Top Stepmother Concern: “His Ex is Making Our Lives Hell!”
It
When I asked about your top concerns as a woman with stepchildren, this one came up again and again: a partner’s ex who is angry, undermining, and intrusive. Bottom line: this behavior indicates first and foremost that she is unreconciled to her ex-husband’s repartnership. And you are a convenient target for her wrath. Now what?
1. Know what’s going on. Acting out (“Come do chores for me/the kids,” “Give me more money above and beyond the separation agreement,” “Take the kids whenever I say/whenever it suits me with no notice, or ELSE,” etc.) is a classic and sure sign of an emotionally incomplete divorce and poor boundaries. And if your partner is capitulating to these demands, whatever his rationalizations (“I don’t want the roof to leak on my kid’s head”; “If I don’t do what she says I’ll never see my daughter again,” etc) that, too is a sign of incomplete divorce and unhealthy boundaries (feelings of guilt and fear about what his ex might do are actually sometimes a way of staying connected to her, even when that’s the last thing he consciously wants to be). You guys need to sort this out yourselves, with you initiating a completely low-key, compassionate, and non-accusatory discussion about why it won’t do for you for him to continue to be at her beck and call. Be strategic and understanding! Look to the work of John Gottman or my book Stepmonster for communication strategies and formulas that will help you start a discussion that goes somewhere rather than devolving into recriminations. Suggest boundaries that you think would be healthy for your marriage and for his kids (they need to understand that the divorce is real and that dad will always love them even if he’s not the handyman anymore, regardless of what mom’s saying, for example). Ask your husband what he thinks would be good, healthy boundaries and rules. If you need a professional to help the two of you have this discussion, DO IT. Rendering a divorce emotionally complete is a crucial step to having a happy remarriage or repartnership with kids!
2. Ask yourself, Am I unwittingly and out of good intentions doing anything to antagonize my husband’s ex? You may have been fed a line of BS by our society that the only good stepmom is one who looks, acts and feels “just like a mother.” Well guess what, in a culture that thinks of motherhood as something one woman alone does all by herself, nothing could be more antagonistic or provocative to an ex-wife than a “maternal” stepmom. Acting like the kids’ mom will not only provoke her; it will exacerbate the kids’ loyalty binds as well. Regardless of what the kids seem to want, what your husband might hope you will do, and what you feel the kids need, know that when you act “just like a mommy” you are very likely going to set off fireworks. And that will not serve anyone. Lucky you, then. Don’t accept responsibility without authority. Never be a doormat in your own home, of course, but give yourself a break from feeling that you have to go to every parent-teacher conference or get super involved if it feels inauthentic. If a high degree of involvement feels like something you and the kids can accept, bear in mind that you will have to be diplomatic (for example, sharing your parenting opinions with your partner and having him pass them along as his idea rather than yours may keep their mother’s sense of be threatened to a minimum). Simply being what stepmother and marital and family therapist Mary Kelly-Williams calls an ally to your parnter’s kids might not just suit you better–it might go a way toward smoothing the relations between households.
3. If it’s not the case that you are inadvertently antagonizing your husband’s ex, all you can do is wait until she has less influence (when the kids are older, she can’t play custody and visitation games, make unreasonable demands about child support, etc.). In the meanwhile, you might also be able to turn her bad behavior into an inside joke between you and your spouse, or an opportunity to bond, rather than letting it continue to be a source of exasperation, stress, and anger. Try it: reframe your resentment (“I can’t believe I have to deal with this because I married a guy with baggage!”) and shoot for the following mantra: “Every time she acts like an angry nut, she makes us stronger as a couple.” You and your partner can say it to each other every time there’s an enraged voicemail message or unreasonable demand. You might also try saying, “Honey, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this person,” and this will likely prompt your husband or partner to feel understood, compassionate in turn, and perhaps even lead him to say the same to you. Feeling appreciated by a partner can help you weather the worst stresses and storms of stepfamily drama.
4. Understand it’s not your problem to fix. Studies like Dr. Mavis Hetherington’s 30-year Virginial Longitudinal Study and Constance Ahron’s 20-year longitudinal study found that, while there are exceptions, women are simply angrier for longer after a divorce, and behave in more intrusive ways than do ex-husbands. No amount of your reaching out can help an angry ex accept that she is, in fact, divorced and her ex has, in fact, moved on. This is internal work for her to do herself. All you can do is your internal work (“I don’t need to be liked by everyone. I don’t need her approval or need her to like me. I don’t need to prove to her and the rest of the world that she’s wrong about me, that she’s telling lies when she smears my rep.”; “Hopefully one day things will be easier with my parnter’s kids, but I don’t need their love and approval to be happy in my marriage. And it’s useless to pour my energy into winning them over if they’re in a loyalty bind. I need to focus on my mental and physical health and my parntership”)
5. Be wary of overtures of “friendship” from a conflicted ex-wife. There is now significant pressure on ex wives and wives to “get along” at all costs. Sure, it makes sense to keep the relationship as low-conflict as possible This is important for the well-being of everyone, and especially the kids. But increasing anecdotal evidence suggests that women who go beyond civility to “befriend” a husband’s ex may come to regret it, to feel pressured, stressed, entrapped, and more. If your husband’s ex wants to be friends she will do the most friendly thing she can: explicitly release her children from their loyalty bind by telling them to give you a chance, and that doing so will not hurt her in any way, that liking you is not disloyal to her. If she doesn’t take this step (and you’ll know she has or hasn’t by the way the kids behave around you), there is no point in pursuing a “friendship.” She can’t be badmouthing you to her kids out of one side of her mouth and asking you to have coffee out of the other.
So simply shoot for civility and grown up fairness, even when she’s playing dirty. You will never regret not getting down in the muck and mire with your husband’s ex. If you do fire off a nasty email or comment, give yourself a break (you’re only human) and tell yourself you’ll do better next time.
It will help to remind yourself that for some women who are ex wives, conflict is like oxygen to a fire, fueling rage and satisfying a need to engage. Your goal, then, is to deprive her fire of the conflict that fuels it. Then she will die down and subside. She really will. You’re not interesting if you are consistently flat, bland, and simply, flatly, blandly, consistent about your boundaries.
TELL ME ABOUT IT: HAS THERE BEEN CONFLICT BETWEEN YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND YOUR HUSBAND’S EX, AND HOW HAVE YOU HANDLED IT?
Tags: blended family, conflict with ex-wife, divorce, ex-wife, intrusive ex wife, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepchildren, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
April 26th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Hey Wednesday,
Yes constantly. I agree with what you wrote above, and will try to keep it in mind. However my question is – how do you handle/deal with – an ex – who constatnly puts you down the SM and your own child, to her kids, my stepkids. Then every visit it is all about defend, and repair the lies that they have been fed. The BM, is the one who is damaging her kids, and it is so sad. Hard to always be an ear and shoulder for them, as any support we give them, they tell their mom, as she prys it out of them, and then they feel like they have to tell her. She then tells them it is non of your SM’s buz, and you do not have to listen to her. We have never talked bad about their mom ever in front of them. We support their mom and her crazy decisions over and over and over. When the are hurt and mad at her, for her anger towards her kids and her verbal abuse and threats…they are really scare of her. We are their to help them through the pain. I am all over the map right now with my quesiton, however I think you get where I am going…please help. I did not ask for this to enter my life —- or did I -
April 26th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Hi Lisa,
Boy, you’re up against a lot here, and I understand why you are feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard not to feel invaded especially if she’s using the kids as spies or pumping them full of lies and hatred.
Here’s the good news–I have seen plenty of stepmoms and stepkids come through this with a good relationship, believe it or not! It’s just a question of withstanding the slings and arrows by always keeping that partnership strong. Never letting the ex or the kids split the husband/wife team. If your husband’s ex tries to undermine your authority in your household, or put down your kids, don’t take the bait. Your husband simply says, “Lisa’s the other grown up in charge in this house. No means stuff. You don’t have to love Lisa, or even like her. But she’s important to me, and you’re not allowed to treat her like a piece of furniture.” Period. That’s all he needs to say, and you are good to go.
Stop being an ear and a shoulder to them, since you asked. Let them come to you, be supportive but don’t let yourself get dragged into this drama. They’re confused. They need you and your husband–and your marriage needs for you and your husband–to model that you are a tight team, and that grown ups carry on and don’t let sticks and stones break their bones. I know it feels impossible sometimes, but keep up the good work, Lisa. You won’t regret it. Tell us how it goes.
xx wednesday
April 26th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
p.s. I would add don’t attempt to “defend and repair the lies she’s told.” Just shake your head and don’t engage and change the topic. Seriously. Let me know how it goes!
April 26th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
Lisa – I respectfully disagree with Wednesday about changing the topic when lies come up. Pick up a copy of Divorce Poison. Great resource to learn how to do it without going over the edge yourself. Ignoring BM’s behavior and bad-mouthing can wind up resulting in severe alienation. You and DH are the kids’ only chance to see appropriate behaviors and how to set boundaries. Be a role model for them and do not leave them with only her version of reality.
