Do You Do Too Much? Feel Stepped On?–How You Can End the Stepmartyr Cycle
Ever feel like even she might find stepmothering a trial sometimes?
Jacque Fletcher, author of the important and supremely helpful book Becoming a Stepmom and www.becomingastepmom.com, invited me to discuss “Stepmartyr Syndrome” with her several weeks ago for her terrific weekly podcast series. Here’s the show. Have a listen and then tell me about it: Have you ever done so much for your husband’s kids or your husband and his kids that you started to resent it? What were you doing? How did you change it. Are YOU a stepmartyr?
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, Jacque Fletcher, podcast, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepmartyr, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
May 10th, 2010 at 11:32 am
Well once again I guess you’re in my head Wednesday! Is this ever just-right timing for me. What a wake up call, recently it was my stepdaughter’s 21st birthday. Instead of bending over backwards for no thanks I decided that this time my husband and his ex could be totally in charge. I just told my husband I have a feeling she would be happier and I know I would be happier if these bdays were arranged by her parents. She had a party with her mom and a party with us. I did nothing except smile and wish her a happy birthday. My husband bought and wrapped her present, ordered the cake himself, bought the candles, put up the happy birthday banner, called her friends, mixed the drinks, you name it, he did it.
As a result I was not running around feeling resentful that I couldn’t pay attention to my own two littler kids while slaving away for someone who didn’t want me to do it anyway and can’t be bothered to say THANKS. And I suddently realized, she wants DAD to do stuff for her! Not me! I get in the way of him somehow proving to her that he will make an effort on her behalf. So why am I doing it if it makes no one happy? Like you said I asked myself, What am I getting out of this stepmartyr thing? Why do I’m feeling I’m SUPPOSED to do too much?
Answer: I don’t know but it’s good to be done!!
May 10th, 2010 at 11:39 am
’stepmartyr’ used to describe me to a ‘t.’ i drove myself pretty crazy trying and trying. finally one day when i was complaining to my sister, she told me, ‘if you didn’t do anything you’d have less to feel angry about.’ first i was insulted but it rang so true. what i was doing: everyone’s laundry (that’s a lot with three s’kids old enough to do their own), dinner every night and paying for extras myself. last summer i told my hubby “i’m on strike” to keep the tone light but i said i’m getting too angry so i’ll do less. maybe you can make a chore chart or something.
it was 3 weeks of total hell and chaos and filth. at which point i stayed at my sister’s for a few days. my husband was so mad but i didn’t take the bait just stayed so calm and said this is the way it is. well he made a chore chart!! it’s not perfect but they all pitch in, the kids are each responsible for dinner one nite when they’re with us for every other week. it is actually now fun for them. they switch cooking and clean up nites and do their laundry, dad taught them how! bottom line is i feel better and just do it ladies. do less it helps.
May 10th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Great story, Alison.
I never tried to do much for my stepchildren, but they hated me anyway. Their dad and I took turns cooking. I think that even though I did almost nothing for them, it was still too much, because their mother does exactly zero: no cooking, no cleaning. Just sits and watches tv.
The podcast was very interesting. There was one issue I didn’t hear addressed, and I haven’t read much about it either: the martyr Dad. My partner is a dad-martyr. He grew up with an abusive father, and found it easiest just to submit to his dad’s demands and anger. He married a very domineering woman, and she pretty much totally controlled him and the entire household. By the end of the marriage, his role was to bring home the paycheck, and do all the cooking and shopping and all the housework that got done. He had no authority in the household; his wife made all the financial decisions and otherwise. She made some bad ones: they went bankrupt.
When I met him, his kids were in the habit of talking very disrespectfully to him, disobeying him openly, and calling him in the middle of the night to come get them at a friend’s house an hour away. This happened all the time. I was pretty shocked by their arrogance and their bossiness. I spoke up right away about their complaining about his cooking, and that stopped pretty quickly. But the other behaviors did not stop.
(Part of their contempt arises from the fact that he is the only non-Catholic in the family, and even in their social circle.)
In keeping with my policy to stay out of his parenting business, I let things go along like this for seven years until their disrespectful and intimidating behavior toward me became so egregious that I had to set a boundary. (See the boundary post for how that turned out.) My partner did not support me in setting this boundary. The result was almost catastrophic.
Three years later I had to do it again, with a different adult child. Again he didn’t support me. I have been very angry about this. He will not speak up at these boundary-setting sessions, even if we plan in advance what he will say. I end up out there alone, trying to protect our relationship. I feel as if he is hiding behind me, and that I am his human shield.
We talked about it the other day in the calm way that Wednesday recommends. He said that when he was a child, he knew he was in a dysfunctional family, and he promised himself he would create something better with his own children. But it became horrible and hostile, like his family of origin. So then he thought that if he got together with me, that it would be all wonderful, as he had always dreamed family life could be.
