Will You Divorce? One Factor Puts You At Greatest Risk
Not a pretty picture
There’s been a lot of talk in the media recently about the “science” of a healthy, happy marriage. Based on the last decade of research, experts have identified some factors that put a marriage at risk for divorce. Have a look at my latest post for psychologytoday.com on the topic…and tell me about it: Have you ever considered divorce in your remarriage/repartnership with children? What changed your mind?
Tags: blended family, divorce, divorce with children, family, predictors of divorce, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
May 27th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Have I ever considred divorce?? Only every single day for the first five years we were married!!! Oh, that was rough–my kids and his were all teens and I was about to jump out of a window, I was so mad at him constantly.
Your book helped us find a “fighting style” that was not so destructive as all the accusing. I try to find the “middle” and it has worked. It doesn’t hurt that all the kids are out of the house now
Thank you God!!
May 27th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Oh yeah. Almost constantly in the beginning…. At heart he’s a good guy. Misguided but good. That changed my mind.
May 27th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Wow…as a single dad with 2 daughters, this is kind of depressing. Just exiting a relationship with a woman that had 2 kids of her own, and I can relate first hand to the struggles you talk about. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about A) the possiblity of finding anyone near term, and B) if I do, how will I set expectations with my own kids about what the role will be with stepmom/girlfriend. Part of being a good parent is showing them what its like to be in a loving relationship (at least it is to me) so I would like to figure this out. Ugh.
May 27th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Mark,
And you will! Figure it out, I mean. Re-read the end of the article and, at the risk of sounding self-promoting, read my book Stepmonster. It is true that people beat these harrowing odds every single day by taking relatively simple steps that are marriage or relationship-altering. Like learning a healthy arguing style–because there will be fights. Like letting go of the fantasy of “blending” or being “another parent”–which takes the pressure off all around. Like getting educated about the typical, if difficult, dynamics of a remarriage with kids, so you don’t feel like it’s your own or your partner’s own personal failure.
The other bit of good news: there are now more therapists with training in this area, who can advise, listen, and guide you. The time post break-up is tough but with reasonable expectations and the commitment you’re showing, you can make this work next time. Good luck, keep us posted.
xx wednesday
May 27th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
LOL about the “almost every day” comments, that would be me for the first few years and then we started seeing our minister. Thank goodness his philosophy was “Put your wife first and things will fall into place.” Boy I loved him for that! And it worked! We still go back to our minister for this type of work for “tune ups” and sometimes if we’re feeling nervous or stressed before big events with my husband’s kids or stressful times (a wedding coming up) and it has been miraculous. Thank you so much for your book, I told my minster about it and he bought it and is reading it. I give it to my friends with stepkids too.
May 27th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
Dear Wednesday, for the purposes of counting the “if you survive the first five years of remarriage with children,” when do you start counting if you haven’t actually married? My fiancé and I have been together four years, and we moved in together one year ago. He has two children (a 14 year old who lives with us halftime and her mother halftime, and a 19 year old who lives with his mother but visits us frequently). I have no kids. Do we start counting the five years from when we moved in together? We are engaged but don’t plan to marry until both kids finish college. Thanks forany insight.
PS: so far, despite their mom’s best efforts, we both have strong relationships with both kids and a strong bond with each other.
May 28th, 2010 at 7:15 am
Thank you for this insightful article! Do you know if anyone has taken a look at whether the likelihood of divorce in a remarriage increases with each additional child/stepchild in the family? For example, is a stepfamily with one child less likely to divorce than a stepfamily with three children?
Paula Bisacre
Publisher
http://www.remarriagemag.com
May 28th, 2010 at 9:39 am
Goodness, YES! I have considered divorce – unfortunately. My kids are in college and his kids are always around. I do mean always. They are not engaged or active and I find the weeks when we have them to be the ultimate stress test. Their constant presence coupled with the fact that they completely ignore me, makes me wonder why would I stand for this? Because I love their father. I cling to the times when they are not present and the fun we have and how much we connect. They will eventually leave and live their own lives and I want to share the rest of my years with this guy.
Stepmothering is not for the faint of heart….
May 29th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Dear Paula,
Great question and I have not found any studies about whether the number of step/children per se increases the stressors/tensions/likelihood of divorce. However, E. Mavis Hetherington, author of the Virginia Longitudinal Study and For Better or for Worse, writes that stepfamilies “are subject to the law of moving parts.” The more parts, the greater the likelihood of mechanical issues and breakdowns! So it would follow that lots of step/kids = lots of agendas and issues to sort through. However I’m not aware of any studies on number of stepchildren and likelihood of marital dissolution.
