Sticks and Stones…A Stepmother’s Guide to Being Disliked
Being disliked takes a toll on women especially
I recently wrote an article about Stepmothers and being disliked (look for it in the September Issue of StepMom Magazine). Tolerating that others may dislike us for reasons beyond our control, and in spite of our best efforts, is an important skill to develop.
Tell me about it: Have you dealt with feeling disliked in your life as a woman with stepchildren? How did you/do you handle it? What strategies help?
Tags: adult stepchildren, blended family, divorce with children, family, remarriage, remarriage with children, step mother, stepchildren, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
August 10th, 2010 at 11:49 am
Oh boy, have you been eavesdropping on my life again, Wednesday?? LOL!!
My husband’s 28 year old daughter, whom I met when she was 8, never could allow herself to like me–because her mother made her feel that liking me was the ultimate act of betrayal, it seems.
My husband pitied his daughter, but didn’t have a lot of sympathy for me. I was supposed to just “get over it” which would have been easier had he simply taken 20 seconds in twenty years to acknowledge, “It must suck that my daughter treats you the way she does. I’m sorry. I love you and thank you for putting up with it.” That’s all I would have needed.
As it is her upcoming Bridezilla wedding antics have me contemplating divorce! Here is a funny thing though: she’s marrying a man with a ten year old daughter who can’t stand her. Karma is a bi*ch! I have to admit that I’ve been viewing it all with interest and wondering if she has any idea what she is in for!
Strategies that worked and still work for me: surrounding myself with my family (mom, dad, sister, whoever’s free to come over, and hopefully for a big family meal!) when she is here so I feel supported and happy. It has always helped my SD to have that distraction too, I think, as she likes some of my nieces and nephews and it always kept her busy so she didn’t have time to glower at me.
Another thing that worked was giving her alone time with dad. While I went out with friends and whooped it up for an evening. That always kept me sane and less angry. I still go out for a pedicure if shes’ going to be around and I don’t really care anymore that she says it’s proof I don’t care about her. After all if I were there she’d be unhappy about that too!
So I guess overall I’ve adopted a strategy of, “I don’t need her to like me to know I”m a good wife and a good person” as Wednesday suggests in her book. Seriously, if I wait around for her to validate me as a person and stepmother, I’ll still be waiting while they put me in my grave! I’ve learned to move on, and accept that I don’t need to win her over and that I can put my energy elsewhere.
August 10th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
How about being hated?
With my partner’s six children, some of them covertly liked me, while hewing to the party line that one should not like me; some disliked me; and two really hated me. One of them told me so. But, as with victims of parental alienation, his reasons were very vague. They had to do with my table manners (“making scraping noises”), my clothes (too home-made evidently), and my general trashiness.
Like a lot of step moms, I was not used to being disliked, much less hated. I have been ignored or excluded plenty of times, but that is sort of low-grade social negativity, compared to being disliked or hated. Most people seem to like me, or at least pretend they do, or are at least polite to me. I thought I could make anybody like me, given enough time and my charm offensive. Wrong!
I think it IS an important lesson, to realize that a lot of times, other people’s behavior has nothing to do with you!!! That really shouldn’t surprise us, but for some reason, we think we can influence and control other people, and that if somebody is misbehaving, it must be either because (1) we did something wrong; or (2) we didn’t try hard enough to ingratiate ourselves with them.
It’s kind of liberating, really, to finally understand that the universe goes on turning the way it will despite our struggles and our attempts to swim upstream. I finally learned to go with the flow. I gave up struggling to please and ingratiate myself. I even gave up trying to be compassionate and understanding. I stopped trying to understand why the kids were acting the way they were. Actually, it doesn’t really interest me any more, although I used to obsess about it. Now, with permission from our therapist, I simply avoid the evil-doers and focus on enjoying the presence of the nice ones, when they’re around. So much easier.
August 10th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
we went through this when my three stepkids were little and up thru the teen years. there is still a bit of aloofness if their mom is around, which I’ve just come to expect and accept. it’s never going to be a family feel and that’s finally okay with me and my husband. it is what it is and most of the time, it’s just fine. not perfect, but fine.
I once had an enemy at work and I wasted time trying to convince everyone that I was right and good and she was wrong. should have just let it all come back around to her. anyway I got to where it wasn’t so hard knowing she was out for my job and didn’t like me. it made me practice and probably helped me toughen up a little. it was stressful but a good lesson. that is how I would descrive it.
August 10th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
Dora: it really is wonderful that your stepdaughter is now a step mom. What goes around comes around.
August 10th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Hey, friends: I haven’t been around the blog for a while because things have actually been kinda good with my stepdaughter for a while. (Well, of course that couldn’t last, right? and so here I am) But yes, it is really tough, especially because so many of us were raised to be good girls and really pride ourselves on maintaining a pleasant and likable demeanor. Developing a thick skin is very difficult, but I try to think of parallel examples from my life where I am able to let it go when someone doesn’t like me (the rude waiter, for example; is he really worth any time and effort?), and then transfer that feeling to the situation with my stepdaughter and her (highly unlikeable) mother.
