Top Concern of Women with Stepchildren/Stepmonster Giveaway: How Much and How Long to Spend on his Kids
Some of you have stepkids who think this is how money is made
As I’ve been giving a few talks over the last weeks and reading your comments and emails, I’m getting a sense of what’s keeping you up nights.
You’ve told me, It’s the economy, Stupid. Thanks, I get it now. Stepfamilies (you may chafe against that term because the idea of you being a “family” of any type just doesn’t seem to honestly or accurately describe the reality on the ground when it comes to finances) and couples in a remarriage/repartnership with children are subject to all the economic pressure the entire country is feeling –and then some. And that’s because casting your lot with someone with kids, particularly a guy with kids, costs (men are just statistically more likely to be paying child support than are women, and anecdotally it’s clear that divorced men with kids often allow themselves to be guilted into going above and beyond their financial obligation, often way past the expiration date of a kid’s needs–35 and dad’s paying the rent, anyone?– to “prove” they’re good fathers).
Let’s say what people often don’t like saying, and what many of our well-meaning friends don’t think we should even feel, let alone mention, shall we? Particularly when economic times are tough, it can stink to have to foot the bill for kids or all too often adult kids not your own. Especially when those kids, young adult and adult children of your partner do not treat you particularly well. It can really stick in your craw, and you’re telling me that it does.
“Who am I, Wonderwoman?” one of you wrote, describing working two jobs to help your husband with his child support payments, most of which did not in all likelihood go toward child support once they reached his ex’s house. No, you’re not Wonderwoman. You’re normal, and that’s why you resent it. I’d stop if I were you, since you asked. I’d also start a conversation about separate finances. Another of you asked, “Why do I so resent that we are paying for my 28 year-old stepson’s rent?” Um, because your husband is a pushover who is teaching his son that Dad (and his wife) Will Take Care Of It, Son, No Need to Grow Up. Who wouldn’t resent having a partner who parented so incompetently and guiltily? If it’s going on at 28, who can tell what 38 may bring? Again, I’d think about a bank account of one’s own.
For others, the national economic crunch is affecting your housing situation. Since I live in New York City, land of negative square footage, I’m on the front lines of this one. Recently I gave a talk at which two different women in attendance shared their own architectural challenges. One was living in a small one-bedroom apartment–with her husband and two stepkids. I won’t go into the reasons or the details in order to protect her privacy. But I think we would all be hard-pressed to imagine anything worse for a marriage.
Another woman lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment–one bedroom of which was cordoned off as a kind of shrine to the man’s young adult child away at college. It seems the husband felt that his 21-year-old daughter required an inviolable, sacrosanct room of her own even though she doesn’t live there, and in spite of it being impractical and costly in every way. IN MANHATTAN. That left the woman’s young son sleeping with her and her husband in their room–for three years. The woman hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in all that time–it’s hard to sleep with a toddler alternately kicking and clinging to you all night long, take it from me. When she complained about it, her husband’s solution was that she should sleep on a mattress in the kitchen. So his daughter who had lived in another state for three years, and does not even spend summers with them, could still have “her room.”
This is a smart, savvy and utterly competent woman. But when it comes to asserting ourselves in one’s step”family,” it seems, many of us forget that it’s necessary and healthy to advocate for our own interests. In fact, we forget ourselves entirely. We cave out of fear of seeming, of being accused of being, wicked and unfair.
And then, weeks or months or years later comes the tidal wave of resentment. Or the insomnia, or the hair loss, or the health problems our doctors tell us are stress-related. As summer approaches–and brings with it younger stepkids on vacation and older stepkids on break from college–it is imperative to get your financial philosophy in order. Get a therapist involved if it would help. Then have the tough conversations about what you are and are not willing to shell out, about how to structure or restructure your finances–including your wills, insurance policies, and estate planning –so that everyone’s best interests and desires, including yours, are represented. Because from what you’re all telling me, it will save you a lot of aggravation down the road to have these arguments and negotiations now. Your partnership is very likely worth it. I’m rooting for you. Tell me how it goes.
And let me know here and now: HOW DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND OR PARTNER HANDLE FINANCES? MERGED? PARTIALLY MERGED? COMPLETELY SEPARATE? WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND WHY? I’ll randomly select one respondent to receive a free copy of my book, Stepmonster
*details in anecdotes have been altered to protect the identity of the subjects who tell me their stories
Tags: blended family, divorce, divorce with children, family, finances in marriage, finances in stepfamily, recession, remarriage with children, stepfamilies and recession, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
April 13th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Excellent and very important article. Money/finances are HUGE sources of stress for people and couples in remarriage with children, it’s extremely complicated. In my workshop for couples in remarriage, I address the financial piece. What seems to work best for most couples in remarriage is the idea of the 3 pots. One pot is a communal pot where both contribute to cover for household expenses, trips, savings, etc. Then each spouse has their own pot to draw from. This eliminates a lot of arguments about whose money is being used for whose kids. Prenups are often common in remarriage and some of that alleviates the stress that can arise around finances. My husband has never spent a dime on any of my four children nor would I ever expect him to. That is up to my former spouse and myself. But everyone is different.
