Tell Me About It–Top Ten Concerns of Stepparents Addressed
And the top ten concerns of stepmothers are...
Over the months, many of you have written me about your concerns as women with stepchildren. I’d like to list and address the top ten–so I need your help. What’s on your list of top concerns? Here are some ideas from all of you so far (not in any order)…
Top Concerns of Women with Stepchildren…
-My stepkids don’t like me
-I don’t like my stepkids
-My stepkids and my kids don’t get along (or, what can I do to make life with stepsiblings easier for my kids?)
-I feel like an Outsider in my own home/ I feel less than an equal partner with my spouse/partner (my partner puts his kids first and our marriage last)
-Stepfamily tensions are taking over my life/my marriage
-I feel jealous of my stepkids/my husband’s ex
-Finances (child support, husband paying above and beyond child support, not enough money, etc.)
What are your top concerns?
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, remarriage with children, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, stepparent, stepparent concerns, wednesday martin, woman with stepchildren
March 4th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I fear that one day my husband’s extremely alienated and estranged daughters will want to reconnect with him… but they’ll be as toxic as their mother is. I worry that my husband’s daughters will have kids and will try to use them as currency, the way their mother has used them as currency.
It’s taken a long time for us to have financial stability and I fear that my husband’s kids will threaten that when they become adults. Their older brother, who is not my husband’s son but was always treated as such, has already shown us that he was faking his affections for money and favors. I worry that my husband’s daughters will do the same. I also worry that they’ll try to turn my husband into a church project and use their future kids as a way of pressuring him to rejoin their church. I also worry that if and when I’m an old woman, alone and possibly demented, they’ll come out of the woodwork thinking they’re entitled to something.
If those girls do reconnect, it will be extremely difficult to trust them. Their mother has already wreaked havoc on my husband’s family. I’m afraid his kids will continue the tradition.
March 4th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
You know, my biggest fear isn’t if the kids like me or feeling like an outsider because I get a say in how things go in my own home and how I react.
My biggest fear is something happening to my two SD’s father. I can’t imagine life without him – but if something happened to him, I would not only lose him but I would lose out of life with them. Their mother would not allow me to continue a friendship with them, let alone see them – she has too much hatred for my household. I would be devastated to lose 3 of my family members all at once. I can’t even imagine.
March 4th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Lack. Of. Privacy. I don’t necessarily feel like an outsider in my own house–but I feel that I am being watched ALL THE TIME. And not even discreetly, just plain staring. Plain old-fashioned eavesdropping, lingering in doorways, listening in on everything. It’s extraordinarily stressful.
March 4th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
“I feel like an Outsider in my own home/ I feel less than an equal partner with my spouse/partner (my partner puts his kids first and our marriage last)”
Yep, this is a huge issue for me. We’re in couples counseling now, and the issue that keeps coming up for me is feeling fear because I’m uncertain about my role/place in my boyfriend’s life. He wants me to be a stepmom, but if I cross any of his invisible lines, I’m quickly reminded that I’m “just” his girlfriend. Mind you, we live together, and we’re planning our own family together. He wants me to be there for him, but keep my mouth shut, or at least it feels that way, and I’ve got a lot of opinions, and I like to talk.
His daughter is extremely alienated at this point, and his ex is psychotic (I’m not using that term casually for a laugh, I’m serious). I’ve done a lot for him in his legal battle and preparations for his parenting evaluation, but I don’t feel like I get any credit. My life has been enmeshed in his crisis for months now. I do feel like I’m losing some identity as well.
Right now, it’s a challenge, but I do feel optimistic about our future together or else I wouldn’t be putting up with this.
March 4th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
My biggest concerns after 3.5 years “in the trenches” are:
1. Feeling like an outsider in my home when they are with us for the weekend. My bio-kids and I will often leave for up to 12 hours at a time so that we can have some peace!
2. My stepdaughters despise me (they are 8 and 6) and that is because of the lies that their mother has filled their heads with. They go between “WE HATE HER! YOU NEED TO LEAVE HER!” to “If I like you, my mommy won’t love me anymore.”
3. How do I deal with a bio-mom who would like nothing more than to break up my marriage (not because she wants him back, she just doesn’t want anyone else to have him)?
March 4th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
My biggest problems were….
1) Jealousy of husbands involvement with his ex
2) Resentment of the impact his past has on our lives now
3) Feeling unequal and powerless in the relationship
Much of these have subsided of late, especially since my new and improved relationship with the ex, but would love to read your writings on any of these!