And of course that’s the other point too–that I don’t like HER (the bm, I mean) very much and so for crying out loud, why would I want such an unpleasant woman to like me? That would actually be a defeat in some sense! But still, it’s hard to feel SO unappreciated (hear you on that Dora) I was recently re-reading “Getting to Yes” to try and think through a work situation and it occurs to me that this book has valuable lessons for stepfamilies as well. In particular, the image of ju-jitsu helps me. When someone comes at you with an attack, you don’t push back (that would be engaging their energy), instead you step aside and let them crash on their own. Silence is a great weapon as well–when we’re trying to be liked and understood, we talk and talk and talk, trying to explain our positions. But many people are very uncomfortable with silence.
p.s. on Karma–my stepdaughter’s mother is now a stepmother herself and her stepson is about to get married. She seems not to like his fiance very much. So she’s facing the prospect of being a (not well liked) step-mother-in-law. tee hee hee!
August 10th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
I get along with my stepchild. I struggle more with making friends…. we have joint custody… you can almost feel the person’s breeze of “jumping backward in their mind” from you upon hearing you’re “just the stepmom.” Um, she’s at this house just as much as her other house. Therefore, “Just this stepmom here” does everything for her as her own children. I’m looking forward to being my kids mom instead of “just the stepmom.” It seems I am not going to meet anyone who doesn’t think my being a stepmom is going to make their husband’s what a stepmom for their kids, too…. I’m being facetious, but it sure feels that way at times. To me, there is way more prejudice toward stepmothers than stepfathers for some reason, too. I could write a book.
August 10th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
I married my husband when SD was 6 and SS 4. I have a great relationship with SS. SD has always been difficult. I’ve developed severe anxiety issues because of her and am on meds and go to counseling. When she turned 18 last year she moved out with her bf and has been kicked out of three consecutive households (including her grandma’s and her bf’s mom’s house (where they were staying) in the past year mostly for the same behavioral issus. My husband has a short memory and forgets how things used to be so goes through ups and down in how he feels about her. Right now, he is in what I call the honeymoon phase — his poor daughter, she needs support etc. (never mind that she had all that and messed it up). She just got a job not that far from our house and he is making the case for her to stay wit us as she needs and I am resisting (she has not stayed since she moved out last year and my boundary since then has been that she does not. She is welcome to come and visit and stuff of course….. Funnily enough, even when she is not here, there is plenty of drama. Her mom and stepdad and now, even my husband think this is mean and horrible of me. Her grandmom said awful things to me on FB of all places. She has been kicked out of both those houses as well, so I am no more mean than they are, just not eager to put myself through that same agony. She is not homeless or anything, this would just be convenient for her.
I am not used to being disliked. But that’s happened a lot as a stepmom. It’s made me doubt who I am as a person and played havoc with my sense of self. Now though, after 11 years of BS, I don’t really care that much any more. It’s easy to shrug off all the others but it’s harder with my husband. He loves me,and I him, but l know he doesn’t understand where I am coming from with his daughter and maybe never will.
August 10th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
It is great and very interesting to hear these different perspectives and experiences re; the experience of being disliked. Clearly it’s something women with stepchildren weather as if it’s a storm–whether the dislike comes from husband/partner’s ex, stepchildren of any age, or society in general (like in Amber’s case).
Kathy, nice to hear from you again. Aha, so you check in here when things are not going well for you–I get it! Well, I’m glad to know you consider this a hospitable environment and I think everyone, including me, gets a lot from your comments. I really got a chuckle out of your husband’s ex becoming a stepmother herself. This could change the emotional topography a bit!
DW, again it was trial by fire for you–between the indifference and the hatred, it sounds like you had more than your share. You are one resilient, wise lady and I love the strategy you came up with with your therapist.
A, you’re learning to live with being misunderstood and disliked. It’s such hard work. But once you get there, the judgement and dislike rolls off your back and even seems amusing. I’m glad you are standing your ground here. And I think doing couples work with a therapist who really gets remarriage with children could help you and your husband find what my friend, the author Marty Babits, calls “the middle ground.” How about this for a new paradigm for you: Everyone is enabling your trainwreck of a stepdaughter except you. You are the only one who is looking at the big picture, and refusing to enable her self-destructive behaviors to continue around you. Something to think about?
Amber, there’s WAY more dislike and bias toward stepmothers than toward stepfathers. I talk about this a lot in my articles. Mostly it’s because where there’s a stepmother, there is generally an ex wife in the picture, and ex wives tend to be more involved in their ex husband’s households, since they (ex-wives) have strong agendas about how their kids are raised. Plus, no one thinks it’s odd or “unpaternal” if a stepFATHER doesn’t bend over backwards to charm his stepkids. But women feel a lot of pressure to charm the kids, to win them over, to get them to like her. All that gives them way too much power. Hang in there!