What I do find somewhat common are women who are giving up life savings for the new man in her life and his children. More often than not, this eventually blows up in their faces in a big explosion of resentment. It’s not easy to talk about finances with our spouses and I tell couples to expect tension. Normalize it. It’s okay…money is a hot button issue made more complicated in second marriages or more.
April 13th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Thanks for reading, Mary, and for sharing your smart and insightful tips on this topic that you so correctly call a “hot button issue”!
I’m so glad there are a few couples therapists who really do know how important it is to demystify and normalize the issues that normally come up in a repartnership with children. So many times women tiptoe around these issues suspecting that they are being “selfish.” Not at all. As you say, there are going to be flashpoints, and they CAN be discussed. Makes the parntership stronger AND MORE EQUITABLE!
thanks again, xx wednesday
April 13th, 2010 at 11:53 am
Well you read my mind with this one. Mortgage, taxes, child support, plus extras. And the dynamic is not healthy. When my husband does “extras” for his “kids”–one of them is 27!–we’re not talking about an ice-cream cone. We’re talking about a car that we can ill-afford to gift them or taking them on a big expensive “family” vacation where they moon and mope and complain the whole time and my husband scurries around and cleans up after them and wants me to. Something’s got to give and lately with the help of your book and a pastor at our church who is counseling us I see hope and even improvement. But money is a big point of tension for us. I do consider separate finances sometimes because then I don’t think I’d be so angry at him for his stupid decisions about what to give his kids and his kids for being taking machines. If I kept my finances separate it wouldn’t bug me so much. Something to consider. Thanks.
April 13th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
My husband has recently (9 months ago) began communicating with a son who he didn’t know about until 5-6 years ago. The mom chose to withhold the information about the son and now that he wants to know his dad, the gates have opened and everyone — all the kids — and my husband are all talking on Skype like one big happy family.
I can’t help but sit back and wonder: So I’ve been not spending my hard-earned money and socking it away in our “aren’t-we-a-fortunate-couple” 401k so that we can now pay for THREE college educations, therapy bills and every other ancillary item that the other parents can’t pay for?
I shouldn’t even get started on the current debate going on between my husband and I: I want to get a little dog to keep me company; he says no because of the cost and upkeep. He lives in another country (Canada) during the week for work and I see him Friday night through Sunday afternoon. I’m growing resentful for all of the stuff I do — and all of the laying down and “taking it” that I do — and knowing if I went and adopted a dog despite his not wanting one that it could mean the end of a marriage.
Isn’t stepparenting fun?
April 13th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
GREAT POST! Finances are the huge elephant in the room most of the time. As a stepparent (especially stepmother) you are not allowed to talk about his child support payments or any monies that are directed towards his children. You must simply comply! Why? Because not to is to give credence to the ‘wicked’ stepmother stereotype that most people carry around in their heads. After all, if you resent the kids being given anything financially that must mean you RESENT THE KIDS. That, my friends, is the heart of it.
Me? Well, I’m Blackheart. Not really, but the family joke is that I am. My family, not his. I am known to be very firm when it comes to ‘picking up his slack’. I don’t. His daughter is 12 and she lives with her Mother. She is at our place Wednesday nights and EOW. Plus, he drives to the city every single Thursday and drives her to counselling, out to lunch and back to her school. He does all of this because he loves her and is concerned about her. She is ‘goth’ and freely announces that she is going to a ‘f*cktard school’. Yup, the drama has already begun. Neither parents seems particularly concerned about this. I, on the other hand, am horrified. But my mouth remains (mostly) shut. Their kid. Their problem. I have already raised my own child who has successfully completed University and is launched. Anyway …. back to the financials…
We pool our incomes. We split the mtg/utilities. Everything else is separate. He pays his child support and anything and everything associated with his daughter. Both of us are responsible for our own cars, insurance, etc. I have a fair bit more disposable money than he does. I pay for extras for him and I fairly regularly – dinner out, that type of thing. Mainly because he is a good guy and we have fun together. He feels very encumbered financially and I am quite ‘ok’ but that is the way it is. I don’t feel any pressure to contribute to his/his daughters lifestyle. That is up to him and his ex. I made my own money and while I do ’share’ for luxuries between him and I, there is no guilt on this side about not doing so for his daughter. That’s his dept. Signed: Blackheart
April 13th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
We keep our dollars totally separate, always have. Always will. I do end up spending money on his kids (we don’t have any together), but I am not expected to. My husband told me just yesterday that in the 11 years we have been married he has only occasionally bought the kids their clothes!! That’s because he hates to shop.
Initially, we did it this way as I wanted no part of CS but now I am glad we did it this way as we have totally different styles of managing money. I came into the marriage with more savings as well and have been very diligent about keeping up with this so we have a good future. I don’t plan to spend money on helping the kids out UNLESS we have our retirement taken care of and my husband — and the kids — knows this. He and his ex should have planned for the kids’ college and such but they didn’t. I have brought this up for as long as I have known my husband, but I figure worst case, I worked through college and the kids can too. IF they go to college at all. If we are able, I would definitely help my stepson out (stepdaughter is another story), but nobody is counting on it, and as the savings are really mine, I have control of this.
April 13th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Thanks for a wonderful article. Here’s how my boyfriend & I handle our finances. I pay my bills, he pays his bills, and with whatever’s leftover we pay the joint bills. This obviously isn’t ideal because it can lead to one or the other of us feeling like OUR bills aren’t as important as the other’s personal bills. But it’s what we’ve got for now. I’m working on convincing him to set up a joint account for our joint bills…I’ll let ya know how that goes.