LBM xxx
March 4th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
I’m afraid my military spouse will deploy again and I’ll be here alone trying to take care of kids who resent me and miss him (his ex is also military and frequently overseas). I know it’s terrible stress for the kids to have two parents in the military. And I know whenever they’re with me they’re feeling like Why the hell are we with her instead of mom or dad?
I feel bad for my husband’s kids and at the same time I’m under a lot of stress. I worry he’ll die, of course, every military spouse does I guess. But those fears are worse because of the kids. Those are my top concerns. Thanks!
March 4th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
My biggest fear is that something will happen to my finacee the BF, I worry that I have finally found happiness and something horrible will happen. I worry then about losing him and the son all together, that would be terrible.
I fear that the BM will do something truly horrible to jeapordize the BF’s relationship with his son, or my realtionship with him.
I fear the son will have mental issues like his mother, I worry he will become an emotional rollarcoaster from living in an unstable environment.
I fear she will try to get more money out of us and it will affect how we can take care of our future children.
I worry the BM will continue to get her way with little to no consequences and will continue to reek havoc on our life together as a couple.
March 4th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
I’ve pretty much solved my issues, I’m happy and proud to report.
But I’ll also report on what USED to be my biggest concern: safety, physical and emotional.
I am still really afraid of my stepson, who threatened to kill me in 2005. I am also afraid of one of my stepdaughters, who is violent and verbally abusive and attacked her brother recently. Their father–my partner–seems utterly unable to exercise any authority with these grown children, but it’s not because they’re grown: he couldn’t do it when they were little either.
I was also really afraid of being betrayed AGAIN if one of them attacked me verbally or physically. It is painful beyond belief when he just sits there watching them misbehave and doesn’t stick up for me at all, and then later makes excuses for them. This behavior almost destroyed our relationship.
Finally I made a rule: I am not going to be in the same room with either of these two people ever again. (I get along fine with the other four.) For a long time my partner fought this “ruling” and tried to talk me out of it, but finally he accepted it, and since then our relationship has been a lot better.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Mine are:
– I think my stepkids are suffering from their parents’ divorce, and I don’t think their issues have ever been addressed because I think both my husband and the kids’ mom find it too debilitating to even think about or acknowledge, let alone do anything about. I think my stepkids have been borderline neglected.
– I think there’s a connection between my husband and the kids’ mom that goes beyond coparenting. I think it even gets in the way of coparenting. I especially pick it up from the kids’ mom, and less so from my husband, but it’s still there. They’re so irritable and grouchy with each other — it’s like the flip side of love, not the absence of love. Whenever they’re in the same room together, they start fighting or sniping at each other and they aren’t paying attention to the kids at all. Do I think my husband wants to get back together with her? No. I am pretty sure about that. But I think he still wants her approval and acceptance and love of some sort. Do I think she wants to get back together with him? Maybe a piece of her does, even though she is remarried. She definitely wants his acceptance and admiration — and his submission! I love my husband very much. But having another woman around that he seems to be connected with in this way — even though it’s a negative way — is hard. I’m divorced, too, and if I had to interact with my ex constantly for the sake of kids, I might have a similar connection to him. I’m not sure. We don’t keep in touch, though, because we did not have kids together, and our connection — even the negative part — withered and died, which feels right.
– I think moms are almost programmed to go crazy after a divorce, like you said earlier. I get so mad when people say moms and stepmoms need to work their issues out as if both are usually equally responsible for conflicts between them. Individual situations can vary, but maybe 8 times out of 10 my guess is that the stepmom wants to get along or at least coexist without drama and the mom is jealous, undermining and hostile. I’m so tired of hearing stepmoms getting half the blame for the mom going off the deep end and making the stepmom’s life (and the dad’s life) miserable!
– Not being included by the mommies at the kids’ schools or play groups. That sounds like such a little thing to be hurt by, but it can be so hard!
– Losing myself. That definitely happened to me! But I am climbing back up and out, and that feels great.
March 4th, 2010 at 11:04 pm
Wow! What honest, poignant, and absolutely true to stepfamily life statements! Thanks for asking the question and getting the responses, Wednesday. So what do we do? The first step is to tell it like it is and go from there… Stepmoms and stepfamilies will survive…one way or another, but not always in the way you think. Stay tuned to the process. Hope to continue the discussion.
Susan
March 5th, 2010 at 10:29 am
thanks susan for reading. yes, I want to get the concerns all set out and then address them one by one. look for your recent piece about kids shuttling back and forth here soon…
xx wednesday
March 5th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Feeling like my stepkids run/dictate everything – everyone has to jump when they say “jump,” which often means my relationship with my partner gets put on the back burner.