Dora and Marcia, brava to you both.
xx wednesday
August 10th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Honestly? The experience of trying to be a stepmother has been so toxic that the only thing that has worked is disengagement and distance. My husband and I are far happier functioning as a couple with no children. He maintains his relationship with his 19-year-old son separately, which is possible now that he is in college with his own apartment.
I just reread this and it sounds a bit harsh, but that’s consistent with having been through this experience. I’m glad I didn’t know what was ahead for us with his son when I met my dear husband, because I’m not at all sure I would have been able to face it!
August 11th, 2010 at 8:52 am
To A: reading your story, it suddenly crossed my mind that other people in your family may be calling you “mean” simply as a way to guilt-trip you into taking care of your SD, so they won’t have to! They know she’s a handful and a lot of trouble; they don’t want to have to deal with her; and they figure if they put a lot of pressure on you, maybe you’ll do all the dirty work of “taking care” of her.
Lots of families have at least one person who is a burden to the other people in the family, a person who constantly stirs up trouble and drama, or refuses to take care of themselves. In my partner’s family, his ex-wife constantly “needs” care and attention and won’t really take care of herself. It’s amazing what the kids will do to try to shift that burden onto a sibling, or back onto my partner. They deeply resent, I think, the fact that he doesn’t “take care” of their mother any more.
One of his daughters sort of copied this behavior from her mother when she was in her late teens and early twenties. She was constantly having to be rescued: losing her job, losing her car, losing her apartment, having to go to rehab, etc. Fortunately she eventually joined the Navy and now she seems pretty stable. Maybe your SD will grow up some too.
In the meantime, I agree that you should stick by your boundary and find a therapist who will back you up on that. In our case, it helped immensely to have a person in authority, an “expert” therapist, tell my partner that it was ok for me to avoid some of his children.
We no longer have tribal elders to adjudicate these things, so we have to pay people to do it!
August 11th, 2010 at 11:07 am
Ugh, I wrote so fast my post is a bit nonsensical…. I meant that some women think their husbands would WANT a stepmother, not “what” a stepmother. lol
I definitely think you’re right about society and how there’s a preconceived notion that men don’t get as involved…. and you’re right about many ex-wives thinking only THEY know how to parent their child(ren), or as you put more eloquently, are more involved in how the kid(s) should be raised.
The bm doesn’t like me. In her mind, if my husband had never met me, they could have eventually gotten back together. I know that plays a huge role in why things have been the way they have been over the years. She’s remarried and has another child, but there’s still “something” that has an air of her thinking that she still has a say in my dh’s decisions…. It’s a whole other discussion, but I truly think that people pick up on the undertones of our being cordial at joint functions and assume all sorts of things. (I’ve overheard plenty at the school, for sure.)
I’m not certain why there’s a stigma/ bias against the steps…. to me, I got two people to love when I married my dh. SD has four parents that look out for her well-being and love her. It COULD be so much nicer than it is. It doesn’t have to be this way, but for some reason, it is.
Blended families aren’t contagious, but since many people seem “afraid” of them, I wish that it was contagious in a positive way, showing that with time, patience, and understanding, that we’re just wanting the same as any “nuclear family” and that’s to just raise healthy kids and be, at the very least, respected.
August 11th, 2010 at 2:00 pm
I have first hand experience with being disliked/hated. My steps haven’t spoken to me but to say hello and goodbye for the past year. Recently, my SD got into trouble and had to go to juvenile court. When I arrived to support my husband (I said nothing, just there to act as support), both she and her mother looked at each other and asked the court if I had to be there. The court determined I could stay as I was the stepmother. I always knew they (sd and bm) both disliked me, but was presented with it first-hand. What’s that saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”…I believe!!
Truth is, it no longer bothers me. I really do not like my steps and after a lot of thought and countless hours of lost sleep, tears and hurt feelings, I’ve determined I don’t want a relationship with them. Why would I waste my precious energy on people who don’t want me in their lives? I’ve plenty of people who enjoy my company/talents/time and have made a very conscious decision to spend my energy on positive not negative. So, when my husband’s children are with us, I spend that time doing things I love with people I love. It makes me less resentful, happier and utimately, the best version of myself.
August 11th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
My oldest stepson dislikes me, without any reason other than his resentment and the influence of his mother. I certainly give him no real reason to!
It’s actually quite amusing at times to see the creativity he has to apply to find things to complain to my partner about!
Apparently, I sing “annoyingly”. (This from a child who incessantly hums loudly and tunelessly, taps out drum rhythms on every available piece of furniture and makes aggressive computer game sound effects at meals!)
My best strategies are to generally give him as little air time as possible, while insisting on being answered with basics like “hi” and “good night”.
I also do my best to speak up, calmly, firmly and without being aggressive, when he uses his favourite tactic of asking critical questions in his special snide voice.
“Why does B read blogs all the time?” or “Why do people in B’s family have such weird names?” or “Why does B ask you to get us to set the table instead of asking us, Dad?”
