Comments on: Top Concern of Women with Stepkids: His Kids!

By: Arkansasgirl

Arkansasgirl — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 18:41:50 +0000

I meant bio child…sorry.

By: Arkansasgirl

Arkansasgirl — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 18:41:30 +0000

Okay so how do you step back when you have a bil child in the picture too? Tell them that it’s okay for skids to lie, steal, throw fits, bully, etc. but only them? what is this m word that you say we should do when the child is stealing or intimidating? What does it mean???

By: Alexandra

Alexandra — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 15:18:55 +0000

I just recently moved out of the hosue because things were getting too intense. I tried to apply everything I read but nothing worked and our life was a living hell for me, my daughter and my husband. Most probably for his son as well, although I fail to see it really…

We have decided to be a stepfamily that lives separately… I don’t know if this will work but I do know that it will be a lot easier for me to apply the rules in this text!!!

By: A Fascinating Life » Blog Archive » His kids…

A Fascinating Life » Blog Archive » His kids… — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 15:09:57 +0000

[...] at 11:25 am and is filed under book news. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Share and [...]

By: Da Wiznitch

Da Wiznitch — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:14:14 +0000

Keep saying it. The therapists are not hearing it.

In the meantime, I’m not waiting for him to wrap his mind around anything, because I could be waiting for ever. I just set boundaries and enforce them.

By: admin

admin — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:39:57 +0000

Da Wiznitch,
I’ve said it and said it: stepmothering is a feminist issue. For many reasons, chief among them because it is about gendered power imbalances–in the household. I think stepmothering absolutely requires us to reconsider how a “nice girl” behaves. And I think husbands may be coming from a mindset that all women–particularly the ones who are their parnters!–should be all-loving and all-maternal all the time. Part of their job is to reframe their expectations–often radically–so that they are more realistic and in line with what their partner are usually up against. Namely, a power imbalance partly of his making, and kids who may remain hostile and rejecting or resentful of her for years in spite of her best efforts. It takes some time to wrap one’s head around the following idea: “Maybe it’s not my wife/partner who needs to change but rather my kids. Who will only change if I change my expectations of them.”

By: Da Wiznitch

Da Wiznitch — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:40:43 +0000

I think I get it too: a lot of times “problems with stepkids” are proxy wars between adults. One real war may be the ongoing war between your partner and his ex; but it can also be (shudder) about a power struggle between you (the stepmother) and the father of the children.

I think my partner was somehow determined to “make” me put up with his children’s abuse, for some weird power reason. I guess you could call it covert aggression. I don’t think he was conscious of it. It was hard for me to admit to myself, even, that this could be going on, but a book I read helped me face the fact that it was possible. The book is called If Men Could Talk, and it discusses the way that male covert aggression against women works.

Once I realized that he was unconsciously engaged in a power struggle with me, a kind of demonstration of his power to “make” me endure conditions that I found intolerable, I felt more determined than ever to sort of call him out on it and make this abuse by proxy stop. I remember one phone conversation where I pointed out that he never required me to spend time with his nice children, only the mean ones. This sort of took him aback. I think he suddenly saw the covert aggression in his demands that I play hostess to his meanest children.

Again, I don’t think any of this was conscious. But that doesn’t make it right or acceptable. Many men harbor deep misogyny and ambivalence about their relationships with women. Even apparently meek and mild men want to have the upper hand. Part of the feminist agenda is to nip this kind of intimate oppression in the bud, no matter how well-hidden it is. This is not mean or cruel, but it may require us to think differently about how a nice girl behaves.

By: taryn

taryn — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:55:58 +0000

i think i get it–that the problems that feel like they’re abut how his kids ARE, are actually problems with how my husband lets them be, my expectations, not asking the right way or suggesting in ways he can hear abuot changes that matter to me. problems with kids = problems with the stepcouple. our therapist told us a version of this and it always helped. i needed this reminder so thanks!

By: admin

admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:34:02 +0000

Wicked, so true about their being a spectrum of involvement for women with stepkids. I write about this extensively in my book. There is no one right way to be a stepmother! Loving them like they’re your own is no standard for being a good or successful stepmother–and it may antagonize their mother, exacerbate their loyalty bind, etc. Learning to deal with the nasty comments you mention is actually an opportunity to practice being less approval oriented. Really for this all to work you need only to be on the same page with your husband (yes you CAN get there) and have relations with his kids that are civil, fair, and as warm as feels natural to them and you.

Thanks for reading and weighing in as ever, Mary Kelly, one of my favorite stepfamily therapists/coaches.

Lisa, more about “witnessing” versus experiencing a child’s problems soon, I promise!

To all of you, we’ll get to these points and concerns soon, over the next days and weeks. I’m committed to that. xx wednesday

By: Lisa M

Lisa M — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:27:08 +0000

Thank you for another brilliant and oh so helpful post. After years and years of trying to do everything a mother would for my stepson, and being stuck in the critcism/defensiveness loop you describe so well, this year I finally decided to step back. In a recent heated argument my husband asked me if I loved his son. I said No I didn’t. It’s my honest answer and one I at last don’t feel terrible about, but boy oh boy, you’d think I’d said something pretty heinous by the way my husband reacted. (I really have tried to love and like that child, but I just don’t.)

Stepping back and being civil has felt a little better, but much of stepboy’s unpleasant spoiled rude behavior still drives me nuts. Here’s my question: How exactly do you go about “just witnessing?” I’d love to, I just don’t think I know how.