What to do about a stepchild in a loyalty bind? How about…less!
If his kids are in a loyalty bind, take care of YOU
Joanne Richard wrote
this article about stepchildren and adult stepchildren in loyalty binds and what a stepmother “should” do to improve the situation. My answer was…nothing! Joanne also quotes my colleague and good friend Dr. Rachelle Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother, one of the only reasearch-based books out there for stepmothers other than my own. Hope you will have a read…and leave a comment.
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, loyalty bind, remarriage, remarriage with children, stepchild, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
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May 18th, 2011 at 10:43 am
Great article! I forwarded it to people.
May 18th, 2011 at 3:43 pm
So does this also mean that I am free to not attend my stepdaughter’s 8th grade graduation ceremony? The middle school years have been especially unpleasant for me, as I’ve been roundly and rudely shut out of all the areas of her life where I used to be a welcomed participant. I don’t particularly want to subject myself to this event, which will mean more tension, more exclusion — and more time in the company of her graceless, unkind mother.
May 18th, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Kathy,
Are you asking for advice? If so, I will give it. Feel free to decline to attend the graduation ceremony–and be strategic about it, so that you are not only off the hook but you get credit for being wonderful, rather than roundly criticized for “not trying.”
Tell your husband and your stepdaughter that you know that it is awkward for her, and difficult for her, when she is around you and her mother at the same time. And that for this reason, you will stay home rather than put her in a tough spot on her big day. And that you’re very proud of her and hope she has a wonderful time. It is all 100% true, that’s the beautiful part.
And then do something completely fun and 100% for yourself during the time you would be at the ceremony. What will that be? xx wednesday
May 19th, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Excellent article! I have learned, sadly the hard way, that a relationship with my stepchildren just isn’t possible. The good thing is, I am really okay with this. It used to trouble me greatly, but no more.
This is just another great article that every stepmother should read! I only wish I’d had access to this information years ago. It would have saved me a lot of aggrevation, anger and resentment.
Thank you, Wednesday for sharing your education with all of us!
May 19th, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Wednesday, that is great advice. Good luck, Kathy!
What advice do you have for a stepmom who feels pressured to make time for one-on-one activities with her stepdaughter when her new marriage is fragile and when the loyalty bind to mom is fiercely strong?
Hubby and I are in counseling and this is the therapist’s suggestion and my husband’s strong desire. The truth is, I don’t feel the pull to be alone with my stepdaughter. In fact, I feel pulling in the opposite direction, away from her.
May 19th, 2011 at 5:31 pm
I love the suggestion of “shoulder to shoulder” activities vs. “eyeball to eyeball” activities!!
May 19th, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Hi Laura,
I have a couple of thoughts. One is that in a remarriage with children/stepfamily, all members to best with one-on-one activities and interactions. The lingo is that stepfamilies bond diadically–one-on-one. “Family” activities where everyone is together freak out stepkids and stepparents, activating their fears of being outsiders. So doing something low-key, shoulder-to-shouler with your stepdaughter is preferable to you, your husband, and his daughter all going out and doing something together (though inevitably, of course, you will sometimes do this).
So they’re right that this is the preferable dynamic. However, these things can’t be forced. If you are not feeling it, and don’t want to spend alone time with her, maybe let her have some alone time with dad. It’s strategic–you get a break and time to rejuvenate by yourself or with a friend, and you also get to let her see that you are not some threatening “Dad hog.” Meanwhile, most dads who spend alone time with their daughters enjoy it…and shortly realize their daughter or child is far from perfect! So giving them alone time will serve everyone.
I don’t like you being pressured to spend time with her if it doesn’t feel authentic, however. You might tell your husband and your therapist WHY you don’t want to do so yet or for the time being. No one, including and especially a therapist, should be setting some timeframe for this relationship to develop. Period. If she is in a loyalty find, requiring her to spend alone time with you could really backfire, exacerbating her resentment of you and leading her to behave in rejecting ways.
If and when you do some alone time with her, it should happen organically. Say, for example, you like baking. your husband can leave the house, you can bake, and she can come join and help you, or talk to you while you bake, or just be nearby while you do it, or just have a scone with you afterwards. Or, if you like puzzles, you can start one, and your husband can go out and she might do the puzzle with you. It’s a great way to be together without directly “relating” and feels good to lots of stepkids.