Living in a household where the kids don’t do anything to help out and are incredibly lazy – makes me feel like the live-in cook, maid, etc. Exhausting when I also work (more than) full-time.
The frequent fighting with my partner about his kids, their behavior, their laziness and rudeness, etc. and how that hurts our relationship.
Horrible to admit, but I just don’t like my stepdaughter at all, and I doubt I ever really will. But it makes me feel resentful of having to live with her, and also guilty.
Money – there’s never enough of it. Everything we earn goes to bills and kids. The kids’ mother doesn’t support them financially at all.
Looking at my life and thinking, “Is this really it? This is my life now? How did I get here? Will it always be this hard?” Missing the woman I used to be – happy, active, social, independent, creative, energetic, etc. It feels like overnight, I became a bitter, unhappy housewife with no life of her own anymore, outside of the demands of the stepfamily.
March 5th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Oops – forgot a biggie:
Feeling like I am an equal partner only in theory. When it comes right down do it, I have no authority over the kids or how our family operates, and in kid-raising matters, my partner often disregards my opinions and feelings. Which of course makes me feel low-priority, angry, and sad.
March 5th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Pearl,
I want to respond to you right away. Particularly to your last observation. There is still part of you that is “happy, active, social, independent, creative, energetic, etc.” as you so well describe it. Our work here is to bring her back to the fore. That is possible only by creating the conditions where the other demands and obligations and bad feelings can recede. You can create those conditions for the happy you to come back out, even from the situation you describe–kids you don’t like, frequent fighting, kids not helping, relationship taking the backseat, financial stresses.
My instinct here is that disengaging a bit, beginning with no longer doing the lion’s share of the housework that is making you feel depleted and resentful, would be a good start. Also how about making a plan, right now, to see a friend for a few hours over the weekend? And spending some time–even if it’s just a few phone calls or few minutes of internet research– looking for a support group or qualified therapist in your area?
I’ll be interested to know if taking these steps helps you feel better. Please let us know!
xx wednesday
March 5th, 2010 at 10:50 am
Just a tip from somebody who’s been doing this for ten years with 6 stepkids: it may take a long time, even years, to resolve some of these issues.
Also, I used to think that when the kids got grown and moved away things would get better. Not necessarily. Things got better with some of them, but things got worse with two of them. And big kids are scarier. Also, they don’t necessarily move away and get on with their own lives. They keep coming back, sometimes moving in for a while, or at least being in the neighborhood.
Something I wish I had done earlier: stand my ground. Not doubt myself so much. Set limits and boundaries and police them myself. Not count on my partner to do it.
I wish I had also set some boundaries with my partner earlier, but it seemed inappropriate somehow. Now I know that ALL relationships, no matter how close, need boundaries, policing, limits, and consequences for violating those boundaries. I had more power than I knew, and I didn’t use it until I was really desperate and about to leave him.
March 5th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Anger that my husband shared his first child experience with someone who is ungrateful and manipulative. Jealousy that I wasn’t the one who could give him that first experience. Resentment over the fact that I have to have proof of my husband’s sexual relations with another woman in my house twice a month.
Qualifier: I love my stepchildren. My issues have nothing to do with them as people and I truly enjoy their company. It still does not change the fact that my feelings listed above run under the surface.
March 5th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Fears…where to begin?
I fear leaving my house and yet can’t stand to be there. I fear leaving as my SD roots through my possessions, steals and lies. I am always nervous having her in the house unattended. I can’t stand to be there because I feel like an outsider. When the steps are there they eat everything, hog the ’screens’ (television/computer) and never leave! I have no privacy and absolutely no time alone.
I fear the fights I have with my husband. They leave us both so scarred and distant with each other.
I am second to his children and to his family. It makes me sad, angry and incredibly resentful.
I fear the changes in myself. I was such a kind, giving, nuturing soul but no more. I am afraid I can’t love others (except my children/family/friends) like I used to prior to marriage. I know for a fact I can’t and never will love my steps. The hurt is too deep.
I hate living in a house where the steps rule. They do nothing and get everything. I hate that I compare the husband/wife relationship my husband had with his ex (she didn’t work, got everything she wanted) and I don’t have that with him. I work (2 jobs) and pay for all my own things and those of my girls.
Most of all, thinking is this my life? What happened to me and why do I allow he and his children to treat me so poorly?