I will sometimes respond to him directly on questions like the last one, since I don’t like being spoken about as if I’m not there when my partner answers him, but usually pretend not to hear the really trivial questions, since they’re just a power play rather than expressing a genuine desire to know something.
Personally, I prefer when he’s ignoring me, then at least I can ignore him back and focus on his much more pleasant brothers.
August 12th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Hi Wednesday,
You and I have chatted about this before. I learned from a business seminar that MOST women suffer from this need to be liked. And the truth is, we spend way too much time trying to get people to like us who may never ever like us and we neglect all the other people who think we’re the cat’s meow. Example: You know 100 people. 98 love you and 2 hate your guts. Where do you direct your time and energy? Most women will do backflips through rings of fire to get those two people to like her…it’s mind boggling. And then we go about sacrificing who we are to cater to someone else’s dislike or dysfunctionality when it’s there perogative to like or dislike us. I’ve adopted this quirky quote from Jack Canfield (who probably got it from someone else) “What you think about me is none of my business.” There was a period of time where Junior seriously thought I rode a super turbo charged broomstick. I really didn’t care. I was doing my job as a responsible adult figure in my home.
August 12th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Peggy,
Your line, “Junior seriously thought I rode a super turbo charged broomstick” had me laughing out loud! Thank you for that!
I couldn’t agree with you more. While it used to just trouble me (and yes, depress me) a lot that my steps disliked me, it truly no longer does. It is amazing how much energy I now have!
A favorite saying of mine is, “I don’t mind. You don’t matter.” Works for me!
August 13th, 2010 at 11:59 am
I wonder if anyone else has ever had an honest conversation with their grown steps about their relationship, including the stepchild’s dislike/acting out toward their father’s wife.
My stepson took offense to something I said (he found it cold) and, at his mother’s instigation (unfortunately I could overhear their phone conversation, which was unthinkingly very loud) confronted me while we were at home alone. It led to an honest–not emotional on my part, but honest–conversation about our relationship over the past 13 years. The cards got laid out on the table, but he was furious, almost histrionically so–at age 19 (DH has taken the brunt of this, since I think I my honesty shocked him almost into intimidation or something like it).
Surprisingly, although his behavior for over a decade has been pretty awful toward me, he was extremely offended when I admitted I had “no familial feelings” for him. I wonder that anyone could think themselves entitled to someone’s affections when they had been unable to reciprocate kindnesses over the years, and in fact had returned them with hostility and disregard in a matter most calculated to be hurtful.
I think I am a bit “too” sensitive and also guilty of having tried too hard for too long before giving up completely. It seems we can never win, no matter what choices we make–disengagement was as offensive to him as my long and sincere effort to create a positive bond between us and among the three of us.
Truer words were never said, though, than that you cannot play a relationship from both sides.
My husband’s son is of an unusually immature and self-centered character, and I do not believe his attitude will change with age. The only good that came out of this is that this has entirely thrown the focus on my husband’s and son’s relationship with one another. The fairly severe difficulties in their relationship (since SS treats his father almost as badly as he has me) have tended to be obscured by SS’s targeting me for the greatest hostility. This has pretty much ended the pretense of a “threesome” relationship, and honestly, it’s a great relief to me.
This doesn’t answer the question of how I endure dislike, because I don’t think I do it very well–but it was somewhat of a relief when he became old enough and provoked an honest conversation. Just being calmly truthful to him about my efforts, the hurt his rejection caused, and my being at peace with the decision finally to retreat felt strangely helpful to me, although it has caused such an uproar.
So I was wondering whether anyone else had done this…
August 16th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Jane,
My stepson once said to me, “You HAVE to love.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because you love my dad and you married him so you HAVE to love me, too.”
I smiled at him and very calmly told him, “No, I do not HAVE to love you. Loving you is a choice I make and I make that choice each and every morning I wake up.” And yes, I was honest with him and told him that I had days when I did not love him and most of the time I didn’t like him.
Jane – the truth is we are under no moral obligation to love another just because. We love those who are loveable. One of the best essays on this is by Wallace D. Wattles, “Winning Love.” And he wrote it around 1895! Every stepmom should read this. And just watch the 800lb gorilla disappear! (I’ve written about this article on my website, “(Step)Martyrs Are Not Loveable.”)
August 18th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
I read all of your comments last night and I actually chuckled. It felt good to laugh. We are a secret society of stubborn step mothers. We deal with so much drama and vitriol from the stepkids and bio mom, and yet we hang in there. Our motto is “Tomorrow, Tomorrow, the Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow”. It feels very supportive to hear others’ stories. Thanks Wendy for a great post and thanks to everyone for all of their great comments. Kudos to us all!
August 19th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Hi Wednesday,
Great discussion!!! I used to feel sorry for myself for not having my “own” kids to turn to when the steps were being hateful and disrespectful and I felt like other moms who had their own kids were luckier than me, but that’s no longer the point. That thinking just kept me in the feeling sorry for myself place and one day I got tired of it. So I got some support in the form of acupuncture, connections with other women (especially stepmoms) and started blogging so I could have a voice and quit being silent. All those things have served me very well and I’m happy to say I feel like myself again and from this perspective of “me” I am making very different decisions.
