Your Top Concern #4–My Partnership/Marriage is falling apart!
You said it and I hear you: you’re worried (some of you are literally worried sick) about your marriage/partnership. Here’s what you’ve said:
-”My husband is married to his kids, not to me. He’s so close to them. Whenever they show up I feel and am shunted to the side. If I complain, I’m a petty wicked stepmother. So I don’t say anything. And then I’m furious at him, and at them.”
-”When his kids are around he won’t even hold my hand. That hurts. And it makes me dread their visits.”
“He’s not finished with his ex. He does chores for her. He bickers with her like they’re still married. He’s at her beck and call and I’m fed up with it.”
-”This is a shadow of the marriage I hoped I would have–the fighting, the disappointment, the stress of dealing with his kids and his ex.”
You are right in your sense that when it comes to stepfamily life, without a good partnership you are nowhere. And with an airtight, satisfying alliance where you feel valued, loved, and part of a team of two, you can put up with and even thrive in the context of just about anything an uncooperative ex or resentful step/kids dish out.
Your partnership is what counts and is the key to success. Everything else–games of chicken about visitation with his ex, teen stepkinder with slovenly rooms and bad hygiene, stepkids who are disrespectful, sullen, or unwelcoming to a stepparent–are so much noise. What I mean is, fix the underlying issue by recalibrating your marriage so that it is a true partnership, and these other issues with repair themselves, or recede so much into the background that they matter less.
For example, if your teen stepson in residence is using drugs, that’s a huge problem and a huge stress on a marriage or partnership–particularly if you find yourself in that typical dynamic in a remarriage with children wherein you point out the problem with the kid’s behavior, and your husband dismisses your concern and minimizes the importance of what’s going on. At which point, you escalate your criticisms so he’ll take you seriously, and he grows ever more defensive and withdrawn and suggests, implicitly by ignoring you and explicitly by saying it, that you’re way too hard on his kids and there’s something wrong with your reaction.
Feels like a deal breaker, doesn’t it? Here’s another scenario: you’re both on the same page about what to do. You’re not thrilled to have your life once again waylaid by a teen stepkid who’s constantly creating drama and difficulty in your marriage and your life. You calmly tell your husband as much while also telling him that you feel bad for the stress it’s creating for him to have a kid breaking the rules. Your husband nods and says, “I know. It’s so frustrating for me and I’m his parent. I can only image how much you must resent this, and I don’t blame you one bit. Thanks for putting up with all this teen crap. I really feel lucky that you married me and you’re sticking it out with me.”
Yes, you can. Over the next weeks I’ll have stepfamily and martial and relationship experts doing guest posts to tell you how to realign the power imbalances in your home so your partnership feels and IS equitable, satisfying, and yes, happy.
A great place to start is psychoeducation–learning what’s normal for a couple in a repartnership with kids of any age, what dynamics are typical. One of the most common is putting the partnership last on the list of priorities as we put out fires with stepkinder and uncooperative exes.
Two great guest posts, one by Mary Kelly Williams, MA of www.marriedwithbaggage.com, and one by Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling, illuminate why your couple bond is so important, and steps to take to keep it thriving.
Here’s Mary on “Finding Love in a Crowd”:
And Susan’s piece called “What Were You Thinking?!”
Have a read (have two!)….and leave a comment.
Tags: couple therapy, divorce, marriage, marriedwithbaggage.com, Mary Kelly-Williams, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepcouple, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, Susan Wisdom, wednesday martin
March 23rd, 2010 at 1:10 pm
In regard to Mary’s column: our partnership was quite crowded, with six stepchildren, some of whom were always in permanent residence (until the last one went to college two years ago). So for the first eight years of our relationship, it was hard to find “quiet time,” for ourselves. We also lived in a very small house, with one bathroom. And the first year, there was a teenager with a drug and alcohol problem, as in your example.
It was often very hard to get my partner to focus on talking about anything. He is easily distracted by cell phones, computers, kids, etc. I found that the only way we could spend quality time together was to go on a walk outside, or better, to go to the beach, away from town. The drive there and back, and the time on the beach, were often very healing to our relationship, even if we talked about problems with the kids. Road trips were good too.
Mary is also right that it’s frequently a good idea to declare a moratorium on talk about the kids. In our case there were six, some of them quite troubled and trouble-making, and we could easily spend all our time trouble-shooting their issues, even when we had almost no control over their issues or behavior. In January of this year, I did declare a moratorium on talk about the kids and their problems. I wanted to stop talking about them until spring break. Now spring break is here, and I still don’t want to talk about them! We have been happier since we stopped talking about them. (What brought me to this decision was a health crisis in my own family. My sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor, yet the night before I flew to DC to be with her for her surgery, I stayed up all night worrying about whether my stepdaughter would attack me! Crazy.)
But in order to declare this moratorium on talk, I also had to get my partner to agree that I didn’t have to spend time with the stepdaughter during the moratorium on talk about her. He agreed to this. So, I don’t know if you could really stop talking about a problem child if the child is still wreaking havoc in your life. I had to get her out of my life for a while (she’s 25) in order to stop talking about her.
When the kids were younger and living at home, my strategy had to be a bit different. For example, the drug-addicted teen: your example of a “good” conversation with a man about such a situation, where he acknowledges the problem and how much trouble it’s causing, never existed in my world. My partner was in deep denial about his daughter’s addiction. (He recognizes NOW how serious it was, but it took some serious life-threatening behavior on her part for him to wake up to it, years later.) I think sometimes that men, even fathers, are not as in touch with kids’ reality and emotions as women are, even if we are “just” their stepmothers. I was aware that there was something wrong, but I didn’t know how bad it was until RC (the stepdaughter) told her AA group, in her family’s presence, that she had been snorting coke in our (one) bathroom regularly, as well as drinking heavily every night and going home from bars with men she didn’t know.