April 26th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
My partner’s ex-wife is a devout Catholic, powerful in the local diocese, an advisor to the bishop here. She has been divorced now for ten years, and she still wears her wedding ring and has wedding pictures from thirty years ago displayed prominently in her house. She believes that in the eyes of God, she is still married to my partner.
In her belief system, there is no divorce.
She has never attacked me directly to my face, but she refers to me as The Mistress, still, after all these years. As a result, so many bad things have happened that I could write a book about it. It would be a long book.
The loyalty bind her kids are in is intense. She did not care for them physically, and they came to our house frequently for meals, help with homework, money, tools, etc. Yet as Wednesday would have predicted, all the motherly things I did for these six neglected children were not appreciated, and I probably made things worse by being “nice.”
However, these children did at least have one clean, orderly home that they could bring friends to: our house. And they did get to see an adult relationship that was working reasonably well: ours. For some of them, I think that was a lifesaver.
My partner has allowed himself to be manipulated into very inappropriate behavior: when a huge hurricane came five years ago, we had to evacuate her as well as ourselves. I never understood why. I remember waiting outside her house early in the morning as a monster hurricane barreled toward our city and the escape routes filled up with millions of cars, while she dithered back and forth between the car and the house. Also we had to give her half the plywood we had bought for her windows, plywood I had gotten up at four in the morning to go shopping for, when there were only a few sheets left in the whole city. Again, why I don’t know. I guess we were trying to be “nice.” Really I think my partner just felt guilty.
A year or so ago, she was about to lose her house because she didn’t pay her property taxes for years and years (the house she got in the divorce settlement). Her daughters bailed her out: one of them got a credit card and got thousands of dollars in cash for her, to save her house. Then guess what: that daughter asked Daddy to pay off the credit card bill. And he did. He didn’t see it as bailing his ex-wife out of financial irresponsibility: rather, he was helping his daughter. Makes no sense.
The children are adults now, and the brainwashing they underwent as children and teens is still pretty powerful, to the point that just the other day, my partner found it impossible to mention to them that it was my birthday and that was why we went out. I guess he thinks it would offend them that he’s doing something nice for me for my birthday, rather than for them or their mom. In fact, one of the daughters once got enraged because we had a dinner party for some friends at Thanksgiving. “YOu should be cooking for your KIDS!” she yelled. I think these adult child outbursts have their roots in their mother’s propaganda years ago: she told them that their father had abandoned the family and left them penniless, etc. (For the record he paid his child support scrupulously on time, and she got a portion of every extra fee he earned.)
As the kids have grown into adults, they have seen a few of her manipulations for what they are. They know now, intellectually if not emotionally, that they were not “abandoned” or left in poverty. They know that their mother feigned serious illness for years (accusatory suffering). They know she can’t handle money at all; that she is bipolar; and that she’s addicted to prescription drugs. Some of them have even said that they understand why their father had to get divorced from her.
But they still treat me like…there’s something deeply sinful and morally offensive about me. It’s really, really hurts sometimes. And my partner sometimes acts as if he agrees with them. And that’s almost unbearable.
I have been an ex-wife myself, and I know it’s possible to be a nice one. I was glad my son got along with his step-mom, and while I listened to his complaints about her, I never added any of my own. I am proud of that.
April 26th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
This article packs so much wisdom into it, every stepmother should copy and memorize it. Recently at my Stepmonster support group, I asked the women who had children themselves and married a man with children, how they felt about the thought of their ex-husband’s wife (if he had one) trying to parent her children. They all expressed feeling absolutely sick to their stomachs at the thought of anyone other than them trying to mother their children. Yet, these same women were having to admit that they were also trying to play part-time mother to their husband’s children because, after all, they were “stepmothers”. The language is so problematic. Why is it so difficult to just be called our husband’s wife? Psychologically, the language could become powerful enough to help us all disentangle ourselves from a role that is a set up from the time we say, “I do.”
I’m glad you brought up the parent-teacher conference. I have seen more angst and arguments between couples when it comes to these conferences. Mom shows up to hear about Johnny’s progress and has to deal with the tension of the presence of the new wife…the husband is between a rock and a hard place, and the kid is just plain uncomfortable. And for what end? To make some kind of a stand that being the stepmother means being a mother of some sort? I actually read a piece somewhere where the new stepmother was annoyed that Mom showed up for the parent teacher conference! Wednesday’s advice is spot on. And despite a husband wanting his wife to come with him to the conference (which is why most stepmothers go), he’s an adult and can go alone. Oh the things we women do while holding our husband’s hands!
April 26th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Dragon,
Point taken–depending. If the ex is telling lies about child support for example, and the kids say, “Mommy says she doesn’t have any money because daddy doesn’t pay her,” dad should set the kids straight in a neutral, flat, and fair way, about what the facts are. And then move on. But if it’s stuff more along the lines of, “My mommy says you’re a poopyhead and your kids are dumb,” there’s no point in engaging in any way, period. Even if she says, “I don’t say bad things about your mother and wish she wouldn’t say bad things about me,” stepmom is setting herself up as the bad guy, villain and target. Of course, there are times when you just can’t hold your tongue. We’re only human.
April 26th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
It is so hard being a stepmom. I have an 8 yr old stepdaughter, and husband and I have have a daughter together. In my case, my husband was never married to my stepdaughter’s mom, she was conceived @ a party when they were both drunk. My husband was drunk a lot at that time due to his first wife dying. She tells everyone they were in love going to be married and everything else. This was never the case according to my husband. According to her she has a ring and letters from him. He says he never gave her a ring. It bothers me, b/c I don’t want to find out later on that my marriage was all lies. My stepdaughter lives w/ushe is custodial parent and she is non custodial parent. She still control our lives. It is hard to listen to my stepdaughter when she complains about going to her moms or when you can tell she has been manipulating her. It has been hard on our marriage. It all bothers me. I sometimes feel like I was not cut out to be a stepmom. I don’t deal very well w/it. And my marriage is suffering. HELP!
April 26th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
Oh Wednesday,
Thank you for being willing to tackle the ugly side of stepmotherhood.
Lisa, your BM sounds very similar to ours in terms of the constant bad-mouthing (from their father, to me, to their baby half-sister, to their paternal grandmother) and sharing of too much information (at 6 and 4, they knew way too many details about the divorce and whacked view of the legal system). We are absolutely talking about an emotionally incomplete divorce. She’s nice to DH when she needs something done or when she’s inbetween boyfriends. DH relishes those moments of seemingly getting along while simulatenously whincing and waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it always does.
I’ve never tried to be “maternal” stepmother, so there’s no threat there to BMs power or position. Honestly, when they’re here, it’s more like I’m the hostess with poorly behaved children over for a play date. By poorly behaved I mean children that tell me things like “My mommy hates you”, “My mommy says you stoled my daddy away”, “My mommy says your baby should have never been born” while simulateneously carving pencils into my dining room table or shoving furniture at me. I’ve made it clear that they have a mommy and it’s NOT me.
You’d think that BM would be happy that I have no intention of mothering her children, but that I do care for them and desire to have a relationship with them at some point, when they are ready (and I am quite aware that may never happen). Instead, BM calls me every racial slur in the book (and has done so in front of my kids), uses the “N” word to refer to my daughter with my current husband, and continues to call me a “wild psycho whore” to whoever will listen. It used to really bother me, but I finally came to realization this year that I feel sorry for her. DH handles her behavior as best he can (he dealt with it for many years) and it’s come to the point that we just talk about her behavior, shake our heads and then brainstorm as to how we can best help the kids. What comes up every time is that we need to show the kids what a strong relationship looks like, what unconditional love looks like and how to establish healthy boundaries. I love the mantra: “Every time she acts like an angry nut, she makes us stronger as a couple.” In fact, I’ve been saying something silmilar to that for 4 years. BM doesn’t realize that everytime she acts out, she cements us together as a couple (which is the example we want for the kids) and she looks unreasonable and oh so bitter in front of her children. After 4 years, the cycles of craziness have become easier and easier to predict and we’ve come up with a game plan of sorts for dealing with the madness. My only hope is that in the end, the kids will “get it”. Ironically enough, she says the same thing.
When we first got together, I had these great notions of a “blended family”. Not so much anymore. I know what I’ve got to work with now, and we’ll just do the best with what we have and try to raise loving, reasonable kids.