In a women’s group I’m part of, we’re studying how to let go of the seemingly innate urge to help and fix and cure everyone’s ills. Here I am, the only stepmother and the youngest woman in the group, watching these women who’ve been married for 35 and 40 years to the same man grapple with the same issues I am grappling with. I am shifting from feeling bad about myself because I worry too much to getting out and getting involved with things that matter to me. I am letting go of helping everyone and practicing just sitting there in silence when there is an “urgency” that really isn’t an urgency. Just a couple of examples. But, it feels like a huge shift and lightness and my life is no longer revolving around what everyone else needs.
Bravo for you, asking these kinds of questions.
August 22nd, 2010 at 3:15 am
My husband once tried to point out how good I was to my stepson, and all the nice things I had done for him over the years. My stepson’s response was not the gratitude or softening of heart that my husband was hoping for, he responded “well that’s her choice.”
And guess what? He was right. Somewhere in there I learned that it WAS my choice and that gave me a choice NOT to do all the nice wonderful things that I had been doing up until that point. It WAS my choice to buy him clothes, cook his favorite food, organize fun outings etc etc.
The liberating thing about being so abruptly told that it was my choice, was that I stopped doing anything that I really didn’t want to do.
Of course, my stepson now refuses to even speak to me and tells everybody how horrid I am to him and his sister.. but you know what? That is HIS choice. Like the other commenter, he feels entitled to my time, my attention and my money and energy without feeling that he is even required to be civil to me in return. Everything I do is also deemed “annoying” and something can be taken and twisted and embellished to make me appear evil? It will be.
It only hurts if you care. I no longer do.
August 23rd, 2010 at 9:47 am
I saw this post on Facebook not so long ago and I thought, “oh wow….this applies to stepmothers.”
”It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them.” ~Anthony Storr
August 27th, 2010 at 6:46 am
I’m up in the middle of the night trying to reconcile it all… SD is in college and we’ve struggled the two times she’s been home. SS is theoretically moving in w/mom (he’s 17), and it cannot happen soon enough for me. He is being totally disrespectful and blowing me off with nearly everything – chores to common courtesies. His dad doesn’t see it, and when I bring it up, says that it’s what 17 year old boys do. Uh, no. It’s what they do when a parent won’t remind them of the limits.
The last two years have been very hard, and I think of separation and divorce almost constantly. I am so, so tired of doing all the heavy lifting at home. It took all last summer to get SD prepared to go to college, and I was the only one of the 3 parents who did it all. I’ve vowed to not assist SS in his move out – we’ll see if his dad does anything to assist. Damn, I am tired. In stepmom years (you know, like dog years) I am at least 120!
August 27th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Hi Rebecca,
I’m not Wednesday (obviously) but I know she’s on vacation. So, I thought I’d chime in here and say…..I’ve read your comment. I can completely relate. I has those times when I thought about all my other options and they seemed waaaaay better than the one I was in at the moment. I love the analogy to dog years, being a dog lover and all. Do you have a dog? I know I focused on my dogs a LOT during the toughest times/years.
And, ALL three kids were home the other night (an unusual event for us). I began to bristle and get upset at oldest SS (19) for his insolence, disrespect, wouldn’t actually sit DOWN to have dinner, felt like he was eating on the run, grunted answers, demanded things (this after he had borrowed the car to move his things to college and didn’t even say thank you). He hasn’t been around much lately and all the reminders of times past came rushing in. I was about to blow a gasket and say something, and I realized my SD was completely irritated with him, so was youngest SS, AND so was my husband. They were all gritting their teeth to endure the occasion. It gave me pause to sit back and wait.
I love your idea to not get involved in the helping of SS to move out. That sounds like a very healthy way to have a boundary. You don’t need to be the workhorse and jump any time someone needs something. They have parents, right? I usually let my husband do the cooking and making sure the kids clean up when they are all here. And, now that we’re all getting along better, I still haven’t resumed that. It feels much better to participate as one of the crew, not the initiator of the meal/event.
Wishing you the best…….hang in there, hang in there. Old dogs are wise…..they know when to take a nap. (wink)
August 27th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
Thanks, Kim. I used to have dogs when I lived rurally – we’re a cat family, being in the city. I appreciate your comments, and the support to set my boundaries & limit my parenting actions. I cannot recall how many times I’ve said “that’s it – I am outta here!” but then never left. I am working on finding the right balance of staying in the marriage while leaving the over-functioning super stepmom I have been for nearly 15 years.
Today I set all guilt aside and took the afternoon to wander the waterfront markets in Seattle where I live, and simply enjoy myself. And it has become very clear to me that my connection to my stepkids needs to morph into a kind and caring adult, while I stay out of their business. If there are logistical, financial, or familial transactions that need to be attended to, my phrase is now ‘talk with your father about that’.
Time to find myself again, and get my life back!