March 5th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Wow. My earlier, rather flippant response about the lack of privacy is certainly true, but as I read what you all are writing, I feel such resonant sympathy that I must reconsider. I, too, miss the woman that I used to be. And I have, in fact, followed Wednesday’s advice about creating time for my own friendships and my own interests–and have followed it very energetically. But you know what? It’s still just a shadow of the life I used to live. And it’s just a shadow of the marriage that I thought I’d have, that I’ve worked so hard for for so long. And I do give my husband credit–as guys go, he’s doing his best. But even his best effort always leaves me hungry and longing for more.
I am concerend about the moral and ethical character that I see developing in my 13 year old stepdaughter. She lives with us half the week, every week. During half of the week, our lives revolve around her activities and social schedule. She is spoiled and pampered and is, consequently, very self-centered. When I was her age, I watched my brother die from a brain tumor; I am, therefore, equal parts jealous of her privilige and disgusted by her shallow materialism. And because I am only the insignificant stepmother, I have no voice in any of this.
Da Wiznitch, how did you do it? And what does it look like on the other side? What exactly is the best we can hope for? (and also, what’s the story behind your awesome moniker?)
March 5th, 2010 at 6:13 pm
How did I do it. Well, I read Stepmonster, and that gave me more…moxie or something. We went to counseling, and it was really expensive and really contentious and my partner hated it. (I didn’t like it much either to be honest.) But he heard me tell several therapists about how unhappy I was and how I was thinking of leaving and going back to my farm. And finally it just seemed easier I think to him (and less expensive) to give in to my “demands” than to constantly go to counseling!
(My “demand” was that I should not have to be in the same room with one of his daughters and one of his sons. He had accepted that idea about his son, but not the daughter. I said he could have her over and I would greet her briefly but then go out or retire to my room to “work,” but that wasn’t acceptable to him for a long time. He wanted me to stay there and be a nice hostess.
)
I have only been on “the other side” for about a month, but so far it’s good. We promised each other we wouldn’t talk about the kids, and we don’t. He likes that better, and I’m fine with it as long as I don’t have to be around them. We’re more affectionate with each other and we have more fun. We’re going on a vacation in a week together.
I don’t know what’s the best we can hope for. All I wanted was peace with honor, and now I’ve got it. But war could erupt again I suppose. However I doubt it: I think the two bad actors have figured out that I’m serious; that I will set limits and stick to them; and they better not f#@% with me.
I made up that moniker. There’s an “urban” expression, “I am the biznitch,” which I gather means, “Don’t f$#% with me or you will regret it.” Sometimes the word is used like this: “Your biznitch precedes you, madam.” Meaning, you have a reputation of being a tough streetwise fighter. I just altered it a little to reflect my magickal skills.
March 5th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
Wow, sister-stepmoms. It makes me jubilantly happy and grateful to know that you are all out there, struggling with the same things I struggle with, and often succeeding. And it breaks my heart, too, to read comments that echo my own feelings about feeling “second,” about not having the marriage we always imagined, about feeling scared that diving into stepfamily life has changed who we are. Thank you so much for sharing here. All of your comments resonate so powerfully with me.
Wednesday, you’ve really hit a nerve with this post (though I think you nail it every time, with every post!). In response to your very kind, thoughtful, and helpful comments back to me today:
I emailed my step-sister, who just married and moved in with a man who has 2 adolescents (just a few years younger than my 2 teen stepkids), and we made a stepsisters’/stepmoms’ phone date for the weekend. I also signed up for a free stepfamily coaching call next week. You inspired me to look for a support group, which I haven’t pursued as vigorously I should have.
A particular part of your comments really made me think (the germ of this started when I read Stepmonster): “You can create those conditions for the happy you to come back out, even from the situation you describe…” There is something in all of this that seems to come down to be being willing to let go of “owning” my stepfamily members, take care of myself, and walk away long enough to do the things that I love and have stopped doing. I’m wondering if anyone else thinks thoughts like this, and how they deal: “Okay, if I don’t make them all dinner tonight; if I just grab my glass of wine and leave them and go up to the office to read and write – great. But when I come back downstairs, kids will be whining that I didn’t feed them, kitchen will be a disaster, dogs won’t be fed, etc.” I can’t tell if it’s that I would feel guilty for not taking responsibility for them, or if the thought of their mess is just so overwhelming that I take it all on and act like like a martyr. In any case – I need to reclaim my agency and ability to create the life I want. Somehow I need to believe and implement that belief.
