Comments on: Sticks and Stones…A Stepmother’s Guide to Being Disliked http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/ Official Blog for the Author of Stepmonster Wed, 19 Jun 2013 15:49:39 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: cats http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-25860 cats Mon, 19 Mar 2012 17:27:01 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-25860 Hurrah, that抯 what I was looking for, what a data! present here at this website, thanks admin of this web page. Hurrah, that抯 what I was looking for, what a data! present here at this website, thanks admin of this web page.

]]> By: Rebecca http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-20113 Rebecca Thu, 07 Oct 2010 16:03:52 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-20113 PS - Wendy, thanks for your kind words, which I just found. I have to say that I am separating more and more, and it helps that SS is moving out. We're considering selling our house and downsizing, which I think, some days, would be wonderful. Weirdly, my SD moved all of her stuff out of here and into her mom's house - except her childhood dolls, two boxes of them. She refused to move them out when her mom was here picking stuff up... I wonder what the symbology is for her. I just sent her some cute boots that she wanted, and never heard back from her about them. I finally texted her to see if I needed to track the package, and she finally acknowledged them... it's the last gift she's getting from me for some time. SS still has a room here, which he uses once in a while. He turns 18 soon, and I'm considering asking his dad to move through getting it all gone, though his dad is sad that his son is moving out. I may just have to have patience with this one. I hope some day the SK's can bring themselves to actually be respectful towards me, and it would be nice to get some acknowledgment for all the hard work I put in. At least my husband does this well. PS – Wendy, thanks for your kind words, which I just found. I have to say that I am separating more and more, and it helps that SS is moving out. We’re considering selling our house and downsizing, which I think, some days, would be wonderful. Weirdly, my SD moved all of her stuff out of here and into her mom’s house – except her childhood dolls, two boxes of them. She refused to move them out when her mom was here picking stuff up… I wonder what the symbology is for her. I just sent her some cute boots that she wanted, and never heard back from her about them. I finally texted her to see if I needed to track the package, and she finally acknowledged them… it’s the last gift she’s getting from me for some time.

SS still has a room here, which he uses once in a while. He turns 18 soon, and I’m considering asking his dad to move through getting it all gone, though his dad is sad that his son is moving out. I may just have to have patience with this one. I hope some day the SK’s can bring themselves to actually be respectful towards me, and it would be nice to get some acknowledgment for all the hard work I put in. At least my husband does this well.

]]> By: Rebecca http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-20112 Rebecca Thu, 07 Oct 2010 15:51:29 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-20112 Here is an exchange I came across recently, that took place this summer between my stepkids and their mother. This demonstrates the dynamic I've been feeling for so many years. SS is 17, SD is 21. (It was after I called SS on his blowing off chores and set a limit.) The mom has been undermining me for years, the entire time the kids have been living with us, which has been the last 10 years; and prior to that I was referred to as 'It' by her and her ex-hsuband. SS just moved back to her house, and is out of high school & working. SD is in college. Neither one will communicate with me at this point. If I never see mom again, it would be too soon. Thanks for 'listening'. SS: my stepmother is an unreasonable bitch mom: DUH. And I am the most awesome mom ever. SD: what did she do this time? SS: she threatened to take away my bus pass if i didn't get home by nine and wash a dish and take out the garbage SD: stupid... mom: There is a word for that... but I wont say it until you say I am the best mom ever..... SS: You are definitely the best mom ever! Here is an exchange I came across recently, that took place this summer between my stepkids and their mother. This demonstrates the dynamic I’ve been feeling for so many years. SS is 17, SD is 21. (It was after I called SS on his blowing off chores and set a limit.) The mom has been undermining me for years, the entire time the kids have been living with us, which has been the last 10 years; and prior to that I was referred to as ‘It’ by her and her ex-hsuband. SS just moved back to her house, and is out of high school & working. SD is in college. Neither one will communicate with me at this point. If I never see mom again, it would be too soon.
Thanks for ‘listening’.

SS: my stepmother is an unreasonable bitch

mom: DUH. And I am the most awesome mom ever.

SD: what did she do this time?