Good luck, there are plenty of other ideas in my book and previous posts and also in my posts on psychologytoday.com
May 20th, 2011 at 8:17 am
Thanks, Wednesday, for the advice! You offer a good and constructive way to frame the situation. Happily, we just received in the mail 2 tickets for the graduation event, so I can be even more gracious by saying that I want her brother (my son) to take the second ticket because his sister means so much to him.
I also wanted to offer my two cents to Laura’s situation. It sounds to me like your therapist is not familiar with stepfamily dynamics, and I think it’s important for you to recognize that. For many years, my husband and I saw (and still see, though separately, which is much better for me) a wonderful, smart and good hearted therapist who was NOT particularly skilled or equipped to deal with the particularities of stepfamily issues and it took me a long time to realize that this was a problem. He kept applying first-family solutions to our stepfamily problems, and it put me in an especially difficult spot. When I finally realized what was going on, and finally articulated the reasons why his approach only added to the pressure I was feeling, he was very responsive and open to my point of view — but it took a lot of strength, clarity and outside support (conversations with a trusted woman friend, also a stepmother) on my part to finally speak up. I’m not sure I could have done it during the early, fragile stages of my marriage.
It sounds to me like you know your own truth, and that’s extremely valuable. In my own experience with my stepdaughter, movies are good, because it’s time alone together where you don’t have to talk. Either way, good luck. A lot of us have been there and we know how tough it is.
May 20th, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Thank you for this article. My first impression while reading it was sadness at the possibility that I might not connect with my husbands four children. But living with a realistic expecation is much better than false hope and disappointment. I appreciate your brutal honesty and advice.
May 20th, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Movies and puzzles, both great suggestions! “shoulder-to-shoulder” is my new mantra.
Wednesday, I have your book and consider it my bible! I’m so appreciative of you taking the time to personally address my situation. You are very wise and I don’t know what I would do without you as a resource. This is my first marriage at 35 and I have no children of my own.
Kathy, the jury is still out on our therapist. We’ve only had 2 visits with her so far. I’ve made a list of things I intend to share during our next visit. Just tell me how long it takes to sort it all out?? Ha! Sounds like you’ve been working on the same for years.
May 20th, 2011 at 7:20 pm
My 18 year old stepdaughter who lived with us half time for two and a half years, has been living with her mom for the past nine months. She was extremely uncomfortable at our house and was acting out. We are aware that she is in a huge loyalty bind. She has told my husband that even though she has no complaints about me, she does not want anything to do with me. She said she will meet him outside of our house if I don’t come with him. Her two older siblings refuse to even meet with my husband since he and I have been married. I feel if my husband agrees to his daughter’s request, she is running the show and her hurtful behavior is being rewarded. Do you have any recommendations?
May 20th, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Thanks for sharing another great article Wednesday! It dispels myths about stepmothers (again) & empowers those of us in that very difficult position. A bit off topic, but I have found that articles like this make the vast majority of people (especially those not in step-situations) very very uncomfortable. It’s not something I talk about much, because most people just don’t get it and are so quick to criticize/blame/judge women in our position. I don’t even like referring to myself as a stepmother because of all the negative connotations. every time I share something from your blog on my Facebook page, or bring up a point made in your book, there’s an uncomfortable loud silence and I inevitably feel blamed again. I know this might all be in my head, but it’s hard to feel supported or understood when people look away or just don’t say anything. I share your posts sometimes because I believe people need to be educated about this stuff and because there are more and more step situations every day. Bravo to you for being courageous to speak up for us all! I think it takes a lot of cojones to do what you’ve done and continue to do, and I for one am supremely grateful. Your book changed my life.
May 23rd, 2011 at 1:19 pm
Ellen, I thought I was reading my own life when I began reading your post! My 2 SDs lived with us half the time (happily) for 5 years before they really started acting out and blaming me for everything under the sun- from their rocky relationship with their dad to global warming! If you listen to my SDs, you might believe that I single-handedly took food away from all the starving babies in the developing world…You just can’t win, here. No matter how hard you try it will be wrong, according to the SKs.
My best advice is to skip all the heartache and angst associated with thinking your SD is “running the show” and being rewarded for hurtful behavior. Don’t fall into her trap of making you her competitor for your husband’s energy. The SKs will never accept you as long as they are in a loyalty bind. It’s not right and it’s not fair or respectful to you- you’re completely right. But the bottom line is your husband wants to have a relationship with his children. I told my husband (when his kids were older and out of our house, hating me with every fiber of their beings) that he should feel free to go and see them whenever he wants, as long as we don’t already have plans- and NOT in our house. This way, we both felt a measure of control, and he has to go put up with their awful behavior by himself- while I go and do something fun for myself. I come back refreshed, and he comes back drained. We understand that their hatred of me is their problem, ascerbated by the BM.That’s our best option right now.