I have rambled on far too long! Thank you, Wednesday, and thank you, fellow stepmothers. I deeply appreciate that you’re all here.
March 5th, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I am a few years into this whole Stepmotherland and some things have worked out, and yet I am really sad at how hard it has been to come to “normal” in a lot of ways.
My dear husband rarely shows obvious favoritism anymore (I mean for his biological offspring over mine), but it took my having an absolute cow about how outrageous I found it in order for it to stop. And even now it irritates me when he is patient with my stepchildren over the same topic he was mean spirited with mine over. (My kids were older and are no longer children.) It’s not that I don’t want him to be patient with them, I approve of that. I guess it is difficult for me to forgive when I see reminders of the bad first few years.
These days he rarely takes out his frustration on me when he is not seeing them as much as he would like. But we have had so many needless fights over the years because of it. Why is post-divorce dysfunction between him, his ex and his daughters my fault? I didn’t cause the divorce, I didn’t even know any of them until many years later.
I feel sad that my stepdaughters seem to despise me even though I have been nothing but patient and kind and have provided for them generously. I feel sad that my husband seems blind to their rude disdain.
I have never had a nice family vacation. They have been horror on the road. I was treated like a disrespected hired servant, and I don’t mean by my stepchildren, I am talking about my husband. I can’t imagine ever putting myself through that torture ever ever again. At least we had a wonderful honeymoon before the difficult years began. I wonder if we will ever take a vacation again, just us two? I wonder if we like each other enough nowadays to try?
March 6th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Thank you for listing the top struggles because sometimes it is hard to articulate why I am feeling the way I am feeling. My biggest struggle is I can feel like an outsider in my own home/my husband puts his kids before the marriage. I am aware of the fact that “not belonging” or “not being wanted” is an issue I have to own and I have also come to terms with the fact that being a stepmom is emotional boot camp, (do not sign up for it unless you are prepared to learn and grow!). In any event, I am not Yoda yet and I still feel like an outsider when my husband and twin nine year old step sons are around. Luckily I’m Sporty-Girl, because it is TSN around my house. If they aren’t watching hockey (Canadian eh) or football, they are playing together, or we as parents are watching them. My husband’s life revolves around them. He lives and breathes for them. He would love it if we had them all the time. I might love it too if I didn’t feel that I had to be Sporty Spice to be around them, and if when we have them he carved out some time for his wife. Or even some time for himself. His argument is when we have them we have to make the most of it, and when we don’t we can spend time together. But this makes life fragmented and builds resentment for me when we have them, no? My husband obviously has guilt about not being around for them 100% of the time, and wants to be Super Father, but I think he is over the top when we have them.
March 6th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
I wanted to also comment about the work you are doing Wednesday. I must admit I have not yet bought your book yet, but I have just become aware of what an expert you are. I’ve read your bold and articulate articles in Stepmom Magazine on jealousy and sex and listened to your recent radio show with Erin and Peggy and I think you are amazing. I love how smart you are and wise, but also your disposition is so gentle and compassionate. Qualities we all need to nurture ourselves with as stepmoms. Thank you for being so amazing and for sharing all that you learn with us.
March 7th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
It sounds like quite a few of you list as among your top concerns “I feel like an Outsider” and/or “I feel depleted by my stepchildren being around” and variations on this theme. So I’ll address that first, and then start addressing another concern every week.
So stay tuned–and if you have a “top stepmother concern” you don’t see listed here, please post it.
xx wednesday
March 7th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
The biggest fear I have for stepmoms in general is that the “evil stepmom” myth makes it so no one — not the spouse, not the skids, not the BM, not society at large, and not the marriage counselors — is willing to hear or understand how untenable a situation most of us are put in. Our culture is not ready to give us a legitimate place. That can be an extraordinarily alienating position to be in.
On that note, Wednesday — would you please put on your blog a way for stepmoms to search for counselors/therapists in their area who specialize in blended family/stepparent issues?
March 7th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries and boundaries some more.
Boundaries are a great thing, but when you constantly have to set them over and over and over again.. step-life can feel like step-siege. I feel like I have had to set so many boundaries, and defend them all so hard just to cut out my own little space, that I’m constantly on the defensive and waiting for the next onslaught to arrive.
I simply cannot relax and put my guard down in my own home. I hate it, because my home should be my safe place to get away from the world, not the cause of all the trouble!!
I’ve been in step for 6 years now. Honestly, I’m surprised I have lasted that long.
