Sadomasochistic Reenactments: Are You Trapped In One?
Stepmothers frequently find themselves on the wrong side of power. Some may be trapped in a sadomasochistic reenactment.
You might know from reading my blog and/or my book that I tend to look to sociology, human behavioral ecology, history, and even literary theory when I’m trying to explain what happens in stepfamilies and why women with stepkids think, feel, and act the way we do. I don’t think psychology alone can adequately explain our culture’s deep suspicion of and antipathy toward stepmothers. And I don’t believe that we can “fix” a stepmother’s situation by exploring her feelings in isolation, or focusing on what she alone is bringing to the table. Stepfamily systems are complex, everyone plays a role in the difficulty that often reigns, and too often, a stepmother who is demonized by the kids and her husband or partner as “the problem” feels herself further demonized by therapy that focuses on “her issues,” as if those issues are not linked to actual dysfunction within the couple and stepfamily.
My friend and colleague Stephanie Newman, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, has helped numerous women in difficult step situations over the years–including me–by asking why we might give and give without reciprocity, or choose situations that are ungratifying and then feel compelled, at some level, to simply endure them. And more than once, Dr. Newman has helped an adult stepchild re-think “what happened” with stepmom. For example, she tells us, a stepchild who talks about an envious, unkind stepmother is often projecting his or her own disavowed feelings of jealousy and anger about being displaced onto a convenient target–Dad’s Wife.
Most recently, Stephanie Newman has been thinking, writing, and lecturing about women trapped in sadomasochistic reenactments–patterns of self-sabotage rooted in early childhood experience. Yes, she tells us, these patterns can be reversed. As I read more and more emails from women with stepkids trapped in psychologically unhealthy situations where they sacrifice endlessly or fail again and again to assert themselves in healthy ways in their partnership and household, I wonder how many of us may be unconsciously repeating early childhood patterns that are destructive to us. Stephanie’s work is always smart and accessible. Have a look at her recent guest post for my Stepmonster blog on Psychology Today…and leave a comment!
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, sadomasochistic reenactment, stepfamily, Stephanie Newman, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
April 21st, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Hi Wednesday,
I Loved the article
As a side note, I was told by someone that if I didn’t get right with me, I would end up in another toxic relationship the same as i had with my ex-husband or worse.
Ha! I said. “who me?”
I was determined to NOT repeat the same mistakes. I was determined to NOT date someone like my ex-husband (who was diagnosed with Narcississtic Personality Disorder). I had a list of tho shall nots…written down…memorized…plastered on my bathroom mirror.
Guess what? I started dating men just like my ex-husband. And some of them were even WORSE. Obviously, I’m a slow learner…and then by the grace of God,I had my light bulb moment.
And I had to get to the root of my negative pattern of behavior.
Long story short: I fixed all of it. I uncovered every stone I possibly could. I went splunking inside my own self. And discovered that if I wanted to have the love in my life that I so wanted, I had to become that love. If I wanted a man with integrity, I had to become a person with integrity. And if I wanted to be in a healthy, romantic, passionate long term relationship, then I had to have one with myself first (no, I’m not weird). Six weeks after I wrote down what I wanted (not what I didn’t want), who found me? The love of my life.
And he came with four kids.
Peggy
April 21st, 2010 at 3:26 pm
I thought that article blamed the victim: again. Let’s face it: there are a lot of unethical people out there with serious character disorders. There may be a few neurotic women who are attracted to men with character disorders, but I think most women are not sick masochists. It’s just that patriarchy wants to treat women in sadistic ways. You can tell women to go look elsewhere to find a “good” man, but all men have been trained in patriarchy’s sadism. You can say that women are re-enacting childhood traumas, but that’s a blaming-the-victim way of saying something that could be said in a truer way: that patriarchy and domination systems were around when you were a kid, and they’re still here.
It may take a while to figure out that the “nice” man you married is engaged in repeated covertly aggressive acts toward you. On the one hand, you want to forgive mistakes and hope it won’t happen again. If you dump every man who is sadistic even once, you won’t be able to live with any man for more than a few months. On the other hand, you don’t want some internet psychologist to accuse you of masochism. What’s a girl to do?