SS: she threatened to take away my bus pass if i didn’t get home by nine and wash a dish and take out the garbage

SD: stupid…

mom: There is a word for that… but I wont say it until you say I am the best mom ever…..

SS: You are definitely the best mom ever!

]]> By: Ana http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-20018 Ana Mon, 27 Sep 2010 21:14:46 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-20018 I have days when I just want to run away and then days that I'm just too tired to even deal with sfamily issues. None of these days are because my SS doesn't respect me or something. He's a good 10 year old boy. I'm just tired of being in this situation which just doesn't feel normal. Do people who are not in "step family" situations have problems such as these? I grew up in a "traditional" (I don't know what to call it so i'm taking the easy way out) family and it didn't seem that my mom had it so difficult. This situation feels like a double yammy for sparents. Not only you handle the stresses of marriage but you get to enjoy the pile of "bs" of step-family situation. Sorry, I'm being negative but I just don't think it's NORMAL situation. Also, I wish I had the energy to look it up but I don't. From all the blogs and other bonus families/step families websites I have seen, I take that very few ( I would say less than 1%) bio dads ever get into learning or understanding the step family dynamics. How can I get my husband to get into reading the blogs. I also want to be careful that he doesn't lose his interest because at times the posts do come across as complaints (like this post of mine) and most men just can't handle things when they are presented as complaints rather than something that needs to be worked out. In my mind, blogs/posts are way of sparents venting and finding support from other sparents in similar situations. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just don't know what to do. I have days when I just want to run away and then days that I’m just too tired to even deal with sfamily issues. None of these days are because my SS doesn’t respect me or something. He’s a good 10 year old boy. I’m just tired of being in this situation which just doesn’t feel normal. Do people who are not in “step family” situations have problems such as these? I grew up in a “traditional” (I don’t know what to call it so i’m taking the easy way out) family and it didn’t seem that my mom had it so difficult. This situation feels like a double yammy for sparents. Not only you handle the stresses of marriage but you get to enjoy the pile of “bs” of step-family situation. Sorry, I’m being negative but I just don’t think it’s NORMAL situation.

Also, I wish I had the energy to look it up but I don’t. From all the blogs and other bonus families/step families websites I have seen, I take that very few ( I would say less than 1%) bio dads ever get into learning or understanding the step family dynamics. How can I get my husband to get into reading the blogs. I also want to be careful that he doesn’t lose his interest because at times the posts do come across as complaints (like this post of mine) and most men just can’t handle things when they are presented as complaints rather than something that needs to be worked out. In my mind, blogs/posts are way of sparents venting and finding support from other sparents in similar situations.

I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I just don’t know what to do.