At the moment, my big issue is the stealing. And the pressure to lend things to children who do not return them, demand reasons for having to return things, return them broken, or lose them. Apparently I’m a big selfish meanie for not wanting my stuff trashed.
And I’m a big meanie for making a big deal out of having my things stolen and turning up in places like my stepdaughter’s underwear drawer. Apparently, she should be allowed to pilfer at will. The cupboard in the bathroom with the farking big padlock on it is “embarrassing” and “makes the children feel bad”.
Oh well.
March 7th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Putting in years of being a stepmom, waiting until the dust settles to have children of my own, not being able to have children of my own (or not have my skids accept their half-siblings if I do).
March 7th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Oh, I want to say too how much I love your Stepmonster book! I pretty much bought it the second it came out. I probably need to read it again, and periodically, to keep my perspective fresh. Thanks for writing so honesty on this topic. I feel understood when I read what you have written.
March 8th, 2010 at 10:01 am
being the immediate person to blame for EVERYTHING
lack of rules for my sd in our home (in conjunction with this my DH having 2 sets of rules 1 for our kids and 1 for sd which for sd is really none and he seems to take out his frustration at his incapability to parent on our bkids)
March 9th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
My absolute biggest, massivest fear about being a stepmother is that, despite promises, my partner will “chicken out” when it comes to us marrying and having children of our own, either due to concern about how the kids will handle it, or (more likely, though he wouldn’t admit it) because of fear of how their mother will react, and the consequences of her inevitable hostility on his access to and relationship with his existing children. If that happened, as much as I love him, I would leave him rather than go through my life bitter and resentful at caring for his children without any of my own.
I also worry constantly that we will “have” to leave our city and move to follow the kids’ mother to her home town – despite moving there against my partner’s wishes, her unceasing chorus to us and the children has been that he is abandoning and neglecting them by not immediately striking camp to follow her the thousands of miles there, despite that we travel constantly to have the children nearly half the time. My partner’s ex-wife’s power to guilt him is completely unrelated to facts or fairness.
Mixed in with this concern is that if/when we do have our own children, the time will come when living in our city and travelling to see his children will become unsustainable, so we will have to move away from our friends and my family at the time when I need them most.
Another niggle is that our lives will continue to be dictated by his guilt, and that the children, especially the oldest, are at risk of growing up into completely indulged people who think they are entitled to punish and use us both in whatever way suits them because of the “horrors” of divorce.
Finally, I worry that my partner’s overwhelming desire to win his ex-wife’s impossible approval will continue to dictate his actions, our time and our finances.
March 9th, 2010 at 6:44 pm
My top concerns are – jeez, where do I begin?
I fear my husband is actually “married” to his son and not me. His 14 year old son has all the “power” in the house and whenever he’s here, I feel like I’m invisible and as if I have no say. And actually, I have very little say about what goes on in this house. Everything seems to revolve around what’s going on with the son, his fragmented custody schedule, his mother, etc., etc. Most of the time I feel like I come dead last on my husband’s list of priorities.
Another one that worries me – not only do I not love stepson, I don’t like him at all. Spoiled, entitled, lazy, rude and arrogant are just a start, and I’m not kidding. I recently discovered that he’s been sexting in a hard core pornographic way to 3 girls in his class, and aggressively bullying them for naked pictures. It reminds me of men who don’t know that “no” means “no.” I have a visceral reaction to stepson’s very disturbing behavior and his flip reaction when he was found out. And ever since then, I can’t help it, I wonder, just who the heck is this person in my house? What else is he up to and who else might he be intimidating? I don’t trust him at all and unlike his parents, have a very hard time believing that he didn’t know what he was doing is wrong.
I worry that my marriage won’t survive and I’ll lose my husband, who I love dearly. We are failing at this miserably every day.
I worry that my husband’s ex will never butt out of our lives.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:48 am
notsowicked,
you’re in the thick of it, it sounds like. having a 14 yo stepchild with social and emotional issues is TOUGH. the real issue is your couple bond with your husband. that’s what I care about most of all, that and your happiness.
the good news is that your stepson will not always be 14 years old. and that changing or fixing him is not your problem or your responsibility. not is liking your stepson. the bad news is you feel last on your husband’s list of priorities. and there’s the rub. I’m going to post something by Kela Price about how to find a counsellor who really knows how to help couples in remarriages with children. And I want to suggest that you get a book by John Gottman, or my book Stepmonster, and look at the communication formulas therein for discussing hot topics. it’s important to get these issues on the table with your husband, and equally important to say it in a way he can really hear, so he doesn’t get defensive and withdraw.
so many of us have felt just as you do, and made it to the other side and said, we got through that and we’re stronger for it. promise.