April 27th, 2010 at 8:22 am
Amber,
Yes, it is very hard, and depending on circumstances, it can feel impossible at times to do the right thing as a woman with stepkids. You’re not alone in your sense that you’re “not doing well with it.” The majority of women with stepkids feel the same way! You are describing two different issues here: not feeling on solid footing in your partnership, and feeling/being undermined by an angry ex-wife. Once the first problem is resolved, once your marriage feels strong and secure, the issues with your husband’s ex will likely begin to feel more like an annoyance than a crisis. I recommend taking steps, then, to strengthen your marriage, including counseling with someone qualified (you can check the National Stepfamily Resource Center website to find a professional who understands the dynamics of a remarriage with children in your area. Good luck! xx wednesday
April 27th, 2010 at 11:31 am
It use to be really bad in the beginning. First off she did the whole parent alienation thing to my husband. Asked for money for a dental bill that we found out was never as much as she said it was…She would show up 45 minutes late to dropping/picking up her son..it was bad…I had to send some emails over the years to let her know she was rude and inconsiderate and that ALL finances go through me because she was taking advantage of my husband…I told her that my husband pays child support faithfully and takes his son when he can and he deserves more respect than this….But in the beginning it was a crisis, now it’s just like oh my gosh again? really? how funny! We just laugh it off and I expect the worse from her so I can never be let down…That’s how we deal with it…Her trying to cause rifts in our home and her rudeness has made my husband and I stronger!
April 27th, 2010 at 11:56 am
We read a couple of books about parental alienation syndrome, and that helped us realize what was going on in the kids’ other household. My partner had had no idea that his ex-wife could be telling the kids such blatant lies. But there were clues all along that some powerful propaganda was causing some of them to reject him completely, and it was causing all of them to see me as “the cause of all the trouble.”
I think understanding parental alienation, and having a word for it, can be helpful. Knowing it is going on, and knowing what to do about it, however, are two different things. Nothing we did to counter-act the alienation–once we realized it was going on–seemed to do any good. The kids’ mother was like God to them, and their father was totally discredited. (I think part of this was the fact that he was not a Catholic.) My partner is a gentleman and would never directly bad-mouth the kids’ mother, and I supported that, but I think he should have been more forceful in setting kids straight, early on, about the real situation: i.e. point out that they were not “abandoned,” as he was just a few blocks from their mother’s house, nor were they impoverished: they were still attending private schools and appeared to be well-fed.
As the kids got older and became adults, some of the falsehoods came to light, but the damage to their relationship with their dad has been less easy to heal.
April 27th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Nikole,
Ahhhh, an ex wife who lies about medical bills/bills/you name it in order to extract extra money from her ex-husband, reasoning that she has every right to “because he owes me”–so many women have told me that they are dealing with this. Unfortunately these women are ruining their children, who internalize the lessons, “Daddy’s an ATM, not a person,” and “Daddy owes us.” The kids also likely start to reason, when Daddy allows himself to be pushed around and bled financially, that he is doing so because he really IS guilty of having done something awful. Well, brava to you and your husband for finding a way to put a stop to it. It’s really true that coming up with a strategy to deal with a vindictive ex and supporting one another can strengthen the couple. Thank goodness you and your husband have a good sense of humor! Come back soon.
Da Wiznitch,
Religion, too! You were/are dealing with a potent brew here and you have all my respect for coming through it intact. I share your sense that it is helpful that we now have a term for the most unhinged and vindictive behaviors exes sometimes resort to–parental alienation–and also share your sense that it is more difficult to know what to do about it. When there is an outlandish lie, I am all for simply, flatly setting the record straight–”I have paid all the money I am supposed to pay to Mom, and additional money as well so that you wouldn’t have to go without. That is the truth, and I want you to know it because you are my child and I want you to know that I am serious about taking care of you”–but the more subtle, insidious forms of influence mothers sometimes exercise post-divorce is hard to counter. My personal take on this, having reviewed the sociological literature and particularly the work of Linda Nielsen and Stephanie Coontz, is that in our culture women who are mothers are basically socially programmed to lose it when they divorce and their husbands repartner due to our very exclusive and exclusionary paradigm of what mothering is. A stepmother becomes tremendously, practically unspeakably threatening, and the mother’s sense of injury absolutely massive. Well Da W, you are certainly dealing admirably with the hand you’ve been dealt.
BioStep,
Glad the mantra helps. Stick with it. Hang tough and you will persevere. Especially because you are getting real about the expectation that you’re supposed to “blend” this particular mix. Not going to happen, and not your fault or problem. I so agree with you that modeling a healthy marriage is the best thing for you guys–and his kids.
Mary thanks for reading always! xx wednesday
April 27th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Wednesday: Which Stephanie Coontz book are you referring to? I read The Way We Never Were and Marriage: A History. Is there another one I should read?
One weird thing about this resentment of the stepmom is: my partner’s ex wife didn’t appear to WANT to do any actual mothering of her six kids herself: or much of anything, once she got home from the bishop’s office. You would think she’d appreciate all the meals I cooked for them. (Probably she did see some practical advantages to me feeding her kids, but she would never want the kids to know that.)
I can understand how the over-involved, yuppie, helicopter moms would be really threatened by other women horning in on their turf. But there seem to be a good number of moms who don’t want to do any “mom” work, but deeply resent a stepmom who is willing to do it. Maybe they secretly like it that the stepmom is doing all this work, but they have other, covert-aggressive reasons for bad-mouthing her and turning the kids against her.
I think some moms who don’t really enjoy being moms are kind of aware that they are not very “good” at it, and so they feel guilty and unworthy, and they’re afraid the kids will “love” the stepmom more. One of my friends who got divorced kept saying, “They love me, not Susan.” Her children were all adults at the time of the divorce, all living away from home, and no longer in need of any mothering, yet she was terrified the kids would transfer their affection from her to their dad’s new girlfriend! She vilified Susan to her kids and insisted that Susan was a b*#@% and a w%$$# because she and the dad started dating “before the divorce was final”! (My friend had been the one to initiate the divorce, so it wasn’t like Susan “stole” her husband!)
It made no sense. I assured her over and over that her kids would always love her and think of her as their mom, and that Susan was no threat to her, but she didn’t buy it. She was terribly insecure it seemed to me, and more than a little out of touch with reality.
Maybe the problem is that all women are expected to love being mothers and to pour their hearts and souls into it. But many women find they don’t love being a parent, and they become sort of covert slackers, but they feel terrible about it, because it’s their main identity supposedly. Then if somebody else picks up the slack, somehow that’s like a validation of their fear that they are “bad” at mothering. And that makes them really mad!
April 27th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
When kids repeat put-downs that their mom initially said, couldn’t that fall under the category of the kids not respecting the stepmom? They have no control over what their mom says, but they certainly have control over what they say. What about saying something like, “That is a put-down, and we don’t say or repeat put-downs in this house,” and leave it at that? (Without saying anything specifically critical of the mom.)
If their mom said something really derogatory about another kid in their child’s class and the child repeated it to the other kid, I doubt the teacher would just tolerate it because of not wanting to make the parent look bad to the child. I bet the teacher would say something like, “That’s a put down and we don’t say put downs in this class. Your mom isn’t in my class, but you are, and you are not to say a put down to another kid.”
April 27th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Hi Jill,
Good point. And worth a try. Though here’s an important thing to remember about taking a step like this: a stepmom is not a teacher. That is to say, teachers are not villain-ized in the same way stepmom is. They are respected authority figures, in general, and are also generally trusted. A stepmother’s position is infinitely more precarious when there is a vindictive or angry ex-wife in the picture filling the kids’ minds with lies and poison. Yes, a woman with stepkids must be respected in her own home by her stepkids and her parnter, otherwise it is no partnership. But the oddest things can set her up for failure, or “prove” to the kids that she’s “really as bad as mom says.” Sadly, something to think about. Thanks as ever for reading and commenting. xx wednesday
April 27th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
That’s a good point. I think dad would have to set the tone on this, as part of the “you don’t have to love my wife, but you do have to respect her” approach.
April 27th, 2010 at 8:08 pm
I wish we can always “move on” and have the “it’s not my problem to fix” attitude so easily. But when their is antagonism from the ex, all hell breaks lose and everybody, especially the children are affected. An open communication is still best. Although not all parties are willing to be in it, but I believe that eventually all things will be patched up. And respect of course.
April 28th, 2010 at 4:05 am
I can’t believe what a relief it is to find you all !! I have a 12 yo bio son (2) SKS: ages 6 & 8 and my DH & I have a son together, he’s 2.6!! My 12 yo has the greatest stepmom!! I have always had a good relationship with her and thank God that he has someone who loves him so much!! My DH & I get along so well with his dad and SM…..I just assumed I would have the same type of relationship with my husband’s ex…I could not have been more wrong!!!! Coming up on four years of marriage, ( do the math…I walked into this changing diapers!!!) and we still have issues that are so juevenile, but seem like they’re “stealing” my life. I can relate to the women who feel like their DH goes out of his way for BM. Quite frankly, I’ve tried to take a stand. I’m responsible for my own happiness & well being & that of my two bio babies. I’ve tried to make this a priority. However, my husband is an excellent man, and I feel like I’m doing this “to him”. I see how it hurts him when I “disengage”….that is the last thing I want. BTW: BM is so crazy beyond belief, I actually have started a book! Will be interesting to see how many times she will bad mouth us through the poor kids!! I’m living by these three words: peace, joy & righteousness.