Anyway, she behaved badly enough, for long enough, that I made her an ultimatum: she could do her part around the house and tone down her party lifestyle, or she could move out. She was 19 at the time. She moved out six months later. I doubt her father would have ever made this demand of her. So I guess I’m saying, sometimes if your man won’t deal with it, you just have to deal with it alone. In the end she went to rehab, and then into the Navy, and now she’s getting married to a nice guy. I like to think that I helped, somewhere along the way, but I”m not waiting for any thanks.
March 23rd, 2010 at 3:31 pm
I am still a newlywed (8 months in). I started my marriage with a fierce commitment to my relationship with my husband and I have stuck to it. My marriage is my No. 1 priority. Nothing comes between me and my husband — because I refuse to let it. If something threatens to wedge itself between us, it renews my focus and commitment to the marriage. Everything else takes a backseat.
Here’s a perfect example: There was one morning I was trying to kiss my husband goodbye before I left for work. He interrupted me and told me to say goodbye to my stepson. I stopped him in that moment and clearly told him how important it is that I connect with HIM first and foremost, and that my relationship with my stepson is mine to manage, not my husband’s. (I always do say goodbye to my stepkids, for the record.)
Sometimes, it actually causes pain and discomfort to be so couple-focused. Sometimes, it would be easier to focus on the kids or to give in to the kids’ mom on schedule craziness. I know in my heart, though, that my boundaries around my marriage will help us sustain through the hard times. We have a bubble that is reserved for just the two of us and nobody — and I mean nobody — is invited into that space.
My husband has actually thanked me for my devotion to and protection of our couple space. He’s starting to protect that boundary more and more, and we really feel like a solid team.
March 23rd, 2010 at 5:28 pm
yes you are reading my mind. he won’t even hold my HAND when they visit! and like you say in your book, when he does that he’s communicating to them, “yep, you’re right, it IS a competition between you and your stepmom. and my being with her is such a bad thing, I’m not even going to let you see that I love her.” grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. it is time for a nice, calm talk about this and I’m going to use your communication formulas in your book. I’ve been burying it but it’s time to discuss it and I will stay calm tho it aggravates me hugely! thanks!
March 24th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
I’m always torn about this PDA issue (public displays of affection). Like, maybe it’s reasonable to not be TOO lovey-dovey when kids are around? OTOH, they need to get real and face facts.
(Some kids go “eewww” even when their biological parents kiss or whatever, so maybe it’s not a step problem exclusively. Just the idea of “old people” having sex or even just being romantic seems to gross out kids of a certain age, mainly middle school.)
It’s reasonable to assume that kids might worry that their dad’s new love will eclipse them for a while, or even permanently. I seem to remember that when my stepkids were little, we kind of refrained from kissing or holding hands when they were around. This didn’t bother me too much. After all, they saw us going to bed every night together and heard us laughing together in our bedroom, so it’s not like we were hiding the fact that we were “together.”
March 24th, 2010 at 9:56 pm
I cannot believe, Da Wiznitch, about the six stepkids. Truly astounding that you and your partner made it through all the phases, drama, and more. That explains the seasoned timbre of your voice on here, lady, and the sense of calm one gets from you–you survived!
Maya’s dilemma is one I’ve heard spoken about many times, and mentioned practically every time I get into a room with a stepmother or two or more. I think there’s nothing wrong with hand holding and even kissing in front of the kids–it’s not like we’re talking about lap dances! It’s good for the kids to see that, post-divorce, there can be happy, affectionate relationships. And I think too many men who divorce and repartner are big fraidy cats when it comes to showing their kids, Yes, I LOVE my wife. They act like that’s going to rock the kids’ world. Au contraire, knowing the relationship is solid and affectionate helps the kids feel secure.
So true that at a certain age they find grown up affection and any intimation of sex between parent and partner utterly, horrifyingly repulsive. Is there a way we can all unite to use this to our collective grown-up advantage? ; )
March 24th, 2010 at 9:57 pm
AJ,
I’m imagining how great it will feel and be for you when your husband is at the place you are about protecting and prioritizing your marriage. A happy story. Thanks for reading and commenting.
xx wednesday
March 27th, 2010 at 10:09 am
This is a big issue for me. I am making progress because I am working on not taking things personally, but I feel like I am living a double life (at least double, sometimes triple). When it is just me and my husband we laugh and love a lot. When we have the boys his whole focus is on them and I feel I am expected to become support for them. I feel ignored, under appreciated, taken for granted. Then the boys leave and it takes me a while to warm back up to my husband. I need to find a way to keep our relationship loving and attentive (without seeming needy) when we have the boys so that this cycle changes. I love having the boys around but I wish my husband would pay more attention to me when we do.
March 29th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Putting the marriage first set boundaries and communicates order. In what situation does a child EVER have more power than the adults than in a blended family with problems?
Children expect adults in their lives to set the tone and the rules. And even though they resent it, it makes them feels safe and secure. I lived as child in a blended family where my step brothers had a lot of control. My mom was miserable, which meant I was miserble. She did not get the support she needed from Step dad #1. Which probably explains why there is now a step dad #2.
April 1st, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Great comment about power in stepfamilies. Unfortunately kids in stepfamilies have too much power because the adults have too little. The adults are on shaky ground. They don’t know the kids, don’t know their position and role with them, and they’re unclear about whether they’re in or out. This is when the kids take over and eat their stepparents’ lunch. It happens. Over time as trust and familiarity builds, the stepparents earn power, respect and position…we hope. Then kids can be kids again and feel secure.
Susan Wisdom