]]> By: EK http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-19986 EK Thu, 23 Sep 2010 16:25:30 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-19986 HI, this is the first time I've posted, and actually the first time I've sought any advice about stepmothering. When I married my husband, it was a first marriage for me, and I had no children. My husband had two, an 11 year old boy and a 22 year old daughter. I've done fine with the son, after some lonely and uncomfortable beginnings, it's all going great with him, his wife, and their little daughter. It's the sd that I have the difficult relationship with. She is now in her mid-40s. I disagree with most of the choices she's made in her life -- and so does her father, my husband, who, btw, is very supportive of me but loves his daughter and wishes we had a better relationship. The daughter is very different from me. I come from an academically gifted and accomplished family, am a former tax lawyer, and I'm interested in things like tax policy, economics, and art and culture. She is a social worker, doesn't read books, subscribes to Town and Country and People magazine, and hosts lingerie parties for her girlfriends. She is also divorced, and shares custody of her two daughters. I think she is too permissive with the daughters but they live far from us and my husband and I have little ability to shape them, Mainly we try to expose them to things in life we feel they are missing. Recently, my sd brought her boyfriend of five years to our family get together, a week in Maine that is our time for bonding with the children and three grandchildren. The boyfriend brought his two girls, who are about the same age as sd's two girls and get along well. The problem is, she asked to bring them and we (my husband and I) did not want to have them there, as we both felt it changed the dynamics and interfered with our time alone with our granddaughters as well as the cousins' time with each other. But since she asked, we acceded, thinking that if we didn't welcome boyfriend and his two along with the family, she would be miserable and let it be known. so the visit went fine, I played the role of the happy hostess and all had a grand time. Except that, as expected, we missed the quality time with our own grandchildren. SD didn't get it. She and her dad had already talked about the visit, over the phone, before it happened, and the conversation resulted in a shouting match in which dad told her we were unhappy with her bringing boyfriend et al. (Dad/husband also have very mixed feelings about a five year "relationship" that seems to be going nowhere). BUT I never had a conversation with her; more pointedly, she never came to me and said "I really appreciate you accommodating boyfriend and family, I know it was not your way, I hope it's working out ok for you". The problem is, she admires me, or so my husband tells me, and wants to have a closer relationship, but thinks I'm "judgmental". I feel that we are very different people, and that she is unwilling to accept my different opinions about child rearing and who should be included in a family get together. There is some friction now that is largely fomented by me, because of my frustration at having to suppress my real feelings during the summer visit. To be specific, I sent her an email with a list of the things the girls left behind at the Maine house, and suggested that she have them pay for the postage when I send them back. OK, that was interference with her parenting, and out of line. She sent me an nasty email, copy to her dad, in which she said she would be mortified to suggest any such thing to her boyfriend and his girls and she was embarrassed to have me as a sm. I sent her a letter apologizing and trying to explain that I was frustrated with the visit because I would like to have my different views acknowledged if not accepted. She then called her father, appealing to his sympathy, licking her wounds as is her wont, and saying she was finished with trying to be friends with me, she had spent too much time crying over our relationship, and that she is convinced i "don't like her". I have now sent her a second letter, telling her that I feel bad that she wants to dwell on the past, but for her dad's sake could we please just try again. and that for my part I was making a journal of all the things I admire about her -- we are different but the differences are enriching and should be celebrated, not feared. I have not hear from her -- I have asked her to communicate by picking up the phone and calling me, or by real letter --not by email and especially not by going through her father. Any thoughts or advice on where I should go from here? HI, this is the first time I’ve posted, and actually the first time I’ve sought any advice about stepmothering. When I married my husband, it was a first marriage for me, and I had no children. My husband had two, an 11 year old boy and a 22 year old daughter. I’ve done fine with the son, after some lonely and uncomfortable beginnings, it’s all going great with him, his wife, and their little daughter. It’s the sd that I have the difficult relationship with. She is now in her mid-40s. I disagree with most of the choices she’s made in her life — and so does her father, my husband, who, btw, is very supportive of me but loves his daughter and wishes we had a better relationship. The daughter is very different from me. I come from an academically gifted and accomplished family, am a former tax lawyer, and I’m interested in things like tax policy, economics, and art and culture. She is a social worker, doesn’t read books, subscribes to Town and Country and People magazine, and hosts lingerie parties for her girlfriends. She is also divorced, and shares custody of her two daughters. I think she is too permissive with the daughters but they live far from us and my husband and I have little ability to shape them, Mainly we try to expose them to things in life we feel they are missing.
Recently, my sd brought her boyfriend of five years to our family get together, a week in Maine that is our time for bonding with the children and three grandchildren. The boyfriend brought his two girls, who are about the same age as sd’s two girls and get along well. The problem is, she asked to bring them and we (my husband and I) did not want to have them there, as we both felt it changed the dynamics and interfered with our time alone with our granddaughters as well as the cousins’ time with each other. But since she asked, we acceded, thinking that if we didn’t welcome boyfriend and his two along with the family, she would be miserable and let it be known.
so the visit went fine, I played the role of the happy hostess and all had a grand time. Except that, as expected, we missed the quality time with our own grandchildren.
SD didn’t get it. She and her dad had already talked about the visit, over the phone, before it happened, and the conversation resulted in a shouting match in which dad told her we were unhappy with her bringing boyfriend et al. (Dad/husband also have very mixed feelings about a five year “relationship” that seems to be going nowhere). BUT I never had a conversation with her; more pointedly, she never came to me and said “I really appreciate you accommodating boyfriend and family, I know it was not your way, I hope it’s working out ok for you”.
The problem is, she admires me, or so my husband tells me, and wants to have a closer relationship, but thinks I’m “judgmental”. I feel that we are very different people, and that she is unwilling to accept my different opinions about child rearing and who should be included in a family get together. There is some friction now that is largely fomented by me, because of my frustration at having to suppress my real feelings during the summer visit. To be specific, I sent her an email with a list of the things the girls left behind at the Maine house, and suggested that she have them pay for the postage when I send them back. OK, that was interference with her parenting, and out of line. She sent me an nasty email, copy to her dad, in which she said she would be mortified to suggest any such thing to her boyfriend and his girls and she was embarrassed to have me as a sm. I sent her a letter apologizing and trying to explain that I was frustrated with the visit because I would like to have my different views acknowledged if not accepted. She then called her father, appealing to his sympathy, licking her wounds as is her wont, and saying she was finished with trying to be friends with me, she had spent too much time crying over our relationship, and that she is convinced i “don’t like her”.
I have now sent her a second letter, telling her that I feel bad that she wants to dwell on the past, but for her dad’s sake could we please just try again. and that for my part I was making a journal of all the things I admire about her — we are different but the differences are enriching and should be celebrated, not feared.
I have not hear from her — I have asked her to communicate by picking up the phone and calling me, or by real letter –not by email and especially not by going through her father.
Any thoughts or advice on where I should go from here?