What I learned from this is that my partner has very romantic, somewhat unrealistic ideas about family life: he thinks that it should be conflict-free, unlike the world outside the home, and that he shouldn’t have to have conflict resolution skills. His only strategy is to give in to whatever the dominant people demand. He thinks that’s the loving thing to do. In fact it has created some narcissistic stepchildmonsters. He is beginning to realize this, but he is still a long way from being able to be even a little bit assertive with domineering people.
I think the source of the trouble in our family is that he expects me to be as submissive toward dominant people as he is, because that’s what “nice” people do. I think nice people are assertive people, and I practice assertiveness in my own family as well as his. I think he is somewhat shocked by this. In his world, there are only two kinds of people: the dominants and the submissives. The dominants are “mean” and the submissives are “nice.”
I also realized that in the background are his abandonment fears: his mother died when he was a baby, and then his stepmother died. ON some level I think he believes that if he crosses people at all, they will disappear from his life. This is a recurrent theme in our conversations about his kids.
Maybe my partner had an unusually traumatic childhood, filled with loss and abuse, but I wonder if one reason that many stepmothers become stepmartyrs is because the dads are martyrs too. Certainly WM touched on the dad’s expectations as being a big factor in the creation of stepmartyrs.
I don’t want to be my partner’s fixer or therapist, but he needs something to break out of this habit of submitting to all the humiliations and abuses that he readily accepts and expects me to accept.
May 10th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
For me it was a matter of really accessing my resentment feelings, of seeing my anger to get me to realize I had to do something. How could I be lovingly doing all these martyr things when I was seething with anger. Mother Theresa wouldn’t know anger so how come I did? Then I needed help to validate my anger and not making that wrong and wanting to hide. I do agree with you and Jacquelyn that most of us doormats cannot do it alone. I was too confused to see what really was going on and I was also too fearful for the consequences and being rejected. So talking to other women really helped, to hear them saying to me over and over again that I was doing the right thing was such a godsend. Then to practice setting boundaries was the next thing and I remember running afterwards to those women to keep being encouraged because it is so true, in the beginning all my boundary setting came out so wrong.
Going from martyrdom to ‘I matter’ is a whole process but I am so thrilled that it is something we can learn IF we are really committed and after realizing how manipulative our martyrdom really is. Martyrdom was about ME, NOT about the people I loved and finally seeing that shocked me to the core and made me want to change.
Thank you both, love Wilma
May 11th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Am I a stepmartyr? I guess the answer now is a big “No,” but I thin it’s my natural tendency. I just want to please, and to be liked, like Wilma and the other posters.
My husband like Wiznitch’s is a bit of a martyr too. Well, really passive. Then it affects me that he can’t draw the line, I want to jump in and do it but am afraid of disapproval/being disliked/thought wicked so I don’t. It’s hard and I am trying to shrug off my need for his (adult!) kids to like me. One thing is no one warned me that it was so hard to have ADULT stepkids, it would all be over when they graduated high school was my thought and I have a hard time with how the demands and entitlement go on and on. Thank you for listening thank you for the podcase, no more stepmartyrdom for me I hope.
May 11th, 2010 at 9:23 am
I am a recovering Stepmartyr. When I first got married I did everything and I do mean everything. I did laundry, packed lunches and took the SK to and from school, practice, everywhere. I attended every dance recital, band concert and basketball game. I made sure there favorite foods were in the house, wonderful meals and desserts all the time, all of it. Now, no way. I have SK’s that won’t even acknowledge my existence. AND, I got absolutely no support or gratitude from my husband. Once I understood that you can’t make someone like you, I stopped. I was doing all the ‘right’ things and was met with resentment and anger. I picked up a second job and am now rarely around when his kids are there. I don’t love that I have to leave the comfort of my own home, but it sure beats the cold unsupportive shoulder I get at home.
I must admit, as a natural pleaser and “doer” it is hard to shut the valve without feeling a bit (or a lot) of guilt. Ahhhh….