More than half the time they cancel plans he has made with them, anyway.
May 23rd, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Marie: Thanks for your feedback. You are probably right. Though my husband feels like he is living two separate lives. It is very hard on him. After being treated the way I have been treated by my stepkids, I have told my own children that they better be nice to their stepmom and not treat her the way my steps treat me. Sounds like they all get along. I am very happy about that.
Peace & Harmony
May 24th, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Ellen, you sound like a very caring, thoughtful mom! Good on you!
And your children WILL treat their SM with respect, because you have allowed them to; they won’t have the conflict and grief in their hearts that your SK’s have.
If anyone out there has advice for me, I’m desperate. Here’s my situation that I’m now having trouble with:
My husband went and talked to his kids (they live with BM only now), telling them that they MUST apologize to me for their bad behavior over the last two years, or else HE will be disappointed with them (they are 16 and 18-year old girls).
…Never mind that I’ve been telling them their role in how to fix this situation for months and months, upon deaf ears…
The next day, only one of them sent me an email- an entirely insincere and condescending “apology”. (It was really more of an insult.) My problem is my husband- he has absolved them both of all past bad behavior because of this one email. He thinks it’s great, she did what he told her to do, and he doesn’t see how forcing them to apologize isn’t “real”. (I never expected a real apology from them anytime in the next ten years or so; this was his idea.) He thinks the way is now clear to sunny skies and happy family times ahead, while I am here, being made to feel like the bad guy- again- for not accepting her so-called apology. I have told him so many times I feel like a broken record- that when they apologize for their behavior AND express a desire to become a part of our family again, I will sit down and talk with them. That’s it- no less. I will NOT invite them over for a family BBQ, serve them like guests, shut up and pretend the last two very hurtful years have been erased. I can’t do it- my gut tells me it’s wrong.
So now he thinks I should “stop dwelling in the past” and accept them back into my heart and home, because HE wants everyone to get along. But not only do I not trust them, I don’t want to be around them. I don’t like them and I don’t want to entertain them in my home- I’d be sooo resentful. I’m actually resentful now that my husband expects this will happen. Help!
May 27th, 2011 at 9:32 am
Olivia:
I will try to take a stab at this. I can tell there is a lot of pain around your situation. I sense you are not getting support from your husband. In my mind, you have a right to set boundaries around your stepkids if they are treating you badly. You will probably never get a sincere apology from your stepkids. I have learned that most stepkids don’t view their behavior as inappropriate and hurtful. Take care of yourself. If the stepkids are around and you feel uncomfortable about it , go out with your friends, go to a movie. In other words, do something fun so you can get your mind off the steps. Or you can tell your husband that until you are comfortable with the kids, he will have to meet them outside of your home. If you have medical insurance, I think you would benefit from counseling so you can get the tools and support you need to cope with your situation. Having said all of that, I would not have a problem with my husband telling his kids they need to apologize to me. I do see that as him letting them know that he expects them to treat you with courtesy. I will send much positive energy your way. I hope things get better for you.
May 27th, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Thank you, ellen, you have some good advice.
My SDs (17 & 18) are not currently living with us, nor will they visit- for over a year. They told everyone that I “kicked them out”, when really they just didn’t come home one day. We were frantic- until we learned they had secretly moved all their things one day (when we were at work) to their BM’s house across town- with her blessing! No one told us; we had no clue what they were planning and they never said they were unhappy at our house before. We have a D together who was 5 at the time and very upset about it all. So, after months and months of fruitless family counseling with my stonefaced SDs insisting that all their issues were MY fault, I threw in the towel. I stopped contributing to their counseling, I stopped asking them to come back, etc. Life was peaceful for me when I finally realized it doesn’t matter that they don’t like me and to be honest I really didn’t like who they became. (They were doing nothing to like.) We simply agreed to NOT have a relationship, which took a load off me.
My husband sees them (outside our home) whenever they will allow it- when they have time for him, which is not often. They’ve shown no interest in seeing their younger half-sister. I said they would be welcomed back when they treated me with respect and civility, and expressed a willingness to become part of our family again. That hasn’t happened, of course.