]]> By: Kim http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-19976 Kim Mon, 20 Sep 2010 05:34:47 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-19976 Jenna, Bravo to your husband. Please pass along to him that I'm forming a fan club for him..... Jenna, Bravo to your husband.
Please pass along to him that I’m forming a fan club for him…..

]]> By: J.R. http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-19955 J.R. Wed, 15 Sep 2010 23:01:15 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-19955 Right on, Amy! The ONLY reason I do this is for my fiance. He's the ONLY reason I'm here. if he didn't fully support me and tell me every day how much he appreciates me, I'd be long gone. Especially being someone who never wanted children... The children and I get along fine, the younger one is definitely in a loyalty bind but still is nice to me and we laugh and get along. The ex-wife hates me and had made the enemy before she ever met me. I just have to share something my fiance said to her b/c I thought it was pretty great. Normally he just hangs up on her when she starts in, so this time she was complaining about what an awful person I am and how she has no idea why he's with me, so he hangs up on her, but then calls her back and says " if you ever say another word about Jenna, I'll tell you exactly why I'm with her. And trust me, you won't like it". Haha, my hero!! Right on, Amy! The ONLY reason I do this is for my fiance. He’s the ONLY reason I’m here. if he didn’t fully support me and tell me every day how much he appreciates me, I’d be long gone. Especially being someone who never wanted children… The children and I get along fine, the younger one is definitely in a loyalty bind but still is nice to me and we laugh and get along.

The ex-wife hates me and had made the enemy before she ever met me. I just have to share something my fiance said to her b/c I thought it was pretty great. Normally he just hangs up on her when she starts in, so this time she was complaining about what an awful person I am and how she has no idea why he’s with me, so he hangs up on her, but then calls her back and says ” if you ever say another word about Jenna, I’ll tell you exactly why I’m with her. And trust me, you won’t like it”. Haha, my hero!!

]]> By: Amy Louise http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-19929 Amy Louise Fri, 10 Sep 2010 14:51:56 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-19929 Hi. This blog is a good for stepmoms as your book was. You are nearly vital to our survival. Just hooking us up with other stepmoms alone is soooo helpful. Been in my relationship 11 years, six stepkids in all (3 of each). Mom is very insecure and feels the need to turn the girls against me blatantly. The 13 yr old has recently stopped coming for visits (50/50) with her Dad and said she "can't stand to be around me, can't stand me," etc. Another quote is "yes I care about my Dad's happiness, but not enough to tolerate her". It's bad. I think two things are crucial to getting through this situation. The first thing is, sadly, that successful, long-term, happy relationships with stepkids are the exception, not the rule, and rare with girls, I dare say. So, if you don't expect them to like you, you're prepared when they don't. Secondly, the relationship between you and your partner is the most important relationship. It is very hard (if possible) to endure abuse from people if you do not have the support and love of your partner, who is essentially the reason you are putting up with the crap in the first place. At the end of the day the kids are temporary and you are building and sharing a life with that one person, not their kids. There's my two cents, and I am nothing if not battleworn and wise. Love you, Wednesday<3 Hi. This blog is a good for stepmoms as your book was. You are nearly vital to our survival. Just hooking us up with other stepmoms alone is soooo helpful.