May 11th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
I have been a residential stepmother for 10 years. I took on the role that the absent out-of-state biomom coined for me: the “everyday Mom”. I wanted to believe it would work and my husband wanted to believe it would work. I stepped in and did the laundry, school paperwork, made dental and doctor appointments, HW, read books, assigned chores, cooked meals, made lunches, played games, attended sports, you name it. But after our child was born, I think things started to unwind. I worked full-time to put my husband through school and grad school. I took care of two children and it was noted that I was not being as loving and equitable to both. I thought it was my own defect and lack of natural affection and my own child somehow broke down the barriers for me. I began questioning my husband’s responsibilities in that I would think he had two children and I only had one. A very difficult event made our living situation worse and my husband and my goal of having me be a part-time worker and my husband full-time was not feasible. He needed to be home to take care of his kid and we wanted a parent home to take care of our kid. So I continued to be the greater source of income and health care. Biomom off and on provided some monetary support. I don’t even know what reasonable financial child support is. Things have been difficult for awhile, but my husband actual found Wednesday’s book and gave it to me. It spoke to a lot of my feelings of guilt and inadequacy and I think my husband understands more now to. I still am working too much and now don’t want to be responsible for any of the monetary support of a now teenage SK. I have down more than enough. But navigating this territory is very, very difficult and has led to numerous arguments with my husband. And it is very confusing and causes many conflicted feelings. I feel on one hand that I am being ungrateful and stingy when I bring up these issues and seem to hurt my husband, but the other side of me that says that I shouldn’t have to be financially responsible. So, being a stepmartyr is difficult and unwinding the patterns is also difficult.
May 11th, 2010 at 10:56 pm
This notion has me thoughtful of the bind that stepmartyrs are in. I failed as a custodial stepmom (or rather as the everyday mom) and I have felt bad about myself and guilty. Now, as I try to adjust the dynamics to my new reduced role (which includes finances and parenting) I again feel bad about myself and guilty. I wonder sometimes if the things I did right and the time, energy, and financial support will all be forgotten in my not living up to expectations and then stepping back…
May 12th, 2010 at 7:44 am
Tabitha: I was surprised too at the continuing hostility of adult stepchildren. I also thought that when they graduated from high school, they would sort of lose their obsession with their parents’ divorce and with me and move on to the wider world. I thought they would fall in love, become interested in some kind of work, etc, and forget about me. I thought that if I could hang in there till all six turned eighteen, that I would “win.” Wrong!
I think there were several reasons why some of them couldn’t “move on.” One was the continuing dependence of their mother, who can’t take care of herself: they feel as if they have to take care of her, and they resent it, and end up blaming their dad (and me). I think they think that if their parents had stayed married, their dad would have continued taking care of their mom financially, emotionally, etc. (For the record, there’s nothing wrong with her physically really; she just can’t handle her own finances, etc.)
Another reason is that for whatever reason, most of them have chosen to stay in, or return to, the city they grew up in, rather than moving to other parts of the country as many young people do nowadays during college and graduate school. So they are still around in a way, but not always in a positive way.
One thing i have also noticed about adult stepchildren is that some of them will be pretty nice when they are still in college, while they need their parents’ financial support, but when they get a job or get married or otherwise become more financially independent, they stop caring what you think, and they can be quite rude. Somebody mentioned a few days ago on this blog that she got along with her stepdaughter pretty well until the stepdaughter became engaged, and then suddenly the stepdaughter didn’t want the stepmom at her wedding and said that she had always “despised” her stepmother. I imagine that this young woman suddenly decided she had a husband now and didn’t need help any more from her parents, so why bother to be nice. Sounds harsh but a lot of people make very mercenary calculations about whom to be nice to.
May 12th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Hello Everyday,
A couple of things: keep on acting on your principles and sticking to them. Otherwise you will feel compromised and resentful. It’s the way you do it that counts. Money is a very charged issue, especially where it intersects with “being maternal.” But nowhere is it written that you must or should support your husband’s child. And no family therapist worth his or her salt would tell you that you “ought to.” No way. Money is a topic that is fair game for negotiation and totally up for discussion with couples, particularly those in a remarriage with kids. I urge you to step back and think about how normal and natural it is for you to feel more motivated to support your own child, and allow your husband to support his children. Paying for his kid does not make you a better person, woman, or stepmother. It would make many of us resentful, and so we don’t. So keep having those discussions calmly calmly calmly and with a knowledgeable couples therapist helping you and your husband have the discussion if necessary.
No one’s judgment or opinion is as important here as your own and your husband’s. Once you’re both on the same page, nothing can stop you or come between you. Good luck.
Talia,
I don’t like you avoiding your home any more than you do! You’ve taken some steps to decrease your resentment. Now let’s think about what you can do so that you are a full participant and equal partner in your home with your partner. Let’s get you there!
DW, always fascinating and insightful analysis from you. I know from my research that you and Tabitha are not alone in finding the waters of remarriage to a man with adult kids occasionally fraught and even perilous. Interesting point you make about “needing” to be nice and not needing to be nice….I guess if one has a mercenary parent, as you say, one learns that relationships are a means to an end. And then no longer necessary. Sad. I have seen these relationships really improve when the young adults grow up and move on and become less invested in the drama of “where do I fit in with dad and his wife”–I only wish that were the outcome for all of you.
I also think you’re really onto something here–men who are permissive or weak parents sometimes unconsciously expect their wives/partners to be stepmartyrs, without even examining that assumption. Uh-oh!
xx wednesday
June 8th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Great blog… I just found it today. It’s so great to be here. I wish I had found it when I got married about 2 years ago. I have to say that I went through the awful stages of being newly married, being a step parent, blah, blah, blah in a period of 9 – 10 months.