Maybe you should just say that women should not live with men and be done with it.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:42 pm
This really rang true with me. I am sure that a lifetime of playing second fiddle to a referred sibling left me angry and powerless. I love my husband, after a disastrous first marriage and other unhealthy relationships, yet my position as a stepmother has made me see that the unhealthy patterns continue in how I am treated by my stepchildren. My husband is beginning to see that my demonisation does noone any good and yet it’s me that will be seeking counselling, I’m afraid I’ll be seen as the problem. Most of your posts are by the stepmothers of divorce, it seems. I married a widower. Bereaved children are very tricky to deal with. They retreat into a sort of moral high ground that I can’t reach. Boy, do I need help.
April 21st, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Attitudes, whether in blending families or not, are always a projection of who we are. But as we age, we are able to control which of who are deep inside can be beneficial to the success of our family. So the possibility of repeated mistakes is always there. That is why it is a constant challenge and struggle to make the relationship work and have a peaceful household.
April 22nd, 2010 at 5:33 am
It’s worth remembering that our partners may also be trapped in some destructive patterns of behaviour. It’s rare that one side is solely responsible for the breakdown of a marriage, and your partner may be bringing to the new relationship (with you) some of the same issues or personality traits that contributed to the breakdown of the previous relationship. And then sometimes the ex-wife, or the difficult stepkids, become a “convenient target” to displace blame for some of things that are not right between the two of you. My partner used to blame his ex-wife for just about everything. It took some reading between the lines, and daring to ask him to confront some aspects of his own personality, to move things forward between us.
April 22nd, 2010 at 10:05 am
Too often it’s the stepmother who feels compelled to or is asked to “change” or “work on herself” for the sake of her marriage and her husband’s kids, as if she is the problem. Ridiculous. Yet women with stepkids are endlessly accommodating when there is family and martial pathology, in my experience. Why is that? After you have a good look at the dynamics of stepfamily life and get a lay of the land with respect to that, AFTER you do that, then neglecting her personal history makes no more sense than focusing on ONLY her personal history in figuring out why she is mired in a situation in which she is on the wrong side of power again and again. The circumstances of stepmother reality are challenging. But when I hear from a woman with stepkids who sacrifices and fails to assert herself continually, for years on end, I have to wonder whether it would help her to ask, What am I getting out of this dynamic? Is it familiar in some way, even though I hate it? Is suffering a deep part of my psychological makeup due to my formative experiences in a family or watching a couple? I think the intersection of social and cultural circumstances with personal ones is the place many women with stepkids might find some answers, some peace, and some relief. Thanks to Dr. Newman for her article, and thanks to you all for reading and commenting. xx wednesday
April 22nd, 2010 at 10:09 am
Dear Nelly,
You are absolutely correct, if it is any consolation, in your sense that kids who’ve lost a mother may be the most difficult stepkids at all. After all, you’re competing with someone who’s been canonized as a saint in their minds. They’re not remembering any of her flaws or failings–because that would feel disloyal. They focus on how perfect she was, and focusing on how IMPERFECT you are makes them feel loyal to her.
Your only option here is to STOP trying to win the love and approval of your stepchildren and re-focus your energy on your happiness, your friendships, and your parntership. Stop trying to win his kids over. The more you try, the more they’ll resent you and you’ll resent them. I hope your counsellor will help you come up with some strategies in this regard. Please stay in touch and give us an update. Good luck.
xx wednesday
April 22nd, 2010 at 10:18 am
Wednesday,
I love what you said in response to Nelly. I had to stop trying to win the approval of my stepchildren. (I knew they would never love me, so I didn’t even try). I was continually banging my head against the wall and finally realized it hurt! (slow learner!)
I am now trying to put the efforts and energy into something more productive and something I could control – ME! The only problem I have found is it is very very hard to live in a house for a week with children who ignore you and whom honestly, you just don’t like. I find myself leaving the property because they don’t and honestly, I am resentful.