Liz, you got it, stepmother as lightning rod in the stepfamily system. Knowing how common this is doesn’t make it less aggravating, but it makes you feel less alone and insane. Once the couple becomes central, this tendency ebbs. Let’s get you and your partner there over the next weeks.
Becky, I want you to plan a vacation with your partner. Just the two of you. Use a communication formula from my book or one of John Gottman’s to talk to your partner about why this is important for you both. Even if it’s just a weekend or an overnight away, just the two of you, it’s a start.
Becky, today there will be a guest post about finding a therapist.
Urban stepmom, hope the post on His Kids was helpful to you. No more contortions or exhausting yourself to be “on” constantly when his kids are around. That’s a recipe for resentment. Take is slow, and find time for yourself. And we will get you to the point where you can communicate effectively to your partner that it is MOST important to nurture the couple bond while the kids are there, not just when they’re gone. That way you have more of a sense of security, and hence more emotional energy for his kids when they’re around.
Thanks to you all for posting. You will find your concerns addressed over the next two weeks! If so many other couples and women can beat the odds, so can you. xx wednesday
March 10th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Notsowicked –
I feel the same way and couldn’t quite find the words to express myself, but you did! I, too, feel as though my husband is “married” to his 13 year old son. His son rules the house and his schedule dictates how we live when he is with us. (which is every other week for a week). It causes extreme resentment as I feel like the “every other week” wife.
Thank you for expressing what I could not.
March 13th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
I am a bio mom and have been a step mom for two years now. I have experienced everything that you all have written about. However, now, at the end of two years, most of that drama has gone away (including all of the bio mom’s incredibly nasty interferance) and we are actually starting to enjoy ourselves. How did we do it? Three words – counseling, counseling, counseling – you and your husband together. It made a HUGE difference. Cannot recommend it enough. The counselor helped us understand the psychology behind the step’s behavior. What appeared on the surface to be totally defiant and disrespectful behavior was exactly the opposite. Imagine my surprise when I recounted a particularly painful scenario to the counselor and she clapped her hands and said, “I have good news for you, she is bonding with you!”
I would also like to add that these step mom blogs are incredibly supportive and helpful.
Having said all that, here is my fear – I fear that the courts play a huge part in continuing stepfamily drama and no one is addressing that. Quantity time counts with kids. Why do the majority of fathers get the short end of the stick on that one? Every other week-end does not help anyone bond. Why did my husband have to fight for and ultimately get denied 50% parenting time with his daughter? Because bio-mom said no and that was that. Why does he have to fight to spend time with his own child? The courts deal severely with “deadbeat” dads – they can go to jail if they don’t stay current with child support. When will the courts start dealing as severely with “deadbeat” moms – those women who engage in Parent Alienation? I don’t think a lot of this stepfamily drama will disappear until the courts change how they do business. Ladies, what do you think?
March 18th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Late to the party, but so glad to read all of this. I have been remarried for 2.5 years and have 3 skids – now 12, 16 and 19. When we first married the 16 year old girl (who was 14 a the time) ruled the house. It was absolutely horrible. For awhile, we still had my apartment and many nights I would take my daughter and sleep there just to avoid feeling so miserable. You are supposed to feel safe in your own home and I couldn’t with her. My husband and I spent a lot of time talking – very honestly, laying it all out there. After that and counseling we have become so much better, SD began stealing, doing drugs, etc and now lives with her mom full time. I have not had her in my home since last Sept. and things have been so much better. The 12 year old SD and I have a fine relationship though she is so clingy with her dad that he and I are never alone when she is here. So, things are not perfect but much safer and happier. It made me feel horrible for a long time that I was glad the 16 yr old was gone. Not any more. Thanks for listening and writing such a wonderful book and blog. Much appreciated by me – maybe marriage saving.
March 19th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
Tracy,
Feeling unsafe in your home is a deal-breaker. I am very happy to hear that things feel safer and happier in your home. Often when an extremely uncooperative teen step/child wants to be out of the home, that is in fact the best option provided there’s somewhere safe for her to go. We don’t know where your 16-year-old stepdaughter will be in 10 years–maybe law school! Or maybe still dealing drugs. We just don’t know. It must be a relief to know that it is not your job to “fix” her.
