Permissive Parenting Makes Life Hell for Stepmothers–Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom
Amy Chua has it out for permissive parents. So do I!
What happens to kids when parents are permissive and indulgent? Research suggests that they are lower functioning across several measures–socially, emotionally, and academically–and they certainly aren’t much fun to be around. This is a legacy they bring with them into adulthood; many of today’s twenty-somethings, researchers like Ron Taffel note, were raised with so much indiscriminate and unwarranted praise, and so few appropriate boundaries and rules, that they have an inflated sense of their own importance and achievements, and unrealistic expectations not only within their own family system, but also in the world (I am reminded of a nanny candidate with a B.A. but zero full-time nanny experience who told me she “required” an outrageous salary–in cash –”in order to be happy”)
I hope it’s not too confusing that my most recent post was about the Mommy Tiger–and this one is about Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, wherein she asserts that there is a place for strict, authoritarian parenting.
It’s something stepmothers might dream about–parents so firm that stepmom gets to seem fun in comparison. Alas, too often the opposite is the case. Divorced dads are notoriously guilty and permissive parents. Single moms may be so frazzled and busy (or undermining of the child’s relationship with dad and stepmom) that they don’t do their part to raise responsible and considerate children on their end. And so the stepmom with normal expectations looks draconian and wicked compared to “good time Mom” and “Disney Dad.”
Sound familiar? Hope you will read my piece on different parenting styles, and why permissive parenting is for the birds, on psychologytoday.com
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201101/the-taunting-tiger-mom-and-her-lessons
Tags: Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, blended family, divorce, family, remarriage, remarriage with children, step mother, stepchildren, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
January 25th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
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January 25th, 2011 at 11:13 pm
Right on. We wrestle all the time with the consequences of overly permissive (to the point of neglectful) parenting, on young adults now in their twenties.
The question I ask myself all the times is: are people in their twenties too old to change? Is their personality already set, so that it’s unrealistic to hope for more empathy and less narcissism? Does setting boundaries with narcissistic young adults help them act more mature? Or does it simply make life more bearable for old people? (Not an insignificant goal in itself.)
January 26th, 2011 at 9:40 am
This is probably one of the biggest reasons I don’t get along well with people my age. I just turned 30 and even when I was in high school, I couldn’t understand the parents who would criticize teachers who suggested that their children had attitude problems. “My child would never do that” or “You must be mistaken,” or sometimes even uglier. Now these people think that they deserve fabulous salaries from the get-go and that they shouldn’t have to work hard to get where they want to be. After all, mommy and daddy always swept in and did the project at the last minute when the kid forgot or didn’t care enough to do it; mommy and daddy paid for their college educations and saved their butts when they were dangerously close to being kicked out. Why should they have to settle now? I even have acquaintances that I graduated college with who have “real” jobs but who STILL live with their parents. I don’t get it. I paid for my own college and graduate school and took an entry-level job at the university where I wanted to work making MUCH less than I was happy with, but after a year I was promoted with a 20% raise and last year (3 years after I started working) I took a new position in a different department with a 37% pay increase. I now make 75% more than when I began working 4 years ago and am making a better salary than many of my peers, because I was happy to take ANY job that would put me on the path toward where I wanted to go, instead of waiting for the fantasy job to come along. Even though I knew I could do the work I wanted to do, I needed a track record to back me up. I didn’t like it, but I accepted it and worked within the guidelines set in the workplace. I think many parents have made life too easy for their children and are setting them up for disappointment at best, or failure at worst (or maybe best?) in the real world. I am glad that I was taught that I needed to work for what I wanted and that I couldn’t rely on anyone else to get me where I wanted to go. Since my stepchildren have lived full time with me for the past 3 years, they are learning this lesson as well. They still have a long way to go, but they’re getting there, and they have definitely learned that if they don’t take care of expensive gifts (e.g., iPods), then they can buy the replacement themselves.