August 29th, 2010 at 1:05 am
Oh my word…….nearly 15 years!!!!! Dear sweet Rebecca. (sorry, I don’t know you at all, but it sounds like something you should hear)…you deserve a vacation to a tropical island complete with cerveza under the palapa promptly at 3pm every single day!!!! Wow…..I am going to bow down and salute you as you walk by. I used to live in Seattle and now am in Portland. Love the Northwest….we know how to live. But, Bainbridge Island is not tropical, hahaha, though they’d like to think of it that way.
Here’s to you and your self-care. You obviously have given a huge amount. I hope you find the balance for yourself so that you can enjoy the time you have with your husband and to enjoy life. At 50, I’m finding I take it all in quite differently than I used to and I’m making very different choices than I likely would have at 30, or 35, or even 40.
Glad to witness the process. Now, back to my own dramas and walking my local waterfronts. You’ve likely read Wednesday’s book, or you wouldn’t know about her blog. She’s amazing in the way she’s so succinctly capture every aspect of our stepmother experience. Me-thinks it’s time for me to re-read…….take care!!!!!!
August 29th, 2010 at 1:23 am
Thank you, Kim. Wow. No one has ever thanked me like that for being a stepmom. It means more than you can know.
August 29th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
I really think that the whole thing of “liking’ a step parent really depends on the loyalty bind they have with the parent.
My SS I think genuinely likes me, and at times loves me (or so he says). But there are days and times, when I am pretty sure that there has been talk about me with my SS in earshot, that he takes that to heart and knows that mom doesn’t like me or step dad doesn’t like me for whatever reason they are picking on that day and because of that his attitude towards me changes.
Then the weekend that my SS is with us can be absolutely horrible.
Then there are weekends where things are good, and the rest of it doesn’t matter. But dealing with a child that is in a huge loyalty bind is a difficult thing to deal with, that I am sure most of you know.
And what makes things even worse is that BM gave a child up for adoption several years ago, and she has a relationship with that child now. in some ways she is the “step mom” in that relationship but she sees soemone else as takign her place with her child and she is scared of the same thing happening with my SS so she causes him to be in this loyalty bind and doing whatever she has to do to keep his loyalty to her and not “turn against” her and have a relationship with me, whatever type of relationship it is.
August 30th, 2010 at 9:33 am
Rebecca,
15 years?!?! Holy smokes! I agree with Kim – you are an inspiration. I’ve only been at this for three and it feels like a lifetime. (and yes, I’ve thought about leaving a lot!) UGH! I have found that my Steps have two perfectly fine parents and while they certainly do things differently than I, they are the parents. At first I tried so hard to be a ‘perfect’ stepmother and all I was was perfectly miserable. No more. Now I take the time I need for me. It took me a bit of time to wrap my brain around this idea as it felt horribly selfish and seemed to go against everything I was – a giver, but then I realized I had to give to myself before I could give to others.
I read a really perfect quote today. “The easiest way to win a tug of war is to stop pulling.”
Do something kind for yourself. You are SO VERY worth it.
Hugs….
August 30th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
I always thought things would get better when the last of my 4 step kids moved out….it only means they are not ‘physically’ here. The pain is always present. I was actually blown away at the hate and pain that I received from these step kids….I have four kids of my own. And yes, in spite of everything I tried, I was destined to fail. I have a professional career, child pshyc background and fairly happy kids and even my ex and his wife….but the hate that exists with the stepkids has permiated everything and everywhere they are. I have had my car stolen, our house has been broken into, large items missing and each time they seem to be ‘justified by default’ because of their terrible childhood. Their childhood was will my husband and I so the fact that it wasn’t with their mother??? I believe the hate is like a pact they have with their mom and this has caused them to developed into some type of psycho illness. They are now 19-29 years old and aren’t allowed in our house because of the stealing, (they even thought it ok to steal bags of food from their grandmother’s last Christmas….”because she would never know”. and each have they’re own criminal history of DWIs, stealing, breaking and entery, minor consumption, assualt and even a few gross misdemeanor charges.
August 31st, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Jean,
Well, you’ve in the worst of it. Time for some very firm boundaries, boundaries you and your husband agree on. Sounds like you have one in place–his kids are not allowed into your house due to their criminal histories. I hope you and your husband might be able to find an experienced couples therapist who can help the two of you and your marriage to turn the tremendous stress you must have experienced–and still likely are experienced–into something more like a bonding experience. I think it would be well worth the time and money and wish you lots of luck. Please keep us posted.
Crystal,
Right on the money with your Dx of a loyalty bind! Here’s guessing that loyalty binds are also at work in Jean’s situation. It always helps to know where the kids are coming from, what is motivating the behavior, and to know that you are NOT alone. For example, to know that kids of all ages post divorce experience loyalty binds if mom will not explicitly release them from them. How well many of us remember weekend with stepkids that depended entirely on the state play with the loyalty bind. And the hot and cold behavior…it can make a stepmother crazy. Which is just the point. One very smart therapist and stepmother told me the challenge for all parents is to separate their mood from that of their children, to be separate, to not let the child or adult child’s frame of mind set the tone for the entire household. Doubly important with a stepkid in a loyalty bind!