Ellen, thank you so much for the plug for seeing a certified counselor. What a wonderful success story you and your husband are. I share your sense that Family Court and lawyers too often protract and inflame the post-divorce process. Until that changes, it helps to know that when the partnership is equitable and strong, you can take on anything. xx wednesday
March 25th, 2010 at 8:00 pm
Labels, labels, labels…
I feel as if in becoming a stepmom I am a blank canvas for everyone’s misconceptions, labels, and perceptions. The labels, with absolutely no basis in reality, simply are thrown out there as if magnetized and I am a large walking metal object to which they stick. Some examples are:
Although my husband and I have his kids 1/2 time and I re-arranged my work schedule to take them every morning because he can’t, I am always thought of as this “side adult” who has apparently oodles of free time in the morning to get two children that are not hers off to school.
Everyone assumes the Mom must be very involved with the children’s activites, when it is actually me taking the children to most activities while the Mom calls my husband and complains.
That I must not be very maternal if I simply don’t love every minute spent raising someone else’s children.
I am a shrill and demanding person because I expect a 10 year old to bring her dirty dishes to the sink.
Although I am highly educated and a teacher myself, I am labeled as “unaware” when it comes to the educational needs and expected development of the children.
Everyone assumes I am “helping” two highly involved and engaged parents when both parents have completely checked out in so many ways it frightens me. When the children wanted to talk about the divorce with me, I was TOLD I could talk to the children about such topics as long as I did not “overwork” the issue or “imply in any way that the children had been negatively impacted by the divorce”.
May 4th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
gosh!
This is like coming home. I’ve been a smum (my SD’s made up name) for 7 long hard years and this blog is seriously affirming and consoling. Thank you all for your honesty and openness. Thank you Wednesday.
Like most of you, I was aware of the stats about 2nd marriages (or defacto relationships) and the hardships of step families but I was so optimistically determined not to be a step-stat that I averted my attention and just gave and gave and gave and then became exhausted and resentful.
After lots of counselling (and it took us 54 different counsellors to fin the right one finally settling on wonderfully insightful, smart a clinical psychologist with a fantastic approach), we’re overcoming problems. I have to credit my partner with wanting to do change and putting change into practice. It has been hard for him to metamorphosise from a permissive parent ruled by guilt and defensiveness into a pro-active parent who sets boundaries and sticks to them. It has also been incredibly rewarding. This is the biggest thing that’s repairing our relationship that has been damaged through 7 years of abuse. And abuse might seem a strong word but that’s what it was. So, we’re on the path to healing – the residual resentment and pain is hard to shake – but we’re still trying.
Ok so here’s my Top Ten Concerns of Stepparents not necessarily in order of importance just how they come out…
1. Resentment – and there are s many ways resentment can build up:
2. Heirarchy – feeling like the bottom feeder in the food chain.
3. Importance – feeling like he loves his kids more than me. Our relationship has to come first for it to be worth it!
4. The past – Feeling like my life now is being constantly influenced by his past life.
5. Time – the amount of time spent on managing the step-family business. It is so exhausting! Sometimes it feels like all we have time for is managing step stuff rather than planning our future or even planning some fun!
6. The “other” – the amount of time spent managing the relationship with his ex.
Stepfamily tensions are taking over my life/my marriage.
7. Finances – see points #4 and #6.
8. Term of Natural Life – The feeling that this hardship will never end.
9. Our Kid – The affect that the step family situation will have on our bio child.
10. Family Culture – The unsettling knowledge that the new family culture has in some ways been set by the ex and the steps. The fact that my partner and I don’t have a clean slate to write our future on. Some family traditions, cultures jokes that I don’t particularly like or espouse are already entrenched.
11. Finding acceptance – Wondering how on earth I will ever find acceptance of all of this. Buddhism maybe?
Oh there’s more… but that’s plenty for now. Thanks for reading.
May 4th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
Sorry that should be 4 cousellors not 54. That would be freakish!
May 20th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
I was desperate and at my wits end when I found this website and have just ordered the book Stepmonster. I have also been reading the blogs ect..I felt all alone and like it was just happening to me. I am married to the love of my life. Together we have 5. SS on his own doing very well get along great. SD 22 in college is pregnant and just moved back home. SD 18 who is graduating in a few moths and going to college. I will be very surprised if she makes it through her first year. I have a daughter 16 who resents my husbands partiality. He always has his head in the sand when it comes to his SD’s and a radar on her. They both hate me and have turned on me many times. I could go on and on. Anyway its been a rough/stressful 5 years. We take three steps forward and seven back!! Keep sharing your stories they truly help others.
LeeAnn