Sometimes my husband and I argue about it; he wants me to “be more understanding”, which translated means “be their doormat again”. To end my resentment, I told him he needs to tell me- specifically- what he would like me to do for him/them, BUT then he must tell me what HE is going to do- specifically- to support me in that effort, and I will consider if it’s doable.
That’s the best I can muster right now. And guess what? He hasn’t brought up one thing yet for me to do for them/him, because it means HE has to work for it, too- he has to support me in front of them. I’ve been the bellhop in this family for way too long, carrying and balancing everyone else’s baggage! It felt so good to say “No more. You guys work out your own issues- they have nothing to do with me.”
June 8th, 2011 at 2:16 pm
I have enjoyed reading this article because it shed a lot of light on the feelings I’m having currently.
My situation is that I’m living with my BF and his ex has full custody. She does things like telling him that our house has monsters in it so the child cried himself to sleep 2 nights during one of the BFs weekends. That house place he just ‘visits’ and is not his home. Definite loyalty binds here. I’ve taken your advice to heart and am taking care of me so I can cope. It works most of the time.
My delima is this: while I like the SS well enough, the BF is acting like we’re one big happy family. Planning all sorts of threesome activities and such. Talk lately centers around the summer schedule for weeks before it starts. Trips are planned for ‘fun’ things for us to do.
I’m glad he’s trying to be a good father, but he’s broke, I’m not. I resent the idea that I will most likely putting in some funds for these outings, whereas if it were not for the SS I wouldn’t be doing them at all. I should mention that I also cover a larger portion of our living expenses. I have asked him to go without me on several occasions and he doesn’t like that idea because he doesn’t want to leave me out. How do I get him to understand that I am not, and nor will I ever be the loving, happy stepmother? I’m content with coexisting and letting the relationship develop as it will and not putting pressure on the SS to ‘like/love’ me. We get along fine right now, I don’t want loyalty binds building between him and his BM.
June 8th, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Brenda, I know you were probably looking for advice from Wednesday, but may I give you some?
I have a child of my own, and my fiance–almost husband! has a teen daughter. We rarely see her. I mean–every few months. This should be easy, right? Wrong.
When she comes to visit, my fiance wants us to do “big, happy family” stuff….which we are not. I don’t really enjoy Sd’s visits anymore since she acts like I am either not in the room or is rude when my fiance is not around. Why would I want to go on “outings” with her? I don’t!
So….I keep telling my fiance to plan trips for himself and his daughter. So far, this only works I have something planned for the day for myself and my son. I have actually come right out and told him that the visits are for him and his daughter, they are not for me. He is the one that wants to maintain a relationship with her, not me (anymore).
I am not sure how this is all going to pan out, but at least I feel better having voiced the fact that I don’t really want to be part of these “family” outings. There is some resistance, especially since I am the one who owns a car, and thus I “have to” go if he wants to go somewhere far away.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I am in the midst of figuring all this stuff out. My fiance is slooooowly learning that his dream of a big happy family is not realistic. I understand how it hurts to let go of this idea–believe me, it hurt me also when I realized I would never have the family I always dreamed of. But, I would rather be honest. And not resentful of the time and money I spend on his less-than-friendly child. I understand she is probably in a loyalty bind, and that her reasons for not liking me are probably about that and not about anything that I did…..but that doesn’t mean I have to just sit back and smile through her rudeness, either. But I digress.
My fiance is just going to have to come to terms with certain facts, like I have come to terms with certain facts and feelings. I know that I feel a lot less resentful when I state what I think and feel, what I am willing to do, and then stick to it. My fiance is already planning a weekend away at a cabin for “the four of us”, and I think I would probably prefer not to go. We’ll see.
June 9th, 2011 at 9:49 am
One of the things I recently did to help my children with what I was perceiving as stress over loyalty issues was tell them the legend of the Chinese Red Thread. We also created a poem about this idea which I have included below. This poem speaks to the bond we often feel for our stepchildren and they feel for us. Our relationship is usually undocumented- we are not mentioned in the court documents or, of course, the birth certificates. Yet, the our relationship can be such a presence in the child’s life. My own stepchildren were struggling with loyalty issues- they liked and loved me, yet felt they were disloyal to their Mom because she hated me. I told them the legend of the Chinese red thread. That every soul is born with red threads connecting him or her important people in his or her life. As the child ages, the thread pulls those important people to him or her- and that is what I saw happening with my stepkids. I did not meet my stepdaughter until she was 7 and my stepson at age 4, yet our bond is tight and fulfilling. By sharing this poem and legend with them, I had hoped to give my stepchildren and myself a relationship context from which to exist in -freely and lovingly as we saw fit.