April 13th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
In both of our prior marriages, my husband and I had chosen chronic spenders. My ex was the find-a-dime-spend-ten-dollars type and our combined finances were a constant source of stress for me. Before I married my husband, I told him flat out that I may never be ready to share a bank account. It’s not about his spending habits or a lack of trust (my husband is thrifty almost to the point of cheap!), but I really don’t need to see how much money leaves his account every month to pay for our stepson’s CS, daycare, insurance, and incidentals. Our solution is to have separate accounts. I tally up his half of the household bills every month, he writes me a check, and life is good. For large purchases, we discuss how much each of us is willing to spend and go from there. We do have a joint retirement account, but we both still have our own savings and retirement accounts, too. It may seem awkward, but money is one thing we have never fought over.
April 13th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Before I married my husband, we spent quite a bit of time discussing how to handle money. We talked. And talked. There were so many things to consider, and plenty that would come up we had never envisioned.
We are very complementary. I am good with money and budgeting. My husband is not. He is great at cooking. I am not. Etc, etc, etc. What made sense to us in everything, including money, was whoever was gifted in that area would take on the majority of the responsibility. Our finances are totally merged and I do the budgeting and bill paying. Every month we sit down and go over it together. We have shared goals and every decision outside of the normal budget is looked at in light of those goals. It works very well for us. It wouldn’t for everyone, as evidenced by how others handle their finances.
Thanks for a great article (again)!
April 13th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
This article speaks to me in very real ways. I sometimes get so upset and stressed about our finances that I get shortness of breath and heart palpitations. I consider myself a feminist but I’m an artist and I don’t earn nearly as much as my husband. He just presumed we would have joint finances which is very generous of him in a lot of ways. On the one hand our financial melding has really benefited me in a lot of ways since I grew up basically impoverished, then had all kinds of debt from student loans from school and art school all of which my husband wiped out. And my lifestyle improved in all kinds of ways because of his income and his generosity with it. He has insisted all these years that we are partners and that is that, and it means we’re 50-50 financial partners even if I earn less. It took me years to take him at his word. What bugs me at this point is that he doesn’t consult me when using “our” money for his kids in their late 20s. It’s not that I begrudge them the money, exactly (sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t); I’d just like to be asked since that’s supposedly the deal.
To complicate matters a bit more I have started having some success with my work and have been able to sell pieces and have an income. And I don’t want my income to be spent on a car for his 29-year-old, or a rent payment for his 26-year-old. So what do I do, tell him what’s his is ours and what’s mine is mine? I would love any advice. Because the truth is that I resent anything I earn going into a big pot that includes his kids who are way old enough to take care of themselves.
April 13th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Ah yes, the old “you knew he had child support payments to make before you married him” crap. And to me, that’s just what it is… crap. For me, it’s not the fact that we pay money for the upkeep of the children that bugs me. It’s the fact that our money is used for HER vacations, eyebrow waxings, whatever. It makes me want to puke. BUT.. when this is brought up, it’s “well, you knew he had child support payments BLAH BLAH BLAH.”
My husband pays his child support out of his checks and we split the household expenses evenly when we can. There are some times when I have to pay a bit more of the household stuff when we have unexpected medical bills or something like that, but that’s ok with me. My husband handles his obligations from before me on his own.
April 13th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
What a great post! Initially, we pooled our money and shared expenses. NO MORE! We now have separate finances. We split the mortgage/utilities and each pay our own extra expenses. I don’t think I can do it any other way. My husband makes 3 times the amount of money I do and has an ex-wife to assist in the raising of his kids. My ex passed away and I work two jobs to provide my half of the expenses and those of my girls. They are both paying their way through college and I couldn’t be prouder. (although much self-induced guilt for not being able to afford their college tuition. I help where I can – books and extras).
Thank you once again, Wednesday for such a great post. At times, I look around because it is as if you are in my life. Your writing is exactly what I am experiencing, feeling and living with.
April 13th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
Keeping finances separate is a necessary but not sufficient solution to the problem of his kids draining your earnings and savings.
My partner and I kept our finances separate from the beginning. (In fact one reason we haven’t married is to make sure that I am never responsible for his debts; he has had a bankruptcy and other financial problems.) But I still had to be vigilant to make sure I didn’t end up paying for his kids, some of whom have treated me abominably. And the kids have tried to use money issues to break up our relationship. It didn’t work, but it’s interesting that money is a tool that they can use to cause trouble between their dad and his new partner. Also, I think I should have been more assertive from day one about fairness around the money issue.
When I first moved in with him, we split our rent and other expenses equally, but his 19 year old daughter was living with us, and had the largest bedroom. Eventually I figured out this wasn’t quite right, especially considering the fact that she was drinking and partying hard; essentially I was subsidizing her party lifestyle, while I worked and stayed sober and cooked and shopped for her. She wouldn’t even do her chores.
She eventually left, and another son moved in. This time, we split expenses three ways, so that my partner paid two thirds of the rent and other expenses. That was fairer for me. (It seems important to add here that he was at the same time paying child support to the son’s mother, even though the son was living with us! That was his business, though, not mine. He didn’t want a fight with the ex.)