January 26th, 2011 at 10:53 am
You’re describing the dynamic of my marriage to a T! My husband is Mr. Permissive/Laid Back/Anything Goes and it makes me seem and feel like a witch in comparison. I am so tired of it. We will try for couple’s therapy–again. I will try to state my views calmly, in non-accusatory language. I am here to tell everyone that when kids aren’t given consequences and boundaries, they do in fact turn into very difficult twenty-somethings. My husband does as Wedesday describes parent from a place of guilt. That means no never means no in our household, it means ask again, ask another parent, ask in a different way. For a long time it meant Go ahead and be nasty to your stepmom. But I put an end to that myself. I told my husband that if he didn’t tell them to at least be civil to me when they visited here during their teens I would move out. It was a big showdown. I “won”. It did help my marriage that he took this position but it doesn’t come naturally to him. It is a constant struggle. I hope it will improve when they are more focused on their own lives which is happening now. He will never be a strict parent and I will never be what Wednesday calls a doormat. Slowly my husband and I are getting to a place of agreement–it has taken years to find a place of agreement!
January 26th, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Johanna–
You are living a life much like mine. My husband and I are currently in therapy because he allows (although he still denies it) his children to treat me poorly. Do you know that the only thing they say to me the entire week they are living in my house is hello and good-bye?! Can you say stress? How about awkward? I find myself leaving (as do my daughters when they are home from College) because it is such a strained atmosphere. He insists he ‘can’t make them talk to me’. My response is always that he wouldn’t allow them to treat their teachers, coaches or HIS family this way, yet he allows them to treat me (the person he sleeps next to each night) so poorly. UGH! I pray the therapist can help otherwise, it could be the end of our marriage…
Parents need to parent their children. Discipline is love. Once we all get on board, then I know life will be a whole lot easier.
January 26th, 2011 at 4:00 pm
“Discipline is love”–amen to that Talia. This is an ongoing, never-ending thing in my own marriage. Like Johanna I can call it a ongoing struggle. How I want to stop struggling about everything! I have glimmers of a time when life will be easier since my stepkids also are in their late teens and early twenties. I hope and pray they will become independent. Because they’re not people I enjoy spending time around, owing to their sense of entitlement. It is hard to listen to all the entitlement even when they are just here for dinner. They seem to think that everything they want–a car, and iPod, a great job–should be theirs just because. There is no sense that if you want something, you have to work and try. Because mom and dad never said no–I literally have never heard them say that word to their kids in 15 years!
Thanks for this! I feel less alone and less insane. And I even feel less angry now that I read all this.
January 26th, 2011 at 5:18 pm
My biokids were raised in a decently strict atmosphere, with me being the disciplinarian. I did all I could to make them “earn” what they wanted from an early age. I am so thankful i did this. There were many times I felt like a meanie, but it paid off.
Now my SD, whom is now 16, was raised with a VERY permissive Dad. My DH is still way too permissive. She has no clue what it takes to survive. She often tells BM that she wants to live on her own. Yes on her own with daddy supporting her LOL.
She was living with us but about 6 mos ago moved in with BM. BM tries to put her foot down, but then has to put up with major temper tantrums. This is what she tells me. I have no proof.
BUT I do believe her! I can see it in SD’s eyes and she knows I can and rarely makes eye contact with me.
Honestly I am glad she doesn’t live with us anymore. She does come daily tho to attend cyber school. Another thing I disagree with, but I help her and log her hours and check her work. BM has no computer skills at all.
But I am fearful that all these permissively kids are gonna grow into adults that have no clue about life. Then what is gonna happen to our society?????
January 30th, 2011 at 2:42 pm
There’s nothing wrong about discipline as far as bringing up your children is concerned but nobody can claim that Amy’s approach is right since it apparently lacks the balance between what parents require from their children and the actual capacity of these children to perform well. I think the rationale behind writing this book is her wish to boost the sales and become more popular.
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