it. “Hun.. I need to get into the kitchen to cook.. but the dishes are still dirty from the last meal and I don’t have the energy to do someone else’s chores.. can you chase the kids to get it cleaned up?” If the kitchen didn’t get cleaned by 9pm, I would announce that it was too late to cook and my husband would have to make alternative arrangements to feed his children. (I had a few single serve tuna salads made up and in the fridge so that I personally didn’t go hungry.)
I’ve found with stepkids.. you need to set up the situation so that the situation itself doles out the consequences, rather than you, the stepmother. So.. if they don’t have a clean towel, they don’t have a clean plate or glass etc.. they have nobody to blame but themselves.
I gave the kids each a beautiful color coded big bath towel because I wanted them to “feel more like a part of the family by having their own nice things here.” I then removed all of the other bath towels from the bathroom and stored them elsewhere (offsite at my Mother’s). Wow.. no more wet towels on the floor anymore. They soon realized that if they didn’t pick up their own towel or put it in the wash themselves.. there would not be spares waiting for them to run through.
March 16th, 2010 at 9:23 am
Thanks to you all for this feedback, and the tips. The one thing that worries me is the idea of the woman with stepkids needing to put tremendous energy into dreaming up ways to circumvent her stekids’ annoying habits or failure to pitch in. For example Anna, I think your tips are remarkable clever strategies to avoid becoming the de facto maid. On the other hand, had you been able to devote all that brain power of yours to other topics and pursuits–you might have a pulitzer prize! You know what I’m trying to say: expending the energy to come up with the solutions can be depleting. And implementing then can make us seem like draconian, cliched stepmonsters. Probably ideal if these new policies come from their dad’s mouth. As for refusing to cook the next meal unless…another possibility is just to refrain from being the house chef. That was something very clever my husband came up with all on his own when his kids were littler–why should you cook for my kids who are not always polite to you/appropriately grateful that you have done so, it will only make you resentful, I’ll be in charge of cooking for my kids. That was a big help and in that respect, I never felt like a maid, or unappreciated.
Da Witznich’s method–put the dirty dishes in her room–is one I’ve heard of. Desperation is the mother of invention! Thanks to you both for these tips, and to Blending Families for her reminder about the power of something as simple as date night. It can be like your “eject” button when it feels like the plane is going down.
xx wednesday
March 16th, 2010 at 10:26 am
Wednesday,
I love this post. I have removed myself from all chores – cooking, cleaning, laundry and the like. Here is my problem. My husband does not support me.
I used to keep his kids when he had to travel for work. They would not talk to me and would treat me poorly. Now when he travels, I insist he send them back to their mother. (she only lives 10 minutes away). This always causes an argument. He can not understand why they can’t stay with me. (incidentally, I work two jobs and am rarely there on his weeks anyway, so it is better that they go to mom). Truth is, I know they are happy to return to mom. It is just that his relationship with the ex is contemptuous and he hates to be indebted to her. I refuse to waver. So, how do I get him to understand they are not my kids, prefer to go home and don’t want a relationship with me when he is there much less when he is traveling. UGH!
March 16th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Ha! I love your “lame” post office date night. Some of our nicest moments together as a couple are in the most mundane of places — but just being together, alone, is so wonderful.
One of our recent “date nights” was at the gym. We weren’t even together most of the time, but I could check out my cute husband across the room and give him the eye. It also was a great way for each of us to refresh our presonal energy supply.
I am lucky — my husband is a true partner and is teaching his children to respect me and treat me well. He does quite a bit of the housework. He believes in babysitters and makes sure we get our date nights.
March 16th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
AJ,
You said it with the word “lucky”–good news for you and your marriage. Keep us posted with updates from the world of equitable partnerships, because it’s an inspiration!
Talia,
I am hoping you might get some good advice from other readers here. Meanwhile, how about telling your husband in a voice that is as utterly devoid of emotion as you can manage (men do not respond well to feeling confronted and will go into classic “shut down” or even “accuse” mode if they sense a female partner is angry) with a warm tone, that the best hope for you having a relationship with his kids down the road is for you to not fall into a “set up” or trap where you’re competing with their mother–exactly what is happening when he expects you to step in as full-time caregiver in his absence. You might also tell him very calmly that It’s not healthy for your marriage or your stepkids for you to be conscripted into the hostilities between him and his wife as his “agent”–that you know he’s not doing it on purpose, but in a way he’s trying to get you to step up as quasi mom in order to spite her. If you say this in a non-judgmental, accepting way–and I mean, accepting the acrimony between him and his ex, and conveying that you feel for him but just can’t do this–it could actually start a helpful conversation.
Anyone else?