We kept it that way for a long time, until we bought a house together. I still had my house in my old home town. (I go there in the summer when school is out; i’m a teacher.) So now I was paying the expenses for one and a half houses: my own house and our house together, taxes, utilities, repairs, etc. I was barely breaking even. It didn’t seem fair: my partner had to pay half the expenses for one house, and I had to pay for one and a half houses! And I had been doing it for years! Further, we were living in a town where he had a long-established job and income; my job has always been less lucrative in part because I just had to find a way to make a living in his town, if we were going to live together. (He has tenure at a university. I teach at a community college.)
So eventually I told him that I was tired of bearing almost the entire financial burden of us being together. He has actually benefited financially from us being together: he has had a nice place to live for ten years for about half or 2/3 of what it would have cost by himself, while my costs are about 150% of what they would be if I were by myself. I have been paying for us to be together. Meanwhile I have been threatened and verbally abused by his children for ten years, and he refuses to defend me or stand up to them.
I have been paying to be abused.
Sisters, I put a stop to it. Now he pays the repairs, taxes, and utilities for our house in his hometown, and I pay for my house in my home town. (We still split groceries 50/50.) The abusive kids don’t come to our house any more. Finally, some justice. But it took me way too long.
I wish he had also let the kids know from the beginning that he was not supporting me, and that in fact I was supporting the kids sometimes. They have always seen me as somebody who somehow got money and support from their dad that should have gone to them or their mom. (I think their mother told them that their dad was spending money on his “mistress” instead of them.)
One of the daughters, for example, got very angry when she found out we had finally bought a house after renting for ten years. Her mother was in danger of losing her house, apparently, because she had not paid her property taxes in years. The daughter apparently felt she had to bail out her mother, so she took out a credit card and got $7000 to give to her mom, to save the house. Then she guilt-tripped her dad into paying off the credit card bill! I think the daughter thought that this would infuriate me and cause a rupture between me and her dad: that I would be furious because her dad had indirectly funneled a large amount of money to his ex-wife. I didn’t care: if he wants to throw away his money like that, that’s his business.
But it’s an example of how step kids use money issues to attempt to break up their dad’s relationship with his new partner.
April 13th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
We pool our money, but with very clear boundaries. He has no extra money to “chip in” on things they think he should have to pay extra for and I am not giving them anything. It’s never going to be completely fair and I have accepted that, but I will not impoverish myself or jeopadize retirement for ridiculous money demands from stepkids or their mother. I have told my DH that if he does one thing outside of his child support and medical obligation then our money gets separated. He pays too much and can’t even pay half of our household bills.
April 13th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
What’s true in Edith Wharton’s fiction is true in stepmotherhood: the romance plot always relates to the business plot. For me, the evolution of financial arrangements has always gone hand in hand with the shift in our emotional relationships, familial and romantic. For a long time my husband and I overpaid child support so that his ex could keep the house (all for the good of the child, mind you, while he and I lived in an uncomfortable rental); for many years, my husband paid alimony –supposedly to finance the graduate degree that his ex was “cheated out of” when they divorced (he and I are both college professors and she was his wife, his benefits meant that she could have earned her graduate degree free of charge) –though I hasten to add that she has yet to complete one single graduate course, while I put myself through a Ph.D. program before we met and am still paying the loans; and she still refuses to even discuss the option of sharing the child exemption. All this time, everything that my husband and I earned went into a joint account–he literally could not have afforded to live unless this were the case–and my stepdaughter got everything she wanted (including private school tuition and all the extras–and there are SO many extras), no questions asked. After ten years of this (which also included ten years during which I didn’t and couldn’t even consider applying for other, better jobs elsewhere), I was mighty bitter. All of the indulgences came straight out of my husband’s guilt towards his daughter, his fear of being accused of not being a good father.
Last year, after far too much disrespectful, obnoxious teenaged behavior, I pulled myself out of all parenting and started disconnecting myself emotionally from this girl who was treating me so badly (after I’d raised her, literally, for half the week, every week since she was 3)–and I also opened my own checking account. Now, here’s the drill: we share household expenses evenly; we share expenses for our son evenly; everything else comes out of what each of us has left over. And guess what, girls? Suddenly, daddy can’t pay for half of that week-long (optional) class trip to Disney World. Without my money, daddy can’t afford the expensive summer “leadership academy.” Or the nutritionist. Or the clear braces (because the regular braces might damage the poor child’s self esteem).
And in the meantime, for the first time in my life, I find myself feeling more and more entitled to–and more financially able to–buy myself the clothes I love without always shopping off the sale rack!
April 13th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
We’re in the minority… we have always pooled our finances. We came into our marriage with almost equal assets and have built our estate together. Living in Canada, child support is regulated to a set amount by the parent’s income (not household), and my husband has always discussed extraordinary expenses with me before agreeing to pay anything. Now that we have a child of our own, we both agree that our child is entitled to twice what his children get. After all, my husband’s contribution is supposed to be just that… his half of his children’s upbringing. Therefore our child gets both of us contributing, which equals double the contribution. Sound unreasonable? It isn’t, unless people expect me to pay for kids who aren’t my own. My husband doesn’t expect it of me, and never has. Our wills reflect the same principal… our estate we consider jointly owned by us both, but my child alone will get my half.