RED THREAD CHILDREN
The script of our union was seven years past
The laying down of signatures
In scroll
Enthralled as they were in the moment when birth releases into life
The maelstrom of blood and death
Did you sign your fate with pedaled ink?
Too innocent for accepted declaration
Our fate
Existence-less
In the documented state
The legend of the red thread would endorse what others could not see
That little red filament – a Chinese legend of a child’s soul tie to a home
Red stitch by red stitch
Click, click, click
Where was I?
Seven years past knowing you from the beginning
The thread as red as the hand that stutters across the face of time
You were mine and I was yours
My Red Thread Children
June 11th, 2011 at 6:37 pm
I’ve been a SD for ten years to 2 SD (now 16 & 18), and we have a BD together (7). The SDs and I were very close (they lived with us half the time) until the BM became crazy jealous and promised material goods if they would live with her exclusively. And they did, with almost no contact with us for 2 years (except for gift-getting events). I believe b/c of the BM’s attitude toward me (she told my husband that she thinks I am “a better mom” than she is- and so here’s where the bad behavior stems) — now for the last year, the SDs have turned on ME, accusing me of all kinds of evil things that never happened. And the awful, exclusionary, petty and disrespectful behavior that followed was mind-boggling! I was shocked and extremely hurt for a long time, with my husband and his family telling me to “suck it up” and “be the grown up and ignore it” and “just be more understanding”. I became more and more resentful of everyone, especially my husband. Needless to say, I was not feeling supported.
Well, I finally figured it out- and this blog was an enormous help to me. I was at the end of my rope. Years of pent-up resentment fueled my resolve to say “NO- I’m just not doing this anymore. We’ve tried it ‘your way’ for years and it doesn’t work! Don’t ask me to try ‘fixing it’ with your kids anymore- that’s your job. You go have your relationships with them and leave me out of it.”
A huge weight has been lifted off me for being true to myself. My husband is trying to cope with the shift, although I know he still resents me “quitting”. But I don’t regret a thing- I’m free, and I think a more pleasant person for it.
Two weeks ago, my oldest SD only invited her dad to her graduation ceremony and party, not me. He insisted to me it was a “mistake”, but he learned after talking to her that she snubbed me on purpose.
In a way, I hope he’s finally seeing their behavior for what it is- their problem that has nothing to do with me. Maybe one day we will be able to put this behind us, but I know that no matter what happens now, I will never feel the same towards them that I did up to two years ago. They broke my trust by lying about me and rejected my olive branches several times- and I think the best I can do in the future is to be civil to them one day. No more- the well is dry. If anyone has advice on how to “forgive the past” when it comes to near-adult SD, I’m willing to hear it.
June 14th, 2011 at 11:26 pm
Margaret: My heart goes out to you and your BD. How sad that she has to witness her two siblings behaving badly. Sounds like your husband has to pour some cement down his spine. After he does that he needs to read the riot act to his daughters. It seems to me until he does, your best strategy is to put distance and time between you and your steps.
June 16th, 2011 at 1:29 am
Can anyone tell me if I’m headed in the right direction with my adult SD. She is now 25 with a 4 year old son, and has moved back home since splitting with the second relationship after the boy’s father. She returned in tears, little boy in tow. She admitted to having a drug problem which she could no longer control and wanted help for. She admitted to having hepatitis from the needles she used. She was severely underweight and the boy was almost ferral, having bad eating habbits and no routine and already a bad attitude.
My first reaction was to get SD to a doctor and sort out the hepatitis and get referral for drug clinics etc. This took several visits but we sorted it out. I bought vitamins for both SD and grandson, provided all the food etc needed to get them back into good health. We booked the boy into daycare twice a week to socialise him and give her a break. All seemed to be going fine. Her father helped her buy a car as the old one, which her father gave her, was in disrepair. That’s the 4th car she’s had since 17. At least she is paying her Dad back fortnightly for this one. She may have more respect this time.
We all seemed to tolerate each other. SD had a foul mouth on her, which I continually corrected her for, and now it’s very minimal. She started a part time mechanics course and seemed to really enjoy it.