April 28th, 2010 at 11:49 am
I wonder if we could sum up the biggest, deepest work of being a stepmother with:
1. Learn to like and love yourself.
2. Learn to not use someone else’s opinion as your standard for yourself.
There are probably 10 other really deep lessons, but as I look back, I can see that as I’ve shifted my need for approval, my desire to belong, and my deep, deep middle-child urge to fix things, my life has miraculously improved. And, I mean miraculously. I began blogging in December and it was like a fog lifted. I have a voice. I am a person with an opinion. I don’t care who reads it, but I get to let my thoughts out, not as a complaint, but as a call for social change. I’m not saying the problems are all mine, that’s never true that you can pin it all on a stepmother. As Wednesday says stepfamily problems need to begin with psycho-education. Safe to say ours is a classic stepfamily with classic unresolved family drama.
I am saying that I am more comfortable when my feelings can be expressed and when I don’t perceive myself as invisible. I have given myself permission to control how I sit at the family table. Once I quit trying to influence what others have thought of me, I’ve fully claimed my place in my relationship and in my life.
April 28th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Kim: you said a lot that resonates with me.
As of a few days ago, when an attempt to connect with one of the stepdaughters by giving her a birthday present backfired, I gave up. I am no longer going to try to belong to that family. My own family and friends are enough.
I am too scared to write a blog for fear of more death threats, but I hear you: writing publicly about these things, on this blog, anonymously, has been therapeutic for me too.
I agree that social change is the answer. Therapy might help some, but what really needs to change is the patriarchal attitude that if something’s wrong, cherchez la femme. And then beat her up.
And I hate being invisible too! It’s just that I no longer care if my partner’s kids don’t want to see me. It’s been twelve years, and I am tired of them making me unhappy. I don’t have to be unhappy just because they’re mean.
April 28th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Like yourself, love yourself, and let go……what a sense of calm comes when you no longer focus on the mother’s behaviors because of an emotionally incomplete divorce, unhealthy boundaries and the heart wrenching loyalty binds. Now I focus on my marriage, my work, my life pleasures and when a difficult “momma drama” comes about, which they always do, I remind myself am I reacting, responding, saying what is in the best interest of my marriage, of DH child(ren) or the misery “momma drama” makes for everyone (me, DH, children)? If it doesn’t pass the sniff test, it’s bait on the hook, DON’T bite, not even a nibble. Life is enjoyable, thanks Wednesday for helping to point us in the right direction of finding ourselves and our happiness again through your book.
April 28th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Wednesday the last section “5. Be wary of overtures of “friendship” from a conflicted ex-wife.” is exactly what I needed to read today, thank you! I have made the mistake of being too friendly with the ex-wife. She says she’s over him and then she’s telling him he’s “not being true to himself in being with me.” I need to set better boundaries with her. I need to read your book!
April 28th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
What I’ve always found so amazing is how many of us breathe this huge sigh of relief when we hear each others stories…”Whew! I’m not alone!” I’m also amazed at how many of us have extremely similar stories. BM recently threatened to sue me over my blog and tweets (I use initials, not names) and what I’d like to say to her is, “You’re NOT unique!! There are so many women out there that behave exactly like you do! What the hell is wrong with all of you???” She’s given me the rule book for how NOT to act when and if my ex-husband ever gets remarried.
I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.
And Stephanie—go pick up Stepmonster TODAY. It will change your life!
April 28th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
Haha, I see there are two Kim’s here. I’m the one who posted at 11:49 today and I see the other Kim is in complete agreement with me. Could it all be in the name? LOL.
Nothing about this path is simple, nothing will be easy. But what other people do or don’t do, like or don’t like, love or don’t love is not a reflection of any of us.
Da wiznitch, giving up is one thing. Standing a little further away from the fire, not taking responsibility for the outcome, not taking on the solutions, and waiting. Those are okay places to hang out also. You deserve that, sounds like from what I’ve read of your story here and on other blogs. Wednesday is the first person I’ve read who says to give yourself that permission to not be perfect, to let yourself not try so hard. Maybe some of the others have said it in the countless books I’ve read, but it was so lost in the messages of what to do and try and be, that I lost track. And, I’d love to be in touch, my name is a hyperlink. You could also write anonymously.
I suggested to Wednesday that she have a Stepmonster Convention. I think it would be wildly popular. I’d go. Anyone else?
April 28th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
Wow! Wednesday mentions so many good, helpful tips that WORK, in this post. As a stepmother, I can tell you that I did it all completely wrong for the first several years. I was way too vested in what everyone thought I should be, act, feel and do for my stepson. I pressed to go to the parent teacher conferences, not because I wanted to but because I thought that was what a good stepmother should do. Wednesday is right, i was already dealing with an antagonistic ex-wife and this only fueled the fire. Not to mention that my husband and I were spending way too much time arguing over those types of situations than we were spending on our partnership. He had that “I have to do this for the sake of the kids” mentality, and I had that “look at everything I’m doing for YOUR son” mentality. We were headed for divorce! It did not get better until we started to focus and strengthen our partnership!!!!! I cannot stress this enough. It was at that point that our house achieved a level of peace that most stepfamilies dream about. I stepped back and gave myself permission to just be who I organically am, instead of forcing myself to fit this unrealistic image of a stepmother that society says we should be, but then throws us under the guillotine when we try to live up to that expectation. I realized that I can still love my stepson and not assume the responsibility for him in certain areas. For example, his mother and father can go to the parent teacher conferences because I don’t want to go. The last several court appearances that his ex-wife drug us to, I did not go. I don’t butt my head into every argument or situation that arises between my husband and his ex-wife. Instead, I trust that my husband will handle it and inform me of anything that I NEED to be made aware of. And wow, what a relief it was to be able to let go. Wednesday’s right, after we took these steps of strengthening our partnership and letting go, the ex-wife became an annoyance rather than a wedge that was driving us apart. Now we literally don’t even pay attention to her tactics anymore. She is hardly ever the topic of conversation! Do we have an ideal relationship with my stepson where ALL of his parents work together and support his relationships with each of us – NO. BUT, this was going to happen anyway just because of who we are dealing with.
Here’s my point ladies – Wednesday’s right, stop trying to “fix” things because you will never be able to. I tried to be the loving, “look at me, I really love your son” type of stepmother, and I am currently doing the “stepmom stepback.” However, she hasn’t changed because it’s her problem to “fix” and not mine. The only things that we (my husband and I) can control is our partnership, our household and our reaction to what she dishes out.
*Kela*
April 29th, 2010 at 12:58 am
I’d go to a Stepmonster convention!!!
Wednesday? Are you game???
May 4th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
I have had my fair share of drama with my husband’s ex. No matter how much he gives her her way he always does something wrong. She wants money all the time. He pays 650 a month in child support, because she has no income but she always wants more money for something else and tells everyone he doesn’t support his kids. They both cheated when they were married, but he tried to work things out even when she cheated with his best friend he tried to work things out but she left him for the best friend, but of course the divorce is his fault and because of the divorce she says that the kids have problems and that the Dr tells her they need counseling because they are so devastated for he did. She lies alot. She tells people stuff for no reason like she’s a teacher, when she only worked at a daycare or she a 6 degree black belt or she has a degree in account when she quit school at 16. She just make stuff up. She also tells my stepkids that the child support she gets goes into a account for them to get when their 18. When she has to use to live on since she has no job. She tells everyone thats she has a phat bank account. She also claims to be really religious, always quoting the bible and stuff, when she lives with her boyfriend in his mothers house. For a long time she acting like they were still married. Calling him all time with her problems and wanting him to do things for her. She’s always late picking them up or dropping them off and not just a few minutes but hours. She has lots of debt and gets calls from bill collectors and will give them our number and address, wanting him to pay. She is best friends with his mother, so his mother hates me along with most of his family. It’s hard to deal with. They try and turn my step kids against me. I have two childern that he adopted and we have a child together. His ex and his family spoil my step kids and his family can’t even remember my kids names even though we been married 6 years. I love my husband, he’s a great guy, but sometimes i feel he lets his ex walk all over him, thinking there’s nothing he can do. He has never put his ex or his family before me or the kids. He always tells when she calls and what she has said, so nothing will get twisted around. Sorry for the rant but it’s hard dealing with her. Thanks for the article.