April 13th, 2010 at 9:57 pm
My husband and I have always kept our finances separate. We were both previously married to people who loved to spend “our” money. We have never had an argument over finances. We split the bills loosely based on what each of us contributes to the household budget. He makes more, therefore he pays the bigger bills. We don’t share any credit cards. He pays child support and I receive child support. I realize he has to support his child so it really doesn’t bother me how much he pays. What bothers me is how little of it seems to go directly for anything for his daughter. She isn’t in any afterschool activities, no sports, lessons, nothing! Sometimes I think if a father is required to pay so much money then the mother should be required to prove that it goes to support the CHILD, not her own lifestyle.
April 13th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
Hi Wednesday -
Been out of touch for a few days, but today I dialed in to read this post. It’s incredible what over committed bio parents will do to emotionally/ financially support their kids at the expense of everyone else. The sacrifices they make certainly doesn’t serve the kids well to say nothing about the damage it does to the stepcouple. It’s hard to watch and even harder to advise against. It’s a loaded issue.
Thanks for writing about it!!
April 13th, 2010 at 11:47 pm
I read these articles and responses and feel almost stunned each time. My husband and I have joint finances and have for the almost 11 years of our marriage. We thought because the biomom was dysfunctional and virtually out of the picture that “we” should take care of his son and eventually our daughter evenly. I bought into the idea for a while. But when we created our will, I had second thoughts of leaving 50% to both children. My stepson would still get some inheritance from the family of his biomom. But I felt horrible mentioning it and horrible not mentioning it. Currently my stepson will get 50/50 of my husband’s share and 50/50 of my share minus other inheritance. But I actually want to give all of mine to my daughter. And now I don’t want to pay for all of his college (if he even goes). I have stated that his mother should pay for half. But I am beginning to wonder why I am responsible for even a quarter. So, I am beginning to read these blogs and I am processing and processing…
April 14th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Cindy, I hear you. Once my son was born, I changed my beneficiary and took my stepdaughter out altogether–my son gets everything that’s mine, and my stepdaughter gets nothing of mine. Each child gets 50% of their father’s assets. I feel utterly no obligation to her college tuition, none. For one thing, one of her father’s benefits as a college professor is free tuition at our university, so in my view, it’s already fully funded.
April 14th, 2010 at 10:53 am
Cindy–by all means leave your own money to your own daughter, and don’t pay for your husband’s kids’ college!
I am so glad I didn’t contribute to my partner’s kids’ college. Some of my partner’’s six kids worked hard in college and did well, but two of them drank and partied their way through college until they got kicked out. So glad my money didn’t go down that particular drain!
April 14th, 2010 at 10:55 am
Kathy: you said it: follow the money.
It’s all in Jane Austen.
April 14th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Wow. I am really, really on the other side. My husband and I are in the joint finances camp. We review the budget each month and tweak it where we need it. The child support comes out of one of my checks because that is the week that makes the most sense to pull it from.
If there is any discord about us spending too much on my stepkids, it is my husband getting after me. Rightfully so . . . the last conversation we had was Husband telling me we were NOT going to pay $40 for a school hoodie and that his daughter could earn the money for it. My contribiution was me sputtering on about how it was her senior year and last chance and all that. My husband was right; we are not trying to teach any of them to entitlement, but I do find myself on the sputtering end of things much more often than him.
In addition, Husband would currently like to move back to his hometown and I am balking. My job allows for a 50% college reimbursement for any dependents – stepchildren included. I WANT to stay here and help with their college education. If we could afford it, I would push for contributing to their college tuition. As our budget is tight, I am settling for paying for one household bill while they are in college. Husband and I are both in agreement, though, that no college equals no additional financial help from us.
I am happy to contribute financially to their lives. My will leaves my estate to them, divided amongst them equally.
I will say, though, that my stepkids treat me wonderfully. The oldest took more years than I would like to get to a truly happy point with me, but even she is a dream now. I think that fact alone plays a key part in what I am willing to put forth for their sake.
April 14th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
I had some idea how important this issue was to all of us (I include myself!) but am gratified to see you all here explaining how you handle your finances in a repartnership with kids, what works for some of you and what works for others, and what just doesn’t work. I was being a wiseacre when I wrote about A Bank Account of One’s Own. But now I’m thinking that equality in every way–whether it has to do with actually splitting the cash down the middle, keeping one’s own to oneself entirely, or merging it completely and being utterly respectful about the terms under which you’re sharing it–is the key here. Financial issues really are a lens unto the couple and whether it’s a partnership, or only masquerading as one, in my experience.
Erin,
Okay, I’ll take the bait here. Um, he has a mysterious, previously unknown kid pop up –but a dog is too much trouble and expense and would be the end of your marriage as far as your husband is concerned? That doesn’t sound like a partnership. Neither does the image of them all on Skype while you’re in the other room. What can you do to get your partnership more balanced and equitable? I’d like others to give you some ideas. And I’m rooting for you. This new development must have floored you and I’m guessing you and your husband are going to need some time to process and adjust. Is it annoying of me to suggest counseling? These seem like big and potentially heated topics. Good luck.