It was interesting to hear Wednesday mention something “our partners may want us to take the responsibility but that doesn’t mean the bio parent does”. This is exactly what my husband & I went through. I come from a culture where the person that gave birth to you is not necessarily the only person who is going to raise you or even discipline you. All adults in the family (extended family) get to raise you. So, it was fine that I started caring for my husband’s son but everyone was not happy about that. Also, it became as if my husband and I got married to raise a child rather than to be partners. I was not happy about that. I hated my life and I so so disliked my husband. I was angry all the time and would keep myself busy to avoid going home or spending time with him. I did hit rock bottom when I said that things have to change or he (my hubby) could find a new wife because I didn’t sign up for this type of life.
I wish I had the space to share how I went about being in this peaceful space step by step with other stepparents.
I was very resentful and angry because I became a single mom to my step/bonus child. My husband was out of town a lot or working 14-16 hours so the days my husband’s son was with us, I did everything. After about 2-3 months into my marriage, I started to dislike what my life was becoming because I didn’t know it would be so difficult once I got married. It’s not that I was taking care of things but that I was a single mom to my s/kid. Think about that for a moment.
I was blessed with great negotiation and listening skills so I played the cards right. This is what I did – Very calmly spoke with my husband about the situation. I explained to him that given the time and energy what is it that I could afford to provide to my husband’s son in my husband’s absence. Before we got married, we had already established that I was not going to contribute financially to his son’s expenses, except for b’day & xmas gifts. If I could afford to raise another human being, I would have a child of my own (adopt even). I’m not so he didn’t expect me to. I told him that I don’t want to be a parent which is so different than saying that I don’t want to take over your responsibilities. I said that I will be his help and bio moms help when they needed it but I will wash off my hands when he (my husband) was in town. I don’t enjoy going to kids sports, so I will not. And then I mentioned what responsibilities I will take – homework, picking up or dropping off (when hubby out of town), safety of his son. I will never be mean or disrespect to his son and will provide love and maybe that’s all the s/kid wants from me. He wants his dad to take him on vacation, to sports, to hang out, to do all other stuff and that my husband shouldn’t expect me to take care of stuff just because he is busy. I mentioned that he needed to change his lifestyle because I changed mine. Let’s meet half way.
I spoke with the bio mom too. I am lucky that the nastiness of biomom only lasted 4-5 months because I never encouraged anything and I just called her out (without disrespecting her) when something didn’t settle with me. My line – I feel like this when you say or do this. I’m not mad but I’m requesting that I be talked to like this and if there is something you want me to do or not do, be direct and don’t hesitate to just say it so long you are not using words that kids are not allowed to use. Worked wonders. I have to say bio mom is very nice and she & I share notes about my s/kid. I have to say that I got pretty lucky that biomom is pretty nice person and I think she was mean in the beginning cuz her son liked me & talked about me a lot. He still does but biomom is fine with it now because during our conversations I mentioned that I don’t want to be a parent but a care taker so please let me know when you need help and I will not butt in anything until I am asked. I have background in child psychology, so she now trusts and asks for help with her son’s behavior etc.
I had a chat with my s/kid. I told him that his parents have given me the responsibility to love him and care for him and I will try my best to do that. When and if anything bother him about my ways, he can feel free to tell his mom, dad, or me. I told him that I am not his mom or dad and can’t do all that mom and dad do but I will spend 2-3 hours of quality time with him every day that he’s with us. It’s his time so we’ll do whatever he wants to do. We have pretty long conversations. One of our conversations in a car – I asked him how could he tell that I loved him. He said, ” Because you are nice to me and you take care of me and you tell me that all the time.” then i asked him if he loved me and his response, ” I don’t love you like I love my mom but I like you.” I liked that so much. It assured me that he’s comfortable with me and he knows that he can tell me anything that’s on his mind. Believe me, he does and it’s not always fun.
Lastly, I said that I am not a stepmom, but a bonus parent to my bonus child and a bonus help to the biomom and a wife to my husband (not his son’s care taker or bonus mom).
In the end I have to say, it’s hard, no, it’s very very hard to do all this. It’s like you have to hit rock bottom before you know what to do.
Ok, another sad thing is that people around you say, ” You knew this before you got into it.” No, I didn’t. I knew it would be different but not so disfunctional. How many people know exactly how a new job will be? None, no one… You don’t know what exactly will you like or dislike about your job, your co-workers, your office, the smell, the commute, etc. No one knows. I agree with Wednesday that if people around you can’t support you, why keep them around you. They suck your energy by making stupid remarks anyway.
Well, I’m glad that I got to share and that I found this blog. Thank you all for sharing.