Happy Other’s Day
No, that’s not a typo. Some of you who read my blog are mothers who also have stepchildren. Some of you are straight up stepmothers, and today is likely more complicated for you than it is for those stepmothers who also have kids of their own.
Yes, I just said that, “kids of their own.” Because as anyone who reads my blog knows, I am not one of those people who urges you to think of yourself as their “other mother” or a mom figure or like a mom in any way. Unless you want a whole world of trouble, loyalty binds, and resentment heaped upon you. Instead, women with stepkids can feel free to consider the whole range of options available to us–from very involved, if kids and their mom are okay with that, to not very involved at all, just a welcoming presence. There’s a whole stepmothering spectrum, and sentimentalizing and romanticizing how the “bond” between women and their stepkids of any age “should” be only sets us up for hurt and disappointment.
If your husband’s kids didn’t call you for Mother’s Day, that might just be the very best development ever. Most likely, they have a mom, and being in touch with you today could make them feel disloyal to her. It’s not about your efforts, which have been wonderful, or your personality, which I know is far from wicked. It’s just that, since parents and stepparents are not the same, it’s different. Happy Other’s Day to you. Because you’re more than “another mother”–you’re a person with the freedom to live this relationship with his kids that way that feels authentic to you.
Tags: adult stepchildren, blended family, divorce, family, remarriage, remarriage with children, step mother, stepchildren, stepfamily, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
May 8th, 2011 at 4:21 pm
Happy Other’s Day to you too! I like the image of a spectrum of ways to be, like a rainbow of stepmothers. As Jesse Jackson used to say, the spectrum of stepmothers looks like America.
May 8th, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Well said, as always Wednesday. Happy Other’s Day to you too!
May 9th, 2011 at 7:37 am
Happy Other’s Day to all Stepmom’s!
Another fantastic post Wednesday!
May 14th, 2011 at 12:54 am
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for being an intelligent, compassionate, well-written, at times researched and balanced site (this probably describes you as a person as well, but I have only gotten to know your site). I have been trying to find a site that involved step-parenting that felt like ME. Go on wit’ yer bad self…
May 16th, 2011 at 6:56 pm
Great article. Saved on StumbleUpon
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘356446528 which is not a hashcash value.
July 12th, 2012 at 12:56 am
I know this article is meant for step mothers and in my case I have a step father who married my mother when my dad was out of the picture and later had true children with my mother. He took a similar approach as you mentioned and it’s never been easy to not have a dad, while my siblings did. I think if you marry into a family, you are marrying the entire family. Just my two cents.