Other Side,
It’s no coincidence that your husband is an effective parent who does not suffer from the disease of parenting out of guilt that affects a huge number of divorced men who repartner. That basically engineers a scenario in which his kids know they have to treat you decently. So they have and they do. So that you, in turn, feel warm, loving, and generous financially (in other ways too, I’m sure) toward them. You’re living the magic equation that is missing from the lives of so many women with stepkids. Reading the other responses, you see what happens when one of the factors is out of whack. Things are in your favor here thanks to your husband. Glad it is working so well!
Da Wiznitch and Kathy,
The Austen and Wharton references couldn’t be more apt. Thanks to you both for what you do here whenever you come by and comment–you both always tweak my brain in ways I appreciate
Cindy,
Ah, the conundrum of feeling wicked if you say something, or getting sick with anger if you don’t–lots of us have done that dance. Will look forward to hearing more from you!
And Other Cindy (not sure if you’re the same person?) thank you for the laugh over your moniker, “Blackheart”–and you know I mean it as someone who titled her book Stepmonster!
Tracy,
You figured it out: talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about this stuff. Beforehand, ideally. Or, if it’s later in the game, it’s never to late to take a deep breath and talk very, very, calmly (dare I say, “robotically”) and logically on the heated topic, since that is what men appreciate.
Okay, last but not least I’m going to randomly select one of you at end of day tomorrow for a free copy of my book so check back in then.
xx wednesday
April 14th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
Wednesday, I am a CSM to a now-22-yr-old SD who is ADD, a Type 1 diabetic, and a classic “Failure to Launch” immature-for-her-age kid. To top it all off, her BM died of cancer two and a half years ago. I thought I was safe because when her dad and I got married, she was already 18, CS had just ended, and she was living with her BM and SF. Silly me!!! One month after our wedding, BM and SF threw her out of their house for various infractions (they were fully justified, IMHO). My rescuer/enabler DH took her in and here we are, four and a half years later, still waiting for the marriage and the life we planned on to start. He is a guilt-parent who does not hold her accountable for much of anything, and is simply incapable of teaching her to manage money (he’s not good at it, either). She runs through every dime she gets in no time flat, and my DH spends ridiculous amounts of money on an able-bodied adult who should be at least contributing to her own support.
My DH and I make very nearly the same amount. We split the mortgage, utilities, and other expenses of home ownership. We keep our money separate. Other than that indirect contribution (providing a roof over her head), I refuse to contribute a dime to my SD’s support. It grates on me severely that she’s still with us after all this time (and reading the comments to this post scares me even more!). We are in the process of making wills (way overdue) and I do not plan to leave her a cent. She already inherited a small amount when BM died, and DH will undoubtedly leave her everything he possibly can. She’s taken care of, IMO. DH, on the other hand….I have more in retirement savings than he does…..I’ll probably wind up supporting HIM instead, because he’s impoverished himself for years.
April 14th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
Just wanted to jump in again and say these stories are so powerful and revealing. Money problems and circumstances that affect stepfamilies are all here in this forum. There are no easy/pat answers or formulas Each situation is different as are the people living it. My heart goes out to those who have huge pressure on them to support many kids of all ages with individual needs and wants. And somehow they face up to the plate as best they can. It says a lot for today’s stepfamilies and stepcouples.
Thanks to Wednesday for encouraging these stories and responses.
April 15th, 2010 at 9:37 am
Thanks for reading and commenting, Susan, and for all the encouragement you provide for women with stepkids, and couples in a remarriage with kids (she invented the term “stepcouple,” folks)
xx wednesday
April 15th, 2010 at 11:59 am
It’s kind of sad that more than two hundred years after Jane Austen laid out the ways in which women’s lives are circumscribed by financial inequalities in marriage and in the working world, and a hundred or so years after Edith Wharton went over the same material, we still have these problems.
Well, the silver lining is, if you need material for your next novel, you got it.
April 15th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Hey Da Wiznitch, I’m on sabbatical this coming fall and I’m on the case! Not exactly a novel, but seriously, yes, I’ll be writing. If you’d like to advise me on it, maybe you could send me your email address through Wednesday? Or Wednesday, maybe you could send her mine? Only if you want to, DW, no pressure….
April 16th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Will do Kathy!
April 16th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Wednesday,
Lest I give the impression my steplife is perfect . . . Husband does struggle with guilt parenting. The kids would have rules – bedtimes, homework, and all – if I had not laid them out.
I am blessed enough to have a partner who realizes his weaknesses (guilt parenting) and will let me take the lead . . . and who helped me recognize mine (overcompensating for a lack of blood relation to the kids) so I could let him take the lead on other things.
I appreciate the time and consideration you put into your blogs. I also sincerely appreciate the responses. I learn a great deal from here. Thank you!
April 16th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
Ah. Money. I’d describe our situation as dysfunctional, at best. However, it seems to be working, and I guess at the end of the day, that’s the important thing.
I work at home on the internet, I used to have a very lucrative position in the city before we moved to the country to be closer to my husbands children.. my husband works as a contract officeworker in the city. My husband had no assets when we married, I (with the bank) owned 2 properties and had some cash. In his DisneyDadness, my husband and his kids are a black hole of need when it comes to money. I would have been completely sucked dry by now if I had not put my foot down, and also started hiding money.