Rebecca,
Glad you found some support here from Kim and Talia. Your situation sounds extremely difficult and frustrating–and I do suggest some disengaging, some serious reconsideration about how much you are doing. We feel much less resentful when we’re not doing a lot for our stepkids. If we don’t buy them clothes, we won’t be frustrated that they leave them in a ball on the ground. If we don’t bend over backwards making their favorite meals every time they visit, we have taken away the opportunity for them to express their loyalty binds and ambivalence by picking at it and pronouncing it not very good. Etc. Etc. Etc. In a way, helping your SC pack for college set you up for tremendous frustration and kudos to you for seeing a dynamic that you can easily change! I am imagining that not only your stepkids but your husband and his ex-spouse will be making adjustments as you cut back on what you do, focusing more on your own mental and physical health, your friendships, and your marriage. I think you might really like the book The Happy Stepmother by my friend and colleague Dr. Rachelle Katz. It is full of exercises and suggestions about how to remain steady in a step-situation full of challenges.
xx to you all,
wednesday
September 10th, 2010 at 9:51 am
Hi. This blog is a good for stepmoms as your book was. You are nearly vital to our survival. Just hooking us up with other stepmoms alone is soooo helpful.
Been in my relationship 11 years, six stepkids in all (3 of each). Mom is very insecure and feels the need to turn the girls against me blatantly. The 13 yr old has recently stopped coming for visits (50/50) with her Dad and said she “can’t stand to be around me, can’t stand me,” etc. Another quote is “yes I care about my Dad’s happiness, but not enough to tolerate her”. It’s bad. I think two things are crucial to getting through this situation. The first thing is, sadly, that successful, long-term, happy relationships with stepkids are the exception, not the rule, and rare with girls, I dare say. So, if you don’t expect them to like you, you’re prepared when they don’t. Secondly, the relationship between you and your partner is the most important relationship. It is very hard (if possible) to endure abuse from people if you do not have the support and love of your partner, who is essentially the reason you are putting up with the crap in the first place. At the end of the day the kids are temporary and you are building and sharing a life with that one person, not their kids.
There’s my two cents, and I am nothing if not battleworn and wise. Love you, Wednesday<3
September 15th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Right on, Amy! The ONLY reason I do this is for my fiance. He’s the ONLY reason I’m here. if he didn’t fully support me and tell me every day how much he appreciates me, I’d be long gone. Especially being someone who never wanted children… The children and I get along fine, the younger one is definitely in a loyalty bind but still is nice to me and we laugh and get along.
The ex-wife hates me and had made the enemy before she ever met me. I just have to share something my fiance said to her b/c I thought it was pretty great. Normally he just hangs up on her when she starts in, so this time she was complaining about what an awful person I am and how she has no idea why he’s with me, so he hangs up on her, but then calls her back and says ” if you ever say another word about Jenna, I’ll tell you exactly why I’m with her. And trust me, you won’t like it”. Haha, my hero!!
September 20th, 2010 at 12:34 am
Jenna, Bravo to your husband.
Please pass along to him that I’m forming a fan club for him…..
September 23rd, 2010 at 11:25 am
HI, this is the first time I’ve posted, and actually the first time I’ve sought any advice about stepmothering. When I married my husband, it was a first marriage for me, and I had no children. My husband had two, an 11 year old boy and a 22 year old daughter. I’ve done fine with the son, after some lonely and uncomfortable beginnings, it’s all going great with him, his wife, and their little daughter. It’s the sd that I have the difficult relationship with. She is now in her mid-40s. I disagree with most of the choices she’s made in her life — and so does her father, my husband, who, btw, is very supportive of me but loves his daughter and wishes we had a better relationship. The daughter is very different from me. I come from an academically gifted and accomplished family, am a former tax lawyer, and I’m interested in things like tax policy, economics, and art and culture. She is a social worker, doesn’t read books, subscribes to Town and Country and People magazine, and hosts lingerie parties for her girlfriends. She is also divorced, and shares custody of her two daughters. I think she is too permissive with the daughters but they live far from us and my husband and I have little ability to shape them, Mainly we try to expose them to things in life we feel they are missing.
Recently, my sd brought her boyfriend of five years to our family get together, a week in Maine that is our time for bonding with the children and three grandchildren. The boyfriend brought his two girls, who are about the same age as sd’s two girls and get along well. The problem is, she asked to bring them and we (my husband and I) did not want to have them there, as we both felt it changed the dynamics and interfered with our time alone with our granddaughters as well as the cousins’ time with each other. But since she asked, we acceded, thinking that if we didn’t welcome boyfriend and his two along with the family, she would be miserable and let it be known.
so the visit went fine, I played the role of the happy hostess and all had a grand time. Except that, as expected, we missed the quality time with our own grandchildren.