March 16th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Thanks, Wednesday. What’s great about stepcoupling is how much pleasure two people can get from riding in the car together, going to the post office, grabbing a cup of coffee together. We take what we can get!!
This article brought back many memories. Early on, I was killing myself to do everything. The final straw was doing laundry for 5 kids and 2 adults. I couldn’t do it…just couldn’t! The kids were 8,9,10,12, and 14. So we came up with a plan. The kids would do their own laundry. Each kid had an assigned day. They had to work it out. I stepped away. Our kids did tie dyes to their clothes way before it was popular. They went to school in wrinkled, runned on colors. I had to be OK with that. We also had relentless chore charts. Sure, there were arguments, and some kids were lousy at doing dishes, but generally we prevailed. There was also sibling/stepsibling peer pressure. “It’s your turn to clear the table, do the dishes, feed the animals, etc”! . Again, they had to work it out.
Our kids are grown now, but they still remember those chore charts!
xxSusan
March 16th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
I have a great and fairly equal bf/partner. The kids do have chores to do every Friday afternoon and we’ve butted heads over doing them poorly and they don’t like butting heads w/ me because I won’t back down, so they have been doing a much better job of late! It was hard when we first moved in together, but I did learn to disengage on a lot of levels/stuff and that was a tremendous relief. My biggest problem now is that the oldest (16/female) does not take very good care of herself, she’s very slovenly, dresses like a street person, wears dirty clothes, hygiene is poor, etc. To me this not a pet peeve, it is an basic personal responsibility to go out into the world clean and presentable when you have the tools and wherewithal to do so. We aren’t living on the street. But she doesn’t follow by example and I don’t feel like it is my place to tell this child to bath every day, brush her teeth, etc. I can handle the glass or bowl in the sink, if it’s not a pile, but her slob demeanor sometimes just makes me want to come unglued!!
March 16th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Wednesday, I envy you your husband coming up with “no cooking” for you on his own. My husband is extremely reluctant to have me in any role other than “mother substitute” in the house. I did eventually give up cooking for the kids altogether (due to issues other than dishes) and we still fight about it ’till this day. He still believes that I should cook for the little “darlings” no matter how they treat me, and occasionally tries to pressure me into doing so. He always makes a huge racket when in the kitchen, throwing pots about, as if to protest being “forced” to cook for his own children. It makes him very grumpy too.. especially with me.
I think often that men just assume that you will fill that “woman shaped” void in the house.. but they don’t really get that Mom’s aren’t “plug and play” to kids. Getting remarried doesn’t “fix” the broken intact family unit. It just makes a different kind of family unit. From his attitude, it would appear that my husband thought a remarriage meant that he got to go back to being the stereotypical “hands-off” dad-type parent, and his new wife would be the hands-on mom-type parent. I think deep down he is very upset and resentful (of me) because it didn’t work out that way.
We tried chore charts but they didn’t work because the kids wouldn’t do the chores and their Dad would just let it all go. I refused to be the disciplinarian. Mind you, the only chores they had were to set and clear to the table, but apparently that was expecting too much.
Their Disney Dad will never be the bad guy and I refuse to be (they hate me enough already).. so that leaves the situation itself as the only thing that can exact any consequence around our house. It takes ALOT of effort and it is VERY depleting to come up with all this.. as you say. In a perfect world, their Dad would take care of it.. and in a really perfect world the kids would just behave in the first place.
I always try to make sure my solutions are “set and forget”. Buy the nice towels, make it “all about the children”.. then walk away. Problem solved. No more energy required on my part to solve the wet-towel-on-the-floor problem, ever. That’s where a network of other step-moms is invaluable.. no doubt someone somewhere has had a similar problem, a support group can act as a grab-bag of ideas to give you something to implement quickly and without too much personal energy expenditure.
I really like the bulwark idea. So often I feel pushed out of my own house, or pushed into hiding when the children are here. We have them this weekend, and I have invited my Father over for a picnic… something I would not have normally done. I’ll let you know how it goes. I can’t imagine that the kids are going to appreciate the focus not being entirely 100% on them. The last few times we had folks over (my son’s 1st birthday party and Christmas) they were extremely disruptive. Maybe that just shows that we are on to something!
March 17th, 2010 at 8:31 am
Anna,
Oh my goodness! Your story is mine too! I read what you so beautifully wrote and thought, this woman is me! Like you, I’ve made it all about my girls and walk away from my husband and his kids. I had to in order to keep my sanity. Like you, I always feel pushed out of my own home (so much so that I’ve taked a second job just to have a legitimate excuse as to why I am not there to take care of HIS kids). It is sad really. I am exhausted from working 60+ hours a week, but it is worth it as I would be clinically depressed if I had to spend the week with his kids. Seriously.