We have semi-separated finances, in that there are some bills I cover, and some bills he covers. If he knows I have cash, he will spend his on the kids, and expect me to pay for the bills. Given many of them are in my name and I don’t want my credit to become damaged, I feel forced to pay his share. It’s better to cry poor and hang on to my money, than to be consumed with resentment.
I resent that we pay over 15k after tax a year for private school fees.. wouldn’t bother me at all if the kids appreciated their expensive educations and weren’t getting Ds and Es… with constant teacher feedback about how they disrupt class and could do so much better if they handed in their assignments. It means we can’t afford a second car, so I need to get my 18 month old out of bed before dawn every morning to drive my husband to the train station for work. It hardly seems fair.
When I have saved enough “secret cash” I’ll buy myself a car, and tell my husband that my parents gave me the money.
I got so sick of fighting about it. I was never really going to be heard on the “what is mine is mine, and what is yours is mine too” attitude my husband has. I know hiding money isn’t good. But I feel less resentful and the fights have stopped, so that is something I guess!
April 17th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
are you seriously paying for his kids’ private school tuition and they’re getting Ds and Es anna? because it you are contributing and they’re getting Ds and Es, why don’t you STOP? why don’t you tell your husband you won’t contribute since it goes against what you believe to bankroll kids not your own who are making no effort, and that’s all there is to it? period. stop giving to ingrates and you will stop resenting is my advice. it’s great that you’re hiding your money, if you ask me. but now why don’t you stop diverting any of it to them, and use that money for tuition to get yourself another car so you and that baby don’t have to get up so early?
April 18th, 2010 at 5:17 am
I have to tip my hat to you Wednesday for the timeliness of her message. After posting something here on 4/13, I found out that my husband’s ex has filed to get more child support. She quit a good job to go to school for something totally unrelated (and doesn’t pay better) and because she now has no income my husband will have to pay double the child support. Double! This will be a very big hardship for us, but it looks like we either pay her or pay a lawyer. Either way we don’t do well. How is it she can quit supporting her kids because she wants to indulge her whims and my husband has to pick up the slack? This is so frustrating.
April 18th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
taryn.. I’m not paying – directly. But husband will paid for them himself, and extras for the kids, and then had no $$ left to pay for his share of the household bills, especially if he knew I had some $$. I then coughed up because I don’t want to sit in the dark or have my credit ruined by an overdue electricity bill. When he thinks I’m broke, he manages his money better and just doesn’t pay for extras for the kids. He’s getting better over time.. now that he knows that I won’t be bailing him out, because I’m “broke” too.
The kids school fees are his top priority, financially. We definitely come second. I now put my child and I first as well.. I put $$ aside for the car, for my own child’s education, and I put $$ aside for my 401k (something husband has not done in years) and what is left I “declare” to him. So.. often I AM broke after putting $$ aside for all those things.
I hate that I dare not get a half decent haircut on a regular basis though.. that alerts him to the fact that I have “spare cash” for him to co-opt. I sneak new clothes in, or tell him my Mother or a friend gave them to me, or I got them at a sale for $2m or from goodwill. I don’t like living like this.. but it beats the alternatives.
The oldest child finishes school in two years or so.. hopefully it will be a different ball game then. I have made it very VERY clear that if he decides to pay for college for this child, I will be leaving. The kid can get loans like his father and I had to, enough is enough.
April 21st, 2010 at 10:00 am
Hi Wednesday!
Sorry so late to the money party…I heard you were giving out Ben Franklins…haha!
On a serious note, my husband and I are joint on everything. Although I’m joint on his account, I don’t use it. It’s his mad money account. He’s joint on my account and even has his check direct deposited into it because I pay all the bills with my account.
Together, we have six kids (adults) – his four and my two. We have no child support payments as he is the custodial parent to the last birdie in the nest. We also do not receive child support (waived it). Neither of us are guilt ridden, disneyland mom/dad parents. (Hubs wanted to put a rental agreement letter in his son’s 18th birthday card…no guilt on his part!) We help our kids out because our kids are willing to help themselves.
None of our kids mooch or leech. I will do for them what my parents did for me – help them out when they need it.
The important thing is that my husband and I talk about our finances. We talk about our dreams, goals, direction as a couple. And one time…(because my honey has an awful relationship with money and I don’t)…I had my financial advisor come to the house and have a chat with both of us. It really helped him understand that a simple answer isn’t always so simple when it comes to money.
To me, money is a thing. You can’t take a bath with it, you can’t make your guilt go away by throwing it your kids, and you certainly can’t take it with you when you die. Money is a tool and too often people confuse it with an emotion.
Great post!
Peggy
July 17th, 2010 at 8:14 am
We’ve been married for 10 years, with his, mine and ours kids (one boy in each category). Our finances have always been 100% separate. We earn within 10% of each other, with the “top earner” changing periodically. Our assets are separate as well and work out to be about equal (he owns the home…did before I moved in, I have cash savings roughly equal to his equity). The bills are assigned to each person in their entirety, so we never have to negotiate who pays what or who used what. He’s responsible for housing and most utilities, I’m responsible for food, childcare, kids clothing, health insurance and medical copays/coninsurance, recreation, internet access, cell phones, etc…Cars are owned, paid for, repaired and insured separately. It works out roughly evenly. Each of our financial dealings with our respective exes is our own business and not the other’s problem.