SD didn’t get it. She and her dad had already talked about the visit, over the phone, before it happened, and the conversation resulted in a shouting match in which dad told her we were unhappy with her bringing boyfriend et al. (Dad/husband also have very mixed feelings about a five year “relationship” that seems to be going nowhere). BUT I never had a conversation with her; more pointedly, she never came to me and said “I really appreciate you accommodating boyfriend and family, I know it was not your way, I hope it’s working out ok for you”.
The problem is, she admires me, or so my husband tells me, and wants to have a closer relationship, but thinks I’m “judgmental”. I feel that we are very different people, and that she is unwilling to accept my different opinions about child rearing and who should be included in a family get together. There is some friction now that is largely fomented by me, because of my frustration at having to suppress my real feelings during the summer visit. To be specific, I sent her an email with a list of the things the girls left behind at the Maine house, and suggested that she have them pay for the postage when I send them back. OK, that was interference with her parenting, and out of line. She sent me an nasty email, copy to her dad, in which she said she would be mortified to suggest any such thing to her boyfriend and his girls and she was embarrassed to have me as a sm. I sent her a letter apologizing and trying to explain that I was frustrated with the visit because I would like to have my different views acknowledged if not accepted. She then called her father, appealing to his sympathy, licking her wounds as is her wont, and saying she was finished with trying to be friends with me, she had spent too much time crying over our relationship, and that she is convinced i “don’t like her”.
I have now sent her a second letter, telling her that I feel bad that she wants to dwell on the past, but for her dad’s sake could we please just try again. and that for my part I was making a journal of all the things I admire about her — we are different but the differences are enriching and should be celebrated, not feared.
I have not hear from her — I have asked her to communicate by picking up the phone and calling me, or by real letter –not by email and especially not by going through her father.
Any thoughts or advice on where I should go from here?
September 27th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I have days when I just want to run away and then days that I’m just too tired to even deal with sfamily issues. None of these days are because my SS doesn’t respect me or something. He’s a good 10 year old boy. I’m just tired of being in this situation which just doesn’t feel normal. Do people who are not in “step family” situations have problems such as these? I grew up in a “traditional” (I don’t know what to call it so i’m taking the easy way out) family and it didn’t seem that my mom had it so difficult. This situation feels like a double yammy for sparents. Not only you handle the stresses of marriage but you get to enjoy the pile of “bs” of step-family situation. Sorry, I’m being negative but I just don’t think it’s NORMAL situation.
Also, I wish I had the energy to look it up but I don’t. From all the blogs and other bonus families/step families websites I have seen, I take that very few ( I would say less than 1%) bio dads ever get into learning or understanding the step family dynamics. How can I get my husband to get into reading the blogs. I also want to be careful that he doesn’t lose his interest because at times the posts do come across as complaints (like this post of mine) and most men just can’t handle things when they are presented as complaints rather than something that needs to be worked out. In my mind, blogs/posts are way of sparents venting and finding support from other sparents in similar situations.
I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I just don’t know what to do.
October 7th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Here is an exchange I came across recently, that took place this summer between my stepkids and their mother. This demonstrates the dynamic I’ve been feeling for so many years. SS is 17, SD is 21. (It was after I called SS on his blowing off chores and set a limit.) The mom has been undermining me for years, the entire time the kids have been living with us, which has been the last 10 years; and prior to that I was referred to as ‘It’ by her and her ex-hsuband. SS just moved back to her house, and is out of high school & working. SD is in college. Neither one will communicate with me at this point. If I never see mom again, it would be too soon.
Thanks for ‘listening’.
SS: my stepmother is an unreasonable bitch
mom: DUH. And I am the most awesome mom ever.
SD: what did she do this time?
SS: she threatened to take away my bus pass if i didn’t get home by nine and wash a dish and take out the garbage
SD: stupid…
mom: There is a word for that… but I wont say it until you say I am the best mom ever…..
SS: You are definitely the best mom ever!
October 7th, 2010 at 11:03 am
PS – Wendy, thanks for your kind words, which I just found. I have to say that I am separating more and more, and it helps that SS is moving out. We’re considering selling our house and downsizing, which I think, some days, would be wonderful. Weirdly, my SD moved all of her stuff out of here and into her mom’s house – except her childhood dolls, two boxes of them. She refused to move them out when her mom was here picking stuff up… I wonder what the symbology is for her. I just sent her some cute boots that she wanted, and never heard back from her about them. I finally texted her to see if I needed to track the package, and she finally acknowledged them… it’s the last gift she’s getting from me for some time.
SS still has a room here, which he uses once in a while. He turns 18 soon, and I’m considering asking his dad to move through getting it all gone, though his dad is sad that his son is moving out. I may just have to have patience with this one. I hope some day the SK’s can bring themselves to actually be respectful towards me, and it would be nice to get some acknowledgment for all the hard work I put in. At least my husband does this well.
March 19th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Hurrah, that抯 what I was looking for, what a data! present here at this website, thanks admin of this web page.