Thank you for comment. I feel much less alone in the world and I am appreciative.
March 17th, 2010 at 11:59 am
OMG, your stories take me back! I do have the advantage of hindsight because the kids are grown with families of their own. I do remember the horrible times when I just couldn’t cope and didn’t know what to do. Sometimes there wasn’t anything TO DO, but survive.
You all have your coping skills…stepping back, taking a break, calling a friend, jumping on the treadmill or running around the block, reading a good book, talking to yourself, praying, journalizing, watching a favorite show (by yourself), eating ice cream, going to the mall… whatever floats your boat and gets you through.
I KNOW it’s not easy, but stuff does change over the years. Our kids today…HARDLY KIDS ANYMORE… still have their good parts and not so good parts. But at least, now it’s their problem, not mine.
Best to all,
Susan
March 17th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Wednesday, you have great suggestions in your list. Please allow me to add one more: Don’t take it personally. Seriously. If we would all take the time to put ourselves in the shoes of our stepchildren, we might be a little more understanding and a little more compassionate.
They didn’t ask for their parent’s divorce. I don’t know about most people, but I have no idea what it’s like to be shuffled back and forth between two different homes. It’s got to be a tough transition. My poor little stepdaughter, at the age of 5, had to experience this and I give her a lot of credit. She was quite brave about the whole thing.
Plus, there is bound to be conflict about how the child feels towards the stepmother. Even if the child likes/loves the stepmother, the loyalties to Mom will always take precedence, even if mom is not the most fit of parents.
And one more: I’m the grown up. Please, I hope I’ve come far enough and matured enough to not give any child the power to get me off kilter. Ridiculous really. I’ve never been acknowledged for anything I’ve done for my stepdaughter by my stepdaughter…she didn’t even acknowledge my birthday this year despite the gentle nudging of her father. Whateuuuuuuuuuuver. My day wasn’t ruined and her omission certainly wasn’t going to affect me. Like I said earlier, I’ve never walked a mile in her shoes.
March 19th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Echoing a lot of the great advice here.
What I stopped doing was caretaking. I stopped taking care of Junior. I stopped doing for him that which he could do for himself. Caretaking doesn’t work because it’s a breeding ground for resentment in you and the other person. You’re tired of doing everything for your stepkids and your stepkids are tired of adults telling them and showing them how incapable they are for themselves. Just because their parents got divorced.
As soon as I stopped doing for Junior and taught him how to do for himself, my husband jumped on board. He was in the middle of the forest and couldn’t see how he was contributing to Junior’s problem.
Oh Junior hated it at first. Hated that we stopped doing for him that which he could himself. Laundry. Breakfast. We stopped reminding him to take a shower. Instead, I came up with things like, “think of your future girlfriend. Do you think she’s going to love your body odor?” or when I taught him how to clean the kitchen, “your future wife is going to love me…”
And I double recommend Mary’s advice to not take it personally. I have a 40 day challenge on my blog for any stepmom wanting to take this challenge and journal not taking it personally and see how their life improves after delving into this.
March 19th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
hi to you all and thanks for reading and commenting
Suzanne, oh boy, that slovenly teen phase can push our buttons, agreed! I remember so many times during the teen phase that I simply turned my attention elsewhere and felt relieved that these weren’t my issues to take on. Otherwise I could have really drained a lot of energy away from my marriage, my friendships, my health and my happiness!
Talia and Anna, Feeling marginalized in our own homes can be an intolerable experience. Same with feeling unsupported. And all this comes down to the couple bond. When that is strong, the couple can withstand anything that angry step/kids or angry ex-wives dish out. But without a strong couple bond, even a mouthy teen can sink the ship. I hope your partners might realize how much you could benefit from even just a few sessions with a therapist who knows the issues in a remarriage with kids. What do you think?
Always great to hear from you Mary and Peggy!
xx wednesday
March 21st, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Wow, such great advice here! How common a problem it is! Some great advice that you have given in the past Wednesday is “macho up” and “give it time”.
One of the things that I have learned is to not wait for my breaking point to express how I feel (which used to be my method). My husband used to accuse me of not being happy when really I blamed him for my unhappiness. After a few breakdowns where I threatened to throw it all in, I decided to try a stronger approach. Now, I am very firm and I do not shy away from confrontation or rocking the boat. I have learned that when I rock the boat, or change my behavior, the immediate reaction from husband and stepsons is chaotic. But then, if I stick with it, they all adapt. I have used this method with changing toilet rolls, laundry, dishes, dog poop and cat food, just to name a few.