Comments on: Top Stepmother Concerns: How to Get Thee to a Counselor Who Gets It by Kela Price

By: Warning signs for stepmothers « Stepmum Of The Year

Warning signs for stepmothers « Stepmum Of The Year — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 14:00:07 +0000

[...] at least have a good stepfamily counsellor at the [...]

[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The comment’s server IP (72.233.69.20) doesn’t match the comment’s URL host IP (72.233.69.6) and so is spam.

By: dating advice

dating advice — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 04:55:34 +0000

Well, finding good information on marital counselors ( dating advice or relationship advice) is not always common. But the information here about Wednesday Martin» Blog Archive » Top Stepmother Concerns: How to Get Thee to a Counselor Who Gets It by Kela Price is enough. I see now what has been cooking in your head.Keep up.

[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

By: Divided loyalties « Stepmum Of The Year

Divided loyalties « Stepmum Of The Year — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 07:35:19 +0000

[...] recent posts on Wednesday Martin’s blog, and subsequent discussion in the comments, about the importance of finding a therapist who is knowledgeable about stepfamily dynamics, I [...]

[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The comment’s server IP (72.233.96.181) doesn’t match the comment’s URL host IP (74.200.243.251) and so is spam.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 16:39:32 +0000

I have a 14 y/o daughter who has chosen to live with her dad during the week.
I have her on weekends. For a time between 11 and 13, she was a little creep.
Yep, I admit it (which is half the battle). She was extremely disrespectful to me and my new husband. She refused to do chores on the weekends she was with us. “I don’t live her, I’m a guest. I don’t have to help.” After trying to deal nicely with her attitude – to no avail, I bit the bullet and laid it out for her. This was out of necessity, as I was a basket case, and my relationship with my wonderful husband and stepkids was in jeapordy. I told her she was not a guest. That she was a family memeber. Being part of a family means everyone helps each other and that there are rules to make life functional and as fair as possible for everyone. That although I love her and want her around, I am not the weekend entertainment director. I told her if she didn’t want to be part of the family and participate as a family member then she didn’t have to come visit us. I told her that her attitude and her were not welcome in our home until she wanted to participate fully as a family member. (We do fun things on weekends also….dirt-biking, eatting out, family movie night, etc.) It felt like a really big risk, but my health and sanity were on the line. Well, she skipped about a month with us (the break was actually a relief), but eventually showed back up. She will now even empty the dishwasher without being told, and realizes that chores are not optional, just a party of everyones life.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck,
Lisa

By: admin

admin — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:11:46 +0000

Kathy,
I am hoping you will get some good suggestions here when traffic picks up early in the week. It might not be such a bad thing to LET your stepdaughter simply stay away. It sounds like it could be good for your emotional health, your husband’s physical health, your marriage, and your son to take a hiatus from a teen who doesn’t want to be with you anyway for the moment. You might all just enjoy it while it lasts ; )
Something to think about. Take care, xx wednesday

By: admin

admin — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:05:33 +0000

My now- husband and I sought couples therapy as soon as we realized we wanted to get married. I just didn’t believe it was going to be easy–in spite of his reassurances that it was “all going to be just fine.” Hah! While our couples therapist–actually a psychiatrist, one of the rare ones who knows how to do talk therapy and couples work–did not have experience with couples in a remarriage with children, and didn’t really school us about typical stepfamily dynamics, he did do something so important: he taught my husband to put his marriage first, be a partner to me, think of us as a team. And crucially, he taught us how to fight fair, something so important since there is a LOT for couples in a remarriage with children to fight about! Finally, he did that hard-to-quantify thing that the best marital or couples therapists do–convinced us that he was on our side and wanted our partnership to work and wasn’t going to give up or let us give up. I don’t think I would be married today if not for the compassionate couples therapist who worked with us before we got married and in the early part of our marriage. My personal view is that searching for a couples therapist, and finding the right one, is well worth the trouble. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…xx wednesday

By: Da Wiznitch

Da Wiznitch — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:32:16 +0000

To Kathy:

Hang in there about the dishwasher, etc. I had the same troubles with all six of my skids. None would do any household stuff willingly. After years of resisting, complaining, etc, however, two of the boys finally “got it,” and just started doing their chores without grumbling. One of them called from college recently and thanked his dad (and implicitly me) for teaching him these important skills.

The oldest girl, however, moved out because she didn’t want to wash a dish ever in her life. Or clean a bathroom. Or take out the trash. Ever. (Presumably she does those things now, as she has been in the Navy and is fixing to get married.)

About bed times: when my son turned about 14, I let him set his own bed time. If he was tired at school, he figured it out and went to bed earlier. It’s ok to let kids discipline themselves a bit at that age, as long as they’re not hurting others.

Ignore the mom’s objections to your reasonable rules. Don’t get drawn into arguments with your SD over why the rules are different at your house. They just are.