May 5th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Mistress,
Gimme syndrome plus best pals with your husband’s mother = an ex with very, very poor boundaries indeed. I think all you can do, you and your husband, if focus on your partnership in the face of an intrusive, unhealthy ex in the picture. It’s clear from the lies that she tells that she doesn’t like herself much, and that she’s not in a good way. That’s sad for her kids but really there’s nothing you can do about the fact that these kids have a train wreck for a mother! All you can do is create a civil, calm place for them to be when they’re at your place, and not take the bait from their mom. I know it’s hard when a husband lets himself get pushed around by his ex wife. I discuss this at length in my book, and how you can set boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage. Hang in there, and hope you will find support and ideas here (check out Mary Kelly Williams’s piece about boundaries that’s up here now; sounds like it might help in your situation!)
xx wednesday
June 8th, 2010 at 6:21 am
This is the first time I’ve found anyone who is in my particular situation. Let me be even more specific…Not just my situation but, my boyfriend’s, his child and step-children, and my children’s issue. My boyfriend and his ex have been separated for 4 years and divorced for 2. We have been together for 2 1/2 years, living together for 1 1/2 years. While this may seem quick, we have actually known each other for 15 years. Anyhow…I heard about her from the beginning(from him, family, friends and co-workers)and nothing that I heard was positive. I was still willing to make my own decision and form my own opinion/relationship with “The Ex”. I am an outgoing, easygoing person and was met with hostility from the get-go. I somewhat expected this and was understanding. Just because you don’t want to be with someone, doesn’t mean you want that person to be with or happy with someone else. This has become a completely intolerable situation though, a year and a half after the fact. It seems the closer I get to not only the kids(understandable for her to have trouble dealing) but also my boyfriend, the worse the situation between my bf, his kids and myself. As well as, the deterioration of what goes between my bf, his kids and his ex. She is hostile to my bf and myself in front of the kids, and for lack of “nicer” words, vents to the kids about her dislike of my bf and myself. This behavior has caused turmoil in our house and has his kids turning against us, where we were actually early on, forming a good relationship. Two of the kids no longer come over. There have been many and varying reasons given, last but certainly not least, it’s my fault. (Which I totally saw coming) As if all this isn’t enough, his youngest son is on the verge of failing the 4th grade, throwing temper tantrums in school(to the point of being phsycially removed from the classroom), using curse words in school and a disrespectful attitude. Recently he was suspended for 2 days for this behavior. We(my bf and I)have taken him to a counsellor, worked with the school and teacher, and tried punishment/reward disipline at home. None of it did any good. When he goes to his mom’s she will do the exact opposite that we do and that is nothing. “The Ex” was even against this child going to counselling and on her days would not take him to previously agreed upon appointments. I really liked everything that you said and truely have implemented 75% of those methods already on my own, just from various things I’ve read or good common sense. Nothing works it just gets worse. My concern is not for myself. My concern at this point is for my bf’s children and my children. What do I do? She won’t go to mediation. My bf’s son’s counsellor wanted a meeting with my bf and “The Ex” upon her conclusions, and “The Ex” refused to go. She will not respond maturely or reasonably to any solution that may end the conflict with the kids or between my bf or herself. We are at our wits end and are very concerned(can’t stress this enough)for the children. Not only how will this effect the children in the future, but the turmoil and chaos that is clearly going on at present. Can you please help???
July 16th, 2010 at 11:08 am
Dear Wednesday: At the time I discovered your book earlier this year, it was a lifesaver. I simply didn’t know how I could manage my relationship, my daughter (from my previous marriage), our new baby and his two very difficult kids, one of whom has Down Syndrome and a whole host of emotional and behavioral problems. We have his kids 50/50 with his destructive ex. She has said and done every horrible thing about/to me, him and my daughter. The courts were a joke (and we are all lawyers!!). She has sued me twice (the second suit is still ongoing). Thus, I can’t merely ask my husband to deal with it. She is in the process of destroying his credit (which he should be dealing with, is just starting to, too late) as she never abided by the divorce agreement to get their mortgage (which was in his name alone because she had such bad credit) out of his name and into hers. I could go on and on. Quite simply, there is not a day that goes by where she is not in my life in some way. I am attempting to come to accept this fact and come to peace with it. The first step for me was heavily influenced by your book (which my husband find slightly unnerving). What a relief to know that I am not a horrible person for feeling the way I do (i.e., that I often wish they would all disappear). We work with a counsellor (not enough), but I am still looking for community. I know almost no stepmothers and none with as difficult a situation as I have. There are no support groups in my rather large city that I (or a therapist) has been able to find. Any advice on creating or finding community?
With thanks,
August 15th, 2010 at 10:58 pm
Wow, Its amazing what I have seen on the board. My situation is somewhat differant. Bio does not visit does at all and lives less then 20 mins away. She has seen the children less then a handfull of times and when she does come she brings drama then blames us. She feels that the court orders do not apply to her and is more intrested in getting “revenge” on the my husband then what the children need. She has stolen from the children (money, Ipod) yet my husband and I are always at fault. Now she is mad after 4 years the children call me mom. I’ve never asked them to, I’ve always said its your choice and they do. Now Bio is going balistic about it even thought she has removed herself from their life. We have taken her back to court to try and make her show up but the courts don’t care if she is there for the children or not. Our judge flat out told us that if she is not using her visitation that we need to remove her visitation so the children don’t get hurt waiting for her to show up. Its just sad.
She then writes nasty things on the internet about my husband, the kids and me, then gets made when i set the record straight because I don’t want nasty stuff about my family on the internet. She also is not writting about sexual things that the children read (youngest is 11) and want to know the defination of fetish, open marraige among other topics. Why would you do that to your own children after inviting them to read your writtings? I’m lost at what I should be doing.
Mellissa
August 21st, 2010 at 10:41 am
My situation has been a living hell. Totally dysfunctional. I am the one who cannot tolerate the blind eye that my husband chooses to use dealing with his exes and the manipulation, lies and underhanded tactics that they consistently use against him and now us. He gets mad at me for standing up to it by him. I have felt so alone during this and tired of being the scapegoat. i cannot set the boundaries if my husband does not use them or respect them. He won’t even sit down and discuss it ~ he says “I” have the problem, I create the “mess” by talking about it to him, that he has enough stress dealing with all of it, that he needs to get a break from me ~ it is “none of my business”. Please help!!
August 21st, 2010 at 12:47 pm
How interesting that this thread has picked up again right when it’s the problem on my mind! I didn’t follow it when it first started because I was traveling back then and away from internet access. But Deborah, I hear you. For a long time, my husband and I had this worked out pretty well–and I assure you that he was/is very much like you describe your husband as being. In addition to the guilt, he’s always been balled up with remorse and self-loathing for ever having married her in the first place. He could see problems with her even long ago (she’s quite the victim and came from a really dysfunctional family), but he foolishly thought that his love could provide stability, that his family could give her the grounding she needed to be her best self. Instead, she’s brought them (and us) down with her unresolved issues, and has used his love up in callous and selfish ways.
So when my husband seems to turn the blind eye, it’s usually a sign that he’s really upset as well, and it’s not always easy to get him talking. Most men hate to talk, right? And many times when he does talk, all there is to say is basically, “It is what it is.” It’s very hard for a man to acknowledge a lack of agency, to come to terms with how little control he has over the situation. When things get like this, it’s very hard for me to resist the urge to blast the ex with an email in his defense. On the one hand, I get so frustrated with him for not sticking up for himself more (in financial terms, in terms of his authority as a parent, in terms of his role in his daughter’s life), but then on the other hand, when we do talk these things out in some detail, I see pretty clearly that he’s made all of these choices deliberately, and that he hates the situation as much as I do. Of course it’s much easier to blame each other (there, you can yell and vent and feel like you’re getting somewhere) than to recognize that you’re in a situation with limited ability to act.
One thing, Deborah, that I found really helpful in getting out of a logjam, is to reframe the conversation with my husband. I tell him that I realize that I’m stuck in my frustration and anger and that I can’t find a way to get out of it, and that I need his help to be my best self in this situation. I frame it as an appeal to his friendship to help me, rather than as my trying to change him. We both hate having these things come between us. When I talk to him in that way, it also changes how I see the situation, and it makes it a productive dialogue between friends who want the best for each other. Good luck. You’re certainly not alone!
August 21st, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Thank you Kathy for the words of encouragement and suggestions. I could use all the help I can get. There has been an incredible amount of emotional baggage left and hurled upon my
husband by his ex and from her instruction through their two daughters, most significantly his eldest daughter who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I need support and strategy to deal with this. I am a fair and decent person who has never used tactics like this and does not create drama or mess. This is just the toughest spot to be in. I cannot just not react. Appreciate the help and wish there was some way to just go with the flow, if I could trust that things would not fall apart from my naive belief that people do not conduct themselves in this manner. Once my guard is down I feel vulnerable, not protected… and even more upsetting is that my husband does not seem to have the fight in him or passion to put an end to it once and for all.
September 23rd, 2010 at 3:12 pm
You know, alot of you Stepmoms ARE homewreckers. If you got with your Man when he was MARRIED, your were commiting ADULTERY. There is no such things as separation, there is marriage and divorce. Of course you stepmoms made it easy for the Man to LEAVE his family! And you WONDER why X’s are angry? Come on, stop it with the woe is me. You broke up a family for gods sake, have you no remorse? NO, you areNOT the Mom, you didn’t carry a baby for nine months. And, I’m here to tell ya, your husband has a bond with his X you will NEVER HAVE, so thos of laughing at the wife, well, right back at ya! And for the record, a Stepmom will NEVER be accepted, UNLESS you met him AFTER he was divorced. And don’t feel sorry for US, in 99.9 percent of the case, WE LEFT THE MAN. So, honey, your getting our sloppy seconds, lmao!