That was all 6 months ago and that’s pretty good in that time, I thought. But now she has announced that she will never leave the house. She has said she would be crazy to leave as everything she wants is there. It seems we have done too much now. She doesn’t pay a cent for board, doesn’t contribute to any groceries, power, phone, and all the expenses involved with owning a house. She rarely cooks to help out, even though she is at home all day. She rents DVDs off the net and watches them and TV most of the day. She buys things on Ebay often and say she could never afford it before, but now she can buy what she wants.
I have always said the door is open should any of our kids need to come home but I have never meant forever. I need my space too and it’s a small house.I am going without to buy what is needed to support SD and her son, while she happily buys what she wants. I even buy the special milk for her son as he’s lactose intolerant. When it runs out, she doesn’t replace it, but gives him watered down milk. My husband and I work full time and it doesn’t seem right that she sits at home in style while we work all the time.
I came home from work one night last week for her to greet me by saying there was nothing in the house for tea and her son is hungry. It seems I have made a rod for my own back. I thought a 25 year old mother would appreciate help, and then want to get on her own 2 feet. But this isn’t happening.
I am starting to feel resentful that she is there at all. I want my own home back. I am tired of sneaking around the house in the morning because I want to get ready for work, but not wake her up as she doesn”t get up til ;8.30-9am, even though her son is running around hours before that. I am tired of not having my own kitchen to myself to cook what I want, not what she and the little one like. I am tired of having the lounge taken up watching something I don’t want to watch at all. I am tired of going to my room and hiding so I don’t have to contend with it all. I am tired of being used.
I don’t want to make enemies with her and I know my husband wants to keep the bond with his grandson. But the resentment is growing each day. I see no easy way of getting her to move on now that she’s got herself together. Her father doesn’t want to approach the subject incase it has a bad affect on her and that doesn’t help at all. What can I do to make her want to make a life for herself?
June 19th, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Shaz: You and your husband need to sit down and immediately come up with rules that your stedaughter must abide by or find another place to stay. First of all, she needs to get a job. She must help around the house and she must take care of her son – no more sleeping until 8:30-9:00am if her son is awake. I think she should also plan and cook several meals for all of you during the week. Sounjds like she also needs to see a counselor. Rent is another good idea. The message to her is healthy adults respect each other and take care of themselves and their children. You and your husband wish you could take care of her every need forever, but unfortunately, you will not always be around to do that. You are not helping her become a healthy adult by allowing her to abrogate her responsibilities. She is also not modeling healthy behavior for her son. She will actually feel better about herself once she starts taking care of herself and her son. If she gets angry, you can tell her that she can get angry, but not at the two of you. She has to go somewhere private and be angry there. If she is not willing to follow your rules, then you should give her a certain amunt of time to find her own place – I would not give her more than a month. And most importantly, STICK TO YOUR PLAN! As for your husband, if he wants a healthy relationship with his daughter he needs to do this or she will stay a child forever. good luck!
June 20th, 2011 at 6:22 pm
thankyou Ellen for your reply. My SD managed to get 6 weeks work starting this week, so I am hoping to see changes in her attitude. My husband and I went on one of those “meal plans”where all meals are supplied and calorie counted. Yes, we could use losing some weight, but I did it mostly to force SD to start buying groceries and cooking for herself and her son. The first few days I watched them eat McDonalds, pizza etc and said nothing. But last night she came home from her first day at work, and actually had bought some meat and veg and cooked their tea. It is the first sign that she will improve. The job has most to do with it, and we’re hoping she will find more work after the 6 weeks. I did have that sit down with my husband, and told him his job as a father was to make sure his daughter could look after herself and her child. He agreed. It’s a long way from SD wanting to move out and live her own life, but it’s a start. I can keep going if I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I noticed you referred to SD as a child, and this is what I thought too, although I didn’t say so. It’s as though she doesn’t want to grow up and take responsibily. Hopefully, she will grow now. I like you ideas of how to deal with her anger. I will say this next time she gets angry. Great Advice!
June 21st, 2011 at 12:00 am
Shaz:
Sounds like you are on a roll! Glad to hear it!
April 5th, 2012 at 8:29 am
The very heart of your writing whilst appearing agreeable in the beginning, did not sit properly with me personally after some time. Someplace throughout the sentences you actually managed to make me a believer unfortunately only for a very short while. I still have a problem with your leaps in logic and one would do nicely to fill in all those gaps. In the event that you can accomplish that, I will surely be fascinated.