The most important thing we’ve done, and easily agreed on, was to choose to live a lifestyle that costs at least 30% less than we could actually afford. This has enabled us to absorb set backs like unemployment, unanticipated medical bills or car repairs, etc…without major stress.
So far this works great, we have never argued about money and if one of us wants to buy “extras” for a kid, the other doesn’t have to subsidize it.
August 12th, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I have been raising two step-daughters in the home I share with my husband since they were 4 and 5. Their biological mother was virtually disappeared for the first 10 years of their lives (she left when they were babies) but after she became pregnant when the oldest daughter was 12, she has been more involved. She only works under the table, she lives in welfare housing and she does not drive. She does have a male partner. She is pregnant again. Meanwhile in the last 3 years, she has served as the sounding board for both of my teenaged step-daughters. It is me (as always) who drives them two and from school and practices, helps them do their homework and takes care of them when they are sick. They call both of us “Mom” but since the biological mother returned on the scene, she gets all of the affection and I get all of the anger and bitterness and meanness. When I was pregnant with my one and only biological child (now 2) they were relentlessness cruel to me throughout the pregnancy.
I have a good education and a good job and I work hard to support my family. I make more money than my husband. The biological mother pays nothing. I am now looking at returning to work extra hours to help finance the two now-ungrateful and ever-angry step-daughters who break my heart regularly by being cruel. The biological mother is having another welfare baby with whom she will be able to stay home.
I am angry and resentful. I love my husband and don’t want to create a rift but I really think I need to separate my finances. I would be willing to take on total financial responsibility for my 2 year old (I do that anyway) but I do not want to go broke paying for the older girls.
Is it possible at this point for me personally to not be responsible for paying their college tuition? I want to tell my husband that I am not willing to work more hours because I want to be home part-time with my daughter and I am already making more money than him (he works full-time). I want to say that I will be responsible for half of shared bills and expenses but he is responsible for the older girls. I don’t know if that is possible at this point.
August 27th, 2012 at 4:24 pm
I am 45 yrs old, my husband is 53. My husband has a 24 yr old son, a 33 yr old married daughter and 3 grandkids. I have 4 daughters (3 adult and 1 ten yr old) of my own. The area of finances is a major issue for me. I owned my own business before I married him. I made over 150k, owned my home, provided financially for my girls and still managed to save a generous amount of money for rainy day expenses. My husband on the other hand, was in real-estate and made great money when it was booming. But because of guilt issues he made monthly car payments on both of his adult kids new cars, payed their car insurance, cell phone bills and bailed them out of every financial crises. He had very little money when i came into the picture. When we married, my husband moved into my home, we joined forces in my business and after 5 years have been able to expand my original business into 4 offices. Unfortunately, I was naive and because my parents were a team in everything, a “joint bank account” seemed like to the committed thing to do at the time. How wrong I was! I immediately put a stop to free car payments, insurance and cell phones. Even my step son in law had free cellphone service, courtesy of my husband. LOL! Of course all hell broke loose when I insisted on that arrangement. Their semi rude attitude with me changed into down right ignoring, storming out of family gatherings, etc., We recently paid cash for our new home using the savings I had before I married him because he thought it he would be better if we had a home that was “ours” vs my home prior to him. Because my husband is a caring loving stepdad to my 10 year old daughter, I was more than happy to contribute to creating a new home for our new family. However, now his adult kids think we’re “rich”. They think dad is still their bank and they our business and its proceeds are available to them because he works with me to run the business. I am now concerned that he is still secretly helping them here and there. I now want to separate finances somehow but with the 4 offices being run on one general account how do I go about doing this? I can’t stand the idea of how hard I have worked my whole life to provide for my girls and a nest egg for them when I’m gone. Now I feel I have two adult vultures who I have no relation to, circling my savings, my business (where is their inheritance if dear old dad dies?) and my retirement. I also have my 10 yr old to think of. Please assist in providing me a counselor in my area that deals with stepfamilies and the complicated issues that come up when dealing with finances. My husband is really hurt when I bring up money issues and insists his kids deserve to be included in our will. I WILL NOT provide financially for two rude adults who take, take and take, and who never say thank you nor acknowledge me in anyway.
August 27th, 2012 at 5:31 pm
I forgot to mention I live in the Las Vegas area for a referral to step family counseling
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April 5th, 2013 at 4:43 am
this is something I need to understand. as a matter of fact this topic scares me in a sense. im 25 yrs old with two little girls. dads a dead beat who does provide for his children. I have a boyfriend who is my age also has two kids and lives at his moms house because they take so much money out of his check for child support, dental and insurance for the kids he get about 80 bucks a week if hes lucky. might I add the two kids hav different mothers so they both get a huge amount. I get no help but stuck paying for everything. not to mention we live an hour away I pay for traveling expenses, food, house items, entertainmemt, for both of us. I pay for his cell and help him pay his bills. when he has his kids every other weekend I have to pay gor two adults and four kids, its catching on to me. its costing me to b behind on my bills I dont think its fair that I hav all this on my plate while two women r just spending that child.support money on crap while I wrk my butt off to help him support himself and his kids.
I want to giv my kids the best, especially because I wrk so hard. I go to school fulltime n work fulltime, who helps me … no one. I dont know how to put a stop to this. I need to for the sake of my own kids.