Try to make fewer sacrifices for this daughter so you won’t be so resentful. Separate your finances if you can, and let your husband pay for her “toys” so you won’t have to fight with him over that. (My partner and I split household expenses 50/50; that may not be possible for all couples, especially if there are little kids and SAHMs, but it sure does cut down on arguments: he pays for his kids, I pay for mine.)

I would just accept the fact that big kids sometimes “teach” little kids “bad” stuff: bad words, etc. As long as her “teaching” is not abusive or inappropriately sexual, i wouldn’t worry too much about it. Big kids have been a bad influence on little kids forever. You just tell the little kid that he can’t do those things that she tells him to do, or else. It’s that simple.

My partner got sick too because of stepkid stress. He also has trouble concentrating on his work when these problems get intense. I can work ok, but I know my mental health has suffered. I don’t know what to tell you about this, because it seems as if you are taking all the “antidotes.” Except one: telling this girl to get lost for a while. Maybe your husband could see her on weekends away from your house, if all this is just too stressful for you.

Many girls are pretty bad in their teens. In some ways they are worse than boys. For more on this, see a great book called Get out of my Life! But First Could You Drive Cheryl and Me to the Mall.
http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268339440&sr=8-1

Really, it’s nothing personal: she’s a teenager girl in America.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:47:31 +0000

Well, I have to say that this is good timing because I’m only now seeing the limitations on the counselor we’ve been seeing. He’s a good man and a good counselor, but he does sees our situation in terms of first family dynamics and that’s made any progress come at a glacial pace. He does not advise us on stepfamily dynamics and he certainly doesn’t see what I’m dealing with. All of the progress we’ve made is because of decisions I made myself, actions I took myself, outside of the context of counseling.

Sister stepmoms, I need your help and advice and support; we’ve only recently become aware of how toxic our situation is and we’re feeling rather desperate. Long story short: we have shared custody of a 13 year old who splits each week between her mom’s house and ours. We’ve bitten our lips a lot over the permissive parenting we see at her mom’s house–the child has no limits, no boundaries, no expectations, is spoiled and terribly indulged. By contrast, she views our modest expectations (be in bed by 9:30, empty the dishwasher) with snotty disrespect, so that our time with her is becoming increasingly unpleasant. We brace for it. Other bad behaviors have been appearing lately as well–a lot of lying, for one–and recently she’s been teaching our 6 year old son some very rude attitudes behind our backs (well, we caught her in the act last week).

We had a long talk about this last week and her father asked her to think about it all during the week (he did most of the talking; I did not play the parent to her in this conversation but I did speak as my son’s mother and told her how angry I was about the role model she was presenting to him). It’s not clear what she told her mother about this talk, but she admitted that they talked about it a lot (“Well, why shouldn’t I talk to my mom? We’re really close. She’s like my best friend!” –verbatim–) and her mother was very upset on her behalf, that the poor child has to suffer such unfair treatment as she gets at our house. That was the message that she took away.

Help. I should say that I’m doing everything Wednesday says, I’ve been going out with friends, I’ve been staying out of much of the parenting, I’ve been taking care of myself. But oh my god, you cannot imagine the enormous financial, emotional and personal sacrifices we have made over the years on this child’s behalf. We’ve had shared custody for 10 years. For nearly 7 years we overpaid child support in order to have access to her because her mother threatened to withhold visitation unless she got more money. All that money, all that effort to have her in our lives and now her mother is telling her that she’s not wanted here. Help help help. I can’t even concentrate on my own work I am so angry and disgusted.

One other point: my husband lives with a chronic disease that is exacerbated by stress and in the past year it’s gotten worse, so bad that he’s graduated to a new, very intense medication. How much worse do things have to get? He’s going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow, and we have date night set for Saturday, and I’ve already made inquiries for a stepfamily counselor, and I’m getting exercise and all that stuff to take care of myself and us but all of that notwithstanding I feel utterly desperate. Any thoughts?

By: Blending Family

Blending Family — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:22:47 +0000

My sister’s blending family coach is Emily Bouchard. Although they haven’t met in person, I was told she is awesome. They do the counseling by phone.

By: Da Wiznitch

Da Wiznitch — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 21:42:50 +0000

We had high hopes when we went to a counselor who had actually written a book about stepfamilies. Unfortunately, it was about stepfathers rather than stepmothers. He was worse than useless. He told me I should “just get over” my fear of violence, that it was a “burden,” and that anybody could be assaulted at any time–even him!–yet he didn’t worry about it, so neither should I.

My partner and I eventually agreed that all this “therapy” was actually making things worse, not better.

I will say this for therapy: it’s a kind of court, or forum, for airing grievances in a safe way. It did my partner some good to hear me say, in counseling, how unhappy I was.

On the other hand, most therapist just seem to be about finding ways to get people to adjust to the way things are. They don’t seem to think about justice, or right or wrong. They will never tell a person that his actions are morally wrong. Most don’t see stepfamily issues as feminist issues, or as issues that involve oppression and injustice. I see this as a serious limitation.