April 22nd, 2010 at 10:48 am
Talia,
Of course you are resentful. Your husband wouldn’t tolerate that behavior from strangers and needs to make it clear to his children, immediately, that they don’t have to love you, or even to like you, but they are NOT allowed to treat you like a piece of furniture because it is disrespectful, bad manners, and simply against the rules. He can simply tell them they are to say hello, please and thank you, and acknowledge you when you walk in the room. That’s ALL they have to do. No warmth, no love, no like, even. Depending on their ages he can tell them if they can’t do it, they can’t come over. Or, they can stay in their rooms until they’re able to be civil.
If you say it in a certain way, this request can seem very reasonable indeed. Because it is. Good luck! xx wednesday
April 22nd, 2010 at 11:12 am
Ok, I’ll tell you about one of my most stepmartyr-ish moments. My partner planned a birthday party for his daughter and for me, since our birthdays are close together. It was at a restaurant. We had done it the year before and it went well.
A few days before the party, the daughter (who was newly engaged) said she was going to bring “a few friends.” My partner said ok.
She brought about twenty friends, who all brought presents for her. The cake was for her too. My partner asked me to take it to her and set it down in front of her. Then everybody sang happy birthday…to her.
Meanwhile my partner’s son called one of the other daughters on her cell phone and announced that he was moving back to our city. He was the son who had threatened to kill me. So at my birthday party, I was completely ignored, shoved aside, made to wait on the other birthday girl, and informed that a guy who wanted to kill me was coming back to town.
During all this, did my partner ever step in and say, “Hey, this is Shannon’s birthday too”? No, he made me into the maid. He saw me stiffen when the news of his son’s return to the city came, but he said nothing then–or in the days afterwards–about how scared I must feel.
I was invited to a friend’s house that evening, for a real birthday party for me, so I left “my” other party. My partner did not go with me; he stayed at his daughter’s party.
The memory of that came back very painfully to me recently when my birthday rolled around again. Why did I go along with it? Why did I submit so quietly to this total erasure, exclusion, and humiliation?
I felt as if I didn’t have any choice. I could have made a big fuss at the party and ruined it for everybody, or stomped out in a huff. Instead I left politely, wishing everybody a nice evening. It wasn’t until days later that I told my partner how bad I felt about this whole event. He acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about. He claimed he had not realized that there was anything wrong with his daughter hijacking my birthday party (and making him pay for the whole thing, when he had originally expected three people, not 23 people.)
Is this masochism? Or is this just being gas-lighted? Or is my husband somehow interpersonally impaired? Or does he just spoil his twenty-something children rotten? I was plenty assertive about it later, and the next year, my partner took me to the beach for my birthday, and nobody else was invited. He got the message. But it still hurts, two years later, that he thought it was “normal” for his Bridezilla daughter to be the queen at a birthday party she was supposed to be sharing with me.
I think it’s too simple to say that women somehow “want” these painful events to happen because things like that also happened in their childhoods. Power relationships are complicated. I couldn’t easily confront my partner, my stepdaughter, her sisters and her death-threat-issuing soldier brother all at once. That would have been suicidal.
But I have confronted them one at a time later, even when it was dangerous, with virtually no support from my partner. And then let him know how disappointed I was in him for not supporting me. I am a warrior woman, doing the best I can in a misogynist situation. That’s life in patriarchy.
April 22nd, 2010 at 5:27 pm
For me it has been important to work on myself first and from a strong position I could then look around me and dare to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ about what was going on. When I was still enrolled in being the martyr and seeing everything through those tinted glasses I often was confused and had no idea how to act healthy.
Once I got to see the role I played and how that influenced my actions and my ability to find wholesome solutions it motivated me to work hard on myself first.
Now that I am strong and see things much clearer I am able to decide what I will tolerate and what I will not. I am able to communicate that calmly and clearly, I can set boundaries without all the unnecessary emotional turmoil and all that from becoming clear about myself first. I am even able to say “No more” and take action to support that.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:35 pm
I really have to echo Wilma on this. Once I learned that the man I had been married to was a cluster B personality disordered type (we were going through our divorce), the hardest thing I had to do was come clean with my role in the twisted co-dependent relationship. My birth mother was also a cluster B type personality disordered type and growing up, I was the “peacemaker.” That was my job as the oldest and only girl…to keep the peace at all costs.