September 24th, 2010 at 10:25 am
Dear nyob: In your last sentence, the correct spelling should be “you’re” not “your.”
February 6th, 2011 at 3:38 am
Oh yeah, the mistress to step-mom subject. I’m interested in what opninions are out there regarding situations when the new spouse was once the affair partner before they became the step-parent. Does he/she have any right to expect forgiveness from anyone in the first family? Is there anything he/she can do to make up for it to the children. Or is he/she destined to be hated by all but their new wife/husband for the rest of thier lives for the part they played in the demise of the first family? I mean to say, I can read all day long on step-parenting but it all seems so unrealistic because the bitter ex in my situation has every right to be and some things said are true. But that doesn’t change the fact I am now married to someone with children from a previous relationship who’s wellbeing is very important to all adults involved. I am determind not to further impact them negatively, any more than I already have. There is so much to my situation. But what is done is done and,(because we failed miserably to do sooner) we have to do whats best for the kids. Believe me, I am very ashamed of our behavior but conitinuing the war isn’t healthy for them. We can’t just forget the love we have for eachother but should we? Thanks for your website either way Wednesday.
February 16th, 2011 at 4:09 pm
Don’t feel bad horribleperson, I am thought of as the same way.
I met my husband 2 months before his divorce came thru. After all these years, it is still considered an ‘affair’. I did my honest best to make this whole Step-Family situation work for 25 years. The Ex has won. She got all the kids, she got all the child support, she didn’t have to work a day in her life. All her kids still live with her and support her. All of them are 2500 miles away from us. My husband was kicked out of the ‘family’ circle, he (nor I) could do anything right. But, I am so very glad they are FAR AWAY!!!! One SK is a pot-head, one SK is on Meth, and the last SK is a drunk. She blamed me for the break-up of the family and just texted me last year with the message “You immoral slut, you broke up our family you low life whore”. Nothing can be repaired with that kind of thinking. No doubt she has passed on her thoughts to her kids. I am glad they are there and we are here!!! Don’t try so hard horrible person, live your life for your husband and mostly yourself.
February 17th, 2011 at 10:45 am
Dear Not a Horrible Person,
I don’t think this is an issue of what one has the right to expect, but rather of adjusting expectations all around. You are the target of anger, probably much so than your husband is (odd, since he is the one who was part of the family system in the first place, and made the decision to step outside of it!) That is a fact. Now, what will you and your husband do about it? Let it destroy you, individually and as a couple? I hope not! I want to recommend both couples and individual treatment for you and your husband, to help you sort through how to do the stand up thing for his kids but also, just as importantly, for yourselves. It will do you no good to be the whipping boy (girl) for a family in a rage. There is understanding, and then there is masochism. Whether we make mistakes or not, we can’t subsume our lives to the anger and resentment of others indefinitely. We can only understand, and have a strategy for moving ourselves forward. Please seek out a qualified therapist in your area so that you receive the support and compassion you deserve. And thanks for reading!
xx wednesday
April 6th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
What a wonderful article! So well written and to the point. I have been a step mom for 9 years and my stepchildren live/lived full time with us (oldest son is 21 and does not live with us anymore, sd is 18 and with us fulltime). I also have 3 children from my first marriage a 15 year old son, 20 year old daughter (in college) , and a son 22 who has Down Syndrome. My first husband died so my kids have been with us 100%. I am very slow on the uptake and it has taken me 9 years to realize that my stepchildren do not like me – no matter how much I do for them or how far I bend over backwards they aren’t going to like me, their mother had quite a bit to do with that fact but I have no regrets about how I acted towards my skids or their mother. I always helped them when they needed it, I never ever got involved in the logistics between my husband and his ex about the skids, I was always respectful of her being their mom I never had a Jerry Springer moment with her, never yelled at her or had any direct conflict with her, always let my husband do the dirty work there never said a negative word about her to the skids – not easy for me, I like to run my mouth. In the beginning I made the mistake of allowing her into my home (she lived in another state and even slept in our house sometimes – how naive was I?) – I didn’t realize at the time that she was still very bitter (still after 5 years) because my husband said they got along well, the only reason they got along well was because he said “yes” to everything she wanted to keep the peace – obviously he could no longer do that because we as a couple had our own schedule and priorities to follow and as that became more clear to her she got nasty – and the boundary issue that Wednesday talks about in this article blew up when she came in my house when my husband and I were not home she thought she was just there with my skids but my daughter who was about 14 at the time was home and biomom horribly bad mouthed me, my children, my home, my husband, all of which my daughter heard and was in tears when we came home. I ( I say I but I never even spoke to her about it I let my husband handle all that) banned her from coming into our home, she didn’t even try to deny to my husband that she said those things and when my husband told the skids they weren’t surprised. From there she took to coming to pick the kids up early and parking her car right out in front of our home, cleaning out her car or talking on her cell phone – sometimes for over an hour “waiting” for the skids – can you say “passive aggressive”? I ignored her – told my husband to tell her not to block the driveway – told my kids to ignore her and did just that. I still at that point said “hello ” cordially but that changed when my daughter got her drivers license at 16 and a half and about two weeks after biolunatic was driving away from our home and my daughter was driving towards home – biolunatic swerved her car into my daughters lane scaring her badly – sad thing is my daughter didn’t tell me about it until a few months later after my son then 11 years old burst into tears when we were pulling up to our house and he saw her car because she had yelled at him the day before about playing basketball too close to her car (she was on another one of her hour long “waiting” vigils). So I told my daughter that my son had burst into tears and that’s when she told me what happened – poor kids didn’t tell me when these things happened because they felt like THEY would get in trouble for badmouthing her – I felt so horrible and I had failed them. I didn’t realize how badly her dysfunctional behavior affected them and our entire household – they had for years seen a woman do whatever she pleased – not pay a dime for her kids, not see them on a weekend because she was tired, break things in our home “by mistake” (flower pots, toilet seats, soy sauce bottle on an oriental rug etc – can you say passive aggressive again?) – they absorbed it all and they saw that there were no consequences for her at all and the result was that they were afraid to speak up for themselves. I realized we could not continue that way so I told my kids that she was 100% cut out of their lives, that I would never again try to make “small talk” with her that we were going to build the Great wall of China between her and my kids – they were so relieved – I felt horrible that I didn’t realize she could have had such a negative effect on them. I have not spoken to or looked at her in almost 5 years, I had spoken to a police officer friend to ask what we should do about the assault on my daughter with the car and he said it was a bit late to press charges but I assured my daughter that I would press charges against her if she did anything to her again and that she would never get in trouble. As a result biomom hates me and my kids more – and tells my skids. I had hoped it would turn out differently for all of us but I have a clear concsience about how I behaved towards her and my skids, they don’t like me not because they don’t like ME – they are still bitter (biomom) and traumatized (skids) I do wish I had set clearer boundaries earlier for my children’s sake and I wish I could have seen that her bitterness was affecting them. She clearly has serious issues, anyone who can verbally or physically attack a child has serious issues, I can’t fix her I can only try to keep my kids out of the path of her wrath.
June 15th, 2011 at 9:13 am
Wednesday,
I think one of the incredible things you have done for Stepmoms is to give us a voice and context for our experiences. So much labeling and projection goes into the view of “stepmother” that not only must we confront the reality of our situations, but also a set of illusions which are often completely groundless; and thus, in so many ways, unable to be countered.
One of the things that has helped me is to realize that the biological mother’s behavior is not under my control. I kept trying to do everything “just right” (despite her ever-changing standards) in the hope she would back off. Your blog has given me the understanding that I can take care of my own end of things- as I see fit!- without having to engage, fix, offer an olive branch, walk on tiptoes, be “super positive”, etc, etc. THANK YOU! The more centered I become in my own way of being in this situation, the more I see it helps everyone -most importantly – me!