Been in my relationship 11 years, six stepkids in all (3 of each). Mom is very insecure and feels the need to turn the girls against me blatantly. The 13 yr old has recently stopped coming for visits (50/50) with her Dad and said she “can’t stand to be around me, can’t stand me,” etc. Another quote is “yes I care about my Dad’s happiness, but not enough to tolerate her”. It’s bad. I think two things are crucial to getting through this situation. The first thing is, sadly, that successful, long-term, happy relationships with stepkids are the exception, not the rule, and rare with girls, I dare say. So, if you don’t expect them to like you, you’re prepared when they don’t. Secondly, the relationship between you and your partner is the most important relationship. It is very hard (if possible) to endure abuse from people if you do not have the support and love of your partner, who is essentially the reason you are putting up with the crap in the first place. At the end of the day the kids are temporary and you are building and sharing a life with that one person, not their kids.

There’s my two cents, and I am nothing if not battleworn and wise. Love you, Wednesday<3

]]> By: admin http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-19906 admin Tue, 31 Aug 2010 19:42:45 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-19906 Jean, Well, you've in the worst of it. Time for some very firm boundaries, boundaries you and your husband agree on. Sounds like you have one in place--his kids are not allowed into your house due to their criminal histories. I hope you and your husband might be able to find an experienced couples therapist who can help the two of you and your marriage to turn the tremendous stress you must have experienced--and still likely are experienced--into something more like a bonding experience. I think it would be well worth the time and money and wish you lots of luck. Please keep us posted. Crystal, Right on the money with your Dx of a loyalty bind! Here's guessing that loyalty binds are also at work in Jean's situation. It always helps to know where the kids are coming from, what is motivating the behavior, and to know that you are NOT alone. For example, to know that kids of all ages post divorce experience loyalty binds if mom will not explicitly release them from them. How well many of us remember weekend with stepkids that depended entirely on the state play with the loyalty bind. And the hot and cold behavior...it can make a stepmother crazy. Which is just the point. One very smart therapist and stepmother told me the challenge for all parents is to separate their mood from that of their children, to be separate, to not let the child or adult child's frame of mind set the tone for the entire household. Doubly important with a stepkid in a loyalty bind! Rebecca, Glad you found some support here from Kim and Talia. Your situation sounds extremely difficult and frustrating--and I do suggest some disengaging, some serious reconsideration about how much you are doing. We feel much less resentful when we're not doing a lot for our stepkids. If we don't buy them clothes, we won't be frustrated that they leave them in a ball on the ground. If we don't bend over backwards making their favorite meals every time they visit, we have taken away the opportunity for them to express their loyalty binds and ambivalence by picking at it and pronouncing it not very good. Etc. Etc. Etc. In a way, helping your SC pack for college set you up for tremendous frustration and kudos to you for seeing a dynamic that you can easily change! I am imagining that not only your stepkids but your husband and his ex-spouse will be making adjustments as you cut back on what you do, focusing more on your own mental and physical health, your friendships, and your marriage. I think you might really like the book The Happy Stepmother by my friend and colleague Dr. Rachelle Katz. It is full of exercises and suggestions about how to remain steady in a step-situation full of challenges. xx to you all, wednesday Jean,
Well, you’ve in the worst of it. Time for some very firm boundaries, boundaries you and your husband agree on. Sounds like you have one in place–his kids are not allowed into your house due to their criminal histories. I hope you and your husband might be able to find an experienced couples therapist who can help the two of you and your marriage to turn the tremendous stress you must have experienced–and still likely are experienced–into something more like a bonding experience. I think it would be well worth the time and money and wish you lots of luck. Please keep us posted.