These days I have no issues saying No to things I know I won’t tolerate. And I can do so calmly, coherently, and clearly. The choice to participate in other people’s drama is mine and mine alone to make. These days, I choose not to. This choice is what all the wise sages have been talking about for 5,000 years (or more!)
April 23rd, 2010 at 8:35 am
I have just finished re-reading a book called In Sheep’s Clothing by George Simon. I highly recommend it. In this book, Simon says that most of us spend too much time over-analyzing the “problems” of the people who are making us unhappy, assuming that they must have some deep insecurities themselves. In fact, most of these people are covert aggressives, and the “neurotic,” or overly conscientious, people (like ourselves) are easy marks for them.
He debunks much of the Freudian outlook on the human mind, which is where sadomasochism theory comes from, and says that it is really much simpler: that humans spend a lot of time fighting for position and power, that we don’t really want to admit that, and that many people fight unethically. These “sadists” that we are talking about may enjoy tormenting more vulnerable people, but it is not because they are neurotic: they are not neurotic enough in Simon’s view! We “neurotics” accept this treatment because we are too well acculturated as peacemakers. Is that masochism? or is that just civility? In any event, he suggests ways to “fight back” without losing your own ethical framework.
I think Simon’s book presents a much healthier and more common-sense way of dealing with abuse than the Freudian idea that we are “unconsciously” re-creating childhood abuse. (Not that early childhood training in being “nice” doesn’t enter into it.)
April 24th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
I’m late to the party…but very interesting article. I agree with some points -not all. The comments are just as interesting. The best for me was the opportunity to read and THINK HARD about the content. Thanks for making this happen.
April 25th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
In my situation my husband was a masochist reenacting his critical mother and abandoning father. His exwife and children sadistically yanked and continue to try to yank his chain to abtain power and status. When I married him he wanted me to be masochistic like him. This led to therapy, his realization of his own masochism, sllloooowwww change. My refusal to be masochistic has led to huge conflict that my DH has had to face or I will leave. I played along with this scenario until last summer, a year ago. Stepmonster changed my life, my marriage, and my outlook. My DH has quit playing the masochist despite stepkids, mothers, and exwives shenanigans. It’s been very eye opening and difficult for him. I hope for the best.
April 25th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Very interesting responses to a provocative and, for me, helpful piece. I’m all for looking at many different ways to reframe the conundrum of a woman with stepchildren who might feel, and be, “stuck.” I think the point of Stephanie Newman’s article is that this does not apply to all of us, but to women who find themselves again and again in self-sabotaging situations, whatever they may be.
Da Witznich, thanks for the book recommendation and your comments here. Always happy to hear your take on things and always appreciative of the energy and intelligence you bring here. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry over the “shared birthday” story–but I’m right there with you!
Peggy, inspiring to read of your personal experience/s–again. Thanks for reading and commenting. Saying ‘No’ might be the most important of all the tools in a stepmother’s toolbox.
Kes, thanks for reading and commenting. Oh, the changes can be soooooo slooooowwwwwww–and then they happen. Happy if the book helped.
Susan Wisdom will have a guest post up soon. So tune in for more of the Top Stepmother Concerns series.
xx wednesday
April 26th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
I can really relate to your comment, Talia. It is horrible to be ignored and I think that I’ve allowed that to happen because deep down I think that I deserved it somehow. My stepkids are bereaved, so they are used to being given a big benefit of the doubt around behaviour anyway. It’s really terrible not to exist, and that’s what ignoring says. It’s also difficult to pick up on – its easy to disguise. Just live with every sentence starting with “Dad…” and notice how you feel. It is very hard to like people who ignore you.
Wednesday, thanks for your advice. So far, my counsellor has suggested that I regain some control by saying “Ow” or something like it every time I am hurt. I am really going to stop working so hard and seeing what happens, being more neutral, somehow. I’ve just finished your book, and it’s brilliant. I would love to do more to help poor beleaguered stepmothers everywhere. I’d just like more on Stepmothers of bereaved children. I don’t have the birth mother screaming down the phone at me, but she’s never not there either. I’ve been married for nearly five years- so it isn’t early days, exactly. I was so banking on things being better by now.