October 3rd, 2011 at 3:07 pm
I’m tired of being a Stepmom, I really am! The Ex has always been a headache and she taught the SK’s well b/c they (SK’s) have always been disrepectful, and man do they like to spy? Their mom owns their souls and I dread when they call or come visit, it’s a real drag for me. I went overboard and bent over-backward when I first married their dad. I’m burnt out now, I have no love left for any of these people! They trampled my good feelings and made fun of me, called me the “N” word and whore and ‘bug-eyes’ and now their mom had the last laugh calling me ‘fillthy slut that tore my family apart’ and so with that-they threw all my good intentions back in my face. My DH doesn’t refuse their calls or visits but he’s tired of their drama too! After 30 years of being divorced, the Ex STILL calls my DH. Most of the time he ignores her calls, but their stupd son got thrown in jail, and she left a tear-filled message about needing bail money so this time DH called her back. They both seem to be suffering from ‘not being able to let go’, That might be part of the reason that I’m tired, cuz I feel and have always felt like a 5th wheel. But I tried, I really did…:(
January 19th, 2012 at 11:16 am
I wonder if you still read these, I just stumbled onto this website today. It is great to know that I am not alone in the way I feel. My husband and I have been through a lot of Drama with his ex wife. My husband and I got together when my step son was 9 and my son was 2. In the early days she would tell my step son that my son was really his father’s son because he had an affair with me. So the poor kid would be upset and question his Dad. We did not even know one another at the time I had my son. She would keep her son from seeing his father and telling the kid tons of lies about him. She would tell my step son not to like me and all kinds of crazy things. She is very unstable, one day when my step son was 11 my husband received a phone call from his son (I should mention lived in Brooklyn with his Mother, and we live down the Jersey Shore), my step son was crying telling him that Mom said I cant live with her anymore that I have to live with you she dropped me off at Aunt Marie’s house and said to call you. From that day on he has lived with us. My step son is now 16, and she has not paid child support once, she has not taken him to the Dr, brought him school clothes or supplies and so on. He visits her every other weekend, she does not pick him up or drive him home, and only did once in 5 years. She still talks bad about me to him. My son’s child support has to support 2 children it is insane. I love my step son. I get the feeling that he does not like me or my son at all. I try to talk to him about it and he always says that everything is OK and that he likes living with us. My son who is now 8 idolizes my step son however he will not acknowledge my son at all. Even at dinner he will not speak or talk to my poor son. I hate living like this. My step son also manipulates my husband and gets what ever he wants whenever he wants. He has no rules or boundaries. He is not a bad kid but he is manipulating. I love my husband but I do not like how he lets his ex wife get away with not helping out and how he lets his son act disrespectful towards me and my son, and himself. My husband and I only fight over this and nothing else. We have talked rational about it time and time again he says he will change but never does. I have packed and was ready to move me and my son out over this at one point. Now she has been texting my husband trying to be all friendly with him and trying to reminisce about old times they had. He does not text her back but he does not put her in her place either. Help me, I do not know what to do anymore.
January 19th, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Dear Sad Stepmom,
I can understand why you’re feeling sad. No one could blame you if you also feel angry, hopeless, and the other things that anyone would feel in a situation like yours.
Issues with stepchildren are generally a couples issue. By this I mean, if you and your husband are an airtight team of two, nothing can sink you. Not a manipulative child from a previous marriage, not a hostile, undermining ex. You and your husband urgently need to do couples therapy immediately, with someone qualified and experience in working with couples in a remarriage with children. If your husband is open to this idea, you and he can turn your partnership and your home situation around with work and commitment. It sounds like he, in particular, has some work to do regarding his son. His son should understand that it is not acceptable to ignore his half brother. He doesn’t have to love him or even like him, but it is unacceptable for him to live in your home and act as if your son does not exist. It is damaging for your son, your marriage, and yes, your stepson, that your husband tacitly allows this behavior by refusing to talk with his son to let him know that the rules of the household include civil behavior, including greeting people when they walk in the room, speaking to them when spoken to, etc.
If your husband will NOT consider couples therapy, and denies there is an issue, you have a few options. One is to get into individual treatment yourself and strategize about your next steps with a professional who understands the dynamics of remarriage with children. Of course, you could also let your husband know this is a make or break issue and if he won’t partner with you to resolve it so everyone can be happy at home, you cannot stay in the marriage any longer. Sometimes the realization that their wives are truly unhappy spurs men to action.
Lastly, consider attending the workshop I am running on Saturday March 3 with Dr. Rachelle Katz at the Open Center in Manhattan. It is a workshop for couples in reparnterships with children of any age. I think you could find support, validation and solutions there.
Courage. xx wednesday
January 23rd, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Dear Wednesday,
Thank you so much for your reply. It means a great deal to me to know that I am not nuts to feel the way I feel. I will do whatever I can to get to your workshop on March 3. You are an inspiration.
xoxoxoxo
SadStepMom
January 30th, 2012 at 11:40 pm
Wednesday,
Thank you so much for your book. It has helped more than anything. I wanted to ask you about a situation that wasn’t really addressed in your book. My husbands ex has mental health problems and my skids may as well. She has done it all, lying about medical or child care expenses, telling the kids their asshole dad left them penniless, teaching them to hate him and me, taking him to court a million times even when tree was nothing to gain, accusing us of abuse etc…she is on her third marriage. The kids lived with us for many years, and yes, I made all the typical mistakes, being the mom and all, but never to the point of taking it from her. After a decade of it everything fell apart. As the kids got older, more vocal, and had self absorbed teen attitudes they brought all of her hatefullness into our home and it was hell. I couldn’t stand it any longer and entertained divorce. My sweet husband, who had a mountain of guilt and would never stand up to them did. He saw their Ttrue colors when they were celebrating my departure. He felt betrayed by them and they all moved back with his ex. Here is the problem, our dream of a perfect family died, he blamed me for them going, I blamed him for not really sticking up for me all along and protecting me all along…and our marriage feels destroyed. It feels like we lived through a war or a horrid tragedy and we are both numb from it. It seems all our passion for life died and our belief in goodness. It feels like his ex and the kids won after all. I just need some practical steps to be able to pick up the pieces. I need to know what to do. I can’t seem to figure it out on my own. It’s awkward when they visit us now. It feels like they are strangers. No one talks much. Doesn’t feel like there is an ounce of love left. I do love my husband but i’m hoping life will get better than this. Any suggestionS?
February 23rd, 2012 at 12:48 pm
I could kick & scream & rant & rave & not one of my Steps would hear or care!
They have been taught real well by their BM (She is a real BM!!!) to not care or respond or like anything about me (their StepMom). They have been taught by their BM to act like I don’t exist.
In the beginning I loved their dad so much that I did everything to make ALL OF THAT FAMILY comfortable. I was such a fool!!! I didn’t know I risked my self-esteem on trying to make THOSE PEOPLE love me!!
Their mom quit school in the 8th grade and never grew past that 8th grade thinking age!!! She has called me a N*GG**, a SL*T, a WHO*E, and who can forget C**T!!
She thinks MY HUSBAND STILL LOVES HER & misses her, SHE IS SO DERANGED!!! I almost wish sometimes he woulda went back to her just so I don’t have to hear about THESE PEOPLE ANYMORE!! But he claims NO WAY!! The SK’s soaked all of her stupidity & vileness right into their system!! Their loyalty is sick & beyond repair!!
The way the EX calls when she wants & the way my stupid hubby accepts that. I want her to feel the same way she has made me feel—yes-siree!!! I want her to suffer the same way I have!! I want her to encounter SOMEONE JUST LIKE HER WHO TREATS HER THE SAME WAY SHE HAS TREATED ME!!
My husband hurts because his kids AREN’T HIS KIDS ANYMORE!!! They are HER KIDS!!!
And she taught them to HATE & BE DISREPECTFUL & OH SO MUCH NEGATIVITY!!
They all turned out 2 b LOSERS!!!!!
1- is a WELFARE FOOD-STAMP CIGARETTE SMOKING METH HEAD WITH 4 KIDS WITH A MAN THAT SHE WON’T MARRY CUZ HER MOM TAUGHT HER HOW 2 B A WELFARE RECIPIENT!!!
2-is a MOUTHY DRUNK WHO JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE A GUN!!!! For God’s sake really???
3-is a MOUSY DRUNK POTHEAD – TWICE DUI – LAZY 30 YR OLD STILL LIVING W/ HIS MOM BECAUSE HE DIDN’T GROW ANY COHONEZ!!!
4-HUBBY PAID CHILD SUPPORT FOR BUT TURNED OUT HE WASN’T MY HUSBAND’S KID, SOMEBODY ELSE’S KID THAT EX HAD AN AFFAIR W/ DURING THEIR MARRIAGE but #4 GOT HUBBY’S LAST NAME & THEREFORE HE PAID FOR THIS KID. #4 IS JUST LIKE #3!!
I resent them & their SLUTTY mom SO MUCH!!! I HATE HAVING THEM IN MY LIFE!! I HAVE BEEN VERBALLY ABUSED & SHUNNED & MADE FUN OF & I HATE THE EX & HER BROOD OF NO-GOOD-FOR-NOTHINS!!!
WHAT I HATE MOST OF ALL IS HUBBY NEVER STOOD UP AGAINST THE EX OR THE STUPID SPAWN FOR MY PROTECTION OR OUR MARRIAGE!! HE LET THEM RUN HIM OVER & HE ROLLED OVER & TOOK IT “Because you never know when I can see my kids”…ugh!!!
WHAT A NIGHTMARE & A JOKE THIS WHOLE STEP-SITUATION HAS BEEN AND IS!!!!