Crystal,
Right on the money with your Dx of a loyalty bind! Here’s guessing that loyalty binds are also at work in Jean’s situation. It always helps to know where the kids are coming from, what is motivating the behavior, and to know that you are NOT alone. For example, to know that kids of all ages post divorce experience loyalty binds if mom will not explicitly release them from them. How well many of us remember weekend with stepkids that depended entirely on the state play with the loyalty bind. And the hot and cold behavior…it can make a stepmother crazy. Which is just the point. One very smart therapist and stepmother told me the challenge for all parents is to separate their mood from that of their children, to be separate, to not let the child or adult child’s frame of mind set the tone for the entire household. Doubly important with a stepkid in a loyalty bind!

Rebecca,
Glad you found some support here from Kim and Talia. Your situation sounds extremely difficult and frustrating–and I do suggest some disengaging, some serious reconsideration about how much you are doing. We feel much less resentful when we’re not doing a lot for our stepkids. If we don’t buy them clothes, we won’t be frustrated that they leave them in a ball on the ground. If we don’t bend over backwards making their favorite meals every time they visit, we have taken away the opportunity for them to express their loyalty binds and ambivalence by picking at it and pronouncing it not very good. Etc. Etc. Etc. In a way, helping your SC pack for college set you up for tremendous frustration and kudos to you for seeing a dynamic that you can easily change! I am imagining that not only your stepkids but your husband and his ex-spouse will be making adjustments as you cut back on what you do, focusing more on your own mental and physical health, your friendships, and your marriage. I think you might really like the book The Happy Stepmother by my friend and colleague Dr. Rachelle Katz. It is full of exercises and suggestions about how to remain steady in a step-situation full of challenges.
xx to you all,
wednesday

]]> By: Jean http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/2010/08/sticks-and-stones-a-stepmothers-guide-to-being-disliked/comment-page-1/#comment-19903 Jean Mon, 30 Aug 2010 19:23:40 +0000 http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/?p=1222#comment-19903 I always thought things would get better when the last of my 4 step kids moved out....it only means they are not 'physically' here. The pain is always present. I was actually blown away at the hate and pain that I received from these step kids....I have four kids of my own. And yes, in spite of everything I tried, I was destined to fail. I have a professional career, child pshyc background and fairly happy kids and even my ex and his wife....but the hate that exists with the stepkids has permiated everything and everywhere they are. I have had my car stolen, our house has been broken into, large items missing and each time they seem to be 'justified by default' because of their terrible childhood. Their childhood was will my husband and I so the fact that it wasn't with their mother??? I believe the hate is like a pact they have with their mom and this has caused them to developed into some type of psycho illness. They are now 19-29 years old and aren't allowed in our house because of the stealing, (they even thought it ok to steal bags of food from their grandmother's last Christmas...."because she would never know". and each have they're own criminal history of DWIs, stealing, breaking and entery, minor consumption, assualt and even a few gross misdemeanor charges. I always thought things would get better when the last of my 4 step kids moved out….it only means they are not ‘physically’ here. The pain is always present. I was actually blown away at the hate and pain that I received from these step kids….I have four kids of my own. And yes, in spite of everything I tried, I was destined to fail. I have a professional career, child pshyc background and fairly happy kids and even my ex and his wife….but the hate that exists with the stepkids has permiated everything and everywhere they are. I have had my car stolen, our house has been broken into, large items missing and each time they seem to be ‘justified by default’ because of their terrible childhood. Their childhood was will my husband and I so the fact that it wasn’t with their mother??? I believe the hate is like a pact they have with their mom and this has caused them to developed into some type of psycho illness. They are now 19-29 years old and aren’t allowed in our house because of the stealing, (they even thought it ok to steal bags of food from their grandmother’s last Christmas….”because she would never know”. and each have they’re own criminal history of DWIs, stealing, breaking and entery, minor consumption, assualt and even a few gross misdemeanor charges.

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