That said, there is one undeniable finding which is that in situations where both partners have kids from a previous marriage or partnership, the chance of divorce is much higher than if only one does.
Thanks for reading and for your great work on behalf of stepfamilies, Paula!
xx wednesday
May 29th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
HI Anonymous,
Your “PS” says it all. Look, statistics are just statistics and people beat them every day. So I would say, just feel good that you are getting through these teen years with your marital bond strong, as you say! There isn’t a lot of research on partnership dissolution versus divorce in stepfamilies. But I”m predicting your life will get easier and your marriage even less stressed once the 14 year old has “fledged.” Something to look forward to. Glad you’re on a smooth path!
Talia, well said. They will leave and your marriage will stay. They’re annoying now, but will become different people in time. Time will tell. Meanwhile, glad you’re holding steady.
thanks for reading and commenting, xx wednesday
June 1st, 2010 at 3:51 am
Have I ever considered divorce- oh yes, many times. I think it’s only my own stubborn refusal to go through the humiliation of another divorce that has kept me here, when its been really bad, anyway. Oh, and my love for my husband. Nearly five years in, and another child will be away at College in September, leaving us with the two youngest. Sometimes, the past year year has felt like the worst of all, I had so much wanted the worst to be over, and it hasn’t been anywhere near over. But I’ve followed the Stepmonster path- detached myself from the mothering role and worked less hard to please. It’s worked, I’m impressed and surprised, especially with Stepdaughter.
However, Stepson has upped the ante before he leaves- he has developed a series of minor ailments and kind of demanded that someone “mother” him. I’ve mostly watched my own annoyance with his neediness and been caring, but detached, letting my husband be the voice of sympathy. I wonder what will happen after he leaves home. I hope that he will be able to cope. Summer approaches with all four of them around. Help!
June 2nd, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Hi Nelly,
Well, you love your husband. Here’s a good place to start, and stick! I want to hear more about your adventures in detachment. I think your strategy to let your husband parent his son is a wise one. This is good practice for the upcoming summer months. I’ve written an article for StepMom magazine about just this conundrum. The summer months are difficult for so many stepfamilies and women with stepchildren in particular. Stick to this path that is working for you. Don’t forget when your stepchildren are all around to surround yourself with YOUR friends, family, people who make you feel supported and in good company. Too many women with stepkids simply flee the house when the kids with whom there are problems are around. It’s nice to take a break, and necessary, and I advise it. But I also advise women who feel isolated and shut out when his kids are around to bulwark, bulwark, bulwark with their own friends and family, so they don’t feel they’re hiding out or shut out of them own homes. Extra added benefit: kids of all ages like a busy, happy household and many feel relieved when it’s not just “us, dad, and stepmom”–it’s a welcome respite from all the relating to have other interesting adults/friends/relatives of stepmom’s around.
Remember to keep activities with his kids side to side rather than eyeball to eyeball. Come up with a plan for the kids to be helpful and pitching in so you don’t feel depleted and resentful. And make a pact with your husband about time for yourself, and time for yourselves as a couple.
And keep us posted.
xx wednesday
June 5th, 2010 at 7:40 am
Thank you, Wednesday
I’ll keep you posted, your advice has been absolutely the best. I have never previously managed to make sense of it all, especially the way my bereaved stepchildren yo-yo and the pressure that puts on our marriage. Letting go of the “parent” role has made everything easier right now, but I know it will be a challenge to maintain, I’ve only just started, in reality. I think the lack of consultation may make life difficult- I am having to finance (partially) my stepkids through college, but they will prefer to keep to the fiction that it’s only their dad they have to thank.
As for the Summer, I’ve taken your hint about inviting plenty of kindred spirits around to dilute the stepfamily dynamic. My big challenge is to think of a side by side activity with my stepson, with whom I have the least in common. By the way, he seems to have experienced an amazing recovery! His dad understood that he has to take responsibility for the parenting role, and he acknowledged that he has never been very comfortable with having to be a bit like a mother and feeling a bit feminised. However, it isn’t something that he can easily delegate. This does put a huge pressure on our marriage, as the temptation to be disappointed in me (by father and his children) can cast a long shadow over my sense of success and value. At least I can see it now!