March 22nd, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Your post is a true beacon of light. A balm. I am so sad that I missed your workshop on March 3, as I am also in NYC. I am recently married and my 15 year-old stepson was diagnosed as bipolar a year ago. To say my husband’s ex is angry at his moving on is an understatement. I generally do not like to “blame the woman” but even after a seven year separation that she initiated, this woman is one of the most passive aggressive persons I have ever encountered. You are right that we must ignore the lies they spread, for her “victim story” is that I was her “friend” (we weren’t ever friends), and she constantly attacks and berates my husband for choices she made BEFORE they married almost 18 year ago. Now that her son has been diagnosed as bipolar, he lives with her and has taken to hating my husband and I. Verbally abusive. And everything he says is right out of her mouth; things, as a child, couldn’t otherwise know. Worse, even though the child has had to be hospitalized, she believes that the son is not bipolar, he is just “angry” and condones his inappropriate and cruel lashing out–mainly because it mimics her own behavior. It is my husband’s fault that he had a “nervous breakdown” (she is in total denial), she doesn’t insist the boy goes to therapy is wants to wean him off of his medicine. She presents herself as the victim at every turn; because the child only wants to live with her and dislikes us (with the psychological permission of his mother), now that she has what she wanted (her secure love of the child and his dislike of us, though the child and I had a good relationship for years until one argument that signaled his eventual diagnosis), she is even angrier that she has to do this “alone.” This woman is delusional and I am SO ANGRY inside at her behavior. Really, just thoroughly disappointed. It did not have to be this way. Now I do not trust her or her son, though I am giving him the benefit of the diagnosis, despite his mother’s denial. My husband and I…it has been trying, but I feel we are in some ways closer. I feel for him. He really does the best that he can–and here I am not merely ‘protecting the husband.’ He insists his son goes to therapy whereas she does not, and she badmouths him–she would never call it that, but it is badmouthing by cutting him off at the knees, enabling the kid, having inappropriate conversations with the kid, giving him waaaay too much information which, in turn, comes back to us in verbally abusive text messages. It is a very sad situation. I have decided to remain silent and largely ignore her and her incessant blaming and rants. (I really wish she would get psychological help.) This quiet is new for me, but I think it’s wise, and what elderwomen around me have advised, as well as your brilliant post for which I am very grateful. Any comments are appreciated, as well as any upcoming workshops or books, etc.
thank you
July 18th, 2012 at 4:11 pm
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September 25th, 2012 at 4:14 pm
Thank you so much for your site. I am sitting here in tears. I am not a step mom yet but I am close. I love my man and his daughter. He has custody because bio-mom has issues. She has started making treats about ruining Christmas if he doesn’t “work” with her about her having more time with their daughter. He has already relaxed the visitation agreement to allow her to keep their daughter over night Sunday and take her to school Monday morning. He has not had the school put a stop to her going there to have lunch with their daughter three or more times a week and he even reminded her she can pick up their daughter at 4pm when her homework is done and keep her until 7pm on Wednesday as ordered by the court. ( Something she has never done.) I fully admit to hating this woman for what she puts the people I love through. She tells her daughter I am stealing her daddy from her and I am a bad person. She make my life hell on Earth because the love of my life is hurting and so is his daughter. She refuses to talk to me like a human or even acknowledge my existence. She remarried a month ago but she seems to refuse to let my love move on the way she has. I am buying your book tonight and about to devour your blog. Thank you so much for all your very useful information.
Not yet a step mom,
Char
February 3rd, 2013 at 6:09 am
I’m so glad I found your website and book!! I am finished with the drama, finished with all the motherly duties my husband has deemed my responsibility “since I knew he had kids before we got married”, and I want my life back or this marriage will be another statistic in 2014!! Contrary to Wednesday, my husband thinks I should be my skids mother when their mother is not around. I hear this daily. Nothing I do is good enough (especially to my husband) and we now fight constantly. Is there anything that explains realistic expectations of a stepmother vs. mother that I can share with my irrational husband?
We were married in June 2010. Every other weekend I drive two hours to our second home which we only have because my husband says the kids love their home and God forbid they not get whatever they want (yes, I know a lot of resentment building for three years). I was not the other woman, my husband had been divorced for over three or four years when we met but his ex still single and miserable. I say nothing bad about her in front of skids although there is plenty. She calls me every name in the book and tells the kids I took their father away & he abandoned them. He is a wonderful father to them and has never missed a day or weekend that is his (every other weekend and Tuesdays) …this schedule decided by the courts long before I ever came around. If my husband asks for additional time his control freak ex will not allow it (before or after we got married) although his kids think they would see him more if he didn’t also live at my place 2 hours away. My stepson almost 15 has been brain washed by his mom and complains constantly! He has zero responsibilities, sleeps till noon and if he unloads a dishwasher twice a month he or his mother cries child abuse. My stepdaughter almost 13 can’t even shower by herself (PDD-NOS). Now hormonal …the tantrums and constant screaming is even worse and it drives me insane. And I’m the one that gets to take care of the stepdaughter while my husband spends quality time with his son. Unfortunately, my husband insists that I’m exaggerating and he “does everything” but then again if he carries a plate to the sink he thinks he’s done the dishes. I’m so resentful I can’t see straight. I feel like everything is dumped on me and the only reason my husband got married was the need to have someone to take care of his children and cook and clean. I have begged my husband to go to counseling with me but he refuses. He says it’s my duty and he will take care of the yard and that I knew this all before I got married.
Let me add quickly that I have a full-time job and work twice the hours if not more then my husband, make a good living, financially take care of every single bit of the home we live in primarily (my home before marriage), he pays for the 2nd home and I buy 90% of all groceries, bday and Xmas gifts etc… I want this marriage to work and do not want to get divorced (this is my second marriage ….waited 13 years for this what the heck??). I do feel bad for my husband because I know that he loves his children dearly and his ex is an unfair, bitter, nasty women and it hurts him. And his kids suffer her misery also. But I am totally depressed and absolutely dread every other weekend of my life and not willing any longer to sacrifice my happiness bc of all his drama.
My husband and I fight every single week because I refuse to continue the weekday visit…it’s basically 4 hours of driving to spend 3 hours (making dinner & doing dishes and entertaining stepdaughter) if he can’t spend 3 hours alone with his children that’s just sad. Changing the Tuesday visitation to Monday would make life easier for everyone involved but of course my husband doesn’t want to upset his ex-wife who will never agree to anything bc she’s just a bitch(even though my husband promised last June he would contact attorney if necessary but he never wants to rock the boat….I feel he would rather accommodate his ex and brushes me off). She dictates when and where we go on vacation …when we have the kids…everything. I have basically no say and often find out about things after the fact but am told I should embrace this wonderful gift and this wonderful time I get with my “new family”. I just got back from a business meeting to find out my husband has scheduled our spring break and I’m supposed to be thrilled about a week in a one bedroom hotel room (bc everything else booked) and flights that will require about 13 hours in the car (2 hrs here…3.5 hours there) even though before I left when he threw out this vacation idea I said DO NOT book unless we find location and itinerary we are both happy with. He ignores this then gives me 2 hour lecture today about how unappreciative and ungrateful I am? Gee, 13 hours in car w autistic child and sassy spoiled sibling..sounds like a blast, huh?
When my husband and I were dating we did not fight at all. He thinks I trapped him lol. My husband is irrational and a narcissist. He knew what he was doing and I’m hoping your book will give me ideas and ways to break thru to him at least enough to have normal discussions like grown up educated human beings vs. our screaming matches. I absolutely cannot take one more lecture about how selfish I am when I bend over backwards. I’m definitely being taken advantage of which causes big fights because I now defend just about everything. I try to let stuff go and/or go through the motions to prevent a fight but resent just about everything. The stepdaughter does care about me and misses me and I really care for her too. I love both children as much as I can, I try to be a good role model but I don’t love them like their father does. I’m not excited about multiple vacations, the sumer breaks and the Holidays plain suck! BTW, I agreed to and look forward to one destination vacation per year with his children but want a separate vacation for just the 2 of us, with family or friends or to just do things I enjoy…I actually had interests and enjoyed life prior to marriage…..he thinks this selfish and unreasonable. If he has children over Christmas break he expects me to take vacation to take care of them. Why not get a babysitter I ask people with kids work?! And I do end up sacrificing my work and taking off time but it’s not my responsibility and a fight every single time. The arguments about me taking time to see family and friends would leave people speechless…nothing should matter but my husband and his kids and my 3 day break to see my father last year over a non-kid weekend almost resulted in divorce. After all, it was cutting into “our time” even though a kid weekend would have been out of the question. I did not see my husbands children when they were cute little puppies and I don’t have any desire to spend every waking moment talking about when we can get them or what can we do. They are now tween/teen high maintenance spoiled children. I don’t agree with the parenting style and discipline choices that my husband and his ex make so I don’t see why I should be made responsible? And who said life was all about entertainment…these kids need to learn how to take care of themselves to be good responsible adults some day. I just want to work on enjoying my husband again. Is it possible? Your book can